dixied

Need parental input or any suggestions would be appreciated............
here's the problem......my son relapsed in June. He has been working but I have chosen not to see him. Can't really and honestly explain why but I chose not to and he felt no need to contact me. However on one occasion I sent groceries over and I have been helping his wife and my grandchild out . He does give her $$$$ but not enough to cover everything some months (i.e. taxes on house, car, winter heating bill) He has a second job too on week-ends but I don't think she sees much of that $$$$.........anyway, in my gut I really don't think he is totally clean. Just my opinion but I have heard things that set off those warning bells...........anyway, his bd is tuesday. so.what kind of card do I get? what do I say? is this the appropriate time for me to explaine why I have been distant? I have the funds to get him a gift but deep down I will worry he will sell anything monetary. So is there anyone out there that could please offer me a suggestion? thank you..dixie

Live

There are lots of wise mothers who will be along soon.

Spiritual Seeker

I can only say how I act toward my own AS. Even with addiction I always make the effort to have a relationship. I always let him know that he is loved. I always let him know he is welcome for holidays & bdays just the same as if he wasn't an addict. During these special times I treat him with love and look beyond his addiction. Even during the yrs. that he was estranged I would drop in on him at home or work (when I knew of the location) just to say hi and let him know I loved him. He is my son with an addiction; Due to that fact he has his limitations. Even when he had little contact w/ me I would go & take him out for his b'day and take him to buy clothes or shoes as his gift or gift cards for a restaurant he likes. Many times when we talk I talk about his need for recovery, which he usually doesn't want to hear. But on B'days + holidays I have a moritorium on that topic and just celebrate with him. Even with his addiction I think it is important to have family memories, fun times, etc.
Until he was able I didn't mind keeping our relationship alive.
Now he is off drugs and living with me for the last few mos. He still has problems and to live here he must be making effort to deal with his problems. He is making baby steps in that direction. Our relationship is good. Maybe you can take the steps to celebrate your son's b'day with him and just have a few wonderful hrs. together
no matter what his addiction situation is.

CarolD

Well...I live in Ga. my daughter in Mo.
that works best for both of us.

I do call and send a card...not gushy
for Christmas and her Birthday.

It hurts she never does either for me
but that's on her.
I do what I feel is right for me.

BigSis

I've found some funny cards - humor is the coping skill in our family. During his worst using, I gave son a warm coat and shoes. He is 6' 7", so he has trouble finding those in the Goodwill or Salvation Army thrift stores.

The truth of addiction is that it may be active for your entire life... in that case, looking back - what is it you want your relationship with your son to look like? That helps me, sometimes.

I wish you the best.

((hugs))

Ann

I too tried to keep some kind of relationship with my son that wasn't always about talking about his addiction or recovery (or lack of).

Sometimes it's nice just to do something like sending a card and a small gift.

If you want to send something, maybe something small like a book or gloves, that might still get returned but that also might not. It's the thought that counts, so maybe just something small that he would like.

And yes, I know how hard it is to pick a card...Hallmark just doesn't have much for active addict children. "Thinking of you on your birthday" kinda message is always good.

Hugs

CatsPajamas

That made me laugh. I tend to send either funny cards or just the simple ones that say I am thinking about you on your special day...

What to write? I keep that simple too: I let my son know that I will love him forever.

Hugs from mom to mom

blue pansy

(((Dixied)))

In the past when my daughter was active, I still had her birthday. Family, friends a cake, the whole thing. I felt that she was still my daughter and it was her day after all. I even gave presents, one year tires for her car, they're hard to sell. But in a way I was very fortunate, she never stole from me or tried to sell any of her stuff for drug money.
I don't regret having her birthday, it made her feel part of the family and loved regardless of her choices. Yes I hated the addict, but I still loved my daughter and I wanted her to know that.
I have a picture of her on one birthday where she looks like death warmed over, she hates that picture. I won't get rid of it.
But you have to do what you're comfortable with.........

cece1960

I agree with all of the above.
I often use holidays to get that "need" to help out of my system. It's allowed in my book on a special occassion. Thing is I am usually the one who's more excited about giving.
Maybe something you know he needs or will come in handy.
((((Hugs)))
Cece

inflamleft

It is very hard looking for cards for my ah - it is actually kind of depressing - they all say things that he never was - so, his mom and I always went for the humor ones, then we didn't feel hypocritcal (sp?) when we gave it to him.
Always, go for the humor - it is amazing what laughter can do!

mooselips

I always get....
socks
gloves
gift certificates for McDonalds.
A card.....


Hugs,

caileesnana

Type of card? One that says I love you.
Gift? depends on the situation. each is different. I once took my AD to lunch and shopping for "girl" things, not a lot, but she needed them. Two birthday's came and went and I didnt' know if she was dead or alive.
I think all we can do is love them and pray.
prayers for you and yours,
susan:praying

bookmiser

((((((Dixied)))))))

My son had a few birthdays when he was in active addiction.
My cards varied. Some were supportive, kinda like a "you can do it" kinda thing.
Others were inspiring about overcoming "hardships", ect.
Mostly, I would just add my own...Happy Birthday, to the card, since they don't make cards like that. I'm seriously considering making my own greeting card line and getting a patent on "Recovery Cards". What do ya think?
As far as gifts, I gave different things. Groceries, magazines, books, (mostly about recovery. lol) and scrapbook pages made up of his younger life. Those brought "feelings" and tears from him. Just what I wanted to get back...deep down emotion.
Give him the card and his child, the gift. jmo. Let him know his child will benefit from his birthday.
Oh, and do something nice for you too, mom.
Love ya,

Lobo

I think Spiritual Seeker said it for me. I agree with her.

Good luck........Lo

marle

I missed my daughter's 21st this year because she and I were not communicating and I just did not feel like celebrating the birthday that would make it legal for her to drink (although I found out recently that she spent last winter drinking to come down from her crack highs). When I saw her recently I filled a bag with needed essentials but I made sure to take them out of their original packaging. That way I figured that she might trade them for drugs but at least she could not take them back to the store for a full refund I agree that a card would be nice and if you feel like sending anything else maybe a gift basket of his favorite foods. Just a thought. Hugs, Marle

havehope

I too missed my daugter's 21st BD. I mailed her a card and told er I would take her shopping for a few things. She said she would rather jsut have a gift card and not have contact with me.
I knew she could trade/sell the gift card, so that was her choice. I did not send her a gift card. Still told her I wold take her shopping. Oh well, just my experience.

hope213

i think a funny card or thinking of you on your b-day is good. does he smoke? i got my son cig. on his b-day.something he would need & something he would not take back.