journeygal

I've been going around in circles with all this self-examination and anger and whatnot. And I've been feeling stuck b/c I'm not really sure what the next step is in terms of getting past it all and moving forward.

Yesterday I was chatting w/DH, more "woe is me" stuff about my childhood, the nurturing I didn't get, etc. And DH said something that kinda made sense. He said, "You know, if you had grown up any differently, you wouldn't be you, and you might not have ended up as strong as you are. You went out in the world and made a way for yourself. Maybe you did it to escape your family, but you can't deny how well you've done."

And he's right. I've done very well for myself. Maybe I did it to prove to my parents I could, maybe I did it to get back at them for saying I couldn't. But it has made me stronger in a lot of ways. Maybe if they had coddled me more, I wouldn't have done as well.

So I guess now the real question is, do I love me? Am I ok with me? And for the most part, yes I do and I am. I haven't always loved me - I didn't know how. But I'm learning to accept me and nurture me and do all the things for me that no one else has done. And maybe that's how I move forward - by being good to me and giving myself all the love and acceptance that I didn't get from my parents.

Hmmm.....

Paulie

(((JG))) that is awesome, thank you for sharing that. I understand exactly what you are saying. And it was really good for me to hear. I forget so often to give myself credit for how far I have come in the last 7 1/2 years, what I have accomplished since i got sober.

And you know the reason that we do what we do to better our selves may not be important, anger, resentment, to get back at someone, whatever the motivation is, the important thing is we did it and we continue to grow everyday.

Wow - thanks!!

JT

I tend to believe we make choices. There was a point in my life when reacting to the external wasn't what I was about anymore. When my first husband left with the rent due and I was broke and had a 4 yr old Beav I chose to move forward alone instead of leaning on anyone else. And I did it! It was at that point in my life that I realized my strength. I realized that things DO work out and that I can do anything I set my mind on.

When I met Ward I had my own place and I was supporting us. What Ward saw in me was strength and independence, not the hurt child that I had become.

Can anyone else pinpoint a time when a change was made?

Hugs,
JT

DolphinBlue

Journeygal,

thanks so much for sharing, I appreciate your post so much.

I got lost in beating myself up and questioning everything from the past, I still feel like a child when it comes to this stuff and have a really hard time expressing myself. But I can already see that its so much easier if I remember to take care of myself and remember how far I've come as well. I need that balance.

Thanks

Amy

journeygal

Thanks Amy and Pauline. If we can't love and accept ourselves, I guess we really shouldn't expect anyone else to.

When my last boyfriend and I broke up after 7 years, I decided right away that I wasn't going to blame myself or try to figure out what was wrong with me. I was determined to walk with my head high and show the world that his leaving wasn't the end of me. And, except for being in recovery, it was one of the most rewarding times of my life b/c it was the first time that I felt really good about myself and felt that I could handle anything that came my way. I guess God thought so too, since he sent DH to me shortly afterwards....

The amazing thing about it was, others could see the changes in me too. I had many people comment on how much happier I seemed and how much different I was. I had no idea what kind of image I was projecting to the world until I made the conscious choice to move forward and work at being happy.