SaTiT

I hate for all the lies she freaken told me
I hate her for all the broken promises she made.
I hate her for stalking me.
I hate her for telling me to never to leave her.
I hate her for telling me that no one else can ever love me.
I hate her for stealing my money.
I hate her for telling she loves me.
I hate her for bribing me.
I hate her for using me
I hate her for breaking into my home
I hate her for cheating on me
I hate her for blaming me for all her problems
I hate her for getting my car impounded then repode
I hate her for acting like an innocent beauty queen in front of everybody.
I hate her for naging at me for days on ends so i couldn't get any sleep.
I hate her for leading me on.
i hate her for frocing her self back into my live
I hate her for all the damn drama phone calls I get at work...

I hate myself even more for falling for all the BS over and over again.
I hate myself for still loving her
I hate myself for still wanting her back in my life.
I hate myself for spending every last dime on her.
I hate myself for contacting her..AGAIN.
I hate myself for be ****** stupid !!!!

Janitw

Let it all out .........now that you beat yourself up pretty good.....are we feeling better?? How about a meeting tonight?? Be gentle with yourself sweetie...we know it hurts but you have suffered enough pain....now its time to heal.

denny57

(((SaTit))) There's always right now to start over. Be nice to yourself.

CatsPajamas

Amen and amen
I have played that game: It's over, it's over....c'mon over.

And I've done it more than once, I'm sorry to say. But finally I had enough. And I was able to say NO and mean it. I looked him in the eye and said "You can't come here any more. "We" are toxic and I can't do that to myself anymore. You have to leave. "

And it was the best and hardest thing I've done in a LOOOONG time

I really understand, SaTit. It stinks.

Hugs
Cats

MsGolightly

i agree... be nice to yourself. the pain and heartache stink, and there's nothing to do but feel it and get through it with time. you can always let it all out here... we'll listen. (((satit)))

Wascally Wabbit

I could and have in the past, made a list like that about my mother. It was like an ocean flooded out of me of pain and dispair.
Just dont' stay there too long. Get to a meeting.
you have helped me so very much SaTiT. Please get help for yourself now.
I hold out my hand in support for you.

SaTiT

went bonkers.
can't hold it in anymore.
Ran out of the house, emotional wreck.
Too shame to go to a meeting tears won't stop.
sat under my tree at park and cried.
a big headache, can't breath
thoughts are rampage, emotionals all over the place.
Feel sick, running nose and fever
acting strange, can't sit still, went to go lad down in car.
thoughts of cutting myself. still can't stop crying.
forced to eat food.

hbb

(((SaTit)))I'm thinking of you, we have to believe that it will get better and that there are healthy people out there for us deserving of our love. Just make sure you take care of you, sounds like you have taken care of her for a long time. Hugs to you, we're all here for you.

GiveLove

SaTIT, so sorry you are going through this tonight.
I remember those nights WAY too well.
And I remember too that they became fewer and fewer the farther from the madness I got. praying the same for you.
((((((hugs)))))))
GL

eat it 2

Clearly there is a lot of anger surfacing for you now. I'm sure it feels scary to you, but I have to say I think it's healthy -- much healthier than other alternatives.

Let it out. Let it out. Let it all fu**ing out!

Breathe...

r

SaTiT

thanks everyone.

I have a narely headache that won't go away.
I clam down a bit and can lay down now.
I'm breathing through my mouth

Some thoughts are still spining but i can't even latch on to them
if i tired..A big, big headache. Feels like my brain is going to explode.

Going to try to get some shut eyes.

SaTiT

well... that didn't last too long...I can't sleep.

Maybe if write I'll get cross eyes.

it's the contact thing and it has always been an issue.
She dosen't want to acknowlege it or just blows it off.
So living with her all those years through of that..I seldom
can mention any of it...it's in the pass. water under the bridge
ya be da be do until the next time. i tried to keep the peace
and tries to make it work and let gone be by gone..
but it's like she wants total denial or nothing coming close
to mentioning it and bascially lets pretend that didn't happened.

Even when all the crap was happening..she tried truning it
around and started accusing me of having an affair. it drove me
up the freaken wall. Her excuse was that she was sick and I
talking to guy's wife she ******. The couple was a mutal friends
of ours.

I just wanna to be able to say to her at least one time.
ya know what...."that's just totally wrong...Bii%$tc"
drunk or not.

I even tried to moved on with my life. Started dating other
women. Heck i even waited six months after the seperations.
She totally dsytroyed my relationship with those women..stole
my cell phone, talked all kinds of BS..the same as my friends
came over less, and less in my life. She forced her way back
in. She knew were I moved to. i'll find her pass out in the parking
lot or she'll break in.

So wtf??? i talked to her again today and it's like lets pretend
that didn't happened and she quick to say
"she dosen't wanna hear about the pass"
That's nice and dandi...Now, can I have 10 years of my life back.
Okay since money is not that important..can I have at least
$100,000 back that she slamed into the slot machine. No i can't
expect her to give that back to me...but denial of it?..will okay.
That's her denial
but for her to want me to mummmms de words and denial it myself
just eats at me. I'm still trying to pick up the damn piece from
the pass and still paying the price for it.
Hello ??? my car got repo...everytime I check my credit score..
I'm going pretine i don't see those numbers.
I barely got the thing out of the shop..$2500 worth of damages that she never
help me with..which she freaken cuased.
Then I gave her X mas money to buy all of the present for her family.
She's gamble all of her money away..promising me she would pay me
back..i needed to make my car payment...which she was driving..
yeah it's her car..she drives it...I pay the bills becuase it's in my name.
then the dame car got impounded becuase she got pulled over. expire tags.
Okay..no big deal.. i'll get her car out when she repays me...
F$#@$!!!! she freanken went gambling and lost all of her pay check
as soon as she got paid. it was going to cuase me another $1500
and the car payment. and the rent, food and bills.
what ??? to get her car out so she can drive
it to the casino...it's in my name...yes, yea.
Now many countless nights of arguing about crap like that ???
She needs a car to go to work of course.
F@##$$ i make more money than she did and I droved an old
beat up truck for years. Making her damn car payment..
I can't even say one word about the mustange.

so you might say..keep your money seperate..
I did !!!...she forged my checks more than once or steals my credit cards.
it's mess up when i have to hide money in my own home
in a different place every damn week. it got so bad
onetime she didn't even bother clean up the mess after tearing the
house looking for money..she just took off, then came home 2 days
later and crashed.

and i'm just freaken T-off at myself becuase I read about it, i write
about it to others here on SR..then there I go doing something stupid
like that. Another codi relapsed..again. 5 years of this already.

CatsPajamas

((SaTit))

I've had my share of big time codie relapses. Normal people just don't understand. We aren't so different from the addicts and alcoholics you know. We can decide to quit our "drug" = a toxic relationship with another person - but we may have to go back out a few times before we really GET it and we are really DONE with that toxic relationship.

I've weeped and wailed and second guessed myself until I thought my brain would explode. I would wake up in the morning with an emotional hangover which was every bit as painful and debilitating as any from alcohol.

Now, after some years of diligently working my own Al Anon program of recovery, I still have minor slips. Fortunately, they don't last as long and they aren't nearly so devastating. I have learned to set boundaries that work for me, and I have learned to listen to that little voice inside me that says "uh, something's not right here. you might want to back up a bit"

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. That doesn't mean you don't care... it just means you are powerless. At some point you'll figure out the reasons you are staying in this relationship (what's the payoff?) and then you'll decide if it's really worth it or not.

I hope you're able to get some sleep.

Cats

stone

Thinking of you Sattit.

Pilgrim

Hi Satit

You are facing things today that you must be ready to face. Our HP waits until we are ready. You are healing. You are getting stronger. Courage comes when we are scared - not when we don't feel anything.

You can get through this. It is surviveable my friend. Hang on tight. This will pass.

Love

Steph

SaTiT

Thanks..I feel better.

it is what i 've struggle with, during the seperation and perhapse
as always with her. I'm very emotionally attached to her to begin with.

The thing with my gf is..for some reason i can't seem to
seperate from stopping loving her and everybody else.
Dose that makesense ?

I feel if thou if i stop caring for her means that I stop caring for
everything..myself, everybody else, and life in general.
I've never felt that stronge of a pull or confussion like this before.

I've only been in 3 long terms relationships in my entire life.

I've gone through breakup and a divorce before. It also plays
a part in that i want to make this relationship work. When i got
a divorce..it totally screwed me up. And i felt for a long time
that i couldn't love again. That's when I started abussing drugs
and alcoholc. So i sober up. And through the 12 steps and the
people in AA/NA I was willing to live and love again. To do the
right thing. To do good. I was in a relationship for 5 years
before this one. I didn't go into codependcy behaviors at all.
She was also a recoverying alcoholic, but when she relapsed
it broke my heart, but none of this crazy stuff I'm going through.
She relapsed..she was gone out of my life. But i felt a little
jaded in a way..it was like what ever little belive in love i had
it wasn't there anymore.

So my sponsor got me to date after 5 months of time alone.
I didn't really want to. I felt if though i wouldn't love anyone again
(intimate reationships). So when I open up to this gf, it's like
this is it..this time it has to works. i would put all my heart and
soul into it..be a more loving and understanding partner.
I felt in a way i didn't really do my best with the previouse two.
So this one has to work. and it wasn't like she was the first
second, third person i dated..i kind of shop around. In recovery
and outside of recovery. She had enough clean time and I've
felt that i could kind of open up to another recoverying alcoholic
more. and the first 5 years of this relationship was great.
People wanted what we had... you know what i mean ?
You sober up..get well, life is grand. We had that.
I never really understood codependency. I've only looked
into it since i've sign up here on SR. I've always thought
I was on the flip side. I know what it's like to hurt others
I wish not to inflect pain on anyone ever again. i've lost
too much. At least my ex-wife and I came to an understanding
and made our peace and move on.
but man o man..this one is totally crazy


but for some reason i'm having a very difficult to serperate
the love i have for my gf from the love of god or the love of life.
I'm afraid that if hate her I'll hate everyone. I've never felt like this before.
and I do feel like I hate other peaple through all of this. i don't want to be like that.
and i get thoughts of if I get into another relationship. i'm going to treat
that woman like shiet...i don't want to do that.
I'm afraid..if i get into a relationship again..I'll hurt people on purpose.

I just feel very, very hurt by her and she has no clue.

eat it 2

Hi Satit.

I'm so sorry you are going through this intense pain right now. I know how you are feeling with all of your anger and frustration, and cynicism toward the thought of future relationships. It's a lonely place to be. Just know you are not alone and you will get through this.

I too am here because of a relapse relationship with an addict that did not work -- again. I was doing so well and taking care of myself. I never thought, nor did my friends believe I would be here again after three very good years of not even speaking with him.

But ****** as it is, these things seem to come back until we 'get it' and make serious changes. Serious changes are hard. Very hard. I use to say that my exabf just got under my skin like nobody else. I still believe that. Like an addict I thought I could hang out and even sleep with him and still maintain my boundaries and healthy perspective. It didn't happen and I'm very upset with myself for allowing it. But as I said, clearly there was something still that I needed to 'get'. Well I think I get it now. It's me that is the common denominator in the relationship. And now i muster up every ounce of courage I've got to work on me. Not sure what will happen with the exabf. I wish him the best. But now it is time to sink or swim...

I'm diving head first into recovery with a top rate therapist and anything else I can do for myself. I'm scared to death what may be unearthed in the process but have faith that if I forge ahead through the pain there will be peace. Because I can't live like this any more.

Although it may get even tougher for both of us before it gets better, I believe there to be serenity for you and everybody else here if we continue to work toward it. Yeah, we will have relapses and thats OK. Remember to be compassionate with yourself.

We are here for you, just as you have been here for us.

r

Cindi R

ok, you had a relapse...now pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the codie wagon.
****{SaTit}}}
I was just thinking today that I've been alone since the divorce now for the 4th year going into the holidays..and the holidays are always harder!!!
but this year I think that I feel more thankful and more at peace than ever...the first couple of years I was like in shock...
and the last couple of years, I have been sort of angry and nostalgic...
"why couldn't he have chosen to get clean and sober when I did?"

but at the same time, I know that "that relationship" was over years before it actually ended...

and there's another relationship...one that's not so healthy or rather one that I can be proud of...that continues to consume my thoughts and my heart.

I've decided that for me, in my life, in my relationships, I live life one day at a time, just as I did with my sobriety in the beginning.

because if I think about the "Big Picture", and the fact that I may never have a mate it's just too much to deal with...
just as the thought of "never being able to do another line of crank" was way back when I first found my way into the rooms.

I've been saying all along that it will happen on "God's time, not Cindi's" and that HEis just getting him ready for me...but in reality.....
maybe HE is really getting ME ready for him...
because, when I got here, I was sick, sick, sick...sick...SICK!!!
but gradually, day by day, I get a little bit more healthy.
and believe it or not, so do you.

You are learning boundaries...
what is acceptable, and what is totally not acceptable...
and hopefully, we will learn to make better choices the next time...
(hugs)

Barbara52

****{SaTiT}}}

I have no wods of wisdom. You seem to know all of them. Perhaps its time to find another way to get those word of wisdom from your intellect into your gut? I don't know what that way might be but I do know it can be done.

Rella927

SaTiT

I just got to read this now (AM) Please be gentle with yourself while you vent all of this out and remember you are important to a lot of people! You have been an inspiration to me in so many ways!

I speak for myself and know that I too have had a few relapses, we are human! Listen to yourself and please vent it out we are here to listen to you-

SaTiT