Back to square one
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 17
Back to square one
A few weeks ago I posted about how my addict son wants to move back home after he gets out of prison in May, and my wife wants to let him do it ("just until he gets back on his feet," etc.). Because of all the support I got here I was able to stand up to her and say NO, he is not moving back in, no way no how ... and she accepted that.
Well, we were talking about it again a few days ago, and ... guess what? Now she's the one standing up to me. She put her chin in the air, got very defiant, and told me that the AS is going to move back in, and if I don't like it, I can leave. She says it's "un-Christian" to ban him from our house and let him fend for himself.
Personally, I wouldn't call her attitude "Christian" (I think it's another C word, codependency) but it doesn't seem to matter because she won't budge. So I'm back to where I started. I guess I need to start researching housing for myself, and look into legal separation.
Sigh. And I thought I had actually made some progress ... I should have known better.
Well, we were talking about it again a few days ago, and ... guess what? Now she's the one standing up to me. She put her chin in the air, got very defiant, and told me that the AS is going to move back in, and if I don't like it, I can leave. She says it's "un-Christian" to ban him from our house and let him fend for himself.
Personally, I wouldn't call her attitude "Christian" (I think it's another C word, codependency) but it doesn't seem to matter because she won't budge. So I'm back to where I started. I guess I need to start researching housing for myself, and look into legal separation.
Sigh. And I thought I had actually made some progress ... I should have known better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by holdingouthope 
Sounds to me like you HAVE made some progress. You have set your boundaries and recognized codependent behaviors. Good for you. I wish I was that strong!
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by amnesia57
So I'm back to where I started. I guess I need to start researching housing for myself, and look into legal separation.
Sigh. And I thought I had actually made some progress ... I should have known better.(
Sigh. And I thought I had actually made some progress ... I should have known better.(
Just because your wife took a stand against your stand .. doesn't mean you have lost everything and now your back at square one at all ...
Your wife might have to experience some more hard knocks from your AS before she is able to be as strong as you. In the end I'm sure she will understand why you felt the way you did and what made you come to the decision you made. Until then .. I say If you were firm on your belief and your boundaries don't back down - stand your ground and do whatcha gotta do for you. Your wife is the lioness protecting the cub ... she has deemed your decision as not being very Christian like .. yet would kicking your spouse out be considered as Christian? I don't think it truly about what is Christian or not, but like you said it is another "C word" Codependency .. She hasn't arrived at the destination you have ... and that makes it close to impossible for the both of you to agree on the same level. My prayer is that before your AS gets out and home that maybe you and your wife can come to a mutual agreement that works for both of you.
******{Hugs}}}}
Passion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: SC
Posts: 1,027
((((amnesia)))) Its always when my boundaries are broken or are close to being broken that I felt trapped. I didn't know what to do or where to turn most of the time.
Its a tough time. I had to figure out what would work for me and do what I needed to do to protect myself. I think we all have to do that.
I hope you and your wife come to some sort of agreement. ((((amnesia))))
Its a tough time. I had to figure out what would work for me and do what I needed to do to protect myself. I think we all have to do that.
I hope you and your wife come to some sort of agreement. ((((amnesia))))
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I don't see this as back to square one. You should be proud of all the steps you've taken.
I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I have been split from my ex hub for five years now. Looking back I honestly beleive that had I had the courage to stand up (for different reasons than you have) and draw the lines where they needed to be drawn, we may be still together to this day.
But I didn't. Instead I let the circumstances beat me down until there was no returning to a healthy relationship.
Separating doesn't have to mean forever. And I do believe that staying together in an unhealthy relationship can often cause greater harm.
I wish you the best
((((Hugs))))
Cece
I'm not sure if this helps or not, but I have been split from my ex hub for five years now. Looking back I honestly beleive that had I had the courage to stand up (for different reasons than you have) and draw the lines where they needed to be drawn, we may be still together to this day.
But I didn't. Instead I let the circumstances beat me down until there was no returning to a healthy relationship.
Separating doesn't have to mean forever. And I do believe that staying together in an unhealthy relationship can often cause greater harm.
I wish you the best
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Berea, Kentucky
Posts: 9
Hi Amnesia....
I can relate. The addict in my life is my 22-year-old stepdaughter. My partner (her mom) wants her to live with us, even though the consequences to the peace of our house are severe. After five years of living with us in active addiction, Mom has told her that she has 7 days to find treatment or move out. If follow-through doesn't happen, I will be facing the same choice you are facing.
Here is my compass with this. Resentment is toxic to myself, and it's toxic to my relationships. If I can set boundaries and stay in the situation without resentment (as I've been doing), that's healthy for me. If I feel resentment breeding inside of me, it's time for me to get strong and brave enough to make a change - for MY own good. That's where I am right now. My resentment is stronger than my ability to manage it, so if the "moving out" plan doesn't happen this weekend, I know that it will be up to me to take care of myself.
Take care of yourself. In my experience, my relationships don't stand a chance if I'm not doing my work to be my healthiest possible self. What the other person chooses to do or not do is none of my business. My health, joy and calmness is my business, and I'm starting to trust myself to be in charge of these things!
Blessings and prayers to you......
I can relate. The addict in my life is my 22-year-old stepdaughter. My partner (her mom) wants her to live with us, even though the consequences to the peace of our house are severe. After five years of living with us in active addiction, Mom has told her that she has 7 days to find treatment or move out. If follow-through doesn't happen, I will be facing the same choice you are facing.
Here is my compass with this. Resentment is toxic to myself, and it's toxic to my relationships. If I can set boundaries and stay in the situation without resentment (as I've been doing), that's healthy for me. If I feel resentment breeding inside of me, it's time for me to get strong and brave enough to make a change - for MY own good. That's where I am right now. My resentment is stronger than my ability to manage it, so if the "moving out" plan doesn't happen this weekend, I know that it will be up to me to take care of myself.
Take care of yourself. In my experience, my relationships don't stand a chance if I'm not doing my work to be my healthiest possible self. What the other person chooses to do or not do is none of my business. My health, joy and calmness is my business, and I'm starting to trust myself to be in charge of these things!
Blessings and prayers to you......
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
amnesia57
Funny story, well...not sure if it's really FUNNY...but here goes...
My mother was a big codependent of my brother, and every time he ended up homeless, she would let him move back in, same old routine over and over, UNTIL....
One day my father said No, no way, absolutely not, it's me OR him, and my mother STILL insisted he move home.
So..my father packed a bag, and moved to a hotel. She called me and had me running all over the place trying to find where my father was to beg him to come home. He came home after 3 days on his own. (I never found him...the codependent that I am, I sure looked hard)
It sort of put her priorities in order.
I'm not saying this is a good idea, but it sure worked for my dad.
(and by the way, he was very sympathetic to my brothers plight, just didn't want him home)
Communication is the answer along with meetings. Will she go to meetings at all?
Will she come here, just to read, perhaps?
It took me a long time to detach from my sons, because, like her, I always kind of felt sorry for them.
Then when I arrived at Sober Recovery,, the big Kahuna here, told me I could actually love my sons to their deaths...and it was so true.
It took me a long time to have faith that my sons H.P. would lead them to where he wanted them. When I finally detached, things started turning around for the better, believe it or not.
Hugs,
Funny story, well...not sure if it's really FUNNY...but here goes...
My mother was a big codependent of my brother, and every time he ended up homeless, she would let him move back in, same old routine over and over, UNTIL....
One day my father said No, no way, absolutely not, it's me OR him, and my mother STILL insisted he move home.
So..my father packed a bag, and moved to a hotel. She called me and had me running all over the place trying to find where my father was to beg him to come home. He came home after 3 days on his own. (I never found him...the codependent that I am, I sure looked hard)
It sort of put her priorities in order.
I'm not saying this is a good idea, but it sure worked for my dad.
(and by the way, he was very sympathetic to my brothers plight, just didn't want him home)
Communication is the answer along with meetings. Will she go to meetings at all?
Will she come here, just to read, perhaps?
It took me a long time to detach from my sons, because, like her, I always kind of felt sorry for them.
Then when I arrived at Sober Recovery,, the big Kahuna here, told me I could actually love my sons to their deaths...and it was so true.
It took me a long time to have faith that my sons H.P. would lead them to where he wanted them. When I finally detached, things started turning around for the better, believe it or not.
Hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Little Rock, AR
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by nytepassion
Your wife is the lioness protecting the cub ... she has deemed your decision as not being very Christian like .. yet would kicking your spouse out be considered as Christian?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Can she put her energy into finding him halfway house ?
That would be a shame to let a son break apart the marriage.
Can the two of you get marriage counseling right away?
Is there any ground for compromise?
That would be a shame to let a son break apart the marriage.
Can the two of you get marriage counseling right away?
Is there any ground for compromise?
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Moms and Dads are wired different. Mother's turn into mother bears when our child is hurt, even if its self inflicted. Tearing free is hard and painful. Being pushed into it makes it as worse for us as it is pushing the addict. does that make sense?
I was right where you wife is for about three years. I would battle with my husband, my sons step-dad, about what I was or wasn't doing . i hid the things I did do for my son etc. i loved them both deeply and the pain i felt being torn between both was so difficult. I resented my husbands actions and words. now i can see that my husband's goal wasn't to make me feel judged but I felt that way. Now i know he was just very scared and frustrated.
Its sad looking back to know we should of been supporting each others pain even if we differed on what to do .there could have been more respect and compassion from both of us. If your marriage is good besides this issue of your son then give her this web-site, encourage her to go to meetings. and let her figure it out on her own just like your son. You need to let go of her and her choices as much as you need to let go of your sons. even if that means she wants him back. If hes using and screws up she'll get it. maybe not as quickly as you would like. but she'll blame you less. .
I let my son come back two times against my husbands desire. But i had to see things for myself. I wasn't ready. We had limits and boundaries, which my son crossed so he was out again, i eventually learned that I was making it worse. but some of the damage on the marriage was still there. We are separated and both are miserable but it would be a long road back for both of us. don't wish that on anyone
Addiction is a family decease. It can have the power to destroy any in its path. every member suffers differently and reacts differently.
Probably sticking my nose where it doesn't belong but your story rang so true to me.
It took me a while to get as strong as I am now and i have miles to go still, but its been good for me believe it or not
Prayers for you both.
Cathy
I was right where you wife is for about three years. I would battle with my husband, my sons step-dad, about what I was or wasn't doing . i hid the things I did do for my son etc. i loved them both deeply and the pain i felt being torn between both was so difficult. I resented my husbands actions and words. now i can see that my husband's goal wasn't to make me feel judged but I felt that way. Now i know he was just very scared and frustrated.
Its sad looking back to know we should of been supporting each others pain even if we differed on what to do .there could have been more respect and compassion from both of us. If your marriage is good besides this issue of your son then give her this web-site, encourage her to go to meetings. and let her figure it out on her own just like your son. You need to let go of her and her choices as much as you need to let go of your sons. even if that means she wants him back. If hes using and screws up she'll get it. maybe not as quickly as you would like. but she'll blame you less. .
I let my son come back two times against my husbands desire. But i had to see things for myself. I wasn't ready. We had limits and boundaries, which my son crossed so he was out again, i eventually learned that I was making it worse. but some of the damage on the marriage was still there. We are separated and both are miserable but it would be a long road back for both of us. don't wish that on anyone
Addiction is a family decease. It can have the power to destroy any in its path. every member suffers differently and reacts differently.
Probably sticking my nose where it doesn't belong but your story rang so true to me.
It took me a while to get as strong as I am now and i have miles to go still, but its been good for me believe it or not
Prayers for you both.
Cathy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
You are not back where you started, she never got started! It is hell on everyone. The more she does the same thing over expecting different results (definition of insanity!), the more nothing will change!
You are in my prayers,:praying
susan
You are in my prayers,:praying
susan
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