didn't do very good last night-hope to do better tonight

Old 11-14-2007, 07:24 AM
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didn't do very good last night-hope to do better tonight

why do i keep trying to reach someone that is unreachable?

i've been staying at my friends, but have not been able to hold to NO CONTACT, like i have wanted to. i could think of ALL kinds of excuses like....i never really explained to ah what i was doing or made clear what i want. humm, hello, haven't i tried to do this with him a million times already? isn't it already clear to him? or the excuse that i have to get something or i miss my cats -lol.

so, last night i went home to get something and could have very well gotten what i needed and walked right back out the door without speaking to ah, but, of course, i had to engage him. i wanted him to know that i knew that he had lied to me the night before and that this too was unacceptable behavior to me. well, he ended up telling me that he was going to fix up the kitchen right after thanksgiving and call the realtor to put the house up for sale. i told him that i had hoped he would make another decision. i also told him that i really needed to know that everything i have done has been out of love and because i want something better for himself and me. of course, this hurt, and sent me into a tailspin. he turned his back on me.

so, i left and went back to my friends house where i have been staying, and then proceeded to call him crying telling him that i really needed to talk to him! of course, he never answered the phone. so, i get dressed and go to the house to find him laying in bed. as soon as he saw me, he said no talking, it is bed time that he was not going to let me upset him at bedtime.... i said how am i supposed to talk to you when you keep pushing me away.

help!!! what is wrong with me? advice. i think i am acting out of fear now. fear that i made the wrong decision about going to my friends and no contact and setting boundaries....because i see him going completely the other way and i am not getting the results i thought i would. deep down i know that i cannot control things and that backing down now is not going to do me one bit of good, if fact, it will cause more harm. i think i need reminded that what he is doing is wrong for me and that i am not being unreasonable and that it is not wrong for me to not be intimate with him or withhold affection because he is all about blaming me and it being my fault now.

i just need to stay strong. no contact at all is better right now right??????????? then there's the other part of me that says that if i just give in things might get better????????????????????? what is this that i am going through.
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Old 11-14-2007, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
i think i need reminded that what he is doing is wrong for me
IMO, it isn't what he is doing that is wrong for you. I finally realized I was treating myself worse than AH ever could.
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Old 11-14-2007, 07:37 AM
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(((hopeangel))) Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. We are conditioned when living with an A to do exactly what you are doing now. Be strong, stick to your boundaries, he knows exactly how to play you, most A's do. You'll be fine, you'll see. Terri
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Old 11-14-2007, 08:16 AM
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"IMO, it isn't what he is doing that is wrong for you. I finally realized I was treating myself worse than AH ever could." yep, denny, it was totally me last night and doing it to MYSELF. i could have very easy just settled last night at my friends house and enjoyed being by myself, but i asked for more hurt all along knowing exactly what i was doing.

i think self doubt and guilt are playing a big part in it too. part of me is actually believing that i am at fault for not being intimate or not trying or fighting enough for our marriage or whatever... with him because this is what he is telling me. he thinks that i am doing it out of anger and trying to control him. i can't get him to understand that it is a boundary that i need for myself. i refuse to let our relationship come down to the little "business arrangement" he is trying to make with me regarding the car settlement. he thinks that it is perfectly justified.

he doesn't respect me and never will if i give in.

thank queen for your kind words and helping me to feel like i am not the crazy one (even if i was last night) lol.
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Old 11-14-2007, 08:28 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeangel View Post
because i see him going completely the other way and i am not getting the results i thought i would.
Maybe there is a little truth in the idea that you are still trying to control him? Only you know the answer to that.

L
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Old 11-14-2007, 08:42 AM
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lateeda, for me i think it is more that i have always had the hope that he would do what i need him to do to save this marriage even though i have known that he might not. i know i can't expect that, but deep down i probably do. i think for me the real issue is that i have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he just might not love me or himself enough to do this. i know that with addiction you can't take that personally,but it is really hard not to.
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Old 11-14-2007, 09:14 AM
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:praying :praying :praying Dear HA, you and AH are with out a doubt in a power struggle, this check is keeping you 2 in contact with each other. simply take the check to your lawyer, have him send it to ah's lawyer, AH will go in & sign the check, which will be sent back to you.
Or go over with a sherriff & have him sign it. THEN TAKE YOUR BOUNDARIES BACK TO YOUR FREINDS HOUSE & STAY. This is a time for tough love, if AH is still useing & wants to talk meet him at your meeting or club, and talk after the meeting, that both of you attend. Strongly suggest counseling, or treatment and stick to it. then you do meetings meetings meetings, this is where your strength lies. hang in there kiddo.

Last edited by geees poncho; 11-14-2007 at 09:20 AM. Reason: misspelling
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Old 11-14-2007, 09:26 AM
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thank you gees. i really needed to hear your words. you are right. it is a power struggle. you give me strength. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

side note to the atty. part. i called the atty. on last monday and he told me he would send ah a letter. nothing...i call back and talk to the girl that has been handling my case on friday and she said the atty. never mentioned it to her. she was not aware that she needed to send him a letter. she said she would be in the office on saturday and he would dictate it to her. so, i am waiting. i figure veterans day monday. tues. this is weds, surely he should get it today. if not, i will be on the phone again. i think it is terrible that ah can have this much control and power over the money and keep me from getting it.
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Old 11-14-2007, 09:51 AM
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How much is your attorney charging you for forgetting things and having you call back to remind him?
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Old 11-14-2007, 10:13 AM
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You have no idea how much you have helped me, I'm going thru pretty much the same thing, except i'm a he & shes a she. i've got 22 yrs. in sobriety, shes got 11 yrs.??? So this stuff happens to everybody. some times its better to love from a distance. so when the s--t starts to fly your out of the way.
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Old 11-14-2007, 10:36 AM
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Serenity

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 11-14-2007, 10:46 AM
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HopeAngel, and the others, you have once again reminded me that I still have power struggles in my mind with the XABF. I hate to lose, and for whatever reason, I feel like I have lost "the game." Now, this game was not worth fighting, it is not one that I can win, and I do NOT like game-playing situations! In the past I have always walked away from them! So why, when my XABF told me "you are a checkers player, and I am a chess player" pretty much announcing that he was playing a game with me ... why did I sit at the chess board and start playing a game that I hate?! Talk about DUMB!!!!
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Old 11-14-2007, 11:15 AM
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denny, my attorney is being paid A LOT of money. if fact, glup, he is taking home just about the same amount i am once the medical bills are taken out of my half. him and i went around about that the other day. i told him i didn't think it was right that he was walking away with as much money as i will from this, grrr things keep going the way they are and HE will make more money than me on this.

i only went to him because ah's band mate works for him and he is suppose to be the best. i could have had an atty. at my job do it and probably ended up with more money and she would have done it for next to nothing you live and learn i guess.

gees, i'm humbled to think that i could help you. sorry that you are going through the same thing.

cbrown, i don't know how many times i have told ah THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION, but he doesn't get it and me, i'm trying, but i do need the reminders
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Old 11-14-2007, 11:21 AM
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At some point, how much of the insurance money are you getting and how much is your attorney getting; is it worth it to win the fight? I found once I let go of the power struggles things got calmer.
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Old 11-14-2007, 11:56 AM
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denny, at this point, i REALLY am stuck. this is why i am so upset. basically, the deal is i can't do a thing until ah signs the release for me to get the money. he has to sign a paper for the insurance company saying that he is not going to come back and go after more money or sue them. they require both signatures even though he had nothing to do with my accident. so the money just sits there. the girl handling my case said she has not seen anything like this and really didn't know what they could do. she said that ah was not going to get the money as my name is the ONLY one on the check, but yet he has to sign this paper? the atty. said he didn't know if he was the one to help me. i might need domestic relations. (oh and proceeded to tell me that maybe we should go to counseling (been there done that, thanks) and that it sounded like I had my hands full! how is he not the one to help me when he is the one holding the money? basically it is being held ransom! so, it looks like to me the only way for me to get my money is to have sex with ah or fight it out in court(dissolution or divorce) -which will most definitely cost more. this is definitley a bad law as it puts someone who is married at the complete mercy of their spouse. it is awful the position it puts people in. one person should not have this kind of power over another.

ah does not want a bit of the money. he states this over and over again. he just wants me to have sex with him. if fact, in his delusional state, the other night ah kept telling me to just give the money to charity and we could start over working on new goals for our marraige? that was the point i told him that i could not understand what he was saying and that it did not make sense to me and goodbye.
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Old 11-14-2007, 12:06 PM
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Stuck was what I thought I was, too. There are always other choices.

It sounds like a power struggle to me. I can choose to remove someone else's power over me. If I didn't need the money right this minute, I'd let it be. If there is a mediator for separation, have it signed then. Going to court? Have the judge order it.

I had to stop expecting AH to do what I wished he would.

Good luck with whatever avenue you choose.
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Old 11-14-2007, 12:49 PM
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There are always other choices.-please tell me what they are. just let the money set there??? just give it up even though i am entitled to it? cause the atty. doesn't seem to be able to tell me what my other choices or options are (i asked him). right now he is telling me i can do nothing until ah signs the paper.

I can choose to remove someone else's power over me. how do i do this? right now the atty. is telling me that he does have the power over me in this situation.

i'm telling you i just feel like giving up. i just called the girl handling my case and she hasn't sent the letter yet -still working on it. she said "no offense, but most people don't have these problems in there marriage" and "if we would have asked ah to sign the papers 8 months ago he probably wouldn't have made a stink about it"

so, once again (she didn't say this) in fact she said ah was being a .... and is he really going to do this to you after all you have been through???

but, i am left feeling like if i hadn't have set my boundaries and have just went along with ah and got along with him, keep my mouth shut, and did what he wants me to do...if i wan't unreasonable and a, umm,a witch, i wouldn't be in this position

and i really do need this money to get me out of the situation i am in.
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Old 11-14-2007, 12:59 PM
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Am I correct in assuming the attorney doesn't get paid until AH signs either? Any way you can just back off and wait it out until it becomes important to him? It sounds like the attorney, or secretary, is covertly blaming you for the problem. Can you get a different attorney? Or go to the bar association with a complaint about this one? I'm sure there are plenty of other things you could do, as well. But those are some that come to me.

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Old 11-14-2007, 01:06 PM
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thanks lateeda

it was my thought too that the atty. wouldn't get paid until i do. ah keeps telling me that the atty. doesn't care because he already got paid? i don't think so. let go and let god i guess.

problem is i am kinda blaming myself for this too feeling like i have been too tough and maybe i should have just went along with ah until this got resolved, which is what i was trying to do, but just couldn't.
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Old 11-14-2007, 01:26 PM
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Well, if it were me, I would do a little research and find out if the attorney got paid. That would explain the lackluster attitude. But, it also seems to me that the other party would want this settled ASAP, and so by not cashing the check, are you not accepting the settlement? Perhaps you have legal recourse to take them back to court and get his name off the settlement? Another thing to find out, IMO. Also, with all this research to do, you should be sufficiently occupied to keep your mind off trying to get AH to "see the light."

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