Speaking my mind .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: toronto . ontario
Posts: 75
Speaking my mind .
My niece has been in a withdrawl manganement program for a week now and she got her old job back . They are only putting her on the schedule for weekends for the next two weeks until she is done the day program . She waitresses and makes fairly good money doing it . As of now she is three months behind in her rent . While she has done three shifts and handed over a few hundred towards her rent , she has gone out to spend 70 dollars on her hair , a new pair of winter boots and this morning she was getting ready for work and wanted me to share in the excitement of her going for a manicure/pedicure and then buying a new winter coat . Just two weeks ago , according to her she had to flee the crack house without her coat because someone there was going to 'beat her face in ' .
Well I couldn't hold back , I told her very calmly that it bothers me that my mother and I make rent our first priority while she feels free to go out and spend money on herself . I told her to use one of my winter coats , heck I have about seven of them !! I have a slight boxing day sale addiction . Every year I buy a winter coat on boxing day ! She started with the tears and tried to put the guilt trip on, about how hard she is trying to stay clean and work on her program. I told her that I understand her feelings but she should consider how others feel , we have a front row seat to your addiction and all the problems you get yourself into with it. I asked her to consider how we felt going through all this . She walked out of the house and my mother went after her . She was leaving an hour early for work with money in her pocket so my mom thought she better make sure she got to work .
Sometimes I find it hard to feel sorry for her , no one forces her to do this . Then sometimes I am angry that I have to put up with all crap that goes along with the using. Most of all I worry myself sick that it is going to be too much stress for my mom and god forbid something happen to her , I am afraid of what I would do to my niece . God must make his soliders strong cause my mom is one strong woman. :praying
Well I couldn't hold back , I told her very calmly that it bothers me that my mother and I make rent our first priority while she feels free to go out and spend money on herself . I told her to use one of my winter coats , heck I have about seven of them !! I have a slight boxing day sale addiction . Every year I buy a winter coat on boxing day ! She started with the tears and tried to put the guilt trip on, about how hard she is trying to stay clean and work on her program. I told her that I understand her feelings but she should consider how others feel , we have a front row seat to your addiction and all the problems you get yourself into with it. I asked her to consider how we felt going through all this . She walked out of the house and my mother went after her . She was leaving an hour early for work with money in her pocket so my mom thought she better make sure she got to work .
Sometimes I find it hard to feel sorry for her , no one forces her to do this . Then sometimes I am angry that I have to put up with all crap that goes along with the using. Most of all I worry myself sick that it is going to be too much stress for my mom and god forbid something happen to her , I am afraid of what I would do to my niece . God must make his soliders strong cause my mom is one strong woman. :praying
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Join Date: Nov 2003
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I don't recall the entire story but it sounds like too much focus on her (Neice) and not enough focus on you (for both you and your Mom). If neice is working, Neice should be supporting herself and living on her own. If she relapses she relapses.. you won't prevent that even if she is living with you.
My experience is that making it easier for an addict to live also makes it easier for them to avoid recovery and to use.
The hard line is the one that seems to work best. Sorry you are having to be in the front row to all this.. both you and your Mom.
My experience is that making it easier for an addict to live also makes it easier for them to avoid recovery and to use.
The hard line is the one that seems to work best. Sorry you are having to be in the front row to all this.. both you and your Mom.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Before my daughter totally lost herself in her addiction, she was the kind of child that had the "entitlement" mentality. Of course, I was the one that helped to promote that. Now she could care less if she has nice clothes, her hair is done or whether she has a winter coat. Of course, part of the reason for that is I stopped enabling. I decided that if she wanted that nice middle class lifestyle she would have to be the one to provide it. Since drugs are more important to her than her looks or clothes, you can guess what she spends the abf's money on. My point is if your niece has a job and if she is serious about her recovery, then she needs to foot all of the bills. If she has to wear second hand or go without, that is her choice too. You don't have to feel guilty about saying no. It will be easier on you than the resentment and anger you will feel if you say yes. Hugs, Marle
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Maybe she needs some help with money management also, as well as the boundaries.
So many things go on in the addicts head that often if they have no responsibilities it's the last thing on their mind. It's easy to replace a shopping to 'fill yourself up' instead of the drugs 'filling you up'. All those things you said she is buying sound like things she is buying to make herself 'feel better' which is what the drugs did.
Now that she's not doing the drugs she's looking for a way to fill up that emptiness that the drugs filled up. (just a guess) and the clothes, the boots, the manicures, they do it, for a few minutes, just like the drugs did. She knows it's wrong, that's why she comes to you to tell her Good Job, she's not getting what she needs from herself.
Until she gets more support around her she's going to keep looking for something to fill her up. I don't mean support from you, I mean like counseling, groups, NA, whatever it takes for her to figure out what she needs. For me it was a therapist, and a lot of work.
I used to buy a lot of little things especially when I was waitressing when I didn't have the money, to try and fill myself up also, before I found drugs. Waitressing can be great, but having cash like that can be dangerous if you don't know how to handle it.
Just my thoughts, doesn't mean they are right, just some things to think about,
she reminds me a lot of how I was at one time.
I just didn't think or I did think, but not in the way, lol, that most people wanted me too.
(((Mewoman)))
So many things go on in the addicts head that often if they have no responsibilities it's the last thing on their mind. It's easy to replace a shopping to 'fill yourself up' instead of the drugs 'filling you up'. All those things you said she is buying sound like things she is buying to make herself 'feel better' which is what the drugs did.
Now that she's not doing the drugs she's looking for a way to fill up that emptiness that the drugs filled up. (just a guess) and the clothes, the boots, the manicures, they do it, for a few minutes, just like the drugs did. She knows it's wrong, that's why she comes to you to tell her Good Job, she's not getting what she needs from herself.
Until she gets more support around her she's going to keep looking for something to fill her up. I don't mean support from you, I mean like counseling, groups, NA, whatever it takes for her to figure out what she needs. For me it was a therapist, and a lot of work.
I used to buy a lot of little things especially when I was waitressing when I didn't have the money, to try and fill myself up also, before I found drugs. Waitressing can be great, but having cash like that can be dangerous if you don't know how to handle it.
Just my thoughts, doesn't mean they are right, just some things to think about,
she reminds me a lot of how I was at one time. I just didn't think or I did think, but not in the way, lol, that most people wanted me too.
(((Mewoman)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: toronto . ontario
Posts: 75
Done with it , you couldn't have said it better . That is exactly how she is . I just couldn't not speak my mind about how I felt when I had to hear ten times in an hour about how she needed to buy this and that blah , blah ..
Even if she were on her own , which will never happen because my mom would never let her go, she would end up back here after she skips out on the rent . When she lived with her Mom a few years back she tried the rent thing and it never worked , she always ended up on the door step crying.
I have offered to help manage her money with her many times but then she starts the lying to get the money she has saved. So I don't do it anymore.
Even if she were on her own , which will never happen because my mom would never let her go, she would end up back here after she skips out on the rent . When she lived with her Mom a few years back she tried the rent thing and it never worked , she always ended up on the door step crying.
I have offered to help manage her money with her many times but then she starts the lying to get the money she has saved. So I don't do it anymore.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by Mewoman 
Done with it , you couldn't have said it better . That is exactly how she is . I just couldn't not speak my mind about how I felt when I had to hear ten times in an hour about how she needed to buy this and that blah , blah ..
Even if she were on her own , which will never happen because my mom would never let her go, she would end up back here after she skips out on the rent . When she lived with her Mom a few years back she tried the rent thing and it never worked , she always ended up on the door step crying.
I have offered to help manage her money with her many times but then she starts the lying to get the money she has saved. So I don't do it anymore.
Even if she were on her own , which will never happen because my mom would never let her go, she would end up back here after she skips out on the rent . When she lived with her Mom a few years back she tried the rent thing and it never worked , she always ended up on the door step crying.
I have offered to help manage her money with her many times but then she starts the lying to get the money she has saved. So I don't do it anymore.
Addictions suck don't they. Good for you for not managing her money anymore, don't let her issues bring you down. JMO
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