coffee and misery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: San Francisco CA
Posts: 18
coffee and misery
Hello all.
My xab called me early this morning to say he was walking by my house (his son's school is near by). I told him it was fine if he came up and we had a coffee and talked (his request).
I posted last on Nov.4 that he called off our 'sleeping' relationship the day after my birthday... Anyway I have been doing better than I thought I ever could. Surprisingly by Nov.5 my anxiety had subsided and I was sleeping better. (It's amazing what happens when you really start paying attention to your own body!)
So he comes up and doesn't really say much about anything other than he had a very bad asthma attack the evening after my birthday that scared him so much he has decided to stop smoking. I ask if he's drinking every day and he says he can't remember a time when he didn't, laughing as he saying it. I ask if there was anything about us he wanted to talk about and he says that if I'm fine with him, he's fine with me. Well, what can I say that hasn't already been said? He knows how I feel. As he continues to talk about his son, going to Europe for the holidays, and the state of his health, I sit quietly and wait for him to ask about me. Well aside form me telling him I'm doing well after he states he wanted to come by to see how I was -- nothing else. I do go on to talk about why I thought things got sticky with us in the last month. Basically owning up to my codependency issues and stating that there is still so much I need to learn. But unfortunately , and ironically, all that stuff only comes up when in a relationship. I really wanted to work on it, and he confessed when it got difficult, he wanted to bail, as usual. Recalling when his parents used to have knock- down, baseball bat smashing, horrendous fights. We laughed in agreement that we are in similar places...f**ked up! We both bring our childhood histories into it.
So I had been thinking maybe I should learn how to be this persons friend, after all that's something that should have happened before we slept together, right? He claims to enjoy my company. Sadly I believe he is incapable of being a friend in the truest way. When I really pay attention I can see he is truly incapable of having that with anybody. Not much reciprocity coming from him. It's not just me, in spite of how often I think it's all about me.
Needless to say, I care about this person very much and I hate to hear all of the self loathing coming out of his mouth and how I watch him squirm if I try to give him even the slightest of compliments. The co-de in me wants to grab him and give him the biggest hug and take away his pain. Which is exactly what keeps us apart; he can't accept my love.
It's painful for me to wake up to what our relationship is and let go of what I so badly wanted it to be. He cares about me -- as much as he is capable of. That's as good as it gets.
I need to take a step or two back today. I'm giving myself permission to do so. I'm so tired of crying over this. I so badly look forward to the day when I don't have to.
I just wanted to share, it doesn't happen often. Although, I 'm on here every day gaining strength and sending love and good wishes to all of you. Thanks for that.
robin
My xab called me early this morning to say he was walking by my house (his son's school is near by). I told him it was fine if he came up and we had a coffee and talked (his request).
I posted last on Nov.4 that he called off our 'sleeping' relationship the day after my birthday... Anyway I have been doing better than I thought I ever could. Surprisingly by Nov.5 my anxiety had subsided and I was sleeping better. (It's amazing what happens when you really start paying attention to your own body!)
So he comes up and doesn't really say much about anything other than he had a very bad asthma attack the evening after my birthday that scared him so much he has decided to stop smoking. I ask if he's drinking every day and he says he can't remember a time when he didn't, laughing as he saying it. I ask if there was anything about us he wanted to talk about and he says that if I'm fine with him, he's fine with me. Well, what can I say that hasn't already been said? He knows how I feel. As he continues to talk about his son, going to Europe for the holidays, and the state of his health, I sit quietly and wait for him to ask about me. Well aside form me telling him I'm doing well after he states he wanted to come by to see how I was -- nothing else. I do go on to talk about why I thought things got sticky with us in the last month. Basically owning up to my codependency issues and stating that there is still so much I need to learn. But unfortunately , and ironically, all that stuff only comes up when in a relationship. I really wanted to work on it, and he confessed when it got difficult, he wanted to bail, as usual. Recalling when his parents used to have knock- down, baseball bat smashing, horrendous fights. We laughed in agreement that we are in similar places...f**ked up! We both bring our childhood histories into it.
So I had been thinking maybe I should learn how to be this persons friend, after all that's something that should have happened before we slept together, right? He claims to enjoy my company. Sadly I believe he is incapable of being a friend in the truest way. When I really pay attention I can see he is truly incapable of having that with anybody. Not much reciprocity coming from him. It's not just me, in spite of how often I think it's all about me.
Needless to say, I care about this person very much and I hate to hear all of the self loathing coming out of his mouth and how I watch him squirm if I try to give him even the slightest of compliments. The co-de in me wants to grab him and give him the biggest hug and take away his pain. Which is exactly what keeps us apart; he can't accept my love.
It's painful for me to wake up to what our relationship is and let go of what I so badly wanted it to be. He cares about me -- as much as he is capable of. That's as good as it gets.
I need to take a step or two back today. I'm giving myself permission to do so. I'm so tired of crying over this. I so badly look forward to the day when I don't have to.
I just wanted to share, it doesn't happen often. Although, I 'm on here every day gaining strength and sending love and good wishes to all of you. Thanks for that.
robin
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Robin,
You're going to be alright. It's hard, isn't it? I hope he finds his way. He sounds like an okay person -- maybe not the person for you to wrap your life around, but certainly a person who one can wish to find health.
It's okay to care about people. That's what makes us human.
Just care about yourself more. Sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.
A big hug to YOU out there
GL
You're going to be alright. It's hard, isn't it? I hope he finds his way. He sounds like an okay person -- maybe not the person for you to wrap your life around, but certainly a person who one can wish to find health.
It's okay to care about people. That's what makes us human.
Just care about yourself more. Sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.
A big hug to YOU out there
GL
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
The contoinuing sorrow I feel when I think about my AH is because I do still care and wish he could see the reality of his life. It is a shame that he (and so many others) throw away so much because of the alcohol.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
