krhea75

So, my son has been at the recovery house, working and doing well, supposedly. He's been there 45 days and said he was coming home this weekend because he had his first overnight. Then he said, well I'll just take the bus home on Sat and you can take me back that night. I thought that was weird, but I thought maybe he's afraid to stay home because of the user friends. ha. Turns out he took the bus home on Thursday, has been staying with friends, going to drinking parties. My oldest son found out through mutual friends. I am so angry at him. I kept calling him last night, and finally he returned my call, insisiting that he was still at the recovery house. Even said he would let me talk to one of the guys at the house. I told him he could find his way back to bloomington, I wasn't taking him.

So now, he will probably get kicked out of the recovery house. He's only 17, but he has the kahunas of a 25 year old. I don't know what this means for his legal situation, but I need some advice from you all. Should I call the cops? He's staying with some people who are known to throw drinking parties for teens. Should I just let it go, let him fin his way back to the recovery house and suffer the consequences? If he gets kicked out of there, I don't know what will happen. Possibly jail, possibly being on his own.

I don't even know what to feel right now...numb, angry, scared, my emotions are running the gamut. I do know that the first place I felt like coming to was this site. You all are a life line when things suck.

krhea

CatsPajamas

((( khrea))) I am not sure what the rules are when dealing with a minor... but I would most likely say HANDS OFF THE ADDICT. Let him deal with his own consequences. When my son was out doing his research, I told myself over and over again that he had some important life lessons to learn, and they weren't from me. That allowed me to detach a little bit and allow his life to unfold without my "help".

Be extra gentle with yourself today.

Hugs
Cats

rahsue

ask yourself this, if you drive him back to the recovery house, will they let him stay?
If he is not already thrown out, would you rather him be back in the recovery house or let him make the choice of staying where he is and let him deal with the consequences himself. I only put it this way because we are supposed to be helping ourselves get through things and I know that I tend to cut my nose off to spite my face sometimes and I have to way out the consequences of my own before I open my big mouth

prayers and hugs

mooselips

krhea75,
I remember a long time ago hearing this phrase, "When in doubt, do nothing"


It's HIS responsiblity, not yours, and we have to love them enough to let them find their way on their own.


Hugs,

bookmiser

(((((Krhea))))))

For me, this is a real tough call. I don't know...cause he's only 17.
I know one thing for sure. I would definitely be *issed beyond belief. lol
I hope things work out the way they should without too much stress and aggrievation on your part. Pray for answers, sweetie. Don't be too hard on yourself.
You've been walking a good recovery road for a while now.
Don't let him manipulate you anymore. He should have known this was gonna turn out bad. Brat! I swear, that sounds like something my Jay would have done.
He thinks your hands are tied. Arrgggg! I'm mad for ya.
Whatever happens, I'm in your corner, don't forget.:comfort

marle

With my daughter, everytime I tried to force a consequence, she had someone to blame other than herself. Let your son face the consequences of his using. Don't be a soft place to fall or the bearer of the consequences. He is so close to being a legal adult and then you have no control over what he does. Better that he learns now. You have given him so many chances and he has blown every one of them. I know it is hard but doing nothing may be your best bet for now. But you know that whatever you decide to do is your choice and we will still be here for you. Hugs, Marle

krhea75

Thanks all for the instant responses. I am trying not to freak out and your words help. I have been feeling so comfortable with my life, trying to enjoy being alone and just focusing on living day to day. Now i feel like i'm being sucked down into the vortex again. I am trying to remember my tools...how does that serenity prayer go?
krhea

parentrecovers

oh krhea, i have faced so many situations like yours, they are so difficult. i can feel your pain.

when i get involved with my daughter's setbacks, i just end up getting hurt. so try to stay out of it as much as possible? it's so hard... i am so sorry. prayers, k

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

helpus

krhea, Becuse he is not quite yet considered an adult, I would toy with the idea of calling the halfway house & talking to his counsler. He or she should be able to guide you in what to do. The counsler probably saw the relapse coming. This is a hard spot to be in because of his age. I do agree "hands off the adict" for an adult. Once he is 18 you will have no say in what he does. But since he's not, you might be able to request that he goes to a program. I know that someone doesn't get clean untill he or she is ready, but I also think each time they are in a program they pick up at least one thing that can help them when they are truly ready.

I hope you understand I don't mean for you to get sucked back up into his drama. I think you did well not giving him a ride back to the recovery house. Hopefully he's thinkin holly crap...now what?

Spiritual Seeker

krhea, IMHO when our children are minors it is a different situation. I think enforcing the rules and living arrangements when they are minors is a responsibility as the parent. When my son was a senior High school he started to slide of the rails a and I yanked his but back on conseq. he graduated and got into college. However, once on his own in that envir. he went right back off the rail..but as least I feel I did the best I could as a parent disciplinarian until he became an adult. On the other hand. if their addiction is forceful...it is going to overtake them no matter what we do. I think you can do whatever feels right and maintains your authority as his parent given he is 17.

lil516

Krhea

I just read this post and I guess by now (saturday evening) you have already had to act on whatever decision you made...

I hope all went well
I am so sorry that you are going through this

early recovery is rough....
my RAS always reminds me "It's hard ...very hard....If it were easier more people would do it"

this is another situation where I feel the age of your son is a consideration...many of us here talk about sons and daughters that are in their 20's or older (mine's 26)


my first reaction to your situation was to think I'd call Halfway House and find out if son was still welcome...if so, I'd call son and say mom's taxi leaves NOW...get on board and when i got to HH I'd say don't plan an overnight for at least 6 months....

but hey....who knows what i'd really do if I were in your shoes...

I had to put him out once (drove him to a shelter) and I've denied him permission to return home but I've been fortunate that he accepts that and hasn't forced the issue....

please know you are in my prayers

hope213

sorry about what your son has done. i know u have made your decision by now. i am saying a prayer for you & your son. remember, you did not cause this.

krhea75

THanks all for the prayers and kind words. I did talk to his counselor today, and he said, get him back to the oxford house as soon as possible. If he has relapsed, he needs to get back into the program. So I called him and told him to come home so we could talk. Of course it was more of an argument. I told him I would take him back, and of course now he didn't want me to. He had found a ride. Sigh... this kid was a user, and according to my AS he is clean now. Like I believe that. My ex came over and we all talked. He refused to get in the car with me, so instead of forcing the issue we let him go back with his friend. At least he went back. It was a stressful day, but after his dad left, we sat and talked quite a bit and he told me how unhappy he is there. He's lonely and wants to come home. I didn't respond much, just listened. Mentioned going to army. He at least opened up a bit to me. I am tired, tired, tired. So it's a good news/bad news case. he's back at the oxford house, he still is a jerk.
Thanks again for all the prayers and thoughts.
krhea

Lobo

Boy, do I know how these things can suck the life out of you and make you tired.
Whew......at least he is back where he is supposed to be. Maybe the military would be good for him. I think they have some type of drug restrictions though. I vaguely remember when my daughter wanted to go into the Air Force there was a problem with that.

Try to enjoy your peace now that he is back........Lo