nowinsituation

I have been reading many of your stories and I think I have finally found people who will understand. Here is my story (as abbreviated as possible!). . . I have been married for 24 years to a man that I now feel like I don’t even know. We have two children – ages 19 and 13. Hubby is disabled and has been unable to work or drive for the past 10 years. At first his disability seemed to bring us closer together, but as years went by it really put a wedge between us as I waited with patience wearing thin for him to accept and adapt to his disability (things he could have accomplished with proper training and rehabilitation). For almost a year now I could really feel something was just not quite right; and I began to suspect that he was drinking excessively. There was always beer in the fridge (his friends would bring it – and I never knew how much they were bringing). He would always be drinking a beer when I got home from work, and would have a couple more during the evening. But, I had always accepted that as normal behavior. Anyway, last summer I started counting exactly how many beers were disappearing out of the refrigerator – and discovered he was drinking 8-12 beers a day, every day (not a day went by that he didn’t drink); and most of those were before I got home from work. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. For all of those years I had been supporting him and encouraging him because he was “doing the best he could.” I felt so betrayed.

This went on for about a month before I confronted him. I actually had already made plans to leave him – but after our confrontation he admitted that he had been drinking too much (but not that it was a “problem” or that he was an “alcoholic”) and that he would stop. He begged me to stay and help him. I agreed, and he began to get some disability-related training and we saw a counselor. Even to the counselor he would not admit that his drinking was something he could not handle on his own. Everything appeared to be going ok – I was not checking the beer in the fridge “every day” anymore; but I would spot check. Sometimes there would be more in there one day than there had been the day before; I wonder where it was coming from as there was no new supply from his “friends”. I knew he had a hidden supply somewhere, but I couldn’t find it. There were a couple occasions I knew he was drunk; and we would fight about it. He claimed he had the right to drink if he wanted to, and he didn’t need my permission.

A few weeks ago I resorted to digging through our garbage (I am not proud of this) and discovered by counting the cans in the recycling that he was still drinking an average of 6 beers a day, every day. Then one night I went out to his garage and saw the ladder in the middle of the floor. I climbed up the ladder and looked up in the rafters (under a plastic tub) and found the hidden stash of beer. Again, another sucker punch in the gut. I confronted him again, and he denied that he had been drinking anything; even after I told him I knew for a fact that he was lying he continued to adamantly deny it.

I left with my daughter a few days later. I don’t know how we can ever reconcile – even if he admits he has a problem and claims he is not drinking I will never be able to trust him?? A part of me feels guilty though, that I did not give him enough warning before I left.

I am very new to this and would love to hear your thoughts!

Barbara52

Welcome. You are in a great place for support and information.

One thing that may help you right now is to remember that you haven't done anything that can't be undone if you decide to in the future. You felt it necessary to leave. Don't second guess yourself.

My AH believes I didn't give him any warning before I left. All those times over who knows how long that I told him I wold leave if he didn't stop drinking and didn't get a job have been forgotten. When I finally had enough I left. ANd do not regret that decision. I will be getting a divorce but that is the right thing for me. Leaving does not mean you cannot go back to living with him again if you decide that is the right thing to do.

Figure out what you want from your life going forward and make your plans based on that. You cannot force him to change. You can bring about change for yourself.

rawr_x

welcome to this site. we all understand and will give you great advice. the more threads you read the better you will understand.

keepingmyjoy

IMHO, your snooping confirmed what you suspected and so it was an attempt to see for yourself the reality of what was going on. When you found that what you suspected was confirmed, you made a choice for yourself. I cannot tell you how to feel, but I can ask this:

Did you leave to take care of yourself and daughter, or did you leave to "make him stop drinking"?

IMHO, if you left to take care of you and your daughter, you do not need to feel guilty. If you left to make him stop drinking, you do not need to feel guilty. Just take stock of what YOU need and want out of your life for yourself and daughter and make that your priority. Try to remember that you cannot control his drinking and all you can do is make healthy choices for you and your daughter.

Have you tried Alanon?

I am sorry you are going through this... and welcome!

nowinsituation

Thank you all -- for the first time in a long time I don't feel like I am the crazy one here. Good question about why I left -- I am not trying to make him stop drinking; so I guess I left to take care of myself. I left because I could not stand to be around him knowing he is going to such great lengths to try to "pull one over on me". The more I read on here, the more I wonder how long this has been going on and how I could have been so oblivious?? But then, I stop and think maybe I am blowing this all out of proportion. Being away is giving me a chance to get some perspective. The last thing he asked when I was leaving was if he could call and we could talk more -- I agreed and he has my apt, work, and cell #'s. I see him daily when I pick my daughter up (she goes there after school). He has not tried to talk to me at home nor has he called. Guess he didn't really want to talk about anything too bad. This is just so confusing??

dakota69

Your post reads like I could have written it myself just weeks ago. The only difference in my situation is there is no disability with my AH. He was hiding the beer and each time I found a new hiding spot, he found another one. Each time I found a new hiding spot, it was a sucker punch in the gut. I confronted him, he agreed he drank too much but that he would cut back on his own. When he said this, I would stop counting because I trusted and beleived. Then I would do a 'spot check' and low and behold, he was drinking just as many. When I first confronted him he was drinking up to 12 beer a day EVERY day. He then cut back to 6/day when he was hiding them. That wasn't good enough for me. I told him I was willing to be by his side and support him through recovery. But in order for him to be in recovery he would need to admit he had a problem. He refused to do that.
I left.
I have been gone 5 weeks now and it has been hard. Really hard. But I know I have done the right thing. I know becuase he is still drinking and he has still not even tried to get any help for it.
And I have told him a number of times that I am not closing any doors here. I am just simply doing what I need to do for me for right now.
I have told him that if he decides to get help for the right reasons (ie. for him and not for me), then we can see where our lives our at that time.
But for now, I can not be with him. For me.
For you - you have to decide what life you want. For you and for your daughter.
And leaving isn't easy. I still struggle every day. But I know that I if I was still there I would still be searching for his latest hiding spot. I would still be wondering if every word out of his mouth is a lie. And I KNOW that is no way to live. So, I am trying this alternative.
And I KNOW it will get better and easier.
And IF one day he decides to acknowledge he has a problem and decides to get help for it, there is nothing saying we can not reconcile.
But for me, for now, this is what i have to do to get my life back.

Make sure you look after your life. Yours and your daughters. He is a grown man and he makes the decisions he makes on his own. Make your decisions on your own.

My thoughts are with you. I feel your pain. I really do. But it does slowly (VERY slowly) get better with time. At least it has so far. A long road to go...but I'm getting there.

Keep strong.

mallowcup

There is no magic number of cans that determines your threshold. It isn't the number of cans, it's the number of disappointments. Counting cans is like counting betrayals, counting lies, counting encounters with his mistress...
The translation of what we say and think all along the way is a prayer, a mantra.
We count cans as if to say, "please don't make me lose any more respect for you, don't make me fall out of love with you, please don't make me parent you, please stand up and be the man I gave stewardship over my life". It does great harm over time to have the unspoken message the a can of liquid is more important than your aching heart.
For our men it is alcohol, for others it is another woman, drugs, gambling, pornography.....they are all betrayals. Normal mentally healthy people should be hurt when someone recurrently lies to them. It is when it stops hurting and in some self preserving zone, we go numb. We feel nothing but resigned, We can't help ourselves out of it. Life becomes a constant state of digging out of the situations their drinking has created. It is not and event, it is always in motion.
Most of us here can tell you there was a day when we all had lines that better not be crossed or we were out of here! Where did that woman go? She has compromised herself out of existance.
Leave why?, save who? What happy life? That happy bride is dead.
Maybe she needed to. There is a seed in every woman that can be nothing more than a seed, that seed can overtake all the weeds.
Find someone to confide in. Get some healthy support around you to help bring clairty to this. It is the water that will make that seed grow.
You will find that coming here is a source of encouragment without judgement. You come back for more because it makes sense, when nothing else does.

nowinsituation

Dakota 69 - I am sorry you are also going through this -- but I am so thankful to hear from you. How do they rationalize their actions? If you are hiding your beer, you must be ashamed of how much you are drinking -- yet, that is not a problem??Why oh why do they do this? How did things get like this and my biggest question -- How long has it been going on and HOW did I not see it. To know I am not alone has been the biggest boost I have had in several months. Please keep me posted on how things are going for you!!

And thank you all so much. I finally feel that I have a home.

I have been out of the home for a week now. I have no idea if he is still drinking or not -- I don't have to wonder anymore. I can't believe he hasn't even initiated any contact to try to find out what is necessary for us to work things out. But I am no longer confused about whether I did the right thing. The longer I am out the more I know how miserable I was there. I can breathe and it feels good!!

I stopped and joined the Y on my way home from work. I am heading out shortly to have a good workout!!

laurie6781

First let me say WELCOME to SR, you have found a GREAT PLACE!!!!!

By the time I was 16 I was hiding hard liquor in my locker at school, in my bedroom, in my car, and in my locker at work, and..................................I HAD PERMISSION TO DRINK AT HOME AND HAD FREE ACCESS TO THE LIQUOR CABINET.

It took me several years into sobriety to realize the only one I was hiding it from was ME. That is called denile, and it ain't a river in Egypt, rofl.

How long it has been going on, who knows and how did you not see it is really quite simple. We alkies are very good at hiding our alcoholism for quite a while, many times years and years until the gradual decline becomes so startling that our loved ones see it, even though WE STILL DO NOT.

We are great manipulators and con artists, you know, the type that can sell refrigerators to Eskimos.

However, all the above being said, those of us that reach our 'bottom' and become totally sick and tired of being sick and tired can and do recover. I am proof of that, with over 26+ year sober and clean and my dear friend will soon be celebrating 36 years.

So you see it is possible if WE WANT IT. For you might I suggest some Alanon meetings which will help you immensely to: set and stick to your personal boundaries, come to realize, you

didn't CAUSE it,

can't CONTROL it, and

can't CURE it.

The three C's.

Also, please come here and continue to share, rant, rave, scream, laugh, ask questions, we do care deeply and many of us have been where you are now.

Love and hugs,