Blues2

hi...

my a husband was supposed to call his insurance yesterday to be re-evaluated by the case manager. This needs to happen in order for him to receive individual counseling. He did not do it yesterday. He did not do it today... I am pissed off...

I called his parents yesterday to let them know exactly where he is. They live in another state and because they are not here it is not "real" to them.
My mil called him last night and spoke for a long time to him about how he is tearing me apart and what about the kids. He has not drank in 4 days. I do not want to pressure him to call the insurance but I need to see him working on his addiction.

I have been reading a lot of the posts and the stickies.. thanks for telling me about them. It just seems that most spouses ask the a to leave or that divorce is the final straw. I believe in him , i believe that ah can get this under control.. maybe I am fooling myself but I thought I married him for better or worse. This is not so bad. I know that the disease is progressive and that it can get worse for us.. but I want to support his decisions.. I know I play the martyr role with everyone in our family.. it all ends up on me.

I guess I just want some reassurance that since this is the first time that he fell of the wagon that staying is ok. I tried talking to him about the possibility of leaving. I felt like it was saying no drinking and if you do you leave.. I hate that. that has never been our relationship or what we are about.

I am rambling... just needed a place to dump it all today..

rawr_x

i dont know what to say other than go ahead and let your feelings out, it helps a lot

Barbara52

What are the consequences if he doesn't contact the insurance company and get this taken care of?

He's an adult. He is capable of doing this. He should bear the consequences (whatever they are) if he does not do what needs to be done.

denny57

It seems his decision right now is to not call the insurance company. As long as you're ok with supporting that. I know how hard it can be for others to not do what I expect of them. Letting go of expectations set me free.

Janitw

Hunny no one can tell you which way to go - this has to come from you and you alone because when its all said and done YOU have to be the one to handle that decision. Yes you marriage vows say in sickness and in health but we all have a duty to keep ourselves healthy in mind and body so that the other spouse will have a nice long life with each other and I don't know about you but when I said the words " I do " - I did not mean that I would " do it all " . Not all of us have left our spouses sweetie...for example mine left me and the kids....every situation is different in some areas but the same in others.....but it does all end the same...unless they embrace sobriety. I hope this will be the case for you...have you tried alanon yet?

FYI - click on any of our names to read our histories okay....you will see how many of us found recovery through the experiences and advice of others right here at SR.

Remember the 3 C's:

You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it

Take Care of YOU today

Janitw

Blues2

Thank you! There are no consequences for him. He just does not get the additional individual counseling that he says he wants. I read a post this am that an ah killed himself. I am so upset about that. I know that alcoholism is progressive. I am being totally honest that I am scared of what if it gets worse. It is so tolerable now. I know that sounds crazy but I know from reading it can get worse.. the blame and the hurtful words and the not speaking. We do not have that. His drinking is done at night alone and off to work he goes. He is a functioning a and I know that is crap. I know that I can not make him see that this can get way worse... I know that I can not do anything for him and I can only do what I need to do for me and the kids.
I am still scared to go to a meeting. I am not sure why. this is a huge help for me right now. I know where a meeting is and the time... I am just nervous about taking the step.. why... I guess that who will see me there.. that this is private and I do not want to share it with others.. it hurts too much.
thanks for listening

Barbara52

If there are no consequences for you, let him deal with it all. He is eitehr going to get serious about recovery or not. You can't change it one way or the other. Nagging is a form of enabling too.

Meeting are anonymous too. I understand hesitating to go. I guess I viewed it as another step in admitting there really was a big problem in my life. But ignoring the lephant in the room doesn't help.

denny57

I was scared, too. Part of it was in knowing on some level that it meant I was acknowledging a problem that I had to do something about. It was much more comfortable for me in denial, where I could continue to hope, as I did for years, that things would just get better. They didn't, they got worse, and I accept part of the responsibility for that. I pretended nothing was wrong, so the alcoholic did, too.

((()))

tryingtoheal

i had THE hardest time going myself. so i asked a reluctant friend to go with me. she did and guess what? it helped her, too. it was amazing! this affects A LOT of people. no one is going to snitch that they saw you there...in fact, they will reach out and embrace you! my friend found the strength to go to her pastor and he reached out to her depressed ah. they are fine now! as for me...still trying to recover, but time heals all wounds. sucks to hear that, i know. but surly you wouldn't be so empathetic at this stage in your life if you hadn't been through some previous he11 in your life...right? you can do it. i am as introverted as they come, but YOU can do it! like nike says, JUST DO IT!! it's for you...you deserve it, love!! best!

dakota69

My AH is also a functioning A. A very high functioning A is what I thought. He's never been mean to me, he's never raised a finger to me. Never called me any bad names. He was also supposed to go for some individual counselling. He didn't. That showed me how much he wanted to do for our relationship. Or rather, what he WASN'T willing to do for our relationship and our marriage. He made that decision all on his own. And it hurt. That one probably hurt MORE than the hurt I felt each time I heard that beer can open. And hurt about the same as each time I found a new 'hidden stash'.
I decided to leave. That was my decision and mine alone. He still doesn't get it. He is still drinking and still doesn't understand why I left. He is hurt. He is sad. And that's so hard for me.
But I don't want to be around in 5 or 10 years when he spirals out of control. I don't want to ride that rollercoaster.
So I left 6 weeks ago. And it's SOOOOO hard. It hurts every day. Some worse than others.
But now when I look from the outside in I can see SO many aspects of our marriage and relationship that are not want I want in my life. And wether it was caused by the alcohol or not, he wasn't willing to do the work. He didn't want to acknowledge or recognize the problems. And that's his decision. I have to remind myself of that.
So...I am gone. And for the most part it gets a little easier each day. I have some bad ones where I feel like I'm moving backwards, but for the most part, I'm moving forward.
I have also not been to Al-anon. Scared as well. I'm not even really sure what I'm scared of I guess. Not really about who sees me there...I don't know really. But I think that's some of my own crap that I need to deal with. And I"m working at it.
The one thing I have learned so far is that you are not responsible for his decisions and actions (or non-actions). Those are his, he owns them.
All you can do is own your own actions and decisions.
I wish you the best. It's a tough road either way.
Keep posting here. It has helped me tremendously.

Dakota

Lilyflower

Hi Blues,

I still live with my functioning/slipping into not functioning abf. I would never leave him because of his problem. I have said since I came here that I would not do that because I believe it is a disease and I cannot lay the blame completely at my bf because he cannot simply 'decide not to drink anymore'.

As time has passed, and I have begun to heal myself and become stronger I have decided that I would end our relationship for other reasons. Such as, his emotionally and verbally abusiveness, lack of financial support to our home. Basically the things my daughter and I need to be secure in the relationship with him. I will stay with him while he works his programme, I will stay with him when he slips up, however I will no longer put my emotional and financial security on the line for him. He knows this now.

Whether you stay or leave your ah is YOUR decision and no one elses. Us lot will be here to support you through what comes along, we won't try to bend your thinking to what we would do. We can only tell you about what we have tried, and whether it worked for us. No two situations are the same and therefore there is never one set way of working through a situation.

Do what you feel is right for you. Take each day at a time, if today you feel you can stay, then thats cool! If tomorrow/next month/next year you decide you cannot, we'll all be here for you

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxx