Confused Fiance

I am new to this type of problem. I myself have never been in a situation like this before. I have been engaged to my fiance for almost 6 months. I knew at the time that he had had a problem with cocaine yrs ago, what I thought was 10 yrs. However in July he disappeared all night and went hm early in the AM to his mothers house. I went there and he swore that it was alcohol and that he had a few drinks after wk and blacked out and did not remember anything. I forgave him and began to watch his money more closely. A month later he swore to me that he was going to go bowling with the guys from work. he ended up in a bar by himself, on his way home i caught on that he did not sound right and he never ended up home, again he ended up at his mothers and again i took him back. last week he was on his way home from wk and i realized on the phone that he sounded funny, his words were not coming out right. I asked and he blamed the cell phone. he ended up not coming hm but i found him driving all around. when i found him he ran from me and i had to chace him. it was like a sceen out of cops. when i finnally got him to pull over he told me that he used coke. i had his parents come and get him and take him home. he swears that this was his first relapse since he had the problem yrs ago, however, the truth came out that his coke problem was 5 yrs ago, and that he was in a program for 10 months where he lived there and he got what he needed. He swears that the other times was indeed alcohol and not coke but i can not honestly be sure to belive him, despite how much i would like to. We have cancelled the wedding and he has begun seeking attending NA and AA meetings. He realizes, or so he claimes he he has to cut all of these substances out of his life completly. he continues to live home with his parents. My family is begging me to stay away from him but there is something inside of me that wont let him go. I love him more than anything and no one will ever be able to love me the way that he does. he has never abused me or hurt me emotionally or physically. this whole situation is kinda hard for me to understand having never been there. I can understand why he felt he needed to lie to me about the length and how long ago the problem was. his parents are extremly controlling and they convinced him that I would run away if i knew. honestly i was never given the opportnity so i dont know for sure how i would have responded. He swears it was the one time and that the other times he must have used the alcohol as a substitute. he also claimes that he does not know why or how it happended. he says there is just something in him that took over and hes not sure how or why Does anyone have any advice? Is a relapse common?

ajangels2

(((confused)))

So glad you posted. Sounds to me like your fiance is in active relapse... it doesn't really matter how long or how many times he's used cocaine or alcohol that is what addicts do. Glad you are taking some time for yourself to make decisions about what you want for your life. Your fiance has his own choices to make too. My AH is a wonderful man too... but as the disease progressed his temper progresses too and I've learned that the emotional immaturity is still there and he has been sober for almost 8 months. If you have an opportunity to get to a f/f meeting and read everything you can about addiction you can educate yourself. Being married to addict is no walk in the park and after 5 1/2 years I have finally learned that there is nothing I can say or do to help my AH stay sober, grow or mature. I must take care of myself, my sanity, my recovery to stay happy. I know it may not be the answer you are looking for, ultimately it is your decision about whether you want to continue with this man. Keep posting and find some supportive Alanon people in your area if you can, otherwise keep using SR for your support.

Peace,
ajangels.

holdingouthope

Hi Confused. Please take care of yourself. Educate yourself as much as you can...there are some great stickies on the top of this forum. Protect yourself first.

My husband became addicted to cocaine after we were married, but the addictive behaviors with alcohol and marijuana existed since I met him. I am only now just realizing this. As you have been experiencing, addiction has many victims, including and especially the addict's loved ones.

Everyone's situation is different. I encourage you start thinking about/listing your boundaries. If they haven't already, they will be tested. For instance, my husband is not allowed in my house during or after using. I will not bail my husband out of jail, come get him from his dealer's house (or wherever he wakes up after he is using)... these are just a few

Keep reading, keep posting, and please put yourself first. It's the best thing you can do for him. Sounds counterintuitive, I know.

Spiritual Seeker

You asked for advice so here it is: Don't marry anyone w/ addiction or financial problems. If he lives with his parents he is not ready for marriage. Yes, someone else can love you when you are ready for a healthy relationship yourself.
Those close too us can be objective...listen to the voices around you.
Sometimes we need to get away from a situation to see it clearly.
It doesn't sound like either of you are ready for marriage. What is the need?

Elana

Welcome.

Your Finace is an addict. he is doing what addicts do. Lying to you about it being his "first" relapse when your gut instincts tell you otherwise is what addicts do.

You are co-dependent. You want to stay and love him no matter what. You need to work on you. I recommend coming here and getting the book, "CoDependent No More" by Melody Beatttie.. it can be a REAL eye opener. As a co dependent you believe in someone who is not believable... and your family is warning you. Heed their words!!!

Listen to your family. Marriage to this man will turn into a living hell of the kind you cannot even begin to imagine.

He has lied to you three times now that you know of. Why would you want to marry anyone who lies to you?

There is a post here, and old one, with the 17 red flags you need to see. This guy has a lot of those flags...

hope213

welcome to S.R. i am glad you found us. it is a hard long road with an addict. there is alot of info here for ways you can learn to take care of yourself. read around all the post & read the top of the forum"what addicts do". your b.f. is going to use untill he decides he does not want to anymore. usually they have to hit a hard bottom brfore they stop & some never do. keep coming back & let us know how u r. we care. prayers for you both..

cece

I feel how much this hurts and I know how scary it can be to even think about letting go.
you said something that had me thinking about what "we" on this side try to do. first we try to understand addiction. which is good. you should read " what addicts do" in the stickies above.
But looking for the "why" has gotten me confused, and away from taking care of me many times in my life. . I have done things finding out "why", including trying a drug, because I have a need to completely understand them. It's crazy I know, but it shows how its just another way we can get so wrapped up in them.
We will never completely understand "why" unless we are an addict. Why would they give up people they love the most for this? Why is it so powerful that they would let it destroy their lives? Why can't they see it? Why do they need to lie?
If we spent the same amount of time trying to figure out who WE are, what WE want, and why We do what We do, as we do trying to figure them out, we would be focusing on fixing the "ONLY thing we have control over.
You can live without him. You can also live with him Sanely, if you want that road its much harder, and requires you to RIGHT NOW begin on your journey of YOURSELF. go to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP and start there.
We are here for you.:praying

Confused Fiance

I would like to thank everyone for their thoughts, prayers, and ideas. I have looked into Al-Anon in my area and will be attending a meetting this week.

:praying

Live

Good for you, actions like that speak volumes!

miu_miu

Hi Confused, hi everybody,

this is my first time to actually try facing this problem. I'm afraid that my health and sanity are going to suffer because of the drug addiction of my bf. I have known him to be a former user, and he did get clean several times in the past, and for the last few months of our relationship, he started using again. I am pretty liberal when it comes to experimenting with drugs, but a constant abuse of heroin is another matter. He first came out and told me, and I was indeed disappointed, and told him so. Some time passed since that incident, and other incidents began to occur. I knew what was going on and tried to face him with it, but it ended up with him lying and denying everything, which led to my silent disapproval. Of course, when he did get hooked again, he confessed everything. Ever since then, he's trying to get off, but it lasts for several days and he's back on it. For his sake, I am always trying to be positive about it and i believe in hope of his recovery, but tonight I snapped. He went out, I knew exactly where and what for, he got high in the bathroom, and I totally lost it. For the first time I faced him with my fears, since I realized that my positive approach is not working. The problem is that he doesn't want to TALK about it. He is disturbed with my negative energy, he said.

I know that I love him, I'm not sure if it is mutual anymore.Knowing that at this time I am the only bright aspect in is life is a big responsibility, but I fear that I'm out of strength. He demands of me to keep his addiction a secret form everybody, which I respected until now, but I feel like I'm going to pop if I don't get it out of my system.

Confused, I know exactly what you're going through, I just don't know what THEY are going through. I'm just trying to understand in order to help him, and help myself. God bless.

lightquest

(((Miu Miu)))

Please read the stickies at the top of this post. You'll find a lot of good information about addict behavior.

I get where you're coming from as being the only bright spot in his life! I was the lifeline for my (x)abf for several years. Then it got to be so hard to keep holding on to the other end of that rope when he was pulling so hard in the other direction.
Finally, I let go. He hit bottom. He's working his program with 30 days sobriety. I finally realized that by holding the "lifeline" I was helping him stay in his addiction. With me being his "bright spot" he felt just good enough to continue using and deny cocaine was destrying his life. We're not together and won't be until he's got at least 6 months clean.

I love the time for me. I can't believe how much energy I was pouring into checking in to see that he was not using, monitoring his moods so he wouldn't be tempted to use, dealing with his drama.......man, it sure was nice to spend a weekend just hanging pictures in my house without worrying about him! It's so wonderful to think about me for a change. I think that's what a lot of people here have been trying to tell me for a couple of years

HUGS to you!

P.S. You don't have to keep his dirty secrets. Find a good alanon meeting. Keep posting here. You are not alone!