prodigal

I have found that the quickest way to lose my serenity (and oftentimes my sanity) is by asking "why?" (or any variations thereof). "Why did my AH blow up at me last night when I did nothing to start an argument?" "Why did the A in my life cheat on me?" "Why do I keep having the same arguments with him about his drinking?" WHY, WHY, WHY.

There are many times throughout life when why simply has no answers. "Why did I get a diagnosis of cancer?" "Why did my spouse walk out on me leaving me with a pile of debt and no support for our kids?" "Why can't the A really HEAR what I'm saying; why can't the A realize how much I've been hurt by his or her behaviors?" No answer. Trying to reason out why we have to endure unfair, crummy, tragic, painful junk that life dishes out only leads us to become self-absorbed and miserable.

I finally stopped asking "why?" when I got a bad lab report last week. It could be serious, possibly terminal, but asking "why?" would be an exercise in futility. So I started reworking my fourth step big-time.

This time around, I decided to take an inventory not only of my shortcomings, but also my assets. I am looking for balance rather than beating up on myself, the poor decisions I've made along life's journey; in other words, I started asking myself, "HOW did this process occur?" What was my role in it? How can I take responsibility for marrying two A's, learn from it, and just quit beating up on myself for unwise decisions?

So, the next time you're ready to throw up your hands in despair, and scream "WHY???" just step back for a minute and try thinking along the lines of WHAT and HOW. You may just discover, as I did, that you can recapture some serenity in the midst of life's storms.

Astro

Thank you for sharing prodigal, I'm praying for you........

PrettyViolets

I have been asking "why" a lot lately too. I am 36 years old. I got married when I was 35 years old (I thought great--just in time-I am not too old). I really wanted to have a child in wedlock. When my husband and I separated, I went to the Sears baby department and just cried.

I had to come into the realization that it was not meant to be. My dreams of a family with my husband were not the reality. It has been very painful.

I have also come to another realization. I am not good at being a wife of an alcoholic. I need a guy who can ask me how I am doing. I need a guy who is more humble and can handle life better. I am giving it to God.

It has been really important to just make amends with God and not ask why, but to trust God and realize I have 44 more years to go in my life--I hope God really uses that and that I learn from prior experiences.

Barbara52

You have my prayers dear.

harleygirl92156

I remember when my third child and third son was born. I knew the baby was a boy, just call it a mothers inner sense. I remember calling family and friends and telling them the baby was here, although one month early, he was healthy. Friends and family gave me the ahh another boy!! darn we were hoping you would get your girl. I was excited when my son was born and the doctor told me he was healthy, breathing on his own and nice sized for being early, I felt great relief and was grateful.

After calling family and friends, I began feeling sorry for myself and disappointed I hadn't had a girl......boy did I let others feelings affect my feelings. Looking back on that now, I realize how foolish I was.

My dear, dear grandmother came to visit and I was having a pity party about my beautiful healthy baby being a boy. She looked at me and said "honey you have three healthy sons, the girls will come, trust me." Just months later she passed, but she was right and I never ever forgot those words. When I think of them today I just smile and giggle a little as I know my impish grandmother is at my Lords side picking out girls just for me.

Today, I have 3 healthy sons, 2 beautiful wonderful daughter-in-law, 4 sweet, healthy, adorable grandaughters and one handsome charming grandson. After my 3 boys I was sent six girls, two fold from God. Am I grateful, you bet! Would I be as grateful if my six girls had been two men and 4 boys......well I would have had to adjust a little, lol, but I would still be grateful.

Don't know what my point really is here, it was triggered by PrettyViolets post. I feel bad that you don't have the family that you wanted, but there are so many children out there that need a loving caring parent, just one would be a blessing. Maybe you are overlooking something that is right in front of you. Regardless, God Bless all and best wishes.

rawr_x

:praying

-much love

GiveLove

The question "why" has been slowly leaving my vocabulary since I've been in recovery. I've never liked the most likely answer anyway, which is "because that's the way he/she/it is."

Like you, I prefer to ask the more constructive questions: WHAT do I want to do with the next few decades of my life? HOW did I get mixed up with so many sick people? WHO am I today....and am I who I want to be? WHEN am I going to take time for some fun and laughter today?

I guess I do use "why" when I know there's a concrete answer and I want to be able to take action on it: Why did that thing break? Why have I been suffering from headaches lately? Etc. But in general, WHY was this codependent's question of choice for too long. I don't like it much now. But I'd never thought about it until your post.

Prodigal -- good luck on this stage of your journey. You are an inspiration to me.

Hugs,
GL

denny57

Thinking of you, prodigal.

It is so true - why ask why? I don't know what tomorrow holds for me, so each day I wake up I'm grateful I've been given that morning to live my best possible life. It's all I can - and should - do.

shakarris

what do you do when it starts to creep in. I tell myself over and over this is about me, I must take care of me... what he does is his business not mine

slowly but surely,it starts... why is he such a jerk, why does he choose this over me blah blah blah next thing I am sitting in a ball crying my eyes out.

shakarris

denny57

I wept for ages it seemed. What I started doing was giving myself a time limit on it. Ok, I will cry and obsess but only for 20 minutes. then 15. then 10, and so on. Sometimes time is the only cure for the non-stop tears.

At the end of those self imposed time limits I forced myself to do something. If not outside the home, then inside. Cleaning out a closet. Pull weeds. The busier I stayed the less I obsessed. Today I can sit still for hours and not give my old life more than a passing thought. Yet, when those thoughts occasionally come, I think my way through them, acknowledge what I'm feeling and then get busy again - even if getting busy means nothing more than changing my train of thought.

((()))

Janitw

Prodigal.....you are in my prayers sweetie......and what you wrote above...very (as usual) eloquently put.. Thank You

prodigal

Thank you so much for your prayers. I put great faith in the power of prayer, and I appreciate it when someone puts in a good word with "the boss" for me. I have an appointment on December 10 with an oncologist here in town. This place is known for having a number of somewhat wacko docs. My theory on the inordinate number of loonies in the medical profession here is it's the ONLY show around for 175 miles in either direction. I'm waiting for one of these quacks to start waving a dead chicken over my head and chanting some strange incantation right out of a ****** ceremony!

Like I said, I could be going bye-bye sooner than I expected, but then again maybe not. We all have expiration dates stamped on us; whether we choose to think about that or not, it's just a fact that nobody gets outta this life alive. In the meantime, on the advice of several dear friends, I will be calling the Mayo Clinic in Phoenix tomorrow to line up appointments with specialists ASAP. Whatever the outcome, I want any news - be it good or bad - to come from a real doctor. I'm keeping my fingers crossed I can get some appointments before December 10 because I'm not sure I want to go another round with any doctors in this town!

Kimm992

Praying for you!!!

Rella927

Prod sending you many prayers!

Hard as it is learning to live without the "Why" was a hard thing for me-until I realized how wonderful living in the present moment on a daily basis feels.....and I would not trade it for the world!

The strength and courage you have shown Prod is there!

keepingmyjoy

Prodigal, thanks for giving me food for thought.

I am praying that you get those appointments asap. Will include you in my daily prayers....hugs.

LaTeeDa

I've been thinking about this, and I just don't think I can ever stop asking Why. I'm a curious sort and Why? is a big part of my nature. I have noticed, though, since I found recovery, the subject matter of my questions has changed. I don't ask Why about other people's actions, or life events anymore. I have turned the Why? on me. I ask why I stayed in a relationship that wasn't meeting my needs for 20 years. I ask why I am attracted to people who don't appreciate me. I ask why I feel the need to please certain people, even at the expense of my happiness. The why is still there, and probably always will be, but the What has changed for me.

L

hbb

(((Prodigal))) My thoughts are with you.


I've asked why to these two questions CONSTANTLY, yet i'm too weak not to fall into the same pattern over and over. At the moment i have stuff going on at home and am involved says my roommate and not sure WHY!! I know it's her stuff and know that it's her misery but alot of the time i ask myself "why" when i should just know that i didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it. Guess it's the constant people pleasing in me.

LaTeeDa

That's a good start, Heather. Then I had to ask myself 'Why am I a people pleaser?' After some soul searching, I discovered that it was the way I was brought up. Nobody in my family ever got affection or validation just because. It was always given as a reward. Good grades, doing chores, finishing a project, etc. I learned that love was something that was earned, not something given freely without expectations.

It could be entirely different for you, but that's what I discovered about me. (with the help of my therapist and a lot of books, lol)

Sorry for the hijack, Prod. Keep us posted, okay?

L

FormerDoormat

Turning the heat up on the Lord, Prodigal. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Barbara52

LTD, my "why" questions are also focused inward. External whys, especially when it come to trying to understand the irrational, are unproductive at best.

Asking myself why on the other hand, can lead me thru to greater understanding of myself and finding the path to get to where I want to be.