GoodKarma

I was told by a lady at Al-anon that addicts are told not to start new relationships right after they just get out of rehab. However, the lady that told me this didn't tell me why. Just that the addict is supposed to be working on their recovery.

Well last night on TV, I heard a guy that is in charge of a rehab facility talking about Lindsay Lohan being in a relationship with someone she met in rehab, and that people just out of rehab should not start new relationships because the addict switches their addiction from the drug to the relationship instead of working on their recovery or something like that.

Does anyone know what he is talking about? I don't quite understand what he was saying.

Jwife22

I've always thought it was because the addict needs to put 100% into their recovery. Recovery is not an easy thing.

Relationships are DEFINATELY not easy things, even for us regular joes who don't have drug addictions. I don't know if I could imagine the stress of trying not to use tied in with the stress of a relationship and I have to say, when my RAH got clean, he was a GROUCH for the first little while he was fighting the really really strong cravings...that could put a strain on any relationship.

Just my opinion....

nytepassion

When we first get into recovery we're not just riding an emotional roller-coaster; we're riding it without a safety belt. In my own experience, I've found that recovery, especially in the very beginning is, well, it's painful. I've come to understand that I don't like to feel pain. Because recovery means staying away from the substances that change the way I think and feel, when that pain is there, I'm stuck with it. What used to be a good excuse to numb out, now must be tolerated without the numbing effect.

So, what's the next best thing to numbing out? Finding a new love to completely focus on will have a similar effect. Yeah, you may be staying away from drugs and alcohol but you are not working on the issues that put you there, because they feel too painful, so you avoid them by staying busy with a new person.

The very nature of a relationship gets us to stop focusing on ourselves and spend time getting to know the new person. A new relationship is supposed to be that way, because relationships are supposed to be about sharing your experiences with one another, learning what makes that person tick and anything else that will endorse the reasons you were attracted to the person in the first place. There is no place for that kind of commitment in early sobriety because we are just learning who we are without the effects of drugs and alcohol and it is not a time to get to know someone else, it is the time to get to know yourself.

I don't think there should be a time-limit on when you "can" start to date in recovery but I think it is imperative to have a sponsor who is objective (and more knowledgeable about the beauty of sobriety) to help keep the focus where it needs to be and to keep us moving forward in sobriety not coming to a dead stop, or worse, ending up moving backward.

If you are new in sobriety, do YOURSELF a huge favor and stay out of a relationship for a while, I promise you won't die if you do! Now that you're living your life clean and sober don't you deserve the best relationship and the best life has to offer? Then get to know yourself, enjoy physical sobriety, stay involved at meetings, talk with a sponsor and allow yourself the time to become the best person you can be - and then wait for the miracle to happen; and happen, it will. Trust me.

By JD Henry.
Helium.com

calabash

Most of us addict hate ourselves when in active addiction. This leaves little space to love someone else. I was filled with self loathing, and it was indeed painfull to confront my life without the option of oblivion. I was married burt seperated. My sponsor advised me not to move back home too quickly, even though my wife and I reconciled. I followed this advise. I stayed on my own for a few more monthjs, doing as many meetings as poissible,step work, crying, making new friends - falling in love with myself. Wehn I moved home I was able to start making amends and sharing my love.

lightseeker

when recovery is new you are beginning a journey to discover the "you" that exists without the use of all of the substances (internal and external) that allow you to "cope" with the ups and downs of life. Instead of those substances mediating your emotions you have to develop coping skills that do that instead. It takes a long while to integrate that.

New love (or infatuation) sets off a whole new round of neurochemicals to deal with. The brain of someone that stops using is healing for at least 18-24 months....new neurochemicals hitting the brain only upset the equilibrium. Let alone the ups and downs of a relationship - possible rejection can bring up all kinds of difficult emotions that lead to a relapse. Also, if you are around someone that does not have an addiction just their normal activities/places they go can trigger someone in early recovery.

The number one reason that you don't choose someone to be in a relationship with in early recovery is because you might make choices under one set of circumstances and grow into new ones. As you grow and change the qualities that are important to you change.

I know the pain of making a relationship choice in active addiction and early recovery. The woman that I am today would never have made those choices that I did then. Now I am having to deal with the repercussions of those choices rather than being free to make healthy relationship choices that enhance my well being. I chose someone that decided that recovery just isn't his "gig". I live with an abstinent drug addict. Trust me - it's not a lot of fun.

Donna