doneforsure

Hi Everyone,
Haven't posted in a few months, but I've been reading nearly daily. For those who don't know me and those who may not remember me, the addict in my life has been my agf/exagf?????. I split up with her several months ago but about 6-7 weeks ago, after listening to what sounded like a sincere confession and admission, I began seeing her again, about once a week. I've pretty much kept my emotional distance, and have looked upon this as a wait and see kinda thing, not allowing much to have much expectation. She has talked about my coming back to live with her. I touched upon it with her, telling her that before something like that could even be contemplated, there were many other issues that needed to be discussed. Pretty much the issues I referred to in terms of the ones I have, are my boundaries.

I set them straight this week, I laid them out clearly and in black and white. I explained to her that none of it was about control, or saying she was wrong and that I was right, that it was just about what I can't accept and live with, and what I need from her. I don't really believe they're out of the ordinary, pretty much basics.

When I split up with her a few months ago, I wasn't certain that she was using coke again, but I certainly had my suspicions, and she wasn't doing much to actually try and regain my trust, which I explained to her was something that had been destroyed. I did tell her that I did believe it could be possible for that to be rebuilt but that it was something that would take time.

After setting my boundaries clearly this week because something had happened a couple times in two weeks, I have gotten the usual obstinate, chip on the shoulder attitude with the "You're an absolutely impossible a$$hole". I told her frankly that I'm sorry that she can't understand, but that I can live with her thinking I'm an a$$hole, but I can't live with my boundaries being crossed anymore, that I would prefer to be sad and lonely by myself than to be angry, frustrated, hurt, and feeling taken for granted with her or anyone else.

That was the easier part. Now is the hard part. In the past I would forgive and forget, kiss and make up, all is well, when nothing at all had changed. Today, tomorrow, and all the days after, I'm just hoping that I can continue to find the strength to stick to these boundaries.

What I keep holding onto is knowing that My Life will never be as I want it to be, as long as I let others do what I know I can't live with, that these boundaries I have are rules of engagement, engagement in any kind of relationship, whether romantic, friendship, any, and that it really all does come down to respect, self respect first, but also respect for others too. Telling someone you love that these are my boundaries, if you cannot or will not respect them, I cannot continue the realtionship. Aint easy, especially when it's a departure from accepting past behavior which as was posted the other day, requires change from the other person, and looking for or expecting that from an addict......well....truth about all will be revealed in short time.

It feels better just to write these words rather than just have them rolling around in my head. Thanks to anyone who reads them

marle

It sounds like you are going in the right direction. Above all love yourself enough to do what is right for you. People come into our live's for a reason. Maybe the reason she came into your life was for you to learn to take care of you. People don't always stay in our lives and that is okay too. Letting her take advantage of you is really not a very loving thing to do for either of you. You really don't want to help her stay sick. Having boundaries are hard to do at first when most of your life you have not had many. But it gets easier with time and you will feel stronger the more times you put yourself first. Keep it up Hugs, Marle

bookmiser

(((doneforsure)))

Sending hugs, support, and prayers for strength.
It's good to hear from ya again.
Continue to share.

krhea75

You sound like you have your act together. Progress not perfection.
krhea

mooselips

doneforsure,
You are shining in your program work.
I love the way your boundaries are precise, and clear, none of that wishy-washy stuff.

May I ask a personal question? Is this relationship an exclusive relationship? Or are you both seeing others?

Hugs,

Bonichickadee

No it isn't easy but stick to your beliefs and don't let anyone disrespect you! Don't you feel stronger just making a decision and keeping it? Good stuff.

doneforsure

Thanks mooselips. Yes, the relationship has been exclusive. I thought I was doneforsure when we split up for several months, I had even dated, but the ties were never cut completely and one day she just called me and told me that she finally realized after everything that had happened, that she wanted more than anything to be my wife. The way I have felt about her is that she is the one I'll still love when it's time to move on, so, I started seeing her and stopped seeing others. Like so many others here, the self centeredness and selfishness, and the respecting of my boundaries was what was most important to me, and since this morning, I have received the answer.

Got a call a little while ago from her. Nothing but a bunch of yelling and screaming and an FU to go along with a hangup. That's it,no more. Maybe I can be too petty sometimes when it comes to things like how far arguments and disagreements should go, but there's something about being told FU that pretty much says it all in terms of disrespect. Most of the relationships I have had, there was a basic respect, there was rarely if ever a reason for the tornado of nastiness like that which I have received from this one.
I really do understand that sometimes people have to be given time to take a step back before discussing a problem or issue because everyone handles conflict differently, but, and I'm sure a lot of folks out here can relate, with my addict, the time for discussion just never comes, and the promises to make time for it are never kept, thus, only when the issue keeps popping up over and over is it even touched upon, and at least in my case, one nasty adjective after another is usually the extent of anything even close to communication and the sound of click. Even if there is a moment where I have actually been able to say something, it's always twisted and contorted into something entirely different, and something that most would think is unreasonable and irrational. If it's not this or just outright avoidance, then it's projection.

It's a bit easier right now to stick to my boundaries considering that a little while ago there was a whole lot of nastiness unleashed upon me. Well, I slipped and fell a few weeks ago. Today, at least for today, I'm back up and on my feet. I also have to admit, that while we were split up, I wasn't miserable. I was upset at times, whenever I heard from her, but I actually enjoyed this summer, and the highlight of it all was trying something new.....skydiving Freefalling for 2 1/2 miles will I believe take anyone's mind off all of their troubles

doneforsure

Thanks Bonichickadee. Yes, I do absolutely feel better about it. I beat my head against the brick wall asking the question "Why can't she just see this?" for a long time. That doesn't really matter at all does it? With all that can be gray areas in this life, breaking it down simply to boundaries, there's a sense of comfort in that, I guess the same way there is for children who need the rules. There's a security in it as it really does make things somewhat simpler.....either a person respects my boundaries, or they don't. If they don't, explain it reasonably, and if they still don't, the answer is already there, those individuals will not be a part of my life.

oneeyeopen

well, when the addict is pissed off at us it is usually a sign they are crashing. I mean, shesh, my exabf would be all remorseful for about 20 minutes after I rescued him from a crack house and then turn to being mad at me. If you get mad back it just gives them the opportunity to throw the anger back on you. that's why it is better to stay away altogether when they are coming down (and all the more reason for not living together)

I can only say, I gave my exabf like minimum 2 new chances a month, and he screwed up everyone of them. and the trust, mostly gone. now that i really have walked away from the whole thing (a week ago and counting) the separation is really helping put things in perspective.

Do I want to live with this cloud of potential relapse always, always there? my dad has been sober for 38 years and it is still on my mom's horizon.

Can trust be built up again? will there ever be joy? true joy?

can this guy live in the real world, the one that involves responsibilities, paying bills, keeping jobs, the one that involves boring times and sitting on the sofa just watching dvds? I look at these couples that go out to eat or to the movies and I think to myself--can't remember the last time I did that with my exabf because his whole world became about his addiction, and that ended up being mostly what my world was too.

I could not handle another relapse, I couldn't handle this one. Can you handle it again? in a year, in 5, in ten?

do you want to go those 5 years and then have to leave her anyway? and this time it might involve kids and shared property.

I know, I know, I would like nothing better than to think to myself, well, we have love, and that is the most important thing, and not have to think about the practical, but after what I have gone through in my life, I am starting to believe that the practical should perhaps be one of the things you do think about perhaps even more than love.

Life is hard enough, why do us lovers of addicts make it so much harder for ourselves?

cece

I hear you and can relate.
this week I went to an Al-anon meeting where boundaries was the topic. you said something that reminded me of what the speaker said. They said that it was way easier to stick to boundaries when you are angry, and when they are AH's . Its when they turn on the "nice and needy" that we go into our "mode" of: Maybe I am being too hard? Maybe I'm not getting it right? Maybe just one more chance? If only we could keep a good mad going.( not too healthy for me though) but I would really just like a break that felt clean and right. Or a fresh start that didn't have any doubts. I think with my enabling/doubting problems I'm not going to get it until the relationship is long over.