Living proof that recovery can happen for YOU!!
A work in progress....
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Living proof that recovery can happen for YOU!!
For all you wonderful new members who are beginning your journey toward recovery-welcome! You have come to the right place. Things really can get better for you, even if your addict doesn't choose recovery. I'm living proof of that!
To all of my SR sisters (brothers, too!), I have SO much to be thankful for this year. When I reflect back on this time last year, I was in such a state of confusion. I found SR on November 27, 2006. I had truly hit my own bottom, and you wonderful folks have held my hand as I have climbed out of the pit. I love you all and thank God that He led me here on that cold November night.
I don't post here that much any more, because I don't "stay in my own head" as much. I still read around here several times a week, but I am at a place in my recovery where I just don't have much to say to new members unless an issue really grabs me and I sense that I have something to say that will help. I have discovered that my recovery comes in cycles, and right now I am in a cycle where reading the painful posts is just not good for me, so I stick mostly to the more uplifting ones.
I have discovered living-for the first time in a very long time. It has not been an easy road, and it was very scary at first. Occasionally it still is, and I find myself thinking in my old codependent fashion. The good thing is that now I can see that for what it is, I can look at it as something that will pass.
I don't have to ACT on every single thought that flashes across my mind. I don't have to REACT to the insane things my ex says or does. I don't obsess over him unless something happens with one of the boys, and then it passes pretty quickly. I give it to God and start moving forward again.
I don't feel that nagging need to "figure out" what he is feeling or thinking or doing. That frees me up to feel my own feelings and think my own thoughts, which was rather an unfamiliar territory for me in the beginning.
I have stopped feeling the need to blame him, as well, and I no longer feel the anger and disgust I used to feel. Now I feel mostly compassion. I forgive him. But I don't trust him; I won't allow him back into my heart. It took me a very long time to figure out that those two issues-forgiveness and trust-were different.
My ex is still spinning his wheels; I don't know if he is using or not, but at last I have figured out that his sobriety is not the root issue in our relationship. My daughter-in-law who is a third year med student recently went through her psychiatry rotation, and says that my ex has boderline personality disorder. He very well may, the criteria fit. But it just doesn't matter. It's like "who came first the chicken or the egg?" to me now. A year ago it would have sent me into yet another frantic tailspin to find a way to "fix" him. Yes, his addiction (and whatever it is inside him that may have contributed to it) is/was a horrible problem, but my own codependency is/was just as bad. I had to learn and really ACCEPT that I can only fix myself.
I have gone through, and am still going through, some pretty tough work on myself as it relates to my own childhood and how in the world I allowed myself to be in such a toxic environment for half of my fifty years. Looking back and really SEEING has been difficult, but good. I have discovered that I am a classic example of an ACoA; that one was something I didn't see coming! I thought I was the "normal" one.
I have realized and owned my own part in the dysfunction that my children grew up in, and I am taking steps to help them own it as well. We talk now. We are honest about our feelings, our needs, our boundaries with each other and with their dad. We all know that it really wasn't all his fault. They know that I bear much of the responsiblity for the pain they went through. But they also know that we can now "break the cycle" and move toward healthy relationships with ourselves and with others. I am working on changing things with the one precious boy I still have at home, and I can see the fruit of it in his smile! I can see it in his big brothers, as well. That gives me great hope for the future.
I didn't mean to go on so long. But please, if you are new here, if you are in the beginning stages of finding your own way, DON"T GIVE UP! It is hard work, it hurts a lot of the time, and it is uncomfortable. But it is the most important, wonderful gift you will ever give yourself, your addict, your children, your world.
God will hold your hand, we will support you here at SR, there are wonderful resources out there for families of addicts. If you fall down, cry about it if you feel like it, but GET BACK UP and take another baby step forward.
You will look back in complete awe at how far you have come toward a life that you didn't even know you could have. Maybe your addict will come along, maybe not. That is out of your hands. But don't throw your own life away, too.
Wishing you all a wonderful, blessed Thanksgiving from the Tennessee mountains!
To all of my SR sisters (brothers, too!), I have SO much to be thankful for this year. When I reflect back on this time last year, I was in such a state of confusion. I found SR on November 27, 2006. I had truly hit my own bottom, and you wonderful folks have held my hand as I have climbed out of the pit. I love you all and thank God that He led me here on that cold November night.
I don't post here that much any more, because I don't "stay in my own head" as much. I still read around here several times a week, but I am at a place in my recovery where I just don't have much to say to new members unless an issue really grabs me and I sense that I have something to say that will help. I have discovered that my recovery comes in cycles, and right now I am in a cycle where reading the painful posts is just not good for me, so I stick mostly to the more uplifting ones.
I have discovered living-for the first time in a very long time. It has not been an easy road, and it was very scary at first. Occasionally it still is, and I find myself thinking in my old codependent fashion. The good thing is that now I can see that for what it is, I can look at it as something that will pass.
I don't have to ACT on every single thought that flashes across my mind. I don't have to REACT to the insane things my ex says or does. I don't obsess over him unless something happens with one of the boys, and then it passes pretty quickly. I give it to God and start moving forward again.
I don't feel that nagging need to "figure out" what he is feeling or thinking or doing. That frees me up to feel my own feelings and think my own thoughts, which was rather an unfamiliar territory for me in the beginning.
I have stopped feeling the need to blame him, as well, and I no longer feel the anger and disgust I used to feel. Now I feel mostly compassion. I forgive him. But I don't trust him; I won't allow him back into my heart. It took me a very long time to figure out that those two issues-forgiveness and trust-were different.
My ex is still spinning his wheels; I don't know if he is using or not, but at last I have figured out that his sobriety is not the root issue in our relationship. My daughter-in-law who is a third year med student recently went through her psychiatry rotation, and says that my ex has boderline personality disorder. He very well may, the criteria fit. But it just doesn't matter. It's like "who came first the chicken or the egg?" to me now. A year ago it would have sent me into yet another frantic tailspin to find a way to "fix" him. Yes, his addiction (and whatever it is inside him that may have contributed to it) is/was a horrible problem, but my own codependency is/was just as bad. I had to learn and really ACCEPT that I can only fix myself.
I have gone through, and am still going through, some pretty tough work on myself as it relates to my own childhood and how in the world I allowed myself to be in such a toxic environment for half of my fifty years. Looking back and really SEEING has been difficult, but good. I have discovered that I am a classic example of an ACoA; that one was something I didn't see coming! I thought I was the "normal" one.
I have realized and owned my own part in the dysfunction that my children grew up in, and I am taking steps to help them own it as well. We talk now. We are honest about our feelings, our needs, our boundaries with each other and with their dad. We all know that it really wasn't all his fault. They know that I bear much of the responsiblity for the pain they went through. But they also know that we can now "break the cycle" and move toward healthy relationships with ourselves and with others. I am working on changing things with the one precious boy I still have at home, and I can see the fruit of it in his smile! I can see it in his big brothers, as well. That gives me great hope for the future.
I didn't mean to go on so long. But please, if you are new here, if you are in the beginning stages of finding your own way, DON"T GIVE UP! It is hard work, it hurts a lot of the time, and it is uncomfortable. But it is the most important, wonderful gift you will ever give yourself, your addict, your children, your world.
God will hold your hand, we will support you here at SR, there are wonderful resources out there for families of addicts. If you fall down, cry about it if you feel like it, but GET BACK UP and take another baby step forward.
You will look back in complete awe at how far you have come toward a life that you didn't even know you could have. Maybe your addict will come along, maybe not. That is out of your hands. But don't throw your own life away, too.
Wishing you all a wonderful, blessed Thanksgiving from the Tennessee mountains!
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((duet))
You are a true walking testimony to recovery for the new comers and the seasoned members as well.
You took a chance. A blind step toward a better life, and look where you are now!
You deserve the very best.
Hugs my friend,
B
You are a true walking testimony to recovery for the new comers and the seasoned members as well.
You took a chance. A blind step toward a better life, and look where you are now!
You deserve the very best.
Hugs my friend,
B
New member seeking support
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Penticton, British Columbia
Posts: 5
your post really helps
Jen,
Thank you for your post...I just posted on my challenges in dealing with my daughter's drug use coupled with her mental health issues. I can drive myself into an early grave worrying about which came first and wondering if I could only just "fix" her mental health issues" it would help her kick the drugs but most days, I hope I am leaving that attitude behind and trying to trust she will figure this out on her own if she decides to take charge of her life. I absolutely have my moments and boy am I tempted to fall into that mindset.
Still a long way to go but it truly does help to read others' postings that show some of the journey...sadly, there are far too many of us having had to go through this but I do appreciate so much, the support.
Having faith...
Thank you for your post...I just posted on my challenges in dealing with my daughter's drug use coupled with her mental health issues. I can drive myself into an early grave worrying about which came first and wondering if I could only just "fix" her mental health issues" it would help her kick the drugs but most days, I hope I am leaving that attitude behind and trying to trust she will figure this out on her own if she decides to take charge of her life. I absolutely have my moments and boy am I tempted to fall into that mindset.
Still a long way to go but it truly does help to read others' postings that show some of the journey...sadly, there are far too many of us having had to go through this but I do appreciate so much, the support.
Having faith...
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
(((((((Jen))))))))
Wow! The work you've put in did pay off. I am so impressed with you.
I've been here a couple of years myself and danggggggg, I haven't come
even close to filling my belt with all the tools it takes. You are the
best example of recovery I've seen in a while. Bravo!
Thanks for the update and sharing your wonderfully, bright light.
Love to you and your family,
Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours....
Love ya,
Wow! The work you've put in did pay off. I am so impressed with you.
I've been here a couple of years myself and danggggggg, I haven't come
even close to filling my belt with all the tools it takes. You are the
best example of recovery I've seen in a while. Bravo!
Thanks for the update and sharing your wonderfully, bright light.
Love to you and your family,
Happy Thanksgiving from my family to yours....Love ya,
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