I am so tired and depressed over AS
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
I am so tired and depressed over AS
Hey everyone, I have had a bad couple of day. AS's car has been out of order because he ran it over a field and it is going to cost $1000 for the part, still owe alot on it and its not worth what the part cost. So, basically he is out of a car, borrows my poor mothers car and he treats everything like sh##. He is staying in a rental of mine and my husband was down there and he cussed him out. I let him drive my brand new convertible mustang last nite, ofcourse he never brought it back so I had to go down to the house he has it in the middle of the yard, case of beer, mcdonalds bags, windows open in it and ashes everywhere. I had a spare key so I got my car back. Well, since he doesnt have a car, he has called me 50 times cussing me out about not having a car, he wont give me my spare key back and he wants $20. I dont have the money to give him for his drugs or whatever. Someone came into his house last nite and stole his XBox and all of his clothes. I got the Xbox for his birthday so he tells me he didnt get anything for his Bday because they took it and that I need to take him to the mall to get clothes since someone took his. The cops were at the house last nite and arrested his girlfriend for some type of probabtion thing and my mother took her 3 month baby. Shes out and they are at the house. He got so mad when he got in my husbands face and thru his radio out in the middle of the road. My poor mother is 69 years old and she lives next door to the house that I bought for a rental, which son screwed that up. And she took off today and I know she did because of my son's behavior. He has called me every name in the book today and thru a major fit at his Grandpa. My mom and dad are getting up there in age and he could care less. My problem is little more then just a addict son, he has learning problem. ADHD, bi-poplar, anger issues and depression. He is 18 but he is behind 3 years from all of the testing we have done. I am on my 33 day sobriety and I swear I dont know how much longer I can hold out I am so depressed and tired. I feel like I have a life sentence to be mentally abused from my son. He is my only child and I cant stand the person he is. Help me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Oh Sandi......I can hear the pain in your words. I know believe me, I know. I have been emtionally abused by my daughter as well. When I would tell her to stop disrespecting me, she would tell me to stop disrespecting her. One time I called her a dirty junkie and I could never take that back. That was 4 yrs. ago and she has never let me forget it even though it was true. She is clean today and she just reminded me of that yesterday. It will never be about the names she called me and how she verbally abused me. How do you ever heal those wounds. She is not like that anymore but I still carry a lot of hurt.
I think the best thing you can do is to not do what he tells you to do. No car, no clothes, no xbox. He doesn't deserve those things from you. I stopped giving my daughter things. Her car was taken to the pound in June along with her cell phone.
I refuse to replace those things for her. I will no longer pay for car ins., gas, etc.
She has never asked because she knows my answer. I will never allow her to use my car either. She is doing well now but the answer is still NO.
Take a stand against him or he will never stop abusing you. Set your boundaries and stick with them. Don't set boundaries that you can't keep. You can't stop him from using drugs and alcohol, but you can stop how you are being treated.
I know you love your son more than life but he is crossing the line and if you love him you will let him know that it is definelty no okay to treat his parents the way he is treating you. I do know that telling them is sometimes like talking to the wall. It will be your actions that mean something. I know you are afraid of losing him but people used to tell me that I lost her anyway. She wasn't the daughter that I raised when she was on drugs.
She cannot be in my life and be on drugs ever again because I have had enough.
I still worry all of the time about relapse, but I am trying to move forward with my life.
I still have good days and bad days. I suffer from PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder from all I have been through with her. It wasn't only drugs either. She is also bi-polar. Drugs have taken her to many dark places that she has had to recover from. It has been a horrible 6 yrs.
I am thankful for today that she is sober and I can only hope that she stays that way.
Remember he is not your son. He is an addict. Read the sticky I posted titled "If you love me, let me fall"
Hugs...........Lo
I think the best thing you can do is to not do what he tells you to do. No car, no clothes, no xbox. He doesn't deserve those things from you. I stopped giving my daughter things. Her car was taken to the pound in June along with her cell phone.
I refuse to replace those things for her. I will no longer pay for car ins., gas, etc.
She has never asked because she knows my answer. I will never allow her to use my car either. She is doing well now but the answer is still NO.
Take a stand against him or he will never stop abusing you. Set your boundaries and stick with them. Don't set boundaries that you can't keep. You can't stop him from using drugs and alcohol, but you can stop how you are being treated.
I know you love your son more than life but he is crossing the line and if you love him you will let him know that it is definelty no okay to treat his parents the way he is treating you. I do know that telling them is sometimes like talking to the wall. It will be your actions that mean something. I know you are afraid of losing him but people used to tell me that I lost her anyway. She wasn't the daughter that I raised when she was on drugs.
She cannot be in my life and be on drugs ever again because I have had enough.
I still worry all of the time about relapse, but I am trying to move forward with my life.
I still have good days and bad days. I suffer from PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder from all I have been through with her. It wasn't only drugs either. She is also bi-polar. Drugs have taken her to many dark places that she has had to recover from. It has been a horrible 6 yrs.
I am thankful for today that she is sober and I can only hope that she stays that way.
Remember he is not your son. He is an addict. Read the sticky I posted titled "If you love me, let me fall"
Hugs...........Lo
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
I did read your post and I loved it. I had it up on my computer a few nites ago with the boy came for money and I ask if I could read it to him but he didnt want to listen ofcourse. You know, I was his mom and dad for all of those years and yes he is a spoiled little brat not just from me but my mother also and he had any and everything growing up. And you know, he tells me that he had a terrible childhood that I neglected him and it was the total opposite. And he has said all of this and cussed me out way before drugs and alcohol came into the picture so I think he needs to be put in some hospital but he is 18 and I cant do nothing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sorry for all the pain your son is putting you through. i am also the mom of an addict son & he started drinking at 17 & then was on crack & serving his 1st prison term at 23. it does not get any better until he decides for it too. you are powerless. he has got to hit his bottom & decide for himself he has had enough. you are powerless. there are times that i wanted to lock my son in the closet but couldn't. i had & have no control. hands of the addict & let him go as hard as it is. be proud of yourself for your clean time.it is a one day at a time program. you are clean because you want to be.take care of yourself, nothing you can do to help your son.let him fall & maybe then he will get clean. i am saying a prayer for your son & for you too. hugs,
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
Hope, Thanks and I know the whole blame thing. You know, he truly beleives that I am stupid and I was born yesterday. My childhood was 20X's worst then he ever had it and thinks his life was and is so bad. I think honestly more of his problem is mental problems and addiction is icing on the cake. He is always been a little off,s o to speak. Such a good looking guy too. He has all the girls crazy for him. He could have the world by the balls, sorry couldnt think of a better word, but he choses to be a loser like his dad. Thanks to all for supporting and understanding me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Sandi, Whatever you do, don't use over this. Then the tragedy is two-fold. I know that last summer I just wanted to run away and end it all. That was when I found out that my daughter was using again after three months clean. The same day I had to come clean to my husband about all the lies I had been telling him about the amount of money I had given our daughter (most of which was a co-signed loan for $5000). The thing about your son and my daughter (she is an only too) is that the only ones that can make them happy is them. I tried for too many years to make mine happy. I finally had to give up to save myself. As you know yourself, it may be years before he gives up the drugs and the lifestyle. You don't have to let him drag you with him. Let go of the rope. Let him find his own way. If that means not taking anymore of his calls, not lending him money, not giving him a place to live rent-free, then do it. You don't owe him your life. Don't let guilt be your guide. You did the best you could when he was growing up. There are lots of kids with ADD and bipolar who do not put their parents through the hell he is putting you through. Nothing will change with him until you do. Hugs and prayers. And take care of you. You are every bit as important. Marle
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
One more thing. I know it sounds so difficult right now to you to take care of you and set boundaries with him. But believe me it does work if you just give it a try. He will probably up the ante at first, but eventually he will get the message that you don't want to participate in his temper tantrums anymore. Hugs, Marle
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
Marle, thanks, your words sing true. I am in a situation if I dont step in and refuse his demands and calls, he will go to my elderly parents and they are a nervous wreck with him now. I have been tighten the ropes and the more I read these posts and get feedback from all of you guys, the stronger and more understanding I will gain thru this.
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((Sandi))))))
Just wanted to send you hugs, prayers, and support.
I hope you can find the strength to stay sober yourself, through all this.
I eventually had to have my son arrested. It broke my heart, but was necessary.
There isn't any reason why you should have to deal with verbal abuse from him.
None whatsoever. My advice? Stop the contact.
As far as him not having a car goes? Tough sh*t!
After helping my son get a car and he couldn't even pay the first payment on it, ($150.00) I took it back and basically asked the dealer who sold it to him if they would take it back and just call the $700.00 down, rent for a month.
They did.
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
:praying
Just wanted to send you hugs, prayers, and support.
I hope you can find the strength to stay sober yourself, through all this.
I eventually had to have my son arrested. It broke my heart, but was necessary.
There isn't any reason why you should have to deal with verbal abuse from him.
None whatsoever. My advice? Stop the contact.
As far as him not having a car goes? Tough sh*t!
After helping my son get a car and he couldn't even pay the first payment on it, ($150.00) I took it back and basically asked the dealer who sold it to him if they would take it back and just call the $700.00 down, rent for a month.
They did.
Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
:praying
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
(((sandi)))
The insanity only stops when we stop it, but it must be extra difficult when your parents are involved. I learned here that "No" is a complete sentence, and I took baby steps towards disallowing my son's disrespect. It was a long pattern between us and it didn't change overnight, but gradually it did get better. It seems they know our buttons and just how to push them. We also changed our locks, because of all the stuff that walked away. I wish I had some advice to protect your parents, but the only thing I can think of is for them to screen out his calls and not answer their door. Perhaps he'll get the message?
You are as important as your son and I wish you continued strength and courage as you move on in your recovery.
hugs ~
deedee
The insanity only stops when we stop it, but it must be extra difficult when your parents are involved. I learned here that "No" is a complete sentence, and I took baby steps towards disallowing my son's disrespect. It was a long pattern between us and it didn't change overnight, but gradually it did get better. It seems they know our buttons and just how to push them. We also changed our locks, because of all the stuff that walked away. I wish I had some advice to protect your parents, but the only thing I can think of is for them to screen out his calls and not answer their door. Perhaps he'll get the message?
You are as important as your son and I wish you continued strength and courage as you move on in your recovery.
hugs ~
deedee
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
(((((Sandi)))))
I too was thinking that it would help you not to answer his calls and to let him deal with his stuff. I understand that it is very hard because your parents are involved, but perhaps they too can join in this process. Please don't let your sobriety be affected by his use and abuse... Can you get to any meetings? AA, Alanon...all may be very helpful and a sponsor could provide that day to day face to face support that can assist with each new manipulation your son attempts. It is very hard, but eventually when the addict learns that there is no more free handout he either figures out it is time to choose recovery or he finds others to enable him. Mom to mom hugs
I too was thinking that it would help you not to answer his calls and to let him deal with his stuff. I understand that it is very hard because your parents are involved, but perhaps they too can join in this process. Please don't let your sobriety be affected by his use and abuse... Can you get to any meetings? AA, Alanon...all may be very helpful and a sponsor could provide that day to day face to face support that can assist with each new manipulation your son attempts. It is very hard, but eventually when the addict learns that there is no more free handout he either figures out it is time to choose recovery or he finds others to enable him. Mom to mom hugs
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Sandi,
I have two sons to deal with. One in jail and one in a halfway house. It's not what I want for them, but it's what they chose. I am learning to live a day at a time.
I know how much it hurts. We love our children so much.
Hang in there. Get to alanon when you can.
I have two sons to deal with. One in jail and one in a halfway house. It's not what I want for them, but it's what they chose. I am learning to live a day at a time.
I know how much it hurts. We love our children so much.
Hang in there. Get to alanon when you can.
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
Thanks guys for all the wonderful posts and encouragement. He did come up to my house and asked for money and I told him no and have not heard from him. I know I will get stronger each time I tell him no and I wont be at his beck n call. I have to slowly do this, as you all know, they are everything to us. I think I will be able to sleep fine tonite. Thanks everyone. I will keep everyone updated.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Sandi,
I was just thinking here...as you know nothing changes if nothing changes...heck I'm living proof of that saying...but something has to change in your situation, or it's going to continue down the same road, over and over.
How about starting with some small boundaries of what you will and will not accept?
You sure have a double whammy with him living in your rental house...
maybe he needs to move??? (easy for ME to say...LOL)
Hugs from one mom to another...
I was just thinking here...as you know nothing changes if nothing changes...heck I'm living proof of that saying...but something has to change in your situation, or it's going to continue down the same road, over and over.
How about starting with some small boundaries of what you will and will not accept?
You sure have a double whammy with him living in your rental house...
maybe he needs to move??? (easy for ME to say...LOL)
Hugs from one mom to another...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: toronto . ontario
Posts: 75
I know how you feel about your parents , I have my niece who is 29 living with my mother and I . She takes advantage of my mother who is 68 . When I get in her face about it thats when the tantrums start ! If it were up to me she would have been out a long time ago , but my mother continues to enable her. No matter how much I educate my mother about it all she still gets suckered in . I hate to stand by and watch it all . I feel at times I don't have much choice other than to just stand by cause then I end up angry with my mom and I don't have the heart to do that to her with everything else we are dealing with.
Hang in there and I hope it gets better for you . I know that coming here to read sure helps me alot . If you know how I could get my mom to sit here and read please let me know , maybe your parents can sit with her also LOL !! My mom refuses to even try and operate the mouse LOL
Hang in there and I hope it gets better for you . I know that coming here to read sure helps me alot . If you know how I could get my mom to sit here and read please let me know , maybe your parents can sit with her also LOL !! My mom refuses to even try and operate the mouse LOL
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Deedee said it well when she said "The insanity only stops when we stop it".
Believe me when I tell you I have been where you are, so please don't think this is harsh.
There are two options here, one is to continue letting him bully you into what he wants whenever he wants it. Where will that lead? Well, you will be out money, minus a car, and spend all your time and energy keeping his happy. It will also allow him to continue on his path of self-destruction.
The second option is to stop. Where will that lead? Well, he'll have a temper tantrum or three, he may rage out of control and come to your place, in which case I would call the police right away. Or he may play the passive aggressive card and just disappear and not contact you because he knows that would make you worry and be fearful.
He will be how he will be. He will find recovery when he is ready, but the fewer options he has, the more likely he will find recovery sooner.
You can be how you are, distressed and ready to use yourself, which I think we both know isn't a good answer. OR...you can use the time and energy that you have been spending on him, and spend it on yourself. Go to meetings, Alanon, Naranon or CoDA (in addition to your AA or NA or whatever meetings you may now go to). These meetings will help you more than you can know, and they are quite different from the AA and NA meetings. Nothing wrong with being a double winner.
As for your parents, I would sit down with them and have a good talk about this, explaining how their helping him may just help him right into his grave. And then let it go. They too need to find their own answers, and maybe some meetings would help them too.
You can't change your son, you can't love him into recovery, but you can walk into hell with him and start using and end up with both of you sitting in that dark place called addiction. Or you can walk out of hell, like I did, and rekindle your own light. One day he may see that light and decide he wants what you have.
It's all about choices, and you still have many good ones left. Grab one and hang on for dear life.
Hugs from one mom to another
Believe me when I tell you I have been where you are, so please don't think this is harsh.
There are two options here, one is to continue letting him bully you into what he wants whenever he wants it. Where will that lead? Well, you will be out money, minus a car, and spend all your time and energy keeping his happy. It will also allow him to continue on his path of self-destruction.
The second option is to stop. Where will that lead? Well, he'll have a temper tantrum or three, he may rage out of control and come to your place, in which case I would call the police right away. Or he may play the passive aggressive card and just disappear and not contact you because he knows that would make you worry and be fearful.
He will be how he will be. He will find recovery when he is ready, but the fewer options he has, the more likely he will find recovery sooner.
You can be how you are, distressed and ready to use yourself, which I think we both know isn't a good answer. OR...you can use the time and energy that you have been spending on him, and spend it on yourself. Go to meetings, Alanon, Naranon or CoDA (in addition to your AA or NA or whatever meetings you may now go to). These meetings will help you more than you can know, and they are quite different from the AA and NA meetings. Nothing wrong with being a double winner.
As for your parents, I would sit down with them and have a good talk about this, explaining how their helping him may just help him right into his grave. And then let it go. They too need to find their own answers, and maybe some meetings would help them too.
You can't change your son, you can't love him into recovery, but you can walk into hell with him and start using and end up with both of you sitting in that dark place called addiction. Or you can walk out of hell, like I did, and rekindle your own light. One day he may see that light and decide he wants what you have.
It's all about choices, and you still have many good ones left. Grab one and hang on for dear life.
Hugs from one mom to another
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
I like this quote from Ann,
"He will find recovery when he is ready, but the fewer options he has, the more likely he will find recovery sooner."
I think this answers many questions we all have on how much we should do or say to help our addict. I never thought that even some of the little things that I do can give him another option besides recovery.
I understood giving money feeds the addiction, thats an easy one, but I hadn't thought about the subtle things. Like when I let my sons behavior, bullying or withholding love, affect me ,then he knows it, and uses it as reinforcement that he is right, and he then has that to focus on.
"He will find recovery when he is ready, but the fewer options he has, the more likely he will find recovery sooner."
I think this answers many questions we all have on how much we should do or say to help our addict. I never thought that even some of the little things that I do can give him another option besides recovery.
I understood giving money feeds the addiction, thats an easy one, but I hadn't thought about the subtle things. Like when I let my sons behavior, bullying or withholding love, affect me ,then he knows it, and uses it as reinforcement that he is right, and he then has that to focus on.
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