Well..Change of plans.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Well..Change of plans.
As you know. I was going to Florida. but I thought about it long and hard. Why would I go back to the place where I first started my self destuction?
Why? Because I felt my grams was getting sick of me. And I felt I was hurting her to the point where I needed to just leave so I would stop putting her through so much. I was leaving...Well actually running from myself and my problems. And I would have been running right back into a worse situation than I could ever be in here.
I can not live without my grams or be away from my family. I was going to stay down in Florida with a man I met in the streets many years ago. That is not what I want. I want to get better not worse.
You guys havent seen me in about a week because I relapsed once again and ended up in the hospital because I lost all hope.
My grams outright said to me last week she just wants to get rid of me.
That was like shoving a big huge knife right into my heart.
Do I blame her. Of course not. But she didnt mean it and she told me cried for 2 days after because she said that to me. That is my worst fear come true. I have never felt such worthlessness and despair in all my life. So went on a smoke spree and ended up in mental health again. Now I am going to do whatever it takes to kick this drug habit.
I have never felt ..I cant even put into words what it felt like to hear those words and feel the way I felt.
I am very fortunate to have her and my family after all I have done in my life.
I need to wake the hell up and do something about it before I really do end up with NOBODY.
I dont want that. Self destrucive easy way out trish is finished. it's time to to get to work and be the person I know I can be. The person I use to be.
I need to quit making myself out to be a victim and quit feeling sorry for myself and just stop period.
I cant say I am 100% ready. I am not going to lie now. But I am 95%. I am getting there. Slowly but sure.
I want to be clean. I really do. But that teeny tiny part of me still has love for the streets. But I am killing that part little by little everytime I mess up.
Well..Just wanted to check in. I know it isnt what you all expected to hear from me. But it is nothing more than the truth.
Thanks for being there and Thanks for reading.
Why? Because I felt my grams was getting sick of me. And I felt I was hurting her to the point where I needed to just leave so I would stop putting her through so much. I was leaving...Well actually running from myself and my problems. And I would have been running right back into a worse situation than I could ever be in here.
I can not live without my grams or be away from my family. I was going to stay down in Florida with a man I met in the streets many years ago. That is not what I want. I want to get better not worse.
You guys havent seen me in about a week because I relapsed once again and ended up in the hospital because I lost all hope.
My grams outright said to me last week she just wants to get rid of me.
That was like shoving a big huge knife right into my heart.
Do I blame her. Of course not. But she didnt mean it and she told me cried for 2 days after because she said that to me. That is my worst fear come true. I have never felt such worthlessness and despair in all my life. So went on a smoke spree and ended up in mental health again. Now I am going to do whatever it takes to kick this drug habit.
I have never felt ..I cant even put into words what it felt like to hear those words and feel the way I felt.
I am very fortunate to have her and my family after all I have done in my life.
I need to wake the hell up and do something about it before I really do end up with NOBODY.
I dont want that. Self destrucive easy way out trish is finished. it's time to to get to work and be the person I know I can be. The person I use to be.
I need to quit making myself out to be a victim and quit feeling sorry for myself and just stop period.
I cant say I am 100% ready. I am not going to lie now. But I am 95%. I am getting there. Slowly but sure.
I want to be clean. I really do. But that teeny tiny part of me still has love for the streets. But I am killing that part little by little everytime I mess up.
Well..Just wanted to check in. I know it isnt what you all expected to hear from me. But it is nothing more than the truth.
Thanks for being there and Thanks for reading.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
All I can say is time will tell.
I really hope I do.
I know I can do it if I really give it my all and do whatever it takes.
the question is. AM I REALLY REALLY READY AND WILLING?
I think I am. But I think I can doesnt cut it.
When i say I KNOW I CAN. I know I will be ready.
For now..Unfortunately...I am pretty sure I amready and am once again going to try again.
I guess thats all I can really do.
And I am checking into treatment Friday.
I really hope I do.
I know I can do it if I really give it my all and do whatever it takes.
the question is. AM I REALLY REALLY READY AND WILLING?
I think I am. But I think I can doesnt cut it.
When i say I KNOW I CAN. I know I will be ready.
For now..Unfortunately...I am pretty sure I amready and am once again going to try again.
I guess thats all I can really do.
And I am checking into treatment Friday.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,464
I hope the treatment goes well for you Chi and gives you the push you need.
In my opinion, you need at least 100% effort, and desire, in order to get and stay clean. It's hard and takes a lot of motivation.
In my opinion, you need at least 100% effort, and desire, in order to get and stay clean. It's hard and takes a lot of motivation.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: on the moon
Posts: 944
Hi Chynita!
I'm pleased to see you're back with us.
I feel for your grandmother. My grandparents are old and they've helped me allot over the years and just today I was thinking how unfair I've been to them and how unfair I'm still being to them because I'm sure all they want is to see me happy and often when I do see them I'm far from being happy. And I just don't think that's the right way for me to treat them. So that's just what was going through my mind today. I hope you're able to make your grandmother smile.
Have a nice evening.
I'm pleased to see you're back with us.
I feel for your grandmother. My grandparents are old and they've helped me allot over the years and just today I was thinking how unfair I've been to them and how unfair I'm still being to them because I'm sure all they want is to see me happy and often when I do see them I'm far from being happy. And I just don't think that's the right way for me to treat them. So that's just what was going through my mind today. I hope you're able to make your grandmother smile.
Have a nice evening.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MA.
Posts: 1,719
Chiy,
I don't know what to say anymore to you...
I can't save you, no one can...Only you can save yourself...You have got the amunition,(wisdom), to make an honest attempt at NOT using no matter what!!! You also have a lot of support from people here...
I am relieved that you keep COMING BACK, BUT I wonder are you really trying? Have you surrendered?
I don't mean to sound harsh...I am at a loss for words..
You have been a part of my recovery, but Chiy, I want you to get it right!!! Be a positive part of my recovery.. Everytime you go back out there I am reminded of where I was and I feel sad for you...
PLEASE, try harder.:comfort .
I don't know what to say anymore to you...
I can't save you, no one can...Only you can save yourself...You have got the amunition,(wisdom), to make an honest attempt at NOT using no matter what!!! You also have a lot of support from people here...
I am relieved that you keep COMING BACK, BUT I wonder are you really trying? Have you surrendered?
I don't mean to sound harsh...I am at a loss for words..
You have been a part of my recovery, but Chiy, I want you to get it right!!! Be a positive part of my recovery.. Everytime you go back out there I am reminded of where I was and I feel sad for you...
PLEASE, try harder.:comfort .
No more merlot, more mamma
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Hills, Ct
Posts: 2,139
Trish,
I do hope that you go to treatment. I don't want to log on here someday and hear that something has happened to you and that you are dead. Cause, honestly, its so very close.
Bfree has a post about surrendering...read it!
Karen
I do hope that you go to treatment. I don't want to log on here someday and hear that something has happened to you and that you are dead. Cause, honestly, its so very close.
Bfree has a post about surrendering...read it!
Karen
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I do..I need to fully just give in and surrender. I need to find God again.
Last night I had that spinning falling fast thing happen again when I close my eyes to go to sleep.
If you all remember what I am talking about. It is very scary and I hear voices just chattering real quietly when this happens. When I open my eyes it stops. But as soon as I close them again..It starts. I use to ride it out. But the last time it happened a few months ago. It felt like I was being shook and my bed was shaking violently. Usually it passes if I ride it out. LAst time it didnt. So I got so scared I wouldnt go to sleep. Last night I didnt even attempt to ride it out. It was so hard to keep my eyes open. It was like something was forcing me to close them. So I had to repeat to myself "I surround myself with the white light of the holy spirit. God please protect me. Jesus will protect me. Please help me Jesus." I repeated that until the feeling went away.
Sound psychotic?
It's been happening for alot of years. It doesnt happen often..but when it does it is so scary.
I wonder what that is. It sounds so crazy to me. But it happens and it use to happen almost every night when I lived in Florida and I was in the streets all the time.
Theres really not a whole lot anyone can say to me anymore. I have to do this and do it 100%.
I cant half step. This is my life.
And none of your responses were harsh. I need to hear the truth.
I need to "surrender". I really do.
It is so hard for me to do that.
I dont know why. I know I cant do it alone. But I keep thinking I can do it without program.
I know I cant but I am so dam hard headed. I want to kick my own ass.
Anyway. Thanks for responding.
I still love you all. And thanks for putting up with me.
Last night I had that spinning falling fast thing happen again when I close my eyes to go to sleep.
If you all remember what I am talking about. It is very scary and I hear voices just chattering real quietly when this happens. When I open my eyes it stops. But as soon as I close them again..It starts. I use to ride it out. But the last time it happened a few months ago. It felt like I was being shook and my bed was shaking violently. Usually it passes if I ride it out. LAst time it didnt. So I got so scared I wouldnt go to sleep. Last night I didnt even attempt to ride it out. It was so hard to keep my eyes open. It was like something was forcing me to close them. So I had to repeat to myself "I surround myself with the white light of the holy spirit. God please protect me. Jesus will protect me. Please help me Jesus." I repeated that until the feeling went away.
Sound psychotic?
It's been happening for alot of years. It doesnt happen often..but when it does it is so scary.
I wonder what that is. It sounds so crazy to me. But it happens and it use to happen almost every night when I lived in Florida and I was in the streets all the time.
Theres really not a whole lot anyone can say to me anymore. I have to do this and do it 100%.
I cant half step. This is my life.
And none of your responses were harsh. I need to hear the truth.
I need to "surrender". I really do.
It is so hard for me to do that.
I dont know why. I know I cant do it alone. But I keep thinking I can do it without program.
I know I cant but I am so dam hard headed. I want to kick my own ass.
Anyway. Thanks for responding.
I still love you all. And thanks for putting up with me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 12,136
Trish,
I've got no 'expectations' of you - so whether you keep slippin' and sliding, or whether you get clean, I'll always love you - one addict to another.
Gyps said it best IMO - you are running low on chances. I pray to God that you make it through this.
I've got no 'expectations' of you - so whether you keep slippin' and sliding, or whether you get clean, I'll always love you - one addict to another.
Gyps said it best IMO - you are running low on chances. I pray to God that you make it through this.
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