Gettingstronger1

Hi all,
So my AH went into treatment on Friday and will be there for 30 days. He calls me and tells me he loves me and that he is in a good place and he is glad he is there. FOr so long I have wanted him to get better but practiced my AL Anon. Now I feel all this anger, and I'm not sure why. I just feel like he is feeling better now and he is glad he is in a good place but what about all the hell he has put everyone through. So we are all supposed to just be happy he is better and none of the old stuff gets addressed. That angers me. Any thoughts?

Oh has anyone read the chapter for wivws in the big book of AA. MY ah asked me to read it. It just seems like we are supposed to sit here and be so patient and understanding while they figure out thier lives. It's so annoying. I'm open to any thoughts to help me with this. I don't want to be angry.

denny57

That chapter isn't my favorite LOL. I think it would apply to me only if I was still totally committed to staying in a marriage/relationship. I also try to keep it in its historic context.

Al-Anon has a piece of literature - Living with Sobriety - have you read that? Reading the Big Book helped me understand, but I found the Al-Anon literature (along with non) more helpful.

Take care.

SaTiT

your on the right track..you're trying to figure your life.

it's okay be be angery. if you hold your anger in , it truns into
depression.

yeah..it's totally screwie..I think codi should have treament center
so we can feel better too.

yes. I've read it..even thou I'm a guy...don't read it if you don't
want to.

sometimes..i think my gf friend needs to get a sponsor that''ll
make her do step #8 and #9.
she dosn't have to make direct contact with me..but i'll settle
for a check that won't bounce for all the wreackage she cuased.

I didn't even get a change to use my free **** card.lol

Nuudawn

It really is okay to be angry..and entirely natural. He has a long, long, long, long way to go. A couple of days in rehab is but the beginning. I relapsed after 8 or 9 months of sobriety. Don't kid yourself...he's not all better...it's still a bumpy ride for both of ya. Buckle up.

Barbara52

That approach would not work for me. But then I already came to the realization that our marriage was dead and there was no way to revive it.

I read as much as I could stand before my gag reflex kicked in. To me it read like advice to women of a different time and place. I am not willing to subvert my own needs for any individual the way that advice would require.

DesertEyes

The Big Book of AA is a wonderful book. But it is not perfect. I have read it many, many times, and know it quite well. The book was written in the mid-1930's, before Al-Anon even existed. That particular chapter represents what little was known about us al-anoids back then. We've learned a lot since then.

If I my suggest my personal favorites, which are the many books put out by al-anon. These books contain much more current information, and I find that they are focused on _my_ issues from _my_ point of view.

nope. The old stuff will be addressed by him when he gets to the 4th and 5th step, and later on in the 9th and 10th step. You can address it in meetings of al-anon, with your own sponsor, with your own counselor, etc.

You don't have to be. If anger is an emotion that helps you heal then by all means use it for that purpose. Otherwise you can explore the reasons why it has come up thru your own program of recovery. I found that my emotions regarding my ex-wifes addiction had all kinds of unexpected complications. I had to attend lots of al-anon meets, discuss it with my sponsor and work my own "inventory" in order to understand and overcome my anger.

Mike

Cindi R

Things could always be worse....
when I was in treatment, my spouse was out still getting high...
which is part of the reason why he's my ex now.
LOL

ccirider

Really? Do you expect me to believe that you are not sure why you feel all of this anger? Are you really being honest here?


Here you proceed to tell us why you feel all this anger. So which is it? Do you know why you feel all this anger or not? Look...I am not here to beat you up, but you have your own insanity that is going on in your head and your husband has his own. Anger is a lot like a drug or a bottle of alcohol and it creates its own chaotic environment just like drugs and alcohol do. And just like drugs and alcohol medicate the pain beneath the surface so does anger mask the pain beneath. If your husband cleans himself up, and I sure hope he does, then what are you going to do? Are you going to hang on to your anger, which you have been carrying around inside you for so long when he was an alcoholic, or are you going to let it go? People have trouble letting go of alcohol, drugs, and anger because there is a payoff, isn't there?

Anyway, I will show myself the exit here because I know my views are not welcome here by many people, but I am going to state them anyway. If anger and blaming is making your life miserable, then that is your problem and you need to deal with it so you don't bring craziness to other people's lives in the same way your husband's drinking brought craziness to other people's lives.

Peace.

lostnfound1961

Well first of all, lets hope he realy does want to get better and does. Once he gets to that place where he has the strength to face it, then all the stuff he has put you through will be addressed.
Hugs
D

Gettingstronger1

THanks

DetachMe9

Another thought: Even if everything happens like I hope (my AH gets recovery, works the program, apologizes for all the crap, etc.) I'm still left with what-do-I-do-with-me? I'm filled with anger, memories past/recent of badness, fear of the future. I will still have to answer the question of whether I can/will forgive and move on, or choose to start a new life without him. Nobody can do this for me but me. Everyone's threshold of personal yuckiness is totally different, as is clear on this board every day. I also have to remind myself that there's no guarantee that even if I work my AlAnon steps, that I too have a chance of relapsing into that perfectionistic, self-righteous, victim-thinking, controlling freak that I so easily became not too long ago. Not pretty.

Barbara52

Yup. Regardless of what our As do, we are left with our own issues. But it can feel so good to work on those issues and become a healthier person.

proudmilwife

How do i get ahold of these aa and al anon books? Thanks
Good luck to you!
Anger is a normal emotion and a useful one.

mamajama

I gotta agree with you on that one, lol!

lillian

i bet you are angry because you swallowed a lot of anger-- can't communicate your angry always with a drunk, so it usually gets stored up. then suddenly they are sober or rational and you wanna go, but wait! who is this person? do they know what they did? how can you tell them all at once? it's gonna seem like you're the crazy person, and maybe you are... of course we are! the relationship gets all crazy. So, my advice to you would be, read Al anon books and go to Al anon meetings. my husband (now ex) would tell me to read the "to the wives" chapter-- he was really superior about it, like if i read it, he didn't have to talk to me about anything. but he never read any al anon literature. Why isn't there a chapter in the al-anon book called "to the husbands"? it's all so sexist anyway. and all that junk about being honest and coming clean about everything, EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO REVEALING AFFAIRS, is suspect, if you ask me... anyway, hang in there.. no one ever told me how hard early sobriety was for the AH, and for the relationship, and it is-- reading these boards, it seems like it's THE most vulnerable time. so get as much support, exercise, fresh air and good food as you can... you need your health!

DesertEyes

The easiest way is to go to a meeting of al-anon, they have a wide variety of excellent books and pamphlets available at cost. You can find a meeting convenient to you by looking up al-anon in your local phone book.

Mike

Pick-a-name

I believe "Getting Them Sober Vol. 4" addresses these issues,too. You could check http://www.GettingThemSober.com to find out for sure.

Good luck to you (both).

alynn07

It is so good to see that someone else is feeling angry too. I am going through the same thing! My AH went into treatment two weeks ago, and I find myself angry and depressed. I did finally decide to sit and write down all my feelings-for myself. I am not sure if I am going to show him my letter, because it is mainly for my own release of feelings.

I'm annoyed too! My AH told me that he's working through his moodiness now. Am I suppossed to tolerate that when he gets home. My son and I have our own moods to deal with?

Thank you so much for posting, because now I know I am not alone with my feelings!

:comfort

Sincerely,
alynn07

ccirider

Angry people tend to attract angry people, but the last person in the world that you need to be around is somebody who is angry. Seek out people who have found peace and serenity in their lives in the face of all hell breaking out around them. I have said this before, but it's worth repeating: Your anger is standing between you and your serenity in the same way that alcohol is standing between your AH and his serenity.

I wish him all the success in the world working through his moodiness. Who else is supposed to work through his moodiness? It's his problem.

What is the alternative? You could pack up and leave.

Yes, your moods are your moods and you need to deal with your own moods. Your son's moods are his. Your AH's moods are his.

Please forgive my bluntness.

Peace.