need advice!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
need advice!
Daughter is still in recovery center. Transferred to Oxford House over the weekend on advice of her sponsor. Seems the owner/manager of original "ladies" center is getting a divorce, lady doesn't come around anymore, and man is taking his misery out of women. There were 10 that left in one week, w/ approval of sponsors, parole officers etc. I don't know the whole story, did notice things I didn't like but who am I??? I was taped w/ duct tape and didn't say a word. Her sponsor called me as Kasey told her I wouldn't believe her (!) and she wanted me to know what was going on.
She helped her move, set up, etc. The only problem is there is not a bus line near this house, it is 2 miles away, work is 4.5 miles. Kasey is out looking for something closer today. She asked about her car, which we have and have repaired after ABF tore it up. She said she "can't depend on others every day" which is true. Both her counselor and sponsor said she did well by not running from the problem and seeking their advice and continuing to want sober living; also saying she didn't want to come home as she was afraid of dying if she cam back. Sponsor said this would also be the next step in growing up. I agree w/ all, but the history if still so vivid in my mind.
SO, should I trust her 6 hours away and take car when we visit at Thanksgiving? I want to, but I am so leary! Plus, our money tree dried up long ago. I told her and sponsor we would think about it, and as she proved herself w/ job, meetings, rent etc we would make up our mind.
Any help is appreciated!!! Keep me in your prayers, too. This is hard, no part of this is easy. About the time I take a deep breath and relax, it is something else. But, for today, she is still on track and trying.
hugs and prayers to all,
susan
She helped her move, set up, etc. The only problem is there is not a bus line near this house, it is 2 miles away, work is 4.5 miles. Kasey is out looking for something closer today. She asked about her car, which we have and have repaired after ABF tore it up. She said she "can't depend on others every day" which is true. Both her counselor and sponsor said she did well by not running from the problem and seeking their advice and continuing to want sober living; also saying she didn't want to come home as she was afraid of dying if she cam back. Sponsor said this would also be the next step in growing up. I agree w/ all, but the history if still so vivid in my mind.
SO, should I trust her 6 hours away and take car when we visit at Thanksgiving? I want to, but I am so leary! Plus, our money tree dried up long ago. I told her and sponsor we would think about it, and as she proved herself w/ job, meetings, rent etc we would make up our mind.
Any help is appreciated!!! Keep me in your prayers, too. This is hard, no part of this is easy. About the time I take a deep breath and relax, it is something else. But, for today, she is still on track and trying.
hugs and prayers to all,
susan
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
oh man. that's a tough one. if you're feeling iffy, then i think it's ok to say no. you can always take it later. is the neighborhood safe for walking/bike riding?
she's looking for a job closer, not a place to live, right? i'll pray a closer job pans out..
hugs, k
she's looking for a job closer, not a place to live, right? i'll pray a closer job pans out..
hugs, k
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I usually trust my instincts on things like this.
If something is telling you to wait a little longer before giving her the car, then wait.
I also like the expression "If in doubt, wait."
She's doing okay and her sobriety doesn't depend on having a car, never did and never will.
Just my thoughts....and my support of the advice that it IS okay to say no.
Hugs
If something is telling you to wait a little longer before giving her the car, then wait.
I also like the expression "If in doubt, wait."
She's doing okay and her sobriety doesn't depend on having a car, never did and never will.
Just my thoughts....and my support of the advice that it IS okay to say no.
Hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Is she able to get her own insurance?
I have had the same dilemma w/ car and AS. Now it would be necessary for the car to be put in his name and his insurance and he is not stable enough to get insurance and pay it. I am tired of his fender benders being on my insur. record.
I have had the same dilemma w/ car and AS. Now it would be necessary for the car to be put in his name and his insurance and he is not stable enough to get insurance and pay it. I am tired of his fender benders being on my insur. record.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi Calliesnana,
It is too bad the sober house is so far from her job. Does a bus route run by there?
I know she needs a job to be able to pay her rent and other needs. A car is very expensive to have with license tabs and insurance. At this point I wouldn't want to carry her on your insurance because then you are libel for her accidents. :atv
If you are planning a trip there at Thanksgiving maybe you can scope everything out and see how she has complied with the rules of the sober house. If she is ready for some more responsiblity it might work. We went through this with our son and he ended up using a bicycle his last years of drinking when not married. :morning
When he got married he was sneaking drinking and his wife didn't catch on at first but I did. Guess it is because I am a recovering alcoholic myself. He went from bad to worse in a short time. They had been married a year when he drove his truck over a 150 foot cliff drunk and ended up a quadraplegic. He is 39 years old now.
This disease of alcoholism and drug use is so devastating to family and friends. It takes a long time to build back trust and sometimes trust never comes very long before something else happens. The consequences are severe for some.
As another said, I would go by my "gut" instinct. The doubt may always be there but the proof is in the goals she meets and maintains. :comfort
kelsh
It is too bad the sober house is so far from her job. Does a bus route run by there?
I know she needs a job to be able to pay her rent and other needs. A car is very expensive to have with license tabs and insurance. At this point I wouldn't want to carry her on your insurance because then you are libel for her accidents. :atv
If you are planning a trip there at Thanksgiving maybe you can scope everything out and see how she has complied with the rules of the sober house. If she is ready for some more responsiblity it might work. We went through this with our son and he ended up using a bicycle his last years of drinking when not married. :morning
When he got married he was sneaking drinking and his wife didn't catch on at first but I did. Guess it is because I am a recovering alcoholic myself. He went from bad to worse in a short time. They had been married a year when he drove his truck over a 150 foot cliff drunk and ended up a quadraplegic. He is 39 years old now.
This disease of alcoholism and drug use is so devastating to family and friends. It takes a long time to build back trust and sometimes trust never comes very long before something else happens. The consequences are severe for some.
As another said, I would go by my "gut" instinct. The doubt may always be there but the proof is in the goals she meets and maintains. :comfort
kelsh
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
Susan,
I am so torn on this one. I know for myself I probably would have to say no car. I will never go back to paying for car ins., car repairs, etc. Gas is very expensive right now. Can she aford all of that? Jen still doesn't have a car or a cell phone, and it's been 5 months.
I just can't do those things anymore. When Jen was out in Calif. she rode a bike everywhere. It just worries me that Kasey doesn't have enough stability behind her yet.
Really think this one over. You have done a good job so far.....so I am sure whatever you decide will be the right descision for you. Just keep in mind if saying yes will be more grief and worry for you then think twice about it.
Luv.........Lo
I am so torn on this one. I know for myself I probably would have to say no car. I will never go back to paying for car ins., car repairs, etc. Gas is very expensive right now. Can she aford all of that? Jen still doesn't have a car or a cell phone, and it's been 5 months.
I just can't do those things anymore. When Jen was out in Calif. she rode a bike everywhere. It just worries me that Kasey doesn't have enough stability behind her yet.
Really think this one over. You have done a good job so far.....so I am sure whatever you decide will be the right descision for you. Just keep in mind if saying yes will be more grief and worry for you then think twice about it.
Luv.........Lo
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