Wascally Wabbit

Hopefully, yes. It is quite a serious charge.
I had to do this very thing with my own children. I continued to rescue my youngest, but, unfortunately all it did was enable him to do more and do worse.
When my oldest got addicted to drugs and failed a drug test while on probation, that was MY wake up call. I was actually GLAD he went back to do time. I knew he was SAFE, fed and would have no choice but to get clean and dry out. It worked too!
This is recovery at it's shining best! Just think. That 5K would be a nice downpayment on a new car. But, spent on an addict or alcoholic, you might as well take it outside and have a bonfire with it.

I know it hurts to see her like this. So, just don't look. It will be up to her if she wants to change her life.

DesertEyes

Wow, Midnight, your recovery and strength is awesome. I know how hard it is to let a loved one suffer the consequences of their own addiction. I went thru similar stuff with my Dad, my Mom, uncles, aunts, and my ex-wife. My mind would just spin with worry, awful-izing and guilt.

I know today that the only way an addict will seek recovery is to find recovery less painful than addiction. That sounds very wise, but boy it is _hard_ to believe when someone I love is hurting.

We're all here for ya, in this forum and in the "Friends and Family" forums next door. I'm praying for your Mom, every day, and for you too.

Mike

Midnightfrost

so I'm getting calls from all these dysfunctional people my mother surrounded herself with and from family members I haven't talk to in a while offering support and such. I'm trying not to feel guilty for just letting it go to voice mail. I know they are only offering support and such but I spent a long time distancing myself from them all and I don't want to end up back in the middle of that mess. I still have a lot of anger issues with my extended family. They couldn't be there for me as I grew up because of my mother. And boy could I have used the support. They are all crazy for their own reasons and I don't know if it would have been useful support but I still felt abandoned and lost. Its a little late in the game to swoop in now. Does that sound reasonable. I mean I am talking to my brother and he talks to the family. So they know I'm safe and working through it all. I don't know. I'm just tired at this point and I don't want to have to deal with their crazy. :chatter

GingerM

Caller ID and an answering machine are often my lifelines. I do return phone calls (usually), but I do it when *I* have the energy to deal with it. I don't do it when I'm burnt to a crisp and have nothing left to function with.

I think that's a very important part of taking care of you. They didn't take care of you before. It sounds like they couldn't take care of you now even if they wanted to. So that leaves YOU to take care of you. And if that means letting it go to voicemail, that's perfectly okay.

I hereby not only give you permission to let those calls go to voicemail, but highly encourage you to do so anytime you think the caller might make things worse and not better. (Sometimes it helps me to give myself permission, so I'm giving you permission - I know it's a little mind game, but any tool in the toolbox that works is good by me)

DesertEyes

eeesh, I had a crazy family like that. I would _never_ go back into that mess, me thinks you are totally right in staying away.

Very resonable. My first guess is that they are "swooping in now" is just a part of the sick games they play with each other. I seriously doubt they have suddenly become mentally healthy in a flash of light and are now going to be supportive of you. When my family did that "swooping in" routine there was always some kind of manipulative game going on in the background.

No reason why you should. If people don't _add_ to the peace and serenity of your life why have them in your life. The world has enough problems and challenges already, no need to go _looking_ for more.

Mike

Midnightfrost

That has drove me mad for ages. Always trying to figure out what I'm being cornered into before I'm cornered. And then there is the hearing your words out of context thrown in your face. Oy! don't talk to me all nice and then gossip behind my back. And then have the audacity to get mad at me for something I might have said 3 months ago. it was exhausting trying to keep every conversation absolutely devoid of an opinion or info about another family member. I don't understand the feeding on drama. I see it at work too. Jeez just watch some soap operas!

Ahimsa

My thoughts and prayers are with you!! Been in your shoes, and I too hope that this is the big change for your mother. It's hard to have your mom in jail, but it's good that you are dealing with it so well. Stay strong and know we are all cheering for you

GingerM

I asked a psychologist friend of mine (not on professional terms, this person is a member of hubby's family) why some people need to have this level of drama - to the point that they create it (I have a coworker who pokes hornets nests constantly to stir things up).

She said that without creating that heightened sense of drama, the person, for whatever reason, doesn't feel alive. The rest of their emotional repertoire is so incomplete that drama is the only thing that makes them feel awake and a part of the world. She said it's very common amongst emergency workers (fire/police/emt/ER docs/nurses etc).

After she told me that, I started watching my coworker (morbid curiousity on my part) and discovered that yes indeed, any time her life was calming down, she would then go find some other something to poke with a stick to get her life all riled up again. She doesn't stir things up too badly at work (although I've had to have talks with every new hire we've had recently on how to protect themselves emotionally from her), but with her family (whom she talks with very loudly and very frequently on the phone while at work)? hooooboy.

Once I started looking for it, I was amazed. It literally is like that's the only way she can feel alive. As soon as things settle, she starts another round of the drama.

While it doesn't necessarily make it any more fun to deal with, it made it make a little more sense to me, and that makes it something I can observe, rather than participate in, as we can not simultaneously observe and participate.

Midnightfrost

Seems more exhausting to drama hunt then to work on yourself. So I finally heard an update on Mother. She's still in jail. the bail has been increased to 10k. Not that I'm planning to bail her out but friends of the family just want to let me know its an option they'd donate funds to support but I'd need to figure out what to do with her once she was out Oy! I often feel that I need to explicitly state that I don't want/need monetary support. . . . I want emotional support. People don't seem to understand that one does not replace the other. I'm actually in town today but I can't bring myself to go see her. She didn't call me or ask the friend of the family to call me so I'm staying out of it. I am debating sending a letter of support and encouragement. . . . what do you guys think? Since I had a whole day in an awesome hotel to myself I took a bubble bath and read a magazine and listened to my favorite music. So relaxing!

DesertEyes

There's no need for you to go see her. She's safe from her own addiction, the world is safe from her driving, she's getting fed, bathed, and a warm cot to sleep on. Sounds like a win-win situation for everybody

I think something far more supportive and useful would be a copy of the Narcotics Anonymous book. Copy the 24hr hotline number for NA and write it on the inside cover of the book. If you are _really_ feeling guilty you can stop by the prison and leave a quarter on her prison spending account, to make a phone call to NA with.

Good for you!!! You've certainly _earned_ that.

Mike

Midnightfrost

Thanks Mike! Yeah had a brief cry after the second phone call. Bails been upped to 30K and her probation has been revoked. at least none of her friends can bail her out now. I'll know she's safe and fed and not driving. But I'm was still stressing because of the possibility of her doing real time. But maybe its what she needs. If she's not ready to deal with her addiction at least she won't be out killing herself and/or others. It's just so hard to come to terms with. The NA book is a good idea! I think I'll just ask her friend to take it to visitation with her. The friend is already working the program so that might be better accepted.

Ahimsa

I think an NA book sounds like a wonderful idea I wish that the legal system in my state would have been as on the ball as it sounds like yours is. My mom was out and driving again not even a week later - and her bail was never high enough that someone couldn't bail her out. Very frustrating. She must have some kind of connections in our local courts, because she has been BABIED in regards to her consequences. Grrrr. Lots of hugs and support your way Glad you got some "you" time in!! Always nice to just take a day off.

Midnightfrost

so that friend of my mum's went to go visit her today. She's not looking good. Withdrawals I'm sure. She told the friend that they did blood work and she has leukemia. Nobody knows what to make of that. Is she saying it to get bailed out or does she really have leukemia. they have to treat her if she has it right? Probably the best place for her if she does have leukemia cause she can get some treatment unlike if she's out and she just feeds her addiction.

Ahimsa

It's so hard to have a lifetime of lies, and still worry about which ones just might be true. I hope your mother doesn't have leukemia, she already has a challenging road to recovery ahead of her. You're right, that probably is the safest place for her to be. Have you gone to any Al-Anon meetings?

Midnightfrost

haven't done al-anon meetings. I'm not good with people I don't know. But I have a good support network at this point. A few people involved in al-anon and AA and NA in the network. It was just a hard call to receive. I was never sure about the leukemia thing. We'll see. I too hope it isn't true. I was relieved to hear she had gained a bit of weight. She's always gotten dangerously thin when she was using. I'm still amazed it hasn't thrown my life into the chaos it would have a year ago. I really do think I have to let go and let us both heal and cope and find our own paths. It feels good. I don't feel like I'm fighting myself anymore. A huge part of me knew things weren't right before and i was hurting from it. It's still sad to know someone I love is in that situation but I don't think its my responsibility to save her nor does she expect it. This has gotten a bit long. Just working through the thoughts running through my head.

Midnightfrost

So I've heard from various people wondering what happened to mother. She sorta up and disappeared. I feel terribly guilty for being honest with them. I didn't go into too much detail just that she was picked up for a dui and the family would prefer her not bailed out. Then I talked to some family members. They're pretty crazy and they want phone numbers of my mum's friends so they can commiserate with them I guess. I danced around the subject. I'm not sure if that's me being controlling or what. Just seemed like an unkind thing. The friend of mum has also asked for their number. I guess I should hand it over. i just don't think either group is functional enough to do anything but gossip. But its probably not up to me. Of course the friend of mother has to let me know she thinks it would be supportive of me to show up to court and such. I don't think its any of her business. Mother hasn't asked for me so I was just going to stay out of it. She knows I want her to get well and I love her. And I know getting knee deep in her mess wouldn't be good for me. I don't think i should have to explain this to her alcoholic, barely functional friends. I think I'm feeling guilty, angry and frustrated. I'm frustrated that I don't have more supportive people to reach out too(except for sober recovery of course ). I guess that will come with time.

Wascally Wabbit

Your mom's friends probably mean well, but, MYOB comes to mind.
You just keep hanging in there doing what you need to do to keep yourself sane.

Ahimsa

I am not great around people I dont know well either, but I guess at some point in my life, all of my friends were strangers. I have actually never really said anything at an al-anon meeting, but I always feel better after I go. Sometimes someone says exactly what is going through my head, and it somehow makes me feel better, like I said it.

If you dont feel like you need to go to court, then don't go. You're right, the sober version of your mom knows that you love her, and that you want her to get better. Do whatever is best for your peace of mind. Not sure what to say about the friends and family gossip, I guess there isn't a lot you can do about it. Just glad that you are sticking strong with your own needs.

Midnightfrost

Appreciate all the support. Maybe alanon meetings are something to look at. I feel like I've got a decent support network and then something goes wrong and I feel alone. I don't know. I'm working on it. I'm looking into counseling through my work. There is a set number of sessions you can do before you need a diagnosis or anything. Think I'll try that perhaps the alanon as well. I'm a little worried I won't fit in there so well cause I'm not religious but more then one of the AA, NA friends have told me it won't matter. thanks for letting me vent and contradict myself and work through this. Sometimes just saying it or putting it on the screen makes it seems so much less overwhelming.

Ahimsa

When I first started going to Al-anon meetings I ordered a few books. After the first couple chapters I ran into a brick wall trying to decipher what "my higher power" meant to me. I have never been religious, and kind of felt like I couldn't go any further in my recovery until I "found God". Someone had a great reply when I asked about how other people handle the higher power topic...I"ll try to find it for you...