TrishaV

Well, I heard from my daughter but this time not via telephone....instead through myspace. I posted her message and what I get out of this is...she just wants to the family back without having to give up her addictive life. Am I reading this wrong??>

Her Post:

Mom Please i am so tired of living like this I am still staying in hotels and i am getting bye the best way that i can!!! Can i pleas come home for the holidays and be with loved ones i miss being around you all!!! I am sorry for all of the pain I want to get off the streets and back in to Ely's arms
PLEASE HELP ME MOM

My Reply:

You need to look at getting into Rehab. I WILL NOT put myself or your children through all the same bull **** again. You say that you are tired of living like you are...Do something about it! I love you very much as does Eli, but your actions affect the entire family. You have a problem, although you say that you don't, you made that apparent when you check out of rehab and no one heard from you. Do you know that Eli waited for you to come back, he asked about you..DO YOU EVEN CARE?? There are many resourses out there for you and you were good enough to find your drug resource, you will find rehab when you are ready.

Check the local homeless shelters, Salvation Army and other resources to get yourself some help!! Once you have completed a program and are clean from drugs we can all work on healing our relationship. Until then, I can't do this anymore. You act like you are the only one who is affected by what you have done. My heart breaks for you and the life you have chosen. I had hopes and dreams for both you and Eli and I watched them shattered by you and your addiction.

I really hope you find the strength that you need to help yourself. I am currently on a website that helps parents of addicted children and they tought me something I am now practacing...I can't control it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it!! I did notice in your message that you want to get off the streets but you never once said you want to get off the drugs...therefore, I feel this is an attempt by you to just have a place to lay your head and not get the help that you need with your drug abuse. THIS SHOULD BE YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY!!!

If you need help finding numbers I will try to find some for you. But, I feel in order for you do admit your problem that this is better for you to cure on your own.

Love always,
Mom

I hope I handled this the way it should be. I am so angry, hurt and would have loved to just let her have it...But..It just has to end!!

Spiritual Seeker

I thinlk you handled it with grace. The heartbreak doesn't end but we do the best we can to stop the chaos from being at our door. Good for you to know your limits and enforce your boundaries.

marle

My daughter has told me the same thing and I do believe that she and your daughter are tired of living like they do. The problem is that they forget their pain when they have drugs. That moment of clarity is no match for the pull of drugs. I think you handled thing well. The responsibility for her addiction and her recovery is right where it should be, with her. Sometimes we have to hang tough. I don't know if you have met Marteen on here or not, but her daughter is her addict. Even though it pained her to no end to cut contact with her daughter, she held strong against addiction. She and her daughter do have contact now, but she took a firm stand against enabling. Instead allowing her daughter the dignity of finding her own way. Our daughters can find their way when they are ready. Your daughter does not need to go to rehab to get clean. She can go to NA meetings which are free. She just has to be willing. Hugs, Marle

TrishaV

That is the problem....she hasn't admitted to having a problem with drugs even though that is the reason that she isn't with "her family or loved ones" as she put it. In all honesty, I don't think my daughter is strong enough to only attend NA meetings and especially since most seem to be held in the umm...unattractive area of town. She will still contend that she doesn't have a problem and can just stop. That is what I feel for the last time I let her come home. Seeing her like that made me fully aware that she does have a problem and spoke with her about rehab. She went into a treatment center only but refused to follow their rules by attending meetings. It is such a long long story that I am sure most of us have already been through. This is the reason I can't or won't allow her back in our lives until she takes the steps necessary to get herself help.

I can honestly say, i don't care what kind of help that she gets as long as she gets some help.

Of course, if you read her message to me, she stated that she is staying in a hotel and getting by the best way she knows how. This was written this way to manipulate me ~~ she is telling me, in no short words~~that she is prostituting herself to pay for the hotel room that she is staying in. This is another part of her problem that needs to be dealt with before moving in the right direction. She has prostituted herself for well over 10 years and that is how she had my first grandson ~~ he is the Pimps baby! She has a long history of this type of behavior along with drug addiction and if anyone in this world needs professional help...it would be her.

In short, I read her message as saying ~~ i am selling my body to have a place to stay and if i don't let her come back home she will continue. I also read into this message as saying, I want to come home, even if I am not clean, to be with the people I love. LOVE??? YOU DON'T DO THIS TO PEOPLE YOU LOVE!! If it were just me in the house and no children or grandchildren...i think I would let her come back home. But..I know the hell that she put all of us through the last time I did let her come home and I can't do that to my children and grandchildren.

Spiritual Seeker

It is amazing how low someone's standards will drop with addiction.
I know how I raised my son and addiction undid any morals/values that were taught.
I also know that I didn't cause it. Now it is apparent he has some mental illness that may or may not have been their bef addiction. It def is a disease of mind, body and spirit. The person we raised is gone. I know it is tough to think about how your daughter lives.

sobercuse

(((Trisha)))))

It sure sounds like your daughter is trying to manipulate you into letting her come stay at your home.

You did the right thing. Give her a phone number the next time that she writes or calls.

This could happen to me in the spring when my AS gets out of jail.

Setting boundaries shows self respect.
God bless you.

itiswhatitis...

trisha,

god that sounds like an email from my sister - when i had the lil guys living here she just wanted everyone to know that she was doing the best she could - she loved everyone and wanted to see them - didn't want to stop using drugs - didn't want to get her life together - she just wanted to see her kids - she came and got the lil guys in may - in september her two older sons (now living with their dad) waited for her to call for their birthday's - that didn't happen - she has the 2 lil guys and no one has heard from her since may - i hope my sister and your daughter will come to their senses and realize getting off of drugs is the thing that matters the most to a rational person...

i hope...

love,
sue

marteen

((((Trisha))))

Hi; glad that you have found your way here. First of all, please believe that your daughter is not doing this to the ones she loves; she is doing this to herself and because of the addiction. While she is actively using, she cannot realize how much she is hurting others and when she gets to the point that she can, she uses again to mask any pain and feed the demon and it goes on and on and on.

I, too, was so angry and so hurt and I still get that way at times. The main difference is that with the tools of recovery, I don't allow that to dictate MY life. I, too, have choices and I chose to not allow my AD's behavior or addiction to control me and my life. Now, that is easy to say but it takes time, patience and practice to make a reality but it can be done.

Of course, your AD wants to come home; she WANTS to be normal but she sounds like my AD did- she is incapable of accepting her problem and therefore, cannot deal with it. I know I could not have my AD at home and have a front-row seat to her behavior, attitude and chaos.

I don't know if you have read "A message to new parents of addicts" at the top of the forum page; if you haven't, it will give you an idea of what I went through.

I think you did the right thing in not allowing her to come home but she is not doing this to you or her family. She is totally incapable of caring about herself, nevermind anyone else. She has to come to the realization that if this is NOT what she wants, she and only she has the power to change it and want to change it. But you cannot allow her addiction to take anymore victims in its path. For you and the rest of your family, you did the best thing. But for a mother, I know it's not easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Hold on to faith and hope. I would NEVER have imagined that my AD could ever sound near to "normal" yet we saw that spark this weekend. I pray that it will continue blooming and if it does, I will give the credit where the credit is due - all on HER! And should it continue, I will rejoice in it and know that it was HER choice! It was my desire for her but she made the choice.

Hang in there.

marle

Trish, I agree with what Marteen said about your daughter not doing this to the ones she loves. I know that I took my daughter's addiction so personally. I was so filled with anger and revulsion at the things that she was doing to herself. I had to feel all those feelings and remind myself everyday that it is not personal no matter how much it feels that way. The last time I talked to my daughter she told me how difficult it was to stop the opiates that she uses. She told me how she tries but can't make it past the second day because the urge to use is so strong. She told me she just can't deal with the pain right now. She wants to just escape into that dream world. I felt such sorrow for her. She is so controlled by her drugs. I was able to just listen. She was not asking me for anything and I was not offering. I can't solve her problems for her and until she is willing to help herself, I know she will continue to do the same thing over and over. Your daughter is right that she is doing what she needs to do to get by. Not pretty but it is what it is. I know it hurts especially with the children involved. Take care of you, hold firm on your boundaries. They are there to protect you. Hugs, Marle

hope213

you are doing the right thinhg for you, your grandchildren & for your daughter too. when she gets ready she will find her way. prayers, hope

Ann

That was well put and makes it clear what she must do if she wants to be home with family.

I know that was hard, but living with an active addict is harder.

My prayers go out for all of you, especially the young child.

Hugs

TrishaV

Well, I checked my messages yesterday and it appears that my daughter read the message that I sent her but never responded. I am not sure if this is good news or bad news. I guess I am back to square one "the waiting game". I noted on her myspace account that my oldest son left her a message that wasn't very nice and talked about how disappointed he was in her. I could tell by the sound of his message that he is upset over everything too. I guess this is a good time for us to sit down and talk. I didn't realize, and I didn't really talk to him about her addition therefore I never really checked on how he feels about this entire situation. I have plans to take him out to dinner tonight so that just he and I can talk.

I appears to be that I have been keeping this problem to myself trying not to involve the family members who is also affected by her addiction. I need to find a way to make sure the lines of communication are open to all her siblings so that if they want to talk about it, I will be there. I know that the two youngest are afraid to talk about it because they are afriad it will upset me and therefore i just need to reassure them that I am here if they need to talk about it.

Has anyone else been in this type of position? If so, could you offer some advice??

bookmiser

Trisha,

It does affect the whole family and trying to "protect" everyone is so hard.
Especially when they don't want to see us upset either.
My daughter is 5 years younger than her brother. She hated to see what I was going through with him, but she also surprised me big time, by detaching without any help from me. She and her brother were not very close because of the age difference, anyway, so she refused to let it affect her life too much.
You did the right thing with the response on her Myspace.
My sister still hasn't learned about protecting her grandchild. Her son recently showed up for a place to "crash". He was there 3 days before he had to go off again. She's raising her grandson and he goes to counseling every week. He's been diagnosed with ADHD. Yet, no matter how much I've tried to talk to her about what this does to her grandson, she still can't turn her back on her son. It's very frustrating for the rest of the family. We see what this does to her and the boy (5), yet she continues to let it happen. It's a long, horrid story. I do what I can to encourage detachment and give her literature on enabling and codependency.
Maybe one day...
I think your a great grandma. lol You know what I mean. Continue to focus on you and the grandson.
Your all in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs,

BigSis

When my daughter was getting very bad in her meth addiction, my son broke down with me one day. He just needed to talk about his pain... and I had been blind to it, too.

You are doing everything you can do.... keep trudging, keep putting babies first (Eli). I wishyou all the best.

parentrecovers

hugs and support, it's a difficult situation - k

nytepassion

It sounds to me like she needed an emotional rescue ... that happens sometimes with addicts .. they start feeling beat up from the lifestyle, end up missing the warmth and comforts of home, feeling left out of the holidays and then they make contact (the only thing is that they don't realize that THEY are putting themselves through all the hell ... not us .. they chose the life of drugs and now their living the lifestyle that comes with the territory and it ain't an easy one) You can tell the addict you chose this and you'll hear "what do you mean I chose it .. who the hell would want to live like this" (the connection isn't there) You are to blame because you won't let them come home .. so it is your fault.

It is clear that your daughter is looking for an emotional rescue and that she isn't trying to deal with addiction and that is the way it will be unless/until she is ready.

I will say though (depending on the circumstances) it doesn't hurt to give the addict a little taste of home from time to time .. and the reason I say this is because if they can see what they are missing it can be a motivator to get clean (though the holidays may not be the best of times for this as it affects the whole family)

Example: I had moved close by my moms house after years of drug abuse and much damage to our relationship. I had alienated my own mother .. it had come to the point she didn't even want me in her own home. (That hurt me deeply and spoke to my heart making me realize how messed up I really must be if I could drive my OWN mother who deep down in my heart I knew loved with me every fiber of her being .. Anyhow like I said, I had moved close by and I was still using thought not heavily and not everyday either ... (I use to lie to my mother and deny that I was using out of anger/denial and for many other reasons), but this time it was out of shame and not wanting to hurt my mom I lied to her and told her I was clean. I really did want and wish I was clean, but I just didn't know how to get completely off the dope yet (I was on my way just didn't know it yet) Anyhow .. it was Mothers Day and I was broke ... I called my mom up and wished her a Happy Mothers Day and apologized that I didn't have any money to buy her anything and she said it was fine, but in my own heart it wasn't fine .. after we hung up from talking I thought for a moment and I knew that I had some knick knacks that matched with some that of my moms, but I felt bad giving her something that wasn't newly bought... but I thought something was better than nothing so I took them down and cleaned them up .. headed into my kitchen where it dawned on me that I could make her breakfast .. so I cooked up some sausage, fried potatoes and onions, eggs and toast ... gathered everything up and drove to my moms house (less then 2 minutes away) When I got there I said to my mom that after we got off the phone I got to thinking that these (I showed her the knick knacks) would match with hers. I will never forget how her eyes lit up and she took them from my hands right over to her shelve and put them next to the ones she already had and said, Oh these are just perfect ... I apologized again that they were not new, but I could tell she didn't care at all .. I proceeded to tell her I had made her breakfast, but was disappointed to find she had already eaten ... though she said she would take it with her to work and have it for lunch. You know what impacted my heart? It was just how little it took to please her. I had always thought that she wanted so much from me that she expected far way to much and I was unable to give it and here I found that all it took was a simple effort on my part and I realized how much I liked this person standing before me. She was no longer just represented a Mother to me, but she was a human being, a woman ... a person ...she was interesting and intriging and I wanted to get to know her better .. I wanted her to be my best friend. The next day she shared with me how good she thought the breakfast I made her was .. she said she told everyone at her work ... my daughter made this for me. It felt good to make my mother happy ... I could feel proud and not ashamed and I loved the feeling .. I wanted to feel like that more often. It felt better than any drug I'd ever taken. And it was the beginning of the end of my drug days and the rebuilding of my relationship with my mom. A touch of home caused me to hunger for more and for a long time now I say Jesus is the King and my mom is the Queen.

I also want to add that Marteens recent post about her AD and the different behavior she is exhibiting (initiating and being a part of, being more human, playing with her child, being authentically interested and participating) brought to mind my Mothers day story and I wondered if what happened in my heart was happening her Marteens AD's heart.

We can wonder why now .. how come it would be different now .. after all the trying and doing before and nothing working .. the key I think is just like what the "Marteens are doing" they are just being real .. enjoying their granddaughter without pressuring their daughter to get clean ... they are going on with life and not imposing their wants and desires on their daughter .. they aren't pushing or trying to force ... in turn leaving getting clean HER CHOICE....

"Seek ye first rehab, and recovery; and all these things shall be added unto you."

******{Hugs}}}}
Passion

dustie

all i can say is wow!!!! you are very very strong. i admire you so very much. i know your heart breaks. but you are so strong. i get my strength from other like you. thank you

dustie

sojourner

nytepassion:

Riveting story!!!!!!!!

TrishaV

A little taste of home would be perfect if in fact it didn't affect her children/my grandchildren. She has waltz in and out of their lives far too many times and with each time I seen the hurt these children felt. I can't do it as much as I would love nothing better to have her home for the holidays. If it were just me in my home, it would work out but watching the tears in these children's eyes just isn't an option. My grandson still beleives that his mommy is away from him because she is getting help. He has no idea that she is back out doing the same thing as she has done before.

I will not bring her into my home to see if missing home will break her addiction at the expense of my grandchildren. She has had countless opportunities to see what she was missing and countless times she has ripped their little hearts out. She has been gone so long or seperated herself from her children that the baby doesn't even know who she is! My grandson remembers her but my granddaughter doesn't. I feel it is my job to protect these defenseless little ones and I will do everything in my power to ensure their safety. With this being said, the only time my daughter will see these children is after she has seek professional help. I know my method may sound somewhat selfish on my part and that is okay too because these kids are my number one priority!!

nytepassion

Trisha

I hear where you are coming from loud and clear. I agree NOT when it affects children. I've been there and had to make that decision myself with my ex-husband and I chose to keep him away too and no it doesn't sound selfish at all. You're doin' what needs to be done for their sake. I applaud your resolve and strength.

Passion