BayAreaPhoenix

Hi, me again. I am in the process of going forward with a divorce, found out after stating I wanted a divorce that my husband has been a codeine addict for years - OK, so I'm upstairs, and it's easy to divide our house so I don't see him, but getting access to the kitchen and laundry room are impossible for me when he's home because "it's too hard for him". I couldn't care less in one way, but I am done dealing with him and so just stay out of the way. During the week it's OK when he goes to work but weekends - HE WON'T LEAVE! He will not leave the house, he won't leave when he comes home from work - he won't leave. What is the deal? Is this "addict behavior"? He said, last time we spoke, he was "tapering" - who knows if he is - but Recovery requires meetings, etc. In our town, most all meetings are in the evening, and he works in a different town, but I doubt he goes during the day - maybe of course, I don't know for sure, but I don't see any "recovery" signs. Now tonight (it's saturday night) my brother-in-law and family are here - all 4 of them, when he could have gone over to their place (5 minutes away) - but obviously would not leave the house. This just boggles my mind. I'm looking for a place to rent, I'm getting out, but is this yet another addict behavior that I'm learning about? AND, on top of that, he wants me to pay for half of the house - mortgage, utilities, etc. which I have no problem with, except I don't get to use the house even half the time - so I'm not paying anymore, but is he serious? Is he completely unable or unwilling to think of anyone but himself? I have not had very long to process this addiction thing, and in one way I'm doing so much better with alanon and all of you, but then these little things come up and I find myself perplexed and trying to find reason.

Another thing, on codeine, is it possible he really doesn't remember our "real" marriage and only the one he created?

Thanks for listening/reading.

Elana

If he is active and not in recovery, he sees the world through the effects of the drug (whatever drug it is). So, he may only see the reality his mind creates.

As to selfish behavior and the rest.. even if he stopped using TODAY he is still an addict (just like an alcoholic is still an alcoholic even if they don't drink). Without some sort of recovery program to replace the drug and the behavior associated with being an addict, he will still exhibit all the addict behaviors.

He may be trying to quit the drug on his own and in so doing won't leave the house for fear he will weaken and return to the drug and the people associated with it. While it MIGHT work for him for awhile, eventually it won't if he has nothing else.

Changing a behavior (any behavior, not necessarily the behavior of an addict) is usually only as permanent as the behavior used to replce it.

If you stop smoking, for instance, there is the withdrawal thing but there are also the habitual things.. like something to do with your hands or while waiting for a bus or after eating.. that need to be replaced with something else. It is the same with any addiction or behavior. That is why simply removing the drug is not the answer and that is why the simple removing of the drug is usually unsuccessful.