holidays - how do you handle it?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
holidays - how do you handle it?
okay, i'll start the holiday thread. another hard one being in the position i am in with ah. i just don't know how to handle it.
we usually host thanksgiving at our house, but with the our kitchen being still torn up from ah's rampage last winter when he went to outpatient rehab and was sober two months, of course, we are not having it this year.
so, my mom is going to have thanksgiving. my neice and nephews are coming down who i absolutely adore. THEY ARE MY KIDS
since i don't have any of my own. i like to spend as much time with them as i can as they live over an hour away and don't come down that much.
another power struggle with ah. i really don't get along with his family as i have mentioned before. i would invite them to thanksgiving at our house and they would not come. his family would go to his aunts, but then they got in a fight and, so lately his mom has been having thanksgiving at her house AT THE SAME TIME AS OURS AT OUR HOUSE (so ah had to choose and i would look like the bad guy for not going to their house). she put me in a bad position because i could not prepare dinner at my house and be at theirs. i did try to split some of the day with them, but then last year, when i thought i could be pregnant i said i was not going over to their house as there is smoking in the house like crazy. (BOY was i the bad guy then not wanting to take the chance at exposing my baby to smoke after fertility treatments to try and get pregnant!) ah of course took their side and thought it was awful that i would not go there and inhale smoke. another hurt, that he could not defend or understand. ugg, anyway just giving the history.
so, i thought i would do the polite thing and say to ah that my mom was having thanksgiving and he was welcome if he wanted to come. he says, well, my mom called last week and said she was having thanksgiving, so maybe we could split the day??? (she never asks till the last minute) so, i think he was lying about this one.
i really don't have any desire to go to his families for thanksgiving. do you think under the circumstances i am obligated to go? i guess more than anything i am just worried what people will think and say about me not being there and it is hard for me with my family trying to explain why ah wouldn't be there ?
most of my family knows the problems we are having, but my brother, neice and nephews don't. not to mention being sad just not having my husband there
after all that rambling, i guess the basic question is how do you handle the holidays when you are going through seperation or problems with your spouse???
we usually host thanksgiving at our house, but with the our kitchen being still torn up from ah's rampage last winter when he went to outpatient rehab and was sober two months, of course, we are not having it this year.
so, my mom is going to have thanksgiving. my neice and nephews are coming down who i absolutely adore. THEY ARE MY KIDS
since i don't have any of my own. i like to spend as much time with them as i can as they live over an hour away and don't come down that much. another power struggle with ah. i really don't get along with his family as i have mentioned before. i would invite them to thanksgiving at our house and they would not come. his family would go to his aunts, but then they got in a fight and, so lately his mom has been having thanksgiving at her house AT THE SAME TIME AS OURS AT OUR HOUSE (so ah had to choose and i would look like the bad guy for not going to their house). she put me in a bad position because i could not prepare dinner at my house and be at theirs. i did try to split some of the day with them, but then last year, when i thought i could be pregnant i said i was not going over to their house as there is smoking in the house like crazy. (BOY was i the bad guy then not wanting to take the chance at exposing my baby to smoke after fertility treatments to try and get pregnant!) ah of course took their side and thought it was awful that i would not go there and inhale smoke. another hurt, that he could not defend or understand. ugg, anyway just giving the history.
so, i thought i would do the polite thing and say to ah that my mom was having thanksgiving and he was welcome if he wanted to come. he says, well, my mom called last week and said she was having thanksgiving, so maybe we could split the day??? (she never asks till the last minute) so, i think he was lying about this one.
i really don't have any desire to go to his families for thanksgiving. do you think under the circumstances i am obligated to go? i guess more than anything i am just worried what people will think and say about me not being there and it is hard for me with my family trying to explain why ah wouldn't be there ?
most of my family knows the problems we are having, but my brother, neice and nephews don't. not to mention being sad just not having my husband there after all that rambling, i guess the basic question is how do you handle the holidays when you are going through seperation or problems with your spouse???
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Hope - I'm wondering the same thing myself about the holidays given the fact that this will be my first year of actually considering myself separated from AH (even though we live in the same house, but we only share the common areas). What I'm hoping to do for Thanksgiving is he goes to our upstate place (we were both supposed to go day after Thanksgiving) cause none of my kids will come over w/him there (don't want to deal w/him anymore). But of course, if I were going somewhere else, I would go alone. Let him go where he needs to go. I'm hoping to be out of my house by XMas, but if I'm not, I don't have a clue what to do. Even w/Xmas presents, every year AH and I buy each other presents (AH usually buys me really nice jewelry, coats, etc.). I don't want anything from him this year at all, except to be left alone cause my heart's not in it and I don't feel like going thru the motions. Why bother, right. I'm sure others will have better options for you, and I thank you for this thread cause I know it will help me too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
No one is obligated to spend their day with anyone they don't want to. If you want to share your reasons for not being somewhere do so, if you don't, don't. Start thinking of your own needs and wants for a change. Where do you want to spend the day?
I guess part of the reason I am not bothered by being on my own at a holiday or have no problem being selective in who I spend them with is that I grew up hating holidays because holidays meant dad getting drunk and abusive. The suppsoed wonderful family events didn't happend for me. Hence I have come to view them as days I spend with people I want to spend them with. Largely that ends up meaning my sons most of the time or a dear friend or two. Holidays with my AH were OK but nothing special really since everything was so disfunctional. I won't miss that either.
Personally, I am looking forward to spending most of the day alone and enjoying my traditional steak and baked potato.
I guess part of the reason I am not bothered by being on my own at a holiday or have no problem being selective in who I spend them with is that I grew up hating holidays because holidays meant dad getting drunk and abusive. The suppsoed wonderful family events didn't happend for me. Hence I have come to view them as days I spend with people I want to spend them with. Largely that ends up meaning my sons most of the time or a dear friend or two. Holidays with my AH were OK but nothing special really since everything was so disfunctional. I won't miss that either.
Personally, I am looking forward to spending most of the day alone and enjoying my traditional steak and baked potato.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Once I broke the habit of spending time with people I didn't want to, it got better. I don't worry what family will say about me. I could be the queen of perfect and there would be those who still would find something to say - because that is about THEM, not me.
I actually broke the habit of every holiday with family many years ago, not just recently. I do remember the first year being difficult - telling people - but it felt right and good. I still see my family and it's become accepted that I am not there for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It sounds like you want to spend the day with your family. As uncomfortable as it may make you feel, I'd suggest trying to state that to your husband and then go and enjoy the day.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I actually broke the habit of every holiday with family many years ago, not just recently. I do remember the first year being difficult - telling people - but it felt right and good. I still see my family and it's become accepted that I am not there for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
It sounds like you want to spend the day with your family. As uncomfortable as it may make you feel, I'd suggest trying to state that to your husband and then go and enjoy the day.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
"Personally, I am looking forward to spending most of the day alone and enjoying my traditional steak and baked potato." BOY! DOES THAT SOUND GOOD. i have been craving a really good steak and potato. I might just have to get take out from outback one of these nights - all for myself
you are right. i really do want to spend the whole time with my family and i should do what makes me happy and thats it.
i think we become conditioned- because ah has always had a problem with me spending too much time with my family (even though i really don't pay attention and still spend time with my family) and not his. but, really, the not his, is not of my doing. as i have said before his family was abusive and he really had no contact with them -believe it or not-until i came into the picture. soo, they are not that close and he does not have a real concept of having a close family and i cannot make him see it. i let him spend as much time with them as he chooses and don't say a word. i never give him a hard time about it. but, he cannot relate to my family circumstances (as i'm sure i cannot imagine what his involves) it is sad really.
soo, i guess i am just conditioned to not wanting to give him or his family another reason to blame me or make me the evil one. i really don't know why i would feel bad when i have invited them to thanksgiving at my house and they have declined, but i am expected at theirs.
ultimately, i should do what makes me happy and not worry about the rest
the way i see it- it is just one day and we will get through it no matter what. so, just like any other day, the only thing we need to do is to make it the very best day we can.
my prayers lately have been ended with "hp, help me to make the very most of this day possible" this has really helped me be motivated during the day -lol.
you are right. i really do want to spend the whole time with my family and i should do what makes me happy and thats it.
i think we become conditioned- because ah has always had a problem with me spending too much time with my family (even though i really don't pay attention and still spend time with my family) and not his. but, really, the not his, is not of my doing. as i have said before his family was abusive and he really had no contact with them -believe it or not-until i came into the picture. soo, they are not that close and he does not have a real concept of having a close family and i cannot make him see it. i let him spend as much time with them as he chooses and don't say a word. i never give him a hard time about it. but, he cannot relate to my family circumstances (as i'm sure i cannot imagine what his involves
) it is sad really. soo, i guess i am just conditioned to not wanting to give him or his family another reason to blame me or make me the evil one. i really don't know why i would feel bad when i have invited them to thanksgiving at my house and they have declined, but i am expected at theirs.
ultimately, i should do what makes me happy and not worry about the rest
the way i see it- it is just one day and we will get through it no matter what. so, just like any other day, the only thing we need to do is to make it the very best day we can.
my prayers lately have been ended with "hp, help me to make the very most of this day possible" this has really helped me be motivated during the day -lol.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by hopeangel 
ultimately, i should do what makes me happy and not worry about the rest
I think there is a lot of battles between families (even those without dysfunction if there is such an animal lol) about time spent for the holidays. Thanks to recovery, I have learned that no matter what I do, I can never make EVERYONE happy. So I might as well do what is right & healthy for ME.
Hope you are able to make a plan for the day - remember you always have the right to change your mind at any point in the day if you feel like you want to do something different. We may be powerless over alcoholism but we are not powerless over our lives and our own happiness.
Hope you have a wonderful time with your family.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Kansas City
Posts: 151
I was hoping for a thread on this very subject. I'm almost at week 4 in the little guest house near my home; left my AH for the first time ever (he went back to active drinking in Oct.) Both of us have our entire extended families living in the metro area here, and both sides eat separately at exactly 1PM every freaking year. Both sides always expect us to be at their respective event. Despite the fact that we decided it was only fair to alternate back and forth each year, both sides are always disappointed. The family we eat the main meal with is pissed we leave later in the afternoon to visit the other. The family we don't eat with is pissed that we missed their meal, and we're only "visiting" vs. eating. I have done everything possible over the past 11 years to please people, to include eating 2 entire meals, apologizing, lying, attempting to change the time (do NOT recommend this one), etc. It it fruitless and thankfully now that I'm further along in my recovery, I really really GET that it is fruitless and always will be.
That said, next week is the big day and this time we're "sort of " separated. Some of the fam knows where I'm staying, but most don't. I've decided that this is actually the perfect time to practice self-care and make a choice that is soley based on what I would like to do with myself that day. I've been working on this for days now, partly because it's still very difficult for me to think in these terms. My mind is auto-programmed to evaluate the potential outcome of every decision I make based on how it will affect others, or what kind of fallout I could expect, etc. Lots of anxiety associated with keeping it pure and simple.
Ultimately, I think I would be most happy eating with my fam and then perhaps going over to my in-laws to visit later in the day. My dilemma is just sorting out whether the in-law visit is motivated by obligation, fear, or if there's part of me that genuinely wants to see them. I have not a clue what AH's plans are, though I'm fairly sure he'll default to his tribe as per usual. Wish me luck, and same to you
That said, next week is the big day and this time we're "sort of " separated. Some of the fam knows where I'm staying, but most don't. I've decided that this is actually the perfect time to practice self-care and make a choice that is soley based on what I would like to do with myself that day. I've been working on this for days now, partly because it's still very difficult for me to think in these terms. My mind is auto-programmed to evaluate the potential outcome of every decision I make based on how it will affect others, or what kind of fallout I could expect, etc. Lots of anxiety associated with keeping it pure and simple.
Ultimately, I think I would be most happy eating with my fam and then perhaps going over to my in-laws to visit later in the day. My dilemma is just sorting out whether the in-law visit is motivated by obligation, fear, or if there's part of me that genuinely wants to see them. I have not a clue what AH's plans are, though I'm fairly sure he'll default to his tribe as per usual. Wish me luck, and same to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hey detach
sounds like you and me are pretty much in the same place and i do wish you luck!
funny how something that is meant to be enjoyed is soo stressful. i used to feel soo sorry for my mom at holidays because she would be soo pooped by the end of the day that when it came time to eat she couldn't even eat or enjoy it. i understood this when i began hosting thanksgiving, UNTIL we decided to make it as easy and stress free as possible. we're talking....
paper plates
plastic silverware - so there are no dishes to wash
pies bought from the bakery instead of handmade
as much premade as possible
cut way back on the amount of food made
so all there is that day is to just sit back and enjoy everybody's company
funny how something that is meant to be enjoyed is soo stressful. i used to feel soo sorry for my mom at holidays because she would be soo pooped by the end of the day that when it came time to eat she couldn't even eat or enjoy it. i understood this when i began hosting thanksgiving, UNTIL we decided to make it as easy and stress free as possible. we're talking....
paper plates
plastic silverware - so there are no dishes to wash
pies bought from the bakery instead of handmade
as much premade as possible
cut way back on the amount of food made
so all there is that day is to just sit back and enjoy everybody's company
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 12
Good Luck to all of you on your decisions. My issue with the holidays is this: We aren't seperated but he is trying to quit. For christmas we will be in ky visiting families. My family drinks but not his. So at their house its no big deal but at my families it will be. (he doesn't deal well with temptation) Thanksgiving will be at our house with just me my hubby and our boy but its also football day and well lets just say the way the bengals are playing he will really want to drink! He's having a very rough time tyring not to that i dont want to tempt him but then again i want him to know that temptation will always be there. When are they considered sober? When they don't drink but there's no temptation or when they can handle being around the temptation? HELP i'm very new to sobering alcoholics no one i've ever known has actually quit!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Ugh ... the holidays. I remember a time when I actually enjoyed the approach of Thanksgiving and the day-after insanity at the mall. I spent Thanksgiving '04 sitting in front of my computer in the basement, eating my dinner alone, and working on a big school project for my legal research course. Frankly, it may sound sad to some, but I was happy to be doing something I enjoyed and eating in peace and quiet!
As I all-too-vividly recall, AH literally fell sideways out of his chair onto the floor, after having eaten his dinner with his fingers. Lovely. Last I saw of him was he was passed out under the dining room table. When I finished working on my school project, I hunkered down with my cats to watch t.v. and sleep on the sofa in the basement.
Bottom line: I detach from his mess and take care of my side of the street.
As I all-too-vividly recall, AH literally fell sideways out of his chair onto the floor, after having eaten his dinner with his fingers. Lovely. Last I saw of him was he was passed out under the dining room table. When I finished working on my school project, I hunkered down with my cats to watch t.v. and sleep on the sofa in the basement.
Bottom line: I detach from his mess and take care of my side of the street.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: VA
Posts: 31
At the last meeting I went to, there were only like 6 people there. Someone said, "Don't worry, the holidays are coming up, there should be tons of people here soon!"
How do I handle it? Well, my AW is in jail. That makes it easier. She will probably be there through the holidays, at least. I have turned her over to her higher power, so I'm not going to worry about her at all, like "oh she's alone on Thanksgiving/Xmas." I still love her, though.
How do I handle it? Well, my AW is in jail. That makes it easier. She will probably be there through the holidays, at least. I have turned her over to her higher power, so I'm not going to worry about her at all, like "oh she's alone on Thanksgiving/Xmas." I still love her, though.
twingram
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: south heights
Posts: 10
As the Holidays approach so quickly it seems...I begin to have that sentimental feeling that we all get around this time of year! I look at my walls, at all the Photographs of the people who I love so dearly and I am looking forward to another sober Holiday...I believe it will be my 4th now!
My Family and friends who have stood by me in my worst times as well as my good ones! I am filled with that warm and happy feeling that the Holidays bring, now that I will not be ruining anyone's supper or upsetting my Mom and sisters with crazy ranting and crying about "The Past"...that was always my specialty!
I will remember every moment of the day...I will not drop any food on the floor...I will not accidentally mash the hard boiled eggs (meant to be deviled eggs!) in with the Potatoes...that was good one by the way! My poor family tried to eat them anyways, even though I did NOT peel the eggs at the time I put them in with the Potatoes....I was crying so badly when everyone realized that there was crunchy shells in the Mashed Potaoes...so they all tried their best to eat them anyways to make me happy!
Alot of the people that I love so much and who have been so good and kind and tolerant of me...are gone now...so I will never again be able to see their faces on Thanksgiving or any other day! There are Friends and Family and even little children whom I have lost already from my life....they are gone and that's it.
Hope...I would go to be with whoever makes me feel happy and loved and I would not let anyone make me feel guilty about it...at all! Life is so unpredictable and there is no time to waste on foolish matters...enjoy your "kids" on Thanksgiving and remember that we are responsible for our own happiness....so no matter what you do...you will not make your partner happy if he is determined not to be...he has to make himself happy, no one can do it for him!
I would give anything to be with the people I have lost... just for one more Holiday....I guess I really will be, only just in Spirit now....I love them all and miss them so much...Happy Thanksgiving! Diane
My Family and friends who have stood by me in my worst times as well as my good ones! I am filled with that warm and happy feeling that the Holidays bring, now that I will not be ruining anyone's supper or upsetting my Mom and sisters with crazy ranting and crying about "The Past"...that was always my specialty!
I will remember every moment of the day...I will not drop any food on the floor...I will not accidentally mash the hard boiled eggs (meant to be deviled eggs!) in with the Potatoes...that was good one by the way! My poor family tried to eat them anyways, even though I did NOT peel the eggs at the time I put them in with the Potatoes....I was crying so badly when everyone realized that there was crunchy shells in the Mashed Potaoes...so they all tried their best to eat them anyways to make me happy!
Alot of the people that I love so much and who have been so good and kind and tolerant of me...are gone now...so I will never again be able to see their faces on Thanksgiving or any other day! There are Friends and Family and even little children whom I have lost already from my life....they are gone and that's it.
Hope...I would go to be with whoever makes me feel happy and loved and I would not let anyone make me feel guilty about it...at all! Life is so unpredictable and there is no time to waste on foolish matters...enjoy your "kids" on Thanksgiving and remember that we are responsible for our own happiness....so no matter what you do...you will not make your partner happy if he is determined not to be...he has to make himself happy, no one can do it for him!
I would give anything to be with the people I have lost... just for one more Holiday....I guess I really will be, only just in Spirit now....I love them all and miss them so much...Happy Thanksgiving! Diane
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Des Moines, IA
Posts: 66
This holiday season will be different for me as well. My AH and I are seperated and the only real contact I have with him is to discuss details of the soon to be pending divorce or issues regarding our son.
For Thanksgiving it should be pretty easy. The meal is at my house and the AH is not invited. Christmas will be a different story and I'm not sure how to handle that one. I assume my son will go with him Christmas Eve as that is when his family gets together and then my son will come home that night to wake up for Santa's surprises in the morning. Then we will celebrate with my family Christmas day. That is how it looks at this point but I haven't had any conversation with my AH yet. I'm not looking forward to sorting it out.
I say, do what is right for you, what you are comfortable with. These issues are never easy. I've been dreading the holiday season for a while now because of this very reason. Good luck with what you decide.
For Thanksgiving it should be pretty easy. The meal is at my house and the AH is not invited. Christmas will be a different story and I'm not sure how to handle that one. I assume my son will go with him Christmas Eve as that is when his family gets together and then my son will come home that night to wake up for Santa's surprises in the morning. Then we will celebrate with my family Christmas day. That is how it looks at this point but I haven't had any conversation with my AH yet. I'm not looking forward to sorting it out.
I say, do what is right for you, what you are comfortable with. These issues are never easy. I've been dreading the holiday season for a while now because of this very reason. Good luck with what you decide.
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