I have a son who is killing me inside
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
I have a son who is killing me inside
Hi, My name is Sandi and I am just shy of 30 days clean from a opiate addiction and I am determined to keep it going. I have had the worst 2 days in a looong time over my 18 year old son. He had ADD, bi-polar, anger problems, drug issues to name a few. He doesn't have any of his adderall left because he wouldn't let my mother distribute them to him because "he is 18 and can handle his own medicine" so he sold them and took more then he should of and now he is going crazy. He is living in a house that I bought to rehab and rent and he is going thru his second girlfriend and I cant get them out of there. He trashes the house and I have to clean up after him before my husband comes down to work on it. He is in alot of trouble with the law, he had his license taken away at 17 but still drives. He spent all day today calling me and cussing me out and I am the reason for everything that happens in his life. He multiplates me and makes me feel so down. I haven't been to work in 2 days because I just cant get out of this bed. It just breaks my heart in pieces to hear him say the words to me that I could never imagine I would say to my own mother. I have bailed him out of EVERY single situation he has been in and I am just tired and done with it. I had to pick him and his girlfriend up down in the heart of the worst part of our city 3 weeks ago, the cops waited for me to get there and the area was so bad that I couldnt wait by the car while my husband went to get a battery for my sons car. Drug dealers and prostitutes were right there. This girlfriend of his was his so called soul mate and now he is with a girl that he dated in the past and she has a 3 month old baby living in this house with him. I had to rush down there Sunday morning and he is laying on the living room floor with a busted nose and he said he was robbed. I dont beleive anything that comes out of his mouth. I love him so much, he is my only child but I feel so trapped. I feel like the only way out of this miserable relationship is to pack my belongings and leave my whole life behind and move out of state and never look back. When I go to work, he will continuously call me and threaten to come there and make a scene and tell all of my co-workers that I am a #*$## and a #$$#@. Last nite we were arguing on the phone and he said listen mom, and I heard him hitting and throwning things around the house that I bought to sell. He just called and was beggin for money, gotta go, Thanks for listening.
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
I wanted to add that I have been on the other forums for my own addiction problems and now being on this one and reading all of your posts, I know that I will be able to deal with my problem with my son because I see that I am not alone. I have been embarrassed and humilated by him and always looked around for someone else that had to deal with this and there never has been anyone. So thank God for this forum, I can see me here alot. These problems that I am having with him have been a problem thruout his entire life, it hasnt and it still isnt just drug and alcohol, its been his learning disability, add and anger even when he was a small little guy. So this is nothing new but he is 18 and I am getting older and I am just sick and tired of this. One of the main reasons I quit my addiction was to have a clear mind to help him. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome Newsandi and congratulations on your clean time. My addict is my daughter. She is 21 and also an only child. I know that I blamed myself for a long time for her addiction. But I will tell you that it is NOT your fault. Sounds like you are tired of the manipulation and the walking on eggshells. Good for you. Time for some good old fashioned boundaries. Ones that you can live with and ones that you can enforce. Our children may have problems that contributed to their addictions, but they are the ones that have to fix their problems and until they do, we have to take care of ourselves and do whatever is necessary to keep ourselves safe and healthy. Again congratulations and welcome. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
(((Sandi)))
First, welcome to the anon forums and congratulations on your clean time. Before finding alanon and online forums, my son's addiction was my "dirty little secret" and boy, the load just about crushed me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, but it helps so much to know that we're not alone. My son was never violent, but I had to learn to say no and stick to my boundaries until he learned that I meant it. That didn't happen overnight, but as I began to take care of myself and let him deal with his own consequences, life got better for both of us.
Others will be along soon to welcome you and my prayers are with you and your son.
hugs ~
deedee
First, welcome to the anon forums and congratulations on your clean time. Before finding alanon and online forums, my son's addiction was my "dirty little secret" and boy, the load just about crushed me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this too, but it helps so much to know that we're not alone. My son was never violent, but I had to learn to say no and stick to my boundaries until he learned that I meant it. That didn't happen overnight, but as I began to take care of myself and let him deal with his own consequences, life got better for both of us.
Others will be along soon to welcome you and my prayers are with you and your son.
hugs ~
deedee
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
Thanks guys, I already feel better reading all of the posts here and all of your understanding. My son isnt violent towards me but he has been known to tear things up around him. He just came here to get a little money, only gave him $10 which is not what he is used to and then hugs me and tells me he loves me, but a hour ago he cussed me out and said he never wants to see me again. Its a night and day thing with him. And alot of this is his mental state and not drugs. He sees a doctor for his condition but he never opens up to tell them how he really feels inside. I dont know, I just take it day by day like everything else in my life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi Sandi, 
It sounds like you are on the right road for yourself. I am a recovering alcoholic with five children and only one of my kids got too deep into drugs and alcohol...he tried suicide while drunk and now is a quadraplegic. He rents a house near us and has caregivers that come three times a day to get him up and put him in bed in the afternoon and bedtime. They also do laundry, housework, cooking, grocery shopping and other errands. He spends several months a year in the VA Hospital in Seattle were they do medical care and surgeries when he needs them.
It was hard for me to accept and we both have boundaries...which is good. My husband has a hard time with it but does go visit with me. Our son likes some free time to himself and also has his teenage sons on every other weekend. :atv
He is 38 years old and not much of a future. He has learned to breathe with his stomach so doesn't have to be on a respirator anymore. He has a power-super wheel chair that can be tilted way back to take pressure off his backside. I worked most of my working career in hospitals, nursing homes, and my last job was at Mental health so I do understand all the different functions he has to deal with in order to be in his own place.
The VA feels he would be better off in a Nursing Home but he would rather die sooner at home rather than go to a nursing home.
I just pray every day and come here to try to help others. We are not responsible for what happens to our children in their choice of lifestyles...just have to support them if and when they are ready to get help. Our son went for help but still preferred to drink than take his medications for depression.
Please keep coming back so we can give you all the support to continue on with your program of quitting drugs. It must be so very hard for you and with a son out there too...and wanting you to hurt as bad as he is hurting. :comfort
kelsh
It sounds like you are on the right road for yourself. I am a recovering alcoholic with five children and only one of my kids got too deep into drugs and alcohol...he tried suicide while drunk and now is a quadraplegic. He rents a house near us and has caregivers that come three times a day to get him up and put him in bed in the afternoon and bedtime. They also do laundry, housework, cooking, grocery shopping and other errands. He spends several months a year in the VA Hospital in Seattle were they do medical care and surgeries when he needs them.
It was hard for me to accept and we both have boundaries...which is good. My husband has a hard time with it but does go visit with me. Our son likes some free time to himself and also has his teenage sons on every other weekend. :atv
He is 38 years old and not much of a future. He has learned to breathe with his stomach so doesn't have to be on a respirator anymore. He has a power-super wheel chair that can be tilted way back to take pressure off his backside. I worked most of my working career in hospitals, nursing homes, and my last job was at Mental health so I do understand all the different functions he has to deal with in order to be in his own place.
The VA feels he would be better off in a Nursing Home but he would rather die sooner at home rather than go to a nursing home.
I just pray every day and come here to try to help others. We are not responsible for what happens to our children in their choice of lifestyles...just have to support them if and when they are ready to get help. Our son went for help but still preferred to drink than take his medications for depression.
Please keep coming back so we can give you all the support to continue on with your program of quitting drugs. It must be so very hard for you and with a son out there too...and wanting you to hurt as bad as he is hurting. :comfort
kelsh
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I am sorry you have to go through this with your son.
I have two sons. One is an addict who is living in a half way house and doing well.
The other is neither an addict or an alcoholic. He just kept getting in trouble. He's been in jail 3 times, is still in for the last offence. These offences are all stealing out of cars! It started when he was 17. Now, he's 26 and I feel I hardly know him because I've not seen him much since all this jail time.
But, this is the price they pay for their problems that they refuse to address. I hate it so much. It hurts the family.
And, to make it worse, the one in jail is so very sick and can't get in to see a doctor because of all the BS within the system. He has a lump in his throat.
I continue to lean on God, my Higher Power. I am still together and still sane.
I have to work it day by day. If I look into the future, I get sick, worried and I just can't handle taking on the future when it hasn't even happened yet.
One day at a time.
You have broken your own addiction. This is a tremendous accomplishment, and I am sure you too do it one day at a time.
The only thing that worked for my children was to let them fall. Let them pay for their consequences. That included not living at my house. Finding thier own way. Living in jail.
It's all going to work out when HP completes his work in them.
I hope you find a way to relieve the stress. You don't need it at this time in your life, having to deal with your own issues. But with help from HP, you can do anything.
I have two sons. One is an addict who is living in a half way house and doing well.
The other is neither an addict or an alcoholic. He just kept getting in trouble. He's been in jail 3 times, is still in for the last offence. These offences are all stealing out of cars! It started when he was 17. Now, he's 26 and I feel I hardly know him because I've not seen him much since all this jail time.
But, this is the price they pay for their problems that they refuse to address. I hate it so much. It hurts the family.
And, to make it worse, the one in jail is so very sick and can't get in to see a doctor because of all the BS within the system. He has a lump in his throat.
I continue to lean on God, my Higher Power. I am still together and still sane.
I have to work it day by day. If I look into the future, I get sick, worried and I just can't handle taking on the future when it hasn't even happened yet.
One day at a time.
You have broken your own addiction. This is a tremendous accomplishment, and I am sure you too do it one day at a time.
The only thing that worked for my children was to let them fall. Let them pay for their consequences. That included not living at my house. Finding thier own way. Living in jail.
It's all going to work out when HP completes his work in them.
I hope you find a way to relieve the stress. You don't need it at this time in your life, having to deal with your own issues. But with help from HP, you can do anything.
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
Wow, Kelsh, I am sooooo sorry to hear that about your son. I could not even fathom going thru that. I hope everything works out for you and your son. I do feel 100% better getting on this forum. It was recommended to me a couple weeks ago but at that time I had to focus on my sobriety and feel strong enough now to work on my enabling him. So, thanks for your post. You guys are in my prayers.
Was, I wish you all the best with your 2 boys. I wish that I could put my son in some type of half way house but I doubt that will happen. Like I said, he is living in my rental property and I am losing money, that I dont have, for him to shack up there with a girl that he dated in the past, that is not welcome in my home. She cause me and my husband to just about divorce because she is crazy. He with her now and she has a baby that doesn't need to be there. I dont know what is worse him living there and me losing money or him coming back home and causing alot of turmoil. Him and my husband dont get along and they have had some serious yelling matches. I feel I am damned if I do and damned if I dont.
Was, I wish you all the best with your 2 boys. I wish that I could put my son in some type of half way house but I doubt that will happen. Like I said, he is living in my rental property and I am losing money, that I dont have, for him to shack up there with a girl that he dated in the past, that is not welcome in my home. She cause me and my husband to just about divorce because she is crazy. He with her now and she has a baby that doesn't need to be there. I dont know what is worse him living there and me losing money or him coming back home and causing alot of turmoil. Him and my husband dont get along and they have had some serious yelling matches. I feel I am damned if I do and damned if I dont.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Sounds like you are doing the best possible for yourself....staying sober.
Little by little you will be able to clean up the wreckage of your past...but only if you stay sober. Do it this time!!!!!!!!!
Little by little you will be able to clean up the wreckage of your past...but only if you stay sober. Do it this time!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: At the zoo
Posts: 244
((((newsandi)))
Welcome and congratulations on being a double winner.
My addict is my daughter 21, who now has almost 5 months clean time. Take care of you first of all. Your son has his own path to travel on his road to recovery. Maybe your example will help him find his way.
Welcome and congratulations on being a double winner.
My addict is my daughter 21, who now has almost 5 months clean time. Take care of you first of all. Your son has his own path to travel on his road to recovery. Maybe your example will help him find his way.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Welcome NewSandi,
Glad you're joining us, and congrats on your clean time.
I'm the mom of 2 addict sons, and I know how heartbreaking it can be.
I'm just wondering about letting him stay in YOUR place that you rent out, if he can't respect you, or your property, maybe he needs to find other lodging? And next time he becomes verbally abusive, hang up the phone, don't let him disrespect you.
AND make sure you take care of YOU first.
Just my thoughts...
Hugs,
Glad you're joining us, and congrats on your clean time.
I'm the mom of 2 addict sons, and I know how heartbreaking it can be.
I'm just wondering about letting him stay in YOUR place that you rent out, if he can't respect you, or your property, maybe he needs to find other lodging? And next time he becomes verbally abusive, hang up the phone, don't let him disrespect you.
AND make sure you take care of YOU first.
Just my thoughts...
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
WELCOME TO S.R. i am glad u r here. congratulation on your clean time. i hope you make it this time.i am the mother of an addict son also.your son sounds alot like mine before i found s.r. i have learned there is nothing i can do to help him stay clean.he will not do it unles he wants to. i have bailed him out of jail, paid lawyers,rehabs & nothing worked. it just made me broker & broker & made me insane. i do not do that today. it did not help him.each time he was bailed out he got into more trouble.this went on for 17yrs.before i quit doing it.i deserve better. he has got to get clean by himself. making a soft place for him to land did not work.today i take care of my self by getting recovery for me. it is hard but it is the thing to do.set your boundries & let it fall where it falls.take care of yourself. it saved my sanity. prayers for you & your son,hope
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((((NewSandi))))))
Congratulations on your clean time. I quit smoking cigarettes about 4 months ago.
Arrrgggg! That alone is hard enough. I just can't imagine what you've had to deal with. I'm sorry to hear about your son. My 26 (tomorrow) yo son is the addict in my life. Just pot occasionally, but 2 years ago he was heavy into iv'ing heroin.
6 months in jail (robbing my home) cleaned him up of that.
He still has never worked a program, but I thank God daily that he's doing much better now.
My sister has 2 sons who are both addicts. 1 was just released from a 6 month rehab program, Thank you, God, and the other is still out there. Where you live, as a matter of fact. Pretty scary.
I just wanted to welcome you, send out some prayers, and let you know that the best you can do for your son is put him out of your house and stop giving him money.
I'm sure you know these things, so sorry if I stepped over the line.
I just think that you have so much to deal with, yourself. You really need to focus on your own recovery and give him to HP.
Keep comin' back for support. This is a great place to share.
A new sr friend,
Congratulations on your clean time. I quit smoking cigarettes about 4 months ago.
Arrrgggg! That alone is hard enough. I just can't imagine what you've had to deal with. I'm sorry to hear about your son. My 26 (tomorrow) yo son is the addict in my life. Just pot occasionally, but 2 years ago he was heavy into iv'ing heroin.
6 months in jail (robbing my home) cleaned him up of that.
He still has never worked a program, but I thank God daily that he's doing much better now.
My sister has 2 sons who are both addicts. 1 was just released from a 6 month rehab program, Thank you, God, and the other is still out there. Where you live, as a matter of fact. Pretty scary.
I just wanted to welcome you, send out some prayers, and let you know that the best you can do for your son is put him out of your house and stop giving him money.
I'm sure you know these things, so sorry if I stepped over the line.
I just think that you have so much to deal with, yourself. You really need to focus on your own recovery and give him to HP.
Keep comin' back for support. This is a great place to share.
A new sr friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Falling Waters, WV
Posts: 150
Congratulations on your time clean and I hope your see nothing but progress in your future. Onto you son and a little of my story. I am not sure why we parents feel that we should have to take the verbal abuse or lack of respect that our addict children shoots our way. I have tought my children, if nothing else, I WILL be respected come hell or high water. This is were I drew the line for my daughter, the day she decided she could disrespect me and in my home no-less. Drugs or no drugs, children need to respect their parents and in my case where my daughter crossed those limits she was put out of the house. Did I worry, YES, I did nothing but worry and I still do to this day. But even in the conversations that I have with my daughter today, she does not cuss at me, she does not disrepect me.
I think boundries need to be set. In your case, either he finds a job to start taking care of himself or he will be out on his behind!! I definately wouldn't be handing out money to somewho who feels the need to verbally abuse me or threaten to show up at my work. If that was the case, and I was in the same situation, I would let him show up and call the police! I know that this is easier said then done, but where do you draw the line? Do you allow this to keep happening...i mean supporting him with not only money but a place to live or do you make him stand up to the plate and start acting like an adult? He is going to what addicts do whether you help him or not...so...why drag yourself down with him?
I only wish you the best of luck and hope you find the strength to stand up to him and tell him No...NO MORE!!
Trisha
I think boundries need to be set. In your case, either he finds a job to start taking care of himself or he will be out on his behind!! I definately wouldn't be handing out money to somewho who feels the need to verbally abuse me or threaten to show up at my work. If that was the case, and I was in the same situation, I would let him show up and call the police! I know that this is easier said then done, but where do you draw the line? Do you allow this to keep happening...i mean supporting him with not only money but a place to live or do you make him stand up to the plate and start acting like an adult? He is going to what addicts do whether you help him or not...so...why drag yourself down with him?
I only wish you the best of luck and hope you find the strength to stand up to him and tell him No...NO MORE!!
Trisha
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
Thanks everyone for sharing your stories. I know what I have to do and I have been taking baby steps to ween him and myself off of this rollercoaster. He would overdraft on his bank account and I would transfer funds, he got a cash advance and I went and paid it and I would pay his credit card bill. BUT the last time I did these 3 things I told him I would not do it again. He owes the bank, the cash advance place and his credit card and I refuse to pay it. He has asked a few times and I told him NO! So he hasn't asked again. I used to give him alot of money and now it he gets 20 bucks he is lucky. I am going to work on getting him out of my rental property soon, this girl he is shacked up with is nothing but drama and that just makes matters worse so I will start that battle next. Thanks to all of you guys for your stories and support. It is well needed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Welcome and congrats! You should be proud of yourself, your determination is evident!
Sorry for your on, he will be in my prayers. You know at 17-?? they are smarted than anyone else!
susan
:praying
Sorry for your on, he will be in my prayers. You know at 17-?? they are smarted than anyone else!
susan
:praying
Content with my past
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 643
Yes, he think he knows everything. And now that he is 18, I dont have the control like I used to. I went to pick up his Adderrall for his problem and he blocked me in and told the pharmist that he was 18 and that I wasn't allowed to pick it up. And dumb a## me, paid for it and had to back out of the drive-thru because he wouldnt let me out. He has been out for 5 days, going crazy, and cant get any until Dec 5. He sold them and took more then he should of. But what bothers me the most is that he wont admit that I was right. I told him, you cant control the pills because they will control you but like you said they know everything and us parents have no clue. It is frustrating but being on this forum, I am gaining strength and courage by the minute. Thanks to all of you wonderful people to let me know that I am not alone.
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