eat it 2

Daily, I think about all the things my exabf wasn't able/couldn't give me and wonder how many of these characteristics he has in common with his fellow A's.

Because we/I habitually blame ourselves for them not being able to be loving, caring intimate people, we forget what the standard MO is for them.

Sound familiar?:

-Inability to inquire about how we are doing or feeling.
-Inability to look you in the eye.
-Inability to take a compliment.
-Definitely unable to give compliments.
-Inability to apologize when they clearly have hurt,,, hell, ANYBODY.
-Inability to be consistent with their feelings.
-Inability to commit.
-Always drawn toward the more dramatic way of doing things.
-Seductive and manipulative.

This list could go on far too long. Please feel free to add to it.

Remember this disease is about them. We are not mistreated because we are 'bad' people. We are mistreated by people who don't know better. We simply speak different languages, and they have no desire to learn ours.

Arrgh...my exabf really sucks.

r

geees poncho

eat it 2, you fail to mention if this guy is a active alkie, or is he in recovery.
if he is active you might as well be dating a alien,
if in recovery, it takes a long time to get back to his normal self.
of which you may not like either.
good luck, check out some al anon.

eat it 2

ACTIVE!

Just need to vent.

geees poncho

:morning Ya know i've always wondered why we date someone with all these defects, and think the closer we get to them, We can change them.
my wife just left me & she had all kinds of reasons. I believe I work a pretty good program, I was honest, faithfull, and loved her very much. but I like to smoke little cigars, did so when we met. 8yrs. later she leaves cause I smoke little cigars.

eat it 2

Yeah, they want to be loved, scolded, hated, adored, and feared, never to feel they deserve any of it. It's a wonder we feel as if we are all going crazy.

Clearly your wife did not leave you because of your small cigarette habit, gp. She left because she's incapable of having a healthy relationship with you. Only she's not mature enough to acknowledge that.

It sounds like you are no stranger to hard work. Well this is where it gets very hard. Time to work on you. Treat yourself with every compassion you would display toward your dearest friend. It's time to be selfish.

r

Barbara52

Sorry, I disagree with that. Many As do indeed know better. Mine did. It just didn't stop even though he did know better.

I will not give my AH a blanket excuse that he didn't know better.

eat it 2

Okay Barbara, I'll give you that. You're right. I too believe they know better. I stand corrected.

However, I do think there is huge disconnect between knowing better and being cap-ABLE to do better. I believe that we all do the best we can under any given circumstance. I have to. If not I would be enraged with the world and I would go around beating dead horses. That certainly doesn't mean that we have to accept that. Just to be clear, that is not what I'm saying.

Lots of us here and our A's have yet to have tools to able our selves to do better.
We are all capable of greatness. Sadly some will never get on board with that notion.

r

eat it 2

Amen!

I'm listening now. My choice.

denny57

I had to accept AH WAS doing his best. I cannot define anyone else's best. I just can't.