fairyprincess

I like to take care of my children, my house, my husband....I don't do their homework or solve their problems or get upset when they don't do the chores, but my husband says I "enable" them to be irresponsible. He tells me I am raising them to be "disfunctional".....I am not afraid of confrontation with the kids or disiplining them when needed...I try to be a good example and I believe they know I am there for them. I do way more for my husband than my children. I guess my question is what exactly is an enabler? I've come a long way in my recovery as an ACOA...now my husband feels like I don't listen to him and I don't care about his imput. The only thing that matters is what I think...What is happening is that I am making my own choices and believing in my instincts. I just don't thing he is right about everything anymore like I used to. Now he leaves all the time because he can't stand how I deal with the kids....Who exactly is the one with the problem here?? I can't seem to figure it out. Is making sure they clean their bedrooms everyday and take out the trash that big of a deal in the big picture?? Is giving them more chores going to make them more responsible?? They all do awesome in school and sports and are looked up to by their peers....am I missing something here???

GingerM

My dad thinks the same thing about me. He started feeling that way about the same time I quit being a doormat and started thinking for myself.

People who are used to others constantly doing what they tell them to are placed outside their comfort zone when said other people start to think for themselves, and quit allowing themselves to be pushed around or guilted into doing things they don't want to do.

It is very common in a relationship where one person seeks therapy and the other one doesn't, that the one in therapy will change and grow, and the other person will remain the same. Unfortunately, it means that the person not in therapy is often confused and annoyed because the nature of the relationship has changed and they weren't really paying attention as it was changing (which is why it's good to *both* go to therapy, or at least to talk about it regularly. Every therapy session I have, I discuss with my husband so he knows what I'm working with/on).

You are missing something - you're missing the "old way" which your husband was comfortable in. You've moved into a different space, and he is still in his old ways and the two aren't meshing very well. He wants someone who will always agree, and you have learned to think for yourself. You're missing being a doormat.

Good for you!

SaTiT

It's important enough for your children to learn how to live
not like a slob and have self discipline, structure, and and
develope habits of learning how to take care of themselves
and to clean up thier own mess.

Bascailly they're normal shores just as in bathing ourselves
and brushing our teeth everyday..just an exstension of it.
Becuase we gernerate waste or get dirty in other ways too..
Preventive maintenance so can say.

The structure part comes in as doing it oneday at a time.
By cleaning up our own mess a little bit everyday, it's easier
and is not overwhelming.

If you look at one of the 13 traits...
"we spend much of our times cleaning up our mess" or not at all.lol
becuase we wait for it to trun into a mountain. Therefore it becomes
overwhelming and we don't do it and the mess gets bigger and bigger.
Then if we develope a manner of waitng for mom to bail me out...that carries
on into my adulthood..because it was habitual.

that's one thing my gf counldn't understand. It's not so much
about me making the kids take out the trash. it's easier for me
to do it to rather then to argue withher about it.

Obviouley, some of my helper thinks I'm a cool boss,
others gets very fustrated with me, becuase I hate
training people becuase it takes forever and I can do
the same task in 5 minutes without mistakes, So I'll
just do it myself rather then training them to releave me of
stress. it's not so much that my boss didn't give extra help
when i requested it...I have codi issues.

But ya see..that's also another codependency trait.
I end up doing everything for everyone because I rather not
argue...why ? becuase I hate confrontations from my experince
as a child. I think communications is conforntations. Or when
there's disgreements it's a conforntation.
it dosen't matter if I always want to be right, or always cave in.
I'm still avioding communications...or there's a triggers.

So when (or if) you sit down and communicate with your children.
about such matters. Yes, it's important enough to have a
family meeting to communicate.

If you just nag or complain to your children..you'll also give
mix signals. all it depends how the child process the information.
The child might also do it to aviod confrontations.

it's about communications and being persistence in a posistive way.

SaTiT

If you look at the other traits such as...
we're either over achvierers or we' don't do anything at all.

I have cycles of it..I'll over do everything and tried to
handle everything..depending on my cycle..6 months-a couple of
years. Then I'll go through a cycle of a burn out of not doing anything
at all. It stems from avioding confrontations or trying to keep the
peace or walking on eggshells. Bascailly dysfunctional. Always too
much or too little..not a balance.

And my motive for keeping that peace. Probably from all of the
chaos from my childhood and not wanting to have to pass that on
to my children or living a different life..But i do in an extreem manner
that's not healthy either.