And so it begins...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 43
And so it begins...
The blame game that is. AH didn't come home from work again last night. I was saved from another all night vigil by my son waking up at 2am and climbing into bed with me. I actually slept.
Buddy and I came downstairs at 7:15, AH was on the couch. I told him he had to get going, he was going to be late for work and he said he'd called in. He then proceeds to say that if he isn't home by 4:30- 5 each night, to call his probation officer. I said no way was I doing that, that I'm not a babysitter. I also told him that he needs to be out when he gets his next paycheck (next week). He says "but that money has to go to Dad!" I said that's not my problem. You staying here was on the condition that you were clean. You're not, and I don't want that at the house, or around me and Buddy, ever again. Two nights in one week after a year w/o it is way too much for me to handle.
Then of course he says " I can blame you for this. If you had just told me back in March you wanted a divorce then none of this would have happened. I'd be ok." Since I was expecting that, it didn't hurt as much as it would have. I told him that I wasn't accepting any of the blame, that ultimately it always came down to his choice. He had options, and he chose to use.
I'm so sad about this, but I can not, will not, live like this any more. I have to be strong, and not back down. It would be so much easier if my Dad were here... at least I'd feel like I had some back up, or something. I don't know.
I'm proud of myself for sticking to the boundries I set last year. Once more, even a suspicion of using, and your gone. I did it, as sad as it is I did it. Pat on back, tears on cheeks. Man it's hard to grow up.
Buddy and I came downstairs at 7:15, AH was on the couch. I told him he had to get going, he was going to be late for work and he said he'd called in. He then proceeds to say that if he isn't home by 4:30- 5 each night, to call his probation officer. I said no way was I doing that, that I'm not a babysitter. I also told him that he needs to be out when he gets his next paycheck (next week). He says "but that money has to go to Dad!" I said that's not my problem. You staying here was on the condition that you were clean. You're not, and I don't want that at the house, or around me and Buddy, ever again. Two nights in one week after a year w/o it is way too much for me to handle.
Then of course he says " I can blame you for this. If you had just told me back in March you wanted a divorce then none of this would have happened. I'd be ok." Since I was expecting that, it didn't hurt as much as it would have. I told him that I wasn't accepting any of the blame, that ultimately it always came down to his choice. He had options, and he chose to use.
I'm so sad about this, but I can not, will not, live like this any more. I have to be strong, and not back down. It would be so much easier if my Dad were here... at least I'd feel like I had some back up, or something. I don't know.
I'm proud of myself for sticking to the boundries I set last year. Once more, even a suspicion of using, and your gone. I did it, as sad as it is I did it. Pat on back, tears on cheeks. Man it's hard to grow up.
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
good For You,
I know it is hard.
I am glad you were ready for the hurtful words. It does help to diffuse them. As I stated in another post,I am finding that my AS is the most hurtful with his words and blame, when he is the most doubtful about the answers himself.
Take care of yourself today.
I know it is hard.
I am glad you were ready for the hurtful words. It does help to diffuse them. As I stated in another post,I am finding that my AS is the most hurtful with his words and blame, when he is the most doubtful about the answers himself.
Take care of yourself today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Oh, wildbucky, I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm so proud at the same time.
It's hard to stick to one's convictions. But it's sticking to them that's going to make sure that you have faith in yourself year after year. And that kind of faith can move mountains.
Congratulations for sticking to your boundaries.
GL
It's hard to stick to one's convictions. But it's sticking to them that's going to make sure that you have faith in yourself year after year. And that kind of faith can move mountains.
Congratulations for sticking to your boundaries.
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
(((((April))))))
I'm sorry.
I know how much it hurts even when we know, without a doubt, that we are doing the right thing.
Be proud of yourself...because what you are doing shows true strength of character...and, in the end, its the most LOVING thing you can do for everyone involved. You're giving him the dignity of owning the consequences of his behavior and choices. This is a gift no matter what he tells you.
But, as I said, as much as we know this in our head...our heart can still ache.
I wish your dad were there for back-up too...but just remember, you've got all of your SR friends cheering you on in cyber-space.:support
Be extra nice and loving with yourself right now.
Hugs, prayers, and strength...
I'm sorry.
I know how much it hurts even when we know, without a doubt, that we are doing the right thing.
Be proud of yourself...because what you are doing shows true strength of character...and, in the end, its the most LOVING thing you can do for everyone involved. You're giving him the dignity of owning the consequences of his behavior and choices. This is a gift no matter what he tells you.
But, as I said, as much as we know this in our head...our heart can still ache.
I wish your dad were there for back-up too...but just remember, you've got all of your SR friends cheering you on in cyber-space.:support
Be extra nice and loving with yourself right now.
Hugs, prayers, and strength...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 43
I know he's angry with himself, and hurting. He wants to share the blame cause it's so hard for him to deal with. That's where a lot of my sadness is coming from. The end of my marriage at this point is more like a relief. I'm dropping a 1000 pound elephant I've been carrying for the last 10 years, and it feels good.
But I look at my husband, who is a kind decent man, a good man, and good father when he's clean, and i can see how much he's hurting. I know that letting him suffer the consequences for his actions is something I have to do, but I had really hoped this time it would last, even though in the deepest areas of my mind I knew that it couldn't.
He needs to be in a controlled environment to maintain his sobriety, and I want a husband, not another child. He's never understood that the type of "support" he wanted from me was really taking the accountability off his shoulders, and placing it on mine.
I see things so much clearer than I used to, there was a time I was willing to do that for him, wanted even to do that for him. I thought love was enough to keep him clean, that if I wanted it badly enough, so would he. I just feel so bad for him, that he keeps losing this battle with his addiction. It makes me wonder if it will ever happen for him. I just want him to be happy, and healthy. And this THING keeps it's hold on him.
But I look at my husband, who is a kind decent man, a good man, and good father when he's clean, and i can see how much he's hurting. I know that letting him suffer the consequences for his actions is something I have to do, but I had really hoped this time it would last, even though in the deepest areas of my mind I knew that it couldn't.
He needs to be in a controlled environment to maintain his sobriety, and I want a husband, not another child. He's never understood that the type of "support" he wanted from me was really taking the accountability off his shoulders, and placing it on mine.
I see things so much clearer than I used to, there was a time I was willing to do that for him, wanted even to do that for him. I thought love was enough to keep him clean, that if I wanted it badly enough, so would he. I just feel so bad for him, that he keeps losing this battle with his addiction. It makes me wonder if it will ever happen for him. I just want him to be happy, and healthy. And this THING keeps it's hold on him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Wildbucky))) Your dad IS with you, the strength of his spirit will help you.
I'm sorry you are going through this, it's not a good way to live for you or your child and I think you are making very brave, very wise choices.
And don't look now girl, but your recovery is shining through.
Hugs
I'm sorry you are going through this, it's not a good way to live for you or your child and I think you are making very brave, very wise choices.
And don't look now girl, but your recovery is shining through.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
it is sad the way the drugs destroy famlies. you are doing the right thing.it is not good to raise a child in that enviroiment. it is not good for you either. maybe he will hit his bottom & realize what he has done.prayers for u,buddy & your husband
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by wildbucky13 
But I look at my husband, who is a kind decent man, a good man, and good father when he's clean, and i can see how much he's hurting.
I knew so well that my X was a kind and gentle and brilliant man inside. He had done many dreadful things (which I allowed) but under my anger I knew deep inside he was capable of so much. It is the most unfair thing in the world to watch someone with such potential be consumed by addiction.
By detaching yourself you can do two things: save yourself & your son, and see his situation clearly. Perhaps this will be the shove he needs to reach his bottom, get long-term care, and turn himself around...for HIM, not for you. I pray this is so.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Syracuse, NY
Posts: 43
Yes, it would be easier if I still carried that anger with me, and the hatred. But I'm also blessed because I was able to let it go. I wish him no harm, I just want to be let off of this vicious merry go round. For once my mind is letting me make the choice, not my heart. It is painful to watch, but it's more painful for me to be involved in it.
I felt defeated today, for a while. Nobody should have to fight as hard as I have to be happy. And then, with the help of good friends, I was reminded that I wont have to fight anymore, at least not in the way I've done for the last ten years. I'm relieved, I'm thankful. And I'm sticking to my guns, even though it's tough. He asked me for another 3 weeks when I got home today. I said no way. I am not going through this again.
He also let me know how ashamed he is. He wanted to stay so my parents wouldn't know. I told him too late, they already do. He was very upset by that. I doubt he has even told his parents. If they ask, I'll tell them. I have nothing to hide, I did nothing wrong. And if he is unwilling to be honest about what he did, it just shows me that there are more hard times coming. I don't want to be a part of that, ever again.
On a positve note, taking ooal's advice, I bought the sexiest little dress today. Completely irrational, probly won't wear it but twice, but when I put it on, it sang my name. And I looked H-O-T. It made me smile, lol!
I felt defeated today, for a while. Nobody should have to fight as hard as I have to be happy. And then, with the help of good friends, I was reminded that I wont have to fight anymore, at least not in the way I've done for the last ten years. I'm relieved, I'm thankful. And I'm sticking to my guns, even though it's tough. He asked me for another 3 weeks when I got home today. I said no way. I am not going through this again.
He also let me know how ashamed he is. He wanted to stay so my parents wouldn't know. I told him too late, they already do. He was very upset by that. I doubt he has even told his parents. If they ask, I'll tell them. I have nothing to hide, I did nothing wrong. And if he is unwilling to be honest about what he did, it just shows me that there are more hard times coming. I don't want to be a part of that, ever again.
On a positve note, taking ooal's advice, I bought the sexiest little dress today. Completely irrational, probly won't wear it but twice, but when I put it on, it sang my name. And I looked H-O-T. It made me smile, lol!
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