I think I may not have BP after all....but I am not mentally well....anyone relate?
hippy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 492
I think I may not have BP after all....but I am not mentally well....anyone relate?
I don’t really think I am BP. (this is a long un...bare with me!)
To explain is rather hard but I will try.
I became ill a year- a year an a half ago with depression induced by anxiety and stress. My anti d’s did not work very well. I had them increased and increased to max but still I felt that I felt bad (a damn sight better than I do now)
I have mood swings, yes, I always have as long as I can remember. I have always been prone to depressive moods, elevated moods, extreme angers and in betweens. As I have gotten older, the depressions have always had a reason. The highs have always been what people like about me. The angers have become more and more unacceptable.
My ill health culminated in an extreme anger which prompted me to leave the family home to go to Cape Wrath. Not quite sure why…I just wanted to. This resulted in me being admitted to hospital for a night. After this came referral to the psychiatric services. I became convinced that there was more wrong with me than mere depression/anxiety as I had several moods in one day at times. I had times of feeling fine/good/bad etc so began to research. I found that I vaguely fitted the diagnoses of BP, but not in any extreme form. I presented this to pdoc who then had me keeping a mood diary. I had fluctuations, but no real pattern and was being treated as though I did have BP. My moods were not so extreme at that point.
I however, felt for one reason or another, that the anti depressant med wasn’t helping me (I never had) and asked for it to be changed to one I had been on before. I had a reaction to it. I came up in an itchy hot rash. I also began to get quite worked up and tried to get in touch with pdoc but communication was failing. I got more and more agitated and angry at everything around me and when pdoc finally got in touch with me, he reckoned I was experiencing a ‘high’ and did not want me on anti depressant meds. This was the clincher on his BP diagnoses. That was a few months ago and it has been hell on earth since. I became physically violent to my daughter not long after that, I drove round the country and slept in a car park (very out of character for me) and convinced myself I was hearing things (if I was to be honest, the things I was hearing I knew were in my imagination due to over tiredness so it doesn’t really count as a psychotic episode)
I fell out with every med the pdoc put me on and wanted it changed as I decided it was wrong for one reason or another including my seroquel (which actually was quite good)
I have asked my pdoc again and again 'is he convinced?(yes) Is he sure?(yes) Am I being a drama queen?(no) Does he have any doubt whatsoever?(no)
I had another reaction to a med. A med given to me after a threatened suicide that I probably would never have gone through with anyway. The road downhill since this has gotten even more steep and I am falling badly.
What I am trying to say is that I think I made myself fit the symptoms of BP. Yes, I definitely have mood swings. Yes, they are sometimes on the extreme side but I like the good side of that. It is the anger and depression I don’t like. BUT…..what if my anger is purely bad behaviour and poor impulse control? What if my depression is a dissatisfaction at life and needs me to make decisions? Maybe I am hiding my head in the sand?
The things I have presented to the pdoc for example.
Suicidal behaviours. I have done some silly stuff but never REALLY put myself at any real risk.
I took some pills and was sick, but I hadn’t taken enough anyway.
I took some pills and made myself sick. Again, I hadn’t taken enough.
I waded into a reservoir at night. I didn’t go too far and I don’t think I ever intended to.
I made up a suicide pack but told shrink about it when I had only taken a half dozen of the pills (and made myself sick to be on the safe side)
I have another suicide pack but I most likely won’t do anything with it.
I DO obsess about suicide attempts but I don’t think I would actually go that far. I think I have just been being a drama queen, wanting everyone to know just how bad I felt (poor wee me, please feel sorry for me, I am pathetic I know...........)
Someone told me my behaviours were ‘para suicidal’ meaning that I don’t intend to kill myself, but my behaviour could result in it. I don’t think it could, I don’t think I would go that far.
My highs. I do irresponsible things like book a holiday that I don’t want to go on without thinking through. Definitely ‘impulsive’ behaviour. This is surely just a human failing? I get very high and jolly and am described as a typical Gemini twin as I can be from one extreme to the other. Surely this is just my personality? Besides…my highs are why people like me. People don't like the plain every day me, they like the jolly happy up in the air me.
My anger. I am just a bad tempered bitch who has never learnt control. Yes, they scare the life out of me and I know I am doing wrong and if I believed taking lithium would stop me from being like that I would take it gladly. But I think it is just my poor impulse control again.
This brings me to here.
I do not think I am mentally well. Someone who is mentally well does not carry on in the way I do. But maybe by accepting I am mentally ill is a contradiction? Do mentally ill people not generally think they are fine? But in a way I am doing that by trying to convince myself I do not have BP.
Lithium. What if I am not BP and I take this drug? What does it mean for me if it doesn’t work? Do I really want it to work? What happens to me if I am not BP? What if there aren’t any fixes for me in a pill packet? What if it subdues my moods and no one likes me anymore? What if it feels like a chemical lobotomy for me?
This actually brings me to my most desperate point of the whole year and a half. I really believe I am at last chance saloon. I don’t think I can carry on fighting whatever it is that I am fighting. The weird thing about not feeling genuinely suicidal is that I feel nearer to it now than ever before and that scares the living hell out of me.When my husband left the house this morning to get his hair cut my first thought was 'great! I can go and take my pills' Yet I don't want to commit suicide! What did I want to do? Did I want to punish him for some weird reason? But I definately wanted to take those pills. Was I about to commit my first real, genuine, bona fide cry for help? But I am getting help! Do I want to be committed? But when I had the chance to be in hospital, I lasted 3 hours!
Hey, I might scare myself to death! ....No time for puns, seriously...I am so worried now at the course my mind is taking on some points of the day and it makes it worse to think I have brought it all on myself.
I don’t think I can accept what I believe to be the truth. I am just one of life’s chronically unhappy people. I am being punished for not being happy with what I have. I am being punished for being such a crap mother, an ungrateful mother, an unwilling mother. I am being punished for being glib about extreme emotions and now they are really coming to get me and there is nothing I can do about it.
Hippy
To explain is rather hard but I will try.
I became ill a year- a year an a half ago with depression induced by anxiety and stress. My anti d’s did not work very well. I had them increased and increased to max but still I felt that I felt bad (a damn sight better than I do now)
I have mood swings, yes, I always have as long as I can remember. I have always been prone to depressive moods, elevated moods, extreme angers and in betweens. As I have gotten older, the depressions have always had a reason. The highs have always been what people like about me. The angers have become more and more unacceptable.
My ill health culminated in an extreme anger which prompted me to leave the family home to go to Cape Wrath. Not quite sure why…I just wanted to. This resulted in me being admitted to hospital for a night. After this came referral to the psychiatric services. I became convinced that there was more wrong with me than mere depression/anxiety as I had several moods in one day at times. I had times of feeling fine/good/bad etc so began to research. I found that I vaguely fitted the diagnoses of BP, but not in any extreme form. I presented this to pdoc who then had me keeping a mood diary. I had fluctuations, but no real pattern and was being treated as though I did have BP. My moods were not so extreme at that point.
I however, felt for one reason or another, that the anti depressant med wasn’t helping me (I never had) and asked for it to be changed to one I had been on before. I had a reaction to it. I came up in an itchy hot rash. I also began to get quite worked up and tried to get in touch with pdoc but communication was failing. I got more and more agitated and angry at everything around me and when pdoc finally got in touch with me, he reckoned I was experiencing a ‘high’ and did not want me on anti depressant meds. This was the clincher on his BP diagnoses. That was a few months ago and it has been hell on earth since. I became physically violent to my daughter not long after that, I drove round the country and slept in a car park (very out of character for me) and convinced myself I was hearing things (if I was to be honest, the things I was hearing I knew were in my imagination due to over tiredness so it doesn’t really count as a psychotic episode)
I fell out with every med the pdoc put me on and wanted it changed as I decided it was wrong for one reason or another including my seroquel (which actually was quite good)
I have asked my pdoc again and again 'is he convinced?(yes) Is he sure?(yes) Am I being a drama queen?(no) Does he have any doubt whatsoever?(no)
I had another reaction to a med. A med given to me after a threatened suicide that I probably would never have gone through with anyway. The road downhill since this has gotten even more steep and I am falling badly.
What I am trying to say is that I think I made myself fit the symptoms of BP. Yes, I definitely have mood swings. Yes, they are sometimes on the extreme side but I like the good side of that. It is the anger and depression I don’t like. BUT…..what if my anger is purely bad behaviour and poor impulse control? What if my depression is a dissatisfaction at life and needs me to make decisions? Maybe I am hiding my head in the sand?
The things I have presented to the pdoc for example.
Suicidal behaviours. I have done some silly stuff but never REALLY put myself at any real risk.
I took some pills and was sick, but I hadn’t taken enough anyway.
I took some pills and made myself sick. Again, I hadn’t taken enough.
I waded into a reservoir at night. I didn’t go too far and I don’t think I ever intended to.
I made up a suicide pack but told shrink about it when I had only taken a half dozen of the pills (and made myself sick to be on the safe side)
I have another suicide pack but I most likely won’t do anything with it.
I DO obsess about suicide attempts but I don’t think I would actually go that far. I think I have just been being a drama queen, wanting everyone to know just how bad I felt (poor wee me, please feel sorry for me, I am pathetic I know...........)
Someone told me my behaviours were ‘para suicidal’ meaning that I don’t intend to kill myself, but my behaviour could result in it. I don’t think it could, I don’t think I would go that far.
My highs. I do irresponsible things like book a holiday that I don’t want to go on without thinking through. Definitely ‘impulsive’ behaviour. This is surely just a human failing? I get very high and jolly and am described as a typical Gemini twin as I can be from one extreme to the other. Surely this is just my personality? Besides…my highs are why people like me. People don't like the plain every day me, they like the jolly happy up in the air me.
My anger. I am just a bad tempered bitch who has never learnt control. Yes, they scare the life out of me and I know I am doing wrong and if I believed taking lithium would stop me from being like that I would take it gladly. But I think it is just my poor impulse control again.
This brings me to here.
I do not think I am mentally well. Someone who is mentally well does not carry on in the way I do. But maybe by accepting I am mentally ill is a contradiction? Do mentally ill people not generally think they are fine? But in a way I am doing that by trying to convince myself I do not have BP.
Lithium. What if I am not BP and I take this drug? What does it mean for me if it doesn’t work? Do I really want it to work? What happens to me if I am not BP? What if there aren’t any fixes for me in a pill packet? What if it subdues my moods and no one likes me anymore? What if it feels like a chemical lobotomy for me?
This actually brings me to my most desperate point of the whole year and a half. I really believe I am at last chance saloon. I don’t think I can carry on fighting whatever it is that I am fighting. The weird thing about not feeling genuinely suicidal is that I feel nearer to it now than ever before and that scares the living hell out of me.When my husband left the house this morning to get his hair cut my first thought was 'great! I can go and take my pills' Yet I don't want to commit suicide! What did I want to do? Did I want to punish him for some weird reason? But I definately wanted to take those pills. Was I about to commit my first real, genuine, bona fide cry for help? But I am getting help! Do I want to be committed? But when I had the chance to be in hospital, I lasted 3 hours!
Hey, I might scare myself to death! ....No time for puns, seriously...I am so worried now at the course my mind is taking on some points of the day and it makes it worse to think I have brought it all on myself.
I don’t think I can accept what I believe to be the truth. I am just one of life’s chronically unhappy people. I am being punished for not being happy with what I have. I am being punished for being such a crap mother, an ungrateful mother, an unwilling mother. I am being punished for being glib about extreme emotions and now they are really coming to get me and there is nothing I can do about it.
Hippy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
BiPolar or not.....
Hi Hippy, :comfort
You sure have a lot of symptoms all wrapped around each other. I was doing the same thing as you and had previously been diagnosed with Major Depression/Anger Driven. Then I went into a manic episode and was sent out of town to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis.
She diagnosed me as BP and put me on 1200 Mg of Lithium and sent me home. In about a week I was Toxic on the Lithium and had to be taken back to see her and by the time I got there, I couldn't walk unless supported. She hospitalized me and took me off of all meds for three days and then started me on 900 mg. of Lithium.
I took this medication for over ten years....I had several manic episodes but not really a lot...I started keeping track and the manic episodes coinsided with when a new medication for my depression was tried.
I went with this information to my doctor and he had me see my local psychiatrist that monitored my meds.....she agreed that she didn't think I was BP and let me titrate slowly off the Lithium. This was the beginning of cutting down other sedating medications...some for my arthritis...and a road to losing weight and becoming more involved in daily life.
It took a year to titrate off these meds because she had us do it very slowly. I went back after the year was up for another evaluation. She was sooo pleased with my progress. She then told me about Lexapro and asked me to try it. End of story. The Lexapro + Effexor XR are the right combination for me. I rarely have a depressed day and if I do can work myself out of it.
As long as some of these diagnoses have been around and with all the new meds to address different mental illnesses, I am surprised it still is a mystery how to treat some of the mental health illnesses.
It has taken me many years to get where I am now. Lots of trials and errors but of course when I was first diagnosed with depression in the fifties...they didn't have much, if any idea how to treat depression....the biggest way (in the 1970's) was with sleep therapy where they would give me enough drugs so I would be awake at meal times only for three days. I had to be in the hospital for them to do it.
I hope you find an answer soon. I am no doctor but just told you what it was like for me. :praying
kelsh
You sure have a lot of symptoms all wrapped around each other. I was doing the same thing as you and had previously been diagnosed with Major Depression/Anger Driven. Then I went into a manic episode and was sent out of town to see a psychiatrist for a diagnosis.
She diagnosed me as BP and put me on 1200 Mg of Lithium and sent me home. In about a week I was Toxic on the Lithium and had to be taken back to see her and by the time I got there, I couldn't walk unless supported. She hospitalized me and took me off of all meds for three days and then started me on 900 mg. of Lithium.
I took this medication for over ten years....I had several manic episodes but not really a lot...I started keeping track and the manic episodes coinsided with when a new medication for my depression was tried.
I went with this information to my doctor and he had me see my local psychiatrist that monitored my meds.....she agreed that she didn't think I was BP and let me titrate slowly off the Lithium. This was the beginning of cutting down other sedating medications...some for my arthritis...and a road to losing weight and becoming more involved in daily life.
It took a year to titrate off these meds because she had us do it very slowly. I went back after the year was up for another evaluation. She was sooo pleased with my progress. She then told me about Lexapro and asked me to try it. End of story. The Lexapro + Effexor XR are the right combination for me. I rarely have a depressed day and if I do can work myself out of it.
As long as some of these diagnoses have been around and with all the new meds to address different mental illnesses, I am surprised it still is a mystery how to treat some of the mental health illnesses.
It has taken me many years to get where I am now. Lots of trials and errors but of course when I was first diagnosed with depression in the fifties...they didn't have much, if any idea how to treat depression....the biggest way (in the 1970's) was with sleep therapy where they would give me enough drugs so I would be awake at meal times only for three days. I had to be in the hospital for them to do it.
I hope you find an answer soon. I am no doctor but just told you what it was like for me. :praying
kelsh
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
I am only a nurse not a Dr. but what u describe sounds very much like bipolar to me. If you think it is needed get a second opinion. Personally, I would not be afraid of lithium, it is not as "bad" as people think. It is an old school med. but I have known people who did well with it. Seroquel is good for mood swings and is known to help with anger. I would not accept the idea that u are just one of those people unhappy people. There is so much that can be done to help manage your symptoms. Talk to your Dr. and be open to his treatment suggestions. Without my meds my quality of life would be pretty bad. Take care of u, Kerry
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hey there Hippy 
I'm sorry you're going thru all this down stuff. That must really suck. I don't know if you have BiPolar, but I have a lot of friends who do. My best friend Chuck has BP, he takes the lithium and he's always normal and happy. He doesn't have those irresponsible high or the downers anymore.
I don't have BP, but I do have a very sick heart, so I spend a lot of time feeling awful and just lying in bed cuz my chest hurts. Docs call it angina, and it sucks. I take all kinds of meds, but none of them can make me normal and happy the way Lithium does, so I think it would be cool to have a med that worked the way Lithium does.
I think the best thing about meds is that you can change your mind and _stop_ taking a med. Or even try a different med.
The really bad thing about suicide is that there is no way to change your mind. None. zip.
I don't know about you but I like changing my mind, so I'm going to stick with my meds even though they don't make me all the way normal and happy. I hope you stick with your meds and try the Lithium.
Do you like hugs, Hippy? If you do here's a few for you ((((( hugs )))) If you don't like hugs then just leave 'em, you don't have to take 'em if you don't like 'em.
Mike
I'm sorry you're going thru all this down stuff. That must really suck. I don't know if you have BiPolar, but I have a lot of friends who do. My best friend Chuck has BP, he takes the lithium and he's always normal and happy. He doesn't have those irresponsible high or the downers anymore.
I don't have BP, but I do have a very sick heart, so I spend a lot of time feeling awful and just lying in bed cuz my chest hurts. Docs call it angina, and it sucks. I take all kinds of meds, but none of them can make me normal and happy the way Lithium does, so I think it would be cool to have a med that worked the way Lithium does.
I think the best thing about meds is that you can change your mind and _stop_ taking a med. Or even try a different med.
The really bad thing about suicide is that there is no way to change your mind. None. zip.
I don't know about you but I like changing my mind, so I'm going to stick with my meds even though they don't make me all the way normal and happy. I hope you stick with your meds and try the Lithium.
Do you like hugs, Hippy? If you do here's a few for you ((((( hugs )))) If you don't like hugs then just leave 'em, you don't have to take 'em if you don't like 'em.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Anytown, USA
Posts: 1,019
Don't get caught up in label, as that is only really for the paperwork when all is said and done. It is more important to look at some of the stuff that is going on, and figure out what is best for your current situation. It sounds like you need more support than you currently have, so you may want to try and find some more.
As for the meds stuff, be honest with your prescriber, and hopefully they can help find the best fit for you. Labels again are less important here, as each med addresses certain symptoms, and not strictly a diagnosis.
Best of luck.
-p
As for the meds stuff, be honest with your prescriber, and hopefully they can help find the best fit for you. Labels again are less important here, as each med addresses certain symptoms, and not strictly a diagnosis.
Best of luck.
-p
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