New to a different kind of recovery...
cunning. baffling. powerful.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 183
New to a different kind of recovery...
I haven't written about this on this forum because it's taken awhile for me to sort of ... figure out how I feel about it. I still haven't completely figured it out, but I'm getting there. It seemed like it was time to post.
About two and a half months ago I thought I had pulled a muscle in my left leg. It started hurting after a shift in the ER at the veterinary teaching hospital and I figured something had happened while I was working and it was no big deal.
Instead of getting better, it kept getting worse until I was literally crawling up the steps of our auditorium classroom at school to get to my seat. I'm talking unreasonably crazy pain for a pulled muscle, plus it was so tight that I couldn't even bend my knee. Finally I was like, "This sucks!" and made an appointment to see someone at student health for some muscle relaxers or something so I could bend my knee again and work the kinks out.
They took x-rays of my leg and clearly something was wrong with the muscles in my thigh so I was sent to the local ER. After a few more hours of tests I was admitted with necrotizing fascitiis (flesh eating bacteria). The CT scan and MRI showed abscesses. The surgeon came and told me in the morning they could amputate my leg or try the riskier leg saving proceedure.
I kind of like my leg (I need it to put in my left pant leg and stuff...) so I opted for the latter. Two surgeries later, I still have my leg, but with many of the muscles in my thigh removed. I have very little function left and it is a bit like a living prostetic. But it is my leg so that is good.
Before this I was very athletic and active. I have been a foil fencer since I was 12, all through my 20's I performed in amateur circus as an acrobat and juggler, and for about 8 or 9 years I lived in WA state and worked as a snowboard coach as well as competing part time. Being outdoors and active makes me feel good. Now that I'm in school living in the flat midwest I used to love taking walks. And I just bought a cheap motorcycle that I was really enjoying for the 2 weeks I got to ride it.
I'm having trouble adjusting to the changes in my life with this. I'm always on crutches or in a wheelchair - if I want to get somewhere faster I can't just "jog over there and do it" and just getting around presents a variety of obstacles and limitations. I have to deal with so many new changes from having to drive a different car to special equipment in my bathroom, to the fact that I need to have a home health aid come once aweek to help out with house chores that I can't do anymore. This isn't to mention the dumb things that people do and say like "I wish I could part in handicapped spots..." or "it must be cool not to have anyone expect anything of you anymore." or treating me like I'm ******** because I'm in a chair. Not only has my world changed, the way the world sees me has too.
The reason I'm writing this here rather than at "NewlyCrippledRecovery.com" is because I'm finding that the group that I can relate to best are not other handicapped people, but recovering alcoholics. (And there isn't a newlycrippledrecovery.com. Maybe there should be.) I find that the things that I read that are the most comforting and help me come to terms with this are my 24 hour a day books etc...
I was trying to figure out why this was and I realized a big issue I have is thinking about the permanence of this change and how it affects nearly everything from what kind of work I can do to how I will live in the future. If I think about it in terms of all the things I can't do ever again, it's completely overwhelming. I feel like in a sense I am in early sobriety where I hear things from people like "how will I have fun if I can't drink?", "what am I going to do on <fill in event here> if I can't have alcohol?", "You mean NEVER again?!", "but everybody around me can drink, why can't I?" Fill in drinking with "walking" and I've said or thought every single one of those things. I think I am "mourning the old me".
It's funny that when it came to alcohol, a lot of the AA stuff was really confusing to me, but when it comes to this, I get it. (I even "relapse". The other day I was studying with some people and when we finished, they all pulled back their chairs and stood up. I went to do the same and fell out of my wheelchair. I'd completely forgotten!)
It almost makes me want to go back to AA meetings just to sit in a room filled with people committed to idea that yes, everything is different now and no, it's not going to kill me, and that the best way to deal with it is to accept it and take it one day at a time.
It's really too bad I don't have a drinking problem...
~SK
About two and a half months ago I thought I had pulled a muscle in my left leg. It started hurting after a shift in the ER at the veterinary teaching hospital and I figured something had happened while I was working and it was no big deal.
Instead of getting better, it kept getting worse until I was literally crawling up the steps of our auditorium classroom at school to get to my seat. I'm talking unreasonably crazy pain for a pulled muscle, plus it was so tight that I couldn't even bend my knee. Finally I was like, "This sucks!" and made an appointment to see someone at student health for some muscle relaxers or something so I could bend my knee again and work the kinks out.
They took x-rays of my leg and clearly something was wrong with the muscles in my thigh so I was sent to the local ER. After a few more hours of tests I was admitted with necrotizing fascitiis (flesh eating bacteria). The CT scan and MRI showed abscesses. The surgeon came and told me in the morning they could amputate my leg or try the riskier leg saving proceedure.
I kind of like my leg (I need it to put in my left pant leg and stuff...) so I opted for the latter. Two surgeries later, I still have my leg, but with many of the muscles in my thigh removed. I have very little function left and it is a bit like a living prostetic. But it is my leg so that is good.
Before this I was very athletic and active. I have been a foil fencer since I was 12, all through my 20's I performed in amateur circus as an acrobat and juggler, and for about 8 or 9 years I lived in WA state and worked as a snowboard coach as well as competing part time. Being outdoors and active makes me feel good. Now that I'm in school living in the flat midwest I used to love taking walks. And I just bought a cheap motorcycle that I was really enjoying for the 2 weeks I got to ride it.
I'm having trouble adjusting to the changes in my life with this. I'm always on crutches or in a wheelchair - if I want to get somewhere faster I can't just "jog over there and do it" and just getting around presents a variety of obstacles and limitations. I have to deal with so many new changes from having to drive a different car to special equipment in my bathroom, to the fact that I need to have a home health aid come once aweek to help out with house chores that I can't do anymore. This isn't to mention the dumb things that people do and say like "I wish I could part in handicapped spots..." or "it must be cool not to have anyone expect anything of you anymore." or treating me like I'm ******** because I'm in a chair. Not only has my world changed, the way the world sees me has too.
The reason I'm writing this here rather than at "NewlyCrippledRecovery.com" is because I'm finding that the group that I can relate to best are not other handicapped people, but recovering alcoholics. (And there isn't a newlycrippledrecovery.com. Maybe there should be.) I find that the things that I read that are the most comforting and help me come to terms with this are my 24 hour a day books etc...
I was trying to figure out why this was and I realized a big issue I have is thinking about the permanence of this change and how it affects nearly everything from what kind of work I can do to how I will live in the future. If I think about it in terms of all the things I can't do ever again, it's completely overwhelming. I feel like in a sense I am in early sobriety where I hear things from people like "how will I have fun if I can't drink?", "what am I going to do on <fill in event here> if I can't have alcohol?", "You mean NEVER again?!", "but everybody around me can drink, why can't I?" Fill in drinking with "walking" and I've said or thought every single one of those things. I think I am "mourning the old me".
It's funny that when it came to alcohol, a lot of the AA stuff was really confusing to me, but when it comes to this, I get it. (I even "relapse". The other day I was studying with some people and when we finished, they all pulled back their chairs and stood up. I went to do the same and fell out of my wheelchair. I'd completely forgotten!)
It almost makes me want to go back to AA meetings just to sit in a room filled with people committed to idea that yes, everything is different now and no, it's not going to kill me, and that the best way to deal with it is to accept it and take it one day at a time.
It's really too bad I don't have a drinking problem...
~SK
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Wow, St. Kurt I can really understand how you can feel comfortable here with the issue you have to deal with. What you want to do is to be able to move forward. You're dealing with learning how to live among normal people, just like we are, and we face prejudice and ignorance frequently. You are unwilling to simply accept that this has happened to you and what is the reason for it, so are we. You have to learn a kind of new way of living from scratch, and so do we. And, it's scary. I think it's wonderful that you find comfort here, and that our kind of recovery can offer you some hope and peace during this difficult change in your life.
This is furthur evidence that the road to recovery can be shared by many people, with many different problems in life. We are all looking for some peace in our lives, acceptance and some joy.
This is furthur evidence that the road to recovery can be shared by many people, with many different problems in life. We are all looking for some peace in our lives, acceptance and some joy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Longmeadow, MA
Posts: 4
Dear Anna and St. Kurt
Anna your reply was so dead on. So many people in this world are dealing with challenges and struggles and the foundation of AA can be applied to so many areas of our lives. And change SUCKS, adjustment and acceptance is so very difficult. I guess with the many challenges I have had to deal with in life that some how there are things to be thankful for and to try and do what I can do to make things better and everything else is in the hands of my higher power. From both of your posts I feel that are both people of strong character and determination. Nice to meet you. Kimberly
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: CA Native
Posts: 2,509
Yeah, what Anna said!
Glad you posted. And just so you know, I have it on good authority that although you may never quite regain your old athletic prowess, you're going to keep improving on your ability to use that leg, and you aren't going to need crutches or much less a wheelchair at some point in the not too distant future
It is AMAZING how powerful the simple thought ODAAT really is, isn't it?
I think of it as a more natural way of thinking, because, back in the days of humans living in the caves, out on the plains, up in the trees, etc, that was ALL anyone thought about was RIGHT NOW. I just think that for many of us we have to get back to that simple thought processing to keep from freaking out and feeling like we have to self-medicate to relieve our fear of the future and things we can't control...
One day at a time. It truly IS magical!
Glad you posted. And just so you know, I have it on good authority that although you may never quite regain your old athletic prowess, you're going to keep improving on your ability to use that leg, and you aren't going to need crutches or much less a wheelchair at some point in the not too distant future
It is AMAZING how powerful the simple thought ODAAT really is, isn't it?
I think of it as a more natural way of thinking, because, back in the days of humans living in the caves, out on the plains, up in the trees, etc, that was ALL anyone thought about was RIGHT NOW. I just think that for many of us we have to get back to that simple thought processing to keep from freaking out and feeling like we have to self-medicate to relieve our fear of the future and things we can't control...
One day at a time. It truly IS magical!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: England
Posts: 1,733
Sorry to hear you have been through so much St Kurt,and through all that you still injected a bit of humour.Reckon from what you have written that you are definitely no quitter and will battle back as much as possible.Your story too is a reminder that we don't know what is around the corner and i wish you well and thanks for posting.
dshake
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: my room in ct.
Posts: 58,110
sk sk, just keep your insite, sence of humor, an positive outlook, and hopefully you never will...
what a inspiration you are sk
all good wishes...
xxoo
rz
It's really too bad I don't have a drinking problem...
what a inspiration you are sk
all good wishes...
xxoo
rz
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