sgrass

My phone rang at 7:30 this morning Sheriffs office calling about a white ford truck on the side of the road my heart fell to my feet- Yes it is my sons truck the officer said He would stay there by it till I got there to check it out. the truck is in my sons name something his dad did--I hate that truck. As soon as I pulled up got out of my car another car pulled in behind me ---my son got out! I wanted to run and hug him since this was the first time I have seen him in 4 days,when he left home, but I didn't. The officer spoke to him for a second told him that he didn't know it all! I asked if I could talk to him for a few minutes since we haven't spoken since he left. I didn't know what to say the officer told me if he was my son I would beat his *** easy for him to say not in my shoes if it were that easy!!!!!!! I wanted to scream look at yourself , look at me -- but I told him that I Love him , I am here for him, I will never give up hope and that I will keep a candle lit in his window until he finds his way home! He told me he loved me and HE reached out and hugged me so that is my hope that is what I have to hold onto for now!!! He looked terrible, but I know he has not hit bottom yet,I could see it in his eyes How far will he have to fall? that is one thing that really scares me ! He didn't ask me for anything, he didn't come to our house to get gas (which is why his truck was on the side of the road out of gas) Maybe he understands that I will not help him with broke down trucks gas etc`. until he changes himself. I wanted to ask him so bad where are your friends the ones that you chose, where are their parents who drink and get high with you, why are you alone walking to get gas-I didn't . Maybe he will realize they are not as great as they seem!!! I didn't ask him to come home, was that wrong? I hope not, this is so hard!! I feel like God keeps knocking on his door but he just want answer, I believe God had this morning happen for a reason maybe for me maybe for him or for both of us. He was shocked to see me!! I also feel like he was ashamed because he looked like he had slept on the ground, the officer pointed that out to him. I know this is long; I am running off of coffee I haven't really slept since he left home, I haven't left the house or did much of anything!! I keep telling myself to pull it together but I am having a very hard time coming to terms with my sons choices!!!!!Thank you for your comments and prayers -- Because as a Mother I feel as if I am dying!!!!!



:praying

hope213

((((((sgrass))))) as a mother i feel your pain. you know u can not change a thing your son does like i can not change a thing mine does. it is hard to face but once we face it & walk through the pain & grieve the lost of our sons we can feel the peace that comes over us. it takes alot of work on our part.we have to work our recovery just as the addict has to work theirs. my son started using at 23yrs old. he is now 36,doing the same thing. i love him more than anything but i am powerless over the drug.just like you, i want my son back but he has got to want it even more. go out today & do something good for yourself.have u tried any meetings? maybe plan one for to nite. i am saying a prayer for you & your son.hugs, hope

marle

I know how hard it is when you don't see them. I remember a time when I thought 4 days was a long time. Then came a month and then two months, etc. I recently saw my daughter after 7 and a half months. She is still at it, still digging that bottom a little bit deeper each day. But I no longer lose sleep over what she is doing. It is what it is and I have accepted that. Your son will only seek help when he is tired of doing what he is doing. You have to find a way to help yourself. You will crash and burn a lot sooner than he will. I know because my daughter is still out there doing her thing. She is not tired of the life yet, but I am. So I let go and let God, say a prayer for her and go on with my life. I still have sad days but I don't let them paralyze me anymore. Hugs, Marle

cece

I know how painful this morning was for you, but I also know the feeling of relief even for a moment that they are at least alive. that is how my phone calls with my son are. I don't think of them anymore as a time for me to change him but as a time for me to connect, even if its just a little.
I think you do Wonderful! Wow and you are so new to this!
( it took me a long time to SHUT MY MOUTH) still not so perfect at it.
I agree with you that there is reason for hope. I think what you said was perfect. I am sure all those other things you said in your head, you have said to him before and they didn't work then so they wont work now. ( easy for me to say not so easy for me to do).
I have a very wise Al-anon friend tell me. " if you can't say it in 10 words or less don't say it at all" It is a Mantra for me.
This is for many reasons, most importantly, is their attention span, secondly your time is limited by their willingness to listen so what would be the last thing you want them to hear? another lecture that they already know? Or hearing of your Love so it might ring as an anchor out there somewhere?
I believe the stronger you are at holding to your boundaries the more you are helping him to see, what you want him to see, than any lecture could do.

Cathy:praying

sgrass

thanks for the response! Now that several hours have passed I am questioning myself-did I do the right thing--I want to tell him so bad to come home!!!!! He looked so bad-was he tired -was he high-what did he do last night!I question and wonder about everything, I wish I could turn my mind and heart off.I truly miss him!! This is the first time ever that I have done tough love--its hard, it sucks!!I know it is what I have to do,doesn't make it any easier.the holidays are here and so is his birthday makes it hard. I have some of my friends telling me to keep reaching out to him --I don't know what to do!!I know that he knows I Love him-do I just give him the space? do I try and make contact?I can't imagine going through this for years how do you go on? It is not getting any easier on me, I feel like I am on a sinking ship!!!I don't understand drugs I know that I hate them!!!I would not wish this on anyone this is the most unbearable thing I have ever faced!!! I want to scream at him, but I have done that all to often,I have a hard time with my mouth;especially when I am trying to make him realize how much pain he is causing himself and others.I don't understand this disease-how and why would you turn away from the people who love you. So many questions and no answers. At least I got to see him,hug him. :praying Maybe next time it will be by choice and not chance.

marle

There is a good book that helped me understand addiction. It is called Addict in the Family. Also Co-dependent No More is a good one. Meetings if you have them in your area are invaluable because you can be with people who understand. I am sorry you are going through this. It is very painful. Hugs, Marle

rayofsunshine

Hi Sgrass... sorry you are hurting. A sticky post that helped me alot here is "If you love me let me fall". Keep reading and posting, it will help you get through the pain.


http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-fall.html

bookmiser

Hang in there, mom. We're here for ya.

Praying for you and your family,

Wascally Wabbit

Hi sgrass.
Im sorry you have to feel so frantic. I know that feeling well. I manage to keep it on a low simmer these days instead of a full boil. I had to learn to not get so upset. I hope you feel better soon.

Lobo

I feel your pain and know your pain. Just like the addict there is no quick fix.
I always say I am not afraid of anything but drugs. Drugs scare me more than anything else in the world. You are right I wouldn't wish this on any parent.

The good news is you can learn how to cope. I know that you are dying inside but that is not going to change him or fix him. You have to keep yourself well so you can be there for him when he does need your help for his recovery.
I agree with tough love. Although I have to say that I always maintained some kind of contact with my daughter even in the worst of times. I had to hear her voice now and then. I never broke complete contact.

She is sober now and she tells me she thinks it is not right to break contact. She said she needed to know that I was there for her. She said if I would have washed my hands of her she said she never would have made it without me. She said it meant a lot to her that I stuck by her even in the worst of times.

Some former addicts say they got better when their family walked away from them.
I don't know...it's a tough call. I do think it depends on the family and what kind of relationship they have.

Sending mom hugs..........Lo

tears_i_cry

I am new to this. We only discovered on November 14 this year that our daughter was a junkie. I am the blindest mother in the universe. In hindsight, I now see that this has been going on for 4 years. My daughter is 21.
I would die to save my children, if I could. I am so utterly devastated I cannot find words to express it. I feel as though someone has killed me and I am the walking dead.

People tell me you cannot change addicts, that they have to want to change. But I know of someone who truly succeeded in getting his daughter off serious drugs: my brother in law. He did it, and it was the hardest thing he's ever done and he's mentally scarred forever, but he did it. It can be done. His daughter is completely clean and has a new, wonderful life. She's been off drugs for years now and has a lovely family of her own.

There is hope.

hope213

there is always hope for the addict,ALWAYS, as long as there is life there is hope. i will never give up hope for my son.i love him with everything i have just like i love my other 2 children that are not addicted. if love would keep them clean & sober none of us would be here. we have all given our lifes (up) for our addicts & some of us like me have given up everything we own for them.we can give them rehab,lawyers,money,anything & everything but it will NOT make them clean untll THEY are READY to get clean. you CAN NOT change a person, only they can change themselves. you can not make them do anything. we have to change the way we are, the way we think, the way we act or react.we are the only ones we can change.we do not ever quit loving or supporting our addicts. we keep on loving but we do not support the addiction or supply (enable) it. this is what S.R. is about. we learn to let go. i felt the same way alot of the new comers feel when i first came here 4yrs ago. i did not understand how anyone could let go of their child, how they could be happy, how they could laugh. i have learned how to do that by working my recovery on a day to day basics, one day at a time.i have learned the only way to keep my recovery is by giving it away. that is what i try to do here. i can not make you take it but i can promise if you work it, it works. recovery is taking care of you.
when i came here my son had been in & out of prison for the pass 9yrs. he had lost his wife to death,(she was murdered due to drugs,while he was serving one of his prison terms) lost custody of his children & still continued to use & still continues to use today.(waiting sentenceing again) S.R. & my programs saved my life because i have learned i can not save his. i hope you will keep coming back. we r here for you.all you can do it pray that your daughter will want to get clean. i am sorry for you & for her. it is a long road with the addict.hugs,hope

tears i cry, glad you have found your way here. i hope your daughter gets clean. i hope you ask your b.i.l. how he MADE his get clean. i believe in miracles,each day clean & sober is a miracle. my prayers will be for you & your daughter also. please keep coming back.