HurtingDad

Haven't done anything for my son in over a month. He's been livin on the streets in Manhattan, making a couple of bucks a day as a courier,or so he says.

I talk to him about 1 or twice a week, which I enjoy. And believe or not he never asks for anything. But last night he was talking about the rain and sleeping in it, so I sent him
some money by Western Union for a 'flophouse'. He was supposed to call me when he got it, but haven't heard from him since I sent it last night around 6 pm.

Of course now I'm thinking he took the money and now is on a binge.....sigh....it's hard to do the right thing (whatever that is)

holdingouthope

How was your first NarAnon meeting?

HurtingDad

Thanks for asking, my wife and I enjoyed it. The only thing I had to compare it to was a parent support group that we went to for a few months at the Carirer Clinic. There you talk about your situation, and get adivce from the group.

As you know NarAnon was different. IT was a series of readings and people sharing. I liked it. At least at this once no one said you were right or wrong or codependent. Just a emotional bond attaching all of us due to a commont hurt.

Will definitely go back..Unfortunately due to the holiday next week will be skipping the Weds. night meeting. .

nytepassion

You are here and that is what matters. You can't always do the right thing especially if you don't know what the right thing is ... In time you have the knowledge and tools to make decisions based on what is best for you and in the best interest of your son.

Try not to beat yourself up over this .. Learn from it ... bring it to the forefront the next time you feel compelled to offer or if he ask you for money.

As a general rule of thumb .. it is best not to give money to an addict because it 99.9 percent of the time they end up spending it on dope ... they have to .. its their job .. addiction is always screaming to be feed .. and if you don't feed it you'll go insane .. gotta shut it up some way, but the sad thing is the silence is temporal and fleeting .. because addictions lust is insatiable and always demands more, constantly (supply and demand).

Just keep coming around .. keep reading .. keep learning for knowledge is power .. try applying some of what you learn here to your life there ... and little by little the puzzle will start to make sense and will come together piece by piece to reveal the whole picture ...

The thing we feel most guilty doing or the thing we hate to do the most is probably the right thing to do where the addict is concerned. It is the hardest thing of all to do. And if you don't know what to do .. then best to do nothing (safer ground).

Hugs to you
Passion

Ann

Don't feel bad, HurtingDad, I often gave my son money with good intentions on where it might be spent and it almost always went to drugs.

I even just took him some groceries from a store near his place....and he returned what he could for cash. Arghh.

In the end, I would just take him for a meal sometimes or give him socks and underwear and leave it at that. He knew where help was and how to get there, so that always helped me deal with the sadness of him living on the street.

I'm so glad you both got to a meeting. It helps when both people are working on recovery together because it will help you and your wife understand each other better and make your decisions more mutual.

Your son is in my prayers, that he soon will find a better path.

Hugs

Spiritual Seeker

You're a great dad! Don't ever forget that. On any given day we make decisions that feel right. Then we have to move on and not beat ourselves up about them.
It is wonderful that you keep a relationship with your son.
One day he will change and he will be thankful. No matter his situation he knows that
you love him and he knows you are there for him when he gets sick & tired of his lifestyle.

kelsh

Hi HurtingDad,

I agree that we don't know what is right or when it is right to do for our children out on their own. My son could hurt himself or get in trouble without any cash on him. I did send him five or ten dollars once in a while when I wrote to him but did stop doing that near the end before he tried to get help.

One time he went to group therapy when he was drunk and they put him in a little room on a bed. His counselor didn't know he was there and called the group looking for him and then called me long distance to see if I could get him to come see her on a regular basis. Well, I couldn't get him to do anything he didn't want to do.

At the time I was a Geriatric Mental Health Counselor and also saw others 18 & older.
I couldn't help my son any better than any other parent and I knew the ups and downs of addicts/alcoholics.

I feel for you because I have already been there and back. My son is 38 years old now and in a wheel chair for the rest of his life. He made some very wrong decisions while drinking and now has the residual to live with.

kelsh

mooselips

Gosh, I've done the same thing myself...(Palm hitting side of head)
Although I always had good intentions....

(It doesn't happen TOO much anymore...
You're a good dad.. and a good person....caring, compassionate....


Hugs,

newsandi

I feel your pain and confusion on your son. I am right there with you. I tried to not do anything but they are our children and we love them sooooo much and then we do it and realize that they once again took advantage of us. I am right there.

hope213

glad you & your wife went to the meeting.they really help alot. you learn alot, like not to send or give your addict son any money at all. get the address & send it to the house IF you are going to send it at all. i do not do anything for my addict son any more. i know he can look after himself. he cons everybody just like he blames everybody he is an addict & why he does the things he does. it took me years & loads of money to learn this & 13 yrs later he is still using & doing the same thing. prayers for your son & you & your wife. keep coming back.

sjr

i'm sorry hurting dad you feel suckered...cause boy i know that feeling....i have been there done that many many many more times....now, i have decided that i will no longer buy her drugs for her. of course i never gave her money with the intention of her buying drugs, but i am sure i have supported her habit financially for 2 years. ~~~that reality slapped me in the face only recently, when i added up at the end of one week how much money i had given my 16 year old kid.
a twenty here a twenty there

i am ashamed to say it was over a 100.00 dollars~there as always a "good" reason she needed money...it's was kinda funny reading the what my addict says post...cause i think i gave mine money for all those reasons twice!

i have since told my daughter until she has consistent clean drug test i will not give her a penny....funny thing is ~that's the one thing i've said she has excepted!! her response was "well, i guess you won't be giving me any money then"....

even her last runaway which was for 5 days she didn't have one red cent...they always find a way

bookmiser

(((((HurtingDad))))))

Sending hugs, support, and prayers up for you and your family tonight.
I know, all too well, the emotional rollercoaster that our addict children take us on.
When I first came to sr., I was just as ashamed of my own self as I was of my addict son. I have done things for my son that no mother should have to do for her child. When he was sick and begging me, that's all it took.
I've driven him to score dope. A few times.
I took him to a pawn shop once with some of my own jewelry, because I couldn't afford to give him money. I've taken him to "stores" and waited while he stole things that he could sell for drugs. I was in very deep on "helping" my son.
Right to his grave, really.
Then I found soberrecovery, meetings, Melodie Beattie books, and a newfound faith in God.
I mean, the only thing I was ever addicted to was cigarettes, and I quit those 4 months ago.
And my son. Which I'll never quit.
I did, however, put him out of my house and started my own recovery from codependency.
It's been a long road. One that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I do believe that I'm better for it, though. I'm a better person than I was before.
Stronger, too. I'm even helping others who are starting their journey of recovery.
Plus, I'm proud to say...
I still love my son. We talk everyday. I'm not all up in his life like before, and he's matured and grown from that, too.
I don't think about what I've gone through with him, much.
I just keep going on the same path, with one foot in front of the other, and I try not looking back. One day at a time.
Sorry this turned out so lengthy. lol
Just wanted to let you know that there is hope. Hope for you and hope for your son.
All said with care and understanding,

HurtingDad

Just wanted to thank everyone for all the heartfelt emotions. It helps to talk about with other people who are on the same journey, for whatever reason.

I find myself spending hours looking for the 'miracle cure' on the internet, I can't tell you how many phone calls I've made that start wit "I'm calling for my so whose....".

It's hard to stop. But I am coming to the point of realizing it's up to him.

mooselips

(((Hurting Dad))))

marle

Two years ago while I was in denial about my daughter being an addict, I co-signed a $5000 loan for her. Thought it would help her while she was in college. It helped alright. Helped her and then abf to a lot of oxycontin, cocaine and heroin. I paid off the loan so that my credit would not be ruined. I learned my lesson and I no longer give money, pay bills or buy anything that can be traded for drugs. Sometimes it takes what it takes, so don't feel badly. My daughter no longer asks me for anything because she knows that I no longer play that game. Hugs, Marle

Spiritual Seeker

I called a rehab a few yrs. ago for my son and they told me to hang up and call back when it would be my son on the line inquiring about help. Thankfully they were honest with me instead of just trying to get my $$$