Anybody here? Need help!
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Anybody here? Need help!
Hey guys. Need help. AH called, says he need ride to rehab facility....he got fired from his job today and sounds bad....
I think I should take him....any suggestions on how to handle?
I think I should take him....any suggestions on how to handle?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
How long is the ride? If it's a long ride, there is always the possibility you will be subjected to verbal abuse the whole way. Does it disrupt your life? What about the little guy? It may likely be upsetting to him if he has to go. Is there someone else he could get a ride from? Can you take a little time to think through all the possible outcomes? I'm not saying don't drive him, I'm just saying don't wreck the peace you fought so hard for. If you can drive him and still keep your peace and serenity, then by all means, do it.
L
P.S. I smell manipulation. If he is serious about rehab, he will find a way to get there--on his own.
L
P.S. I smell manipulation. If he is serious about rehab, he will find a way to get there--on his own.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Keeping,
I'm sorry...once again it seems like you're the only human being on the planet with an automobile. Beware that this might be a trick to get you back where he can berate you nonstop for an hour or two. Happened to me. At that time, I was the only person in the whole world who could take him to the doctor (surprise! he found his way without me!)
Can you call him a taxi? A local shuttle? Doesn't he have family who can do this? Does the rehab center have any ideas?
WARNING TOO: Rehab centers often have long waiting times - days or weeks. That he thinks he is just going to go there and be able to waltz in the door is pretty fishy to me.
Please think this through carefully.
Hugs,
GL
I'm sorry...once again it seems like you're the only human being on the planet with an automobile. Beware that this might be a trick to get you back where he can berate you nonstop for an hour or two. Happened to me. At that time, I was the only person in the whole world who could take him to the doctor (surprise! he found his way without me!)
Can you call him a taxi? A local shuttle? Doesn't he have family who can do this? Does the rehab center have any ideas?
WARNING TOO: Rehab centers often have long waiting times - days or weeks. That he thinks he is just going to go there and be able to waltz in the door is pretty fishy to me.
Please think this through carefully.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
hey sweetie, i'm here, but no smart answers honey. i'm sorry. in times like that i pray to hp and ask for him to help me make the right decision. is there anyone else that can take him? a friend? family? anything. just looking at the options with you.
trust your heart, well, and head to do the right thing - i say that cause sometimes my heart can get me in trouble-lol.
seriously, if it were me i would first look at who else could take him or maybe someone that could ride with me to take him. above all else you need to be safe. i think if i felt it was safe i would make it a condition that it would be the only place i would take him with my ah.
i'm just thinking out loud cause only you know your situation. not much help, but i'm here.
trust your heart, well, and head to do the right thing - i say that cause sometimes my heart can get me in trouble-lol.
seriously, if it were me i would first look at who else could take him or maybe someone that could ride with me to take him. above all else you need to be safe. i think if i felt it was safe i would make it a condition that it would be the only place i would take him with my ah.
i'm just thinking out loud cause only you know your situation. not much help, but i'm here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: "Somewhere in Ohio" ... little joke from past
Posts: 481
If my XABF had not moved on to another victim, I would drive him to rehab. Hmm. If he STILL called and said he'd asked everyone and nobody would take him, I still would. I promised I would be there for him, and I still would. But take abuse? No way. I would have to be d*mn sure that I'm in a position emotionally not to get sucked into his life again. I think I'm at that point, but I've gotten sucked back in before. Of course, I didn't know even 1% of the crappy things he'd done in life to other. Still, I would be there for him as I would for anyone in need. But I'd be done with him once he got into professional care.
I don't think there are any easy answers on this one. You have to follow your heart and pray you can keep it intact.
I don't think there are any easy answers on this one. You have to follow your heart and pray you can keep it intact.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If you decide to take him, I wwould first confirm they are expecting him. I would also take a thrid party along to try and ensure its as calm as possible.
But do consider whether this is an attempt at manipulation, whether they might be reasons why he chose you to call rather tahn anyone else and what your motives would be to complly.
But do consider whether this is an attempt at manipulation, whether they might be reasons why he chose you to call rather tahn anyone else and what your motives would be to complly.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 225
Well, first of all, I think that it is awesome that he is headed to rehab. I pray that it is totally for real.
Can you find someone else to give him a ride? That seems like the best idea. Supportive, but completely uninvolved.
If y'all were in a different place, I might say something different. But you need to catch up on your sleep right now, for pete's sake!
Can you find someone else to give him a ride? That seems like the best idea. Supportive, but completely uninvolved.
If y'all were in a different place, I might say something different. But you need to catch up on your sleep right now, for pete's sake!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i've had this happen with xh about, let's see......ummmmm.......about 12 times maybe. everytime it was just horrible. he guzzled whiskey the whole time going to rehab, ranted and raved, peed in the parking garage, and was just a total jack-arse.
everytime, it was manipulation at it's best. or should i say worst.
the last time he asked me, i stopped and thought real hard......he made sure he had booze. he made sure he had cigarettes. he made sure he had his feel good meds. i figured he could make sure he could get a ride.
funny, how he could get anything else done that he really wanted, but when he was out of booze, money, and everything else, he would enter detox and then re-hab as some sort of ritual.
i refused to take him anymore. but i did offer to call the police to escort him. and they did, too.
as earthworm often says.......hooky, hooky, hooky.
jmo
everytime, it was manipulation at it's best. or should i say worst.
the last time he asked me, i stopped and thought real hard......he made sure he had booze. he made sure he had cigarettes. he made sure he had his feel good meds. i figured he could make sure he could get a ride.
funny, how he could get anything else done that he really wanted, but when he was out of booze, money, and everything else, he would enter detox and then re-hab as some sort of ritual.
i refused to take him anymore. but i did offer to call the police to escort him. and they did, too.
as earthworm often says.......hooky, hooky, hooky.
jmo
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
Hi all. I really thought hard about what I should do. I decided I would drive him so that I could confirm in person if it was a manipulation, or if he really was suicidal.
Yep, you were all right....fishy fishy fishy...it was manipulation.
I called the place he mentioned he wanted to go, they are a mental health facility, not A rehab. So, arrived at his house, he was asleep. He had suicide note next to him, pictures of his kids, and some phone number and note about who to call from work.
On the counter in the kitchen was a shot glass of Old English wood polish. So he gets up and says, "I want to live"!! Then wants to hug me and cry etc. I tell him, "lets get moving and get you there". I then tell him that we can't go where he wanted since they don't take A's, so going to hospital. He asked me how I knew this, and I said I called them to see if they were expecting you.
So after he cries some more and keeps telling me "he can't do this anymore", I finally get him in the car. He is not nasty or abusive, just cries. He threw in a few, "feel bad for me" comments, like "I have eaten since Wednesday, is that bad?"...I said, "what do you think?".
So we get to the hospital and he hugs me. Since I did not hug back he says"can you at least hug me like you mean it"! AND he starts giving me instructions! Telling me I will have to keep an eye on the house if he goes to rehab and "here's the number for the union rep to find out about how to get them to pay for this", and work is mailing his check and his check book is on the table.....
We get to the hospital and after waiting for awhile, they finally take him in for triage...he wants me to come in, they won't let me come in. Then he comes out, the woman says, we are taking him "over there" and points to somewhere...????. She says, you can't come there with the little guy. So they walk away and never come back. So I wait for 15 mins and ask this woman what was going to happen as I have little guy and he is hungry and is he staying overnight etc. She says she has no idea, he has not been seen and evaluated yet and has no answers and asked if he listed me as next of kin. Yes, I said. Well then, she said if you need to leave, they will call me if he is released, but that he will need to be released to someone. I told her I live 45 mins away and so not sure I can come back if released. So I left.
Little guy was upset just being in the waiting room. Thank goodness he was sleeping when we got to our old house, and he never knew we were even there. He was so happy to "go home" to our new house etc.
Wow, the emotions I have been through! Mostly anger. Worried that I would find him dead, anger that he still thinks I am just going to take over and manage him, guilt that I felt angry, and anger that I fell for the manipulation, anger that our son is crying to go home and here we are because of him(!), more anger when I realized that we were there because of ME!!!! But, I held my ground the best I could and told him while we were in the waiting room that he has to do this for him alone, not for me, our son, our marriage-just him. So he says, "great, I am going to go to rehab and come out of it divorced anyway." That told me that he is only doing this as a way to get us back. I feel so sad that no matter what I say, nothing gets through to him.
So...I guess you might say I got sucked in, but you know, I am still glad I took him. This way, I can know that I went with good motives, that I won't ever do it again, I will call 911. It helped me stay in reality to see how he still does not get it and has not heard anything I have said, probably not ever.
Thanks you all for your comments...feel free to tell me if you see codie behavior in all this, because, Gosh, I am trying hard to change! :codiepolice
Yep, you were all right....fishy fishy fishy...it was manipulation.
I called the place he mentioned he wanted to go, they are a mental health facility, not A rehab. So, arrived at his house, he was asleep. He had suicide note next to him, pictures of his kids, and some phone number and note about who to call from work.
On the counter in the kitchen was a shot glass of Old English wood polish. So he gets up and says, "I want to live"!! Then wants to hug me and cry etc. I tell him, "lets get moving and get you there". I then tell him that we can't go where he wanted since they don't take A's, so going to hospital. He asked me how I knew this, and I said I called them to see if they were expecting you.
So after he cries some more and keeps telling me "he can't do this anymore", I finally get him in the car. He is not nasty or abusive, just cries. He threw in a few, "feel bad for me" comments, like "I have eaten since Wednesday, is that bad?"...I said, "what do you think?".
So we get to the hospital and he hugs me. Since I did not hug back he says"can you at least hug me like you mean it"! AND he starts giving me instructions! Telling me I will have to keep an eye on the house if he goes to rehab and "here's the number for the union rep to find out about how to get them to pay for this", and work is mailing his check and his check book is on the table.....
We get to the hospital and after waiting for awhile, they finally take him in for triage...he wants me to come in, they won't let me come in. Then he comes out, the woman says, we are taking him "over there" and points to somewhere...????. She says, you can't come there with the little guy. So they walk away and never come back. So I wait for 15 mins and ask this woman what was going to happen as I have little guy and he is hungry and is he staying overnight etc. She says she has no idea, he has not been seen and evaluated yet and has no answers and asked if he listed me as next of kin. Yes, I said. Well then, she said if you need to leave, they will call me if he is released, but that he will need to be released to someone. I told her I live 45 mins away and so not sure I can come back if released. So I left.
Little guy was upset just being in the waiting room. Thank goodness he was sleeping when we got to our old house, and he never knew we were even there. He was so happy to "go home" to our new house etc.
Wow, the emotions I have been through! Mostly anger. Worried that I would find him dead, anger that he still thinks I am just going to take over and manage him, guilt that I felt angry, and anger that I fell for the manipulation, anger that our son is crying to go home and here we are because of him(!), more anger when I realized that we were there because of ME!!!! But, I held my ground the best I could and told him while we were in the waiting room that he has to do this for him alone, not for me, our son, our marriage-just him. So he says, "great, I am going to go to rehab and come out of it divorced anyway." That told me that he is only doing this as a way to get us back. I feel so sad that no matter what I say, nothing gets through to him.
So...I guess you might say I got sucked in, but you know, I am still glad I took him. This way, I can know that I went with good motives, that I won't ever do it again, I will call 911. It helped me stay in reality to see how he still does not get it and has not heard anything I have said, probably not ever.
Thanks you all for your comments...feel free to tell me if you see codie behavior in all this, because, Gosh, I am trying hard to change! :codiepolice
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
yikes - no good advice here. if my x called asking me to take him to rehab, i probably would - only you know what is right for you. tough one. thoughts and prayers are with you.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Keeping,
So good to hear from you. But so sorry that it turned out to be as fishy as we'd hoped it WOULDN'T be. Pure manipulation -- alcoholics are masters of manipulation. What theatrics! He should work on Broadway!
He had the whole scene set just for you...so you'd walk in and see what ol' horrible you had driven him to.
Like I said, I had similar things happen. Mine got "sick" (he wasn't), suicidal, panic attacks that -- magically! -- only I had the power to cure, blah blah blah. They are elaborate, well-thought-out efforts to prey on the emotions they know we still have. They know us best of all, y'know, and so they know where all our vulnerable spots are.
Or in your case, where they used to be. I'm glad you did this too. Let yourself feel what you feel, KMJ. These are all normal emotions. Just know, after you've let yourself go through the feelings, that you did what was right for you. There's a quote in a favorite book of mine that says, "We all do the best we can, with the light we have to see by at the time." Sounds like that's just what you did. Let it go, and get on with living.
I'm so glad you & lil' guy are "home" (that was so sweet) and that he's in a place where hopefully someone will put some sense in his head. But mostly just glad you're okay
Hugs to you & your brave little buddy there
GL
So good to hear from you. But so sorry that it turned out to be as fishy as we'd hoped it WOULDN'T be. Pure manipulation -- alcoholics are masters of manipulation. What theatrics! He should work on Broadway!
He had the whole scene set just for you...so you'd walk in and see what ol' horrible you had driven him to.Like I said, I had similar things happen. Mine got "sick" (he wasn't), suicidal, panic attacks that -- magically! -- only I had the power to cure, blah blah blah. They are elaborate, well-thought-out efforts to prey on the emotions they know we still have. They know us best of all, y'know, and so they know where all our vulnerable spots are.
Or in your case, where they used to be. I'm glad you did this too. Let yourself feel what you feel, KMJ. These are all normal emotions. Just know, after you've let yourself go through the feelings, that you did what was right for you. There's a quote in a favorite book of mine that says, "We all do the best we can, with the light we have to see by at the time." Sounds like that's just what you did. Let it go, and get on with living.
I'm so glad you & lil' guy are "home" (that was so sweet) and that he's in a place where hopefully someone will put some sense in his head. But mostly just glad you're okay
Hugs to you & your brave little buddy there
GL
Keepingmyjoy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 328
I called the hospital to see what was happening. I could not help myself. I just needed to know if they were going to keep him overnight. After getting switched 20 times, AH actually answered! I really did not want to talk to him, but he said that they are keeping him overnight and that he will probably have a full evaluation in the morning.
He said he figured I went home. I told him that I needed to take little guy home and that he was upset by the whole thing and that he does not need to see this. He then says that he signed a paper saying that all info about him could be discussed with me. UUGH. Still trying to hook me in.
I think this is crunch time....I gotta stand firm no matter how hard that he has to travel this road himself.
He said he figured I went home. I told him that I needed to take little guy home and that he was upset by the whole thing and that he does not need to see this. He then says that he signed a paper saying that all info about him could be discussed with me. UUGH. Still trying to hook me in.
I think this is crunch time....I gotta stand firm no matter how hard that he has to travel this road himself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
It sounds to me like you handled it pretty danged good, especially with the litle guy in tow.
What I would do would be to let your AH handle this on his own from this point on. He's where he can get help and he is capable of arranging whatever needs to be arranged for himself.
I would concentrate on myself and the little guy. You've gone thru a lot recently and your both deserve time to recover and relax.
What I would do would be to let your AH handle this on his own from this point on. He's where he can get help and he is capable of arranging whatever needs to be arranged for himself.
I would concentrate on myself and the little guy. You've gone thru a lot recently and your both deserve time to recover and relax.
Caring for the 3 little bears
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Oz
Posts: 509
Wow. you are so strong! it took courage to walk out of there! proud of you. I have been in a similar situation... if anyone finds themselves in this situation, take his suicide note with you and then they will definitely keep him at least overnight.
I argued with the police one night that he was suicidal (not that I really thought he would do it, but it was a way to get rid of him) and they would not take my word for it. So, they talked and talked and talked to this drunk man until he finally said, "just give me your sidearm so i can blow my head off" - then they had enough evidence that he was suicidal, so they took him to a hospital.
My AH, went to an ER many times over the years, two of the local hospitals had a rehab unit, so they admitted him and detoxed him and tried to get him to do the program. One time he went to an ER where they don't have a rehab unit and they sent him home. He was drunk out of his mind, and they sent him home, basically kicked him out. His vitals must have been okay that particular day.
On the other hand, I know a couple people, young alcoholics who DID commit suicide. I don't know that stats, but I have heard it is common with alcoholics.
They get so depressed, just like you described and I have witnessed hundreds of times, crying and poor poor me, it is so hard to know when to take them seriously or not.
Sorry, getting off subject here.
And yes, now would be the perfect time to let him handle all this on his own. He will figure it out!
So So So proud of you! Take care!
I argued with the police one night that he was suicidal (not that I really thought he would do it, but it was a way to get rid of him) and they would not take my word for it. So, they talked and talked and talked to this drunk man until he finally said, "just give me your sidearm so i can blow my head off" - then they had enough evidence that he was suicidal, so they took him to a hospital.
My AH, went to an ER many times over the years, two of the local hospitals had a rehab unit, so they admitted him and detoxed him and tried to get him to do the program. One time he went to an ER where they don't have a rehab unit and they sent him home. He was drunk out of his mind, and they sent him home, basically kicked him out. His vitals must have been okay that particular day.
On the other hand, I know a couple people, young alcoholics who DID commit suicide. I don't know that stats, but I have heard it is common with alcoholics.
They get so depressed, just like you described and I have witnessed hundreds of times, crying and poor poor me, it is so hard to know when to take them seriously or not.
Sorry, getting off subject here.
And yes, now would be the perfect time to let him handle all this on his own. He will figure it out!
So So So proud of you! Take care!
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