Addicted to the addict
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 13
Addicted to the addict
Hi there,
So, it has been a little over a month since my axbf and i broke up, and to be perfectly honest, I feel like I'm in some sort of withdrawal. It occupies 85% of my thought time during the day and I can't really concentrate on much else, in part because I still need to find an apartment (I'm staying at a friend's place) so I'm dealing with the real consequences of our break-up every day. My cyclical thinking focuses less on the things that are worth missing about him, and more on the craziness of his behavior and my anger and sadness over being mistreated in such a cold, callous, and unempathatic way. We've had no real contact since we broke up, and given that there was very little processing that happened, I'm left with all of these strong feelings without anything to really do about them. I'm sure this is something like what happens when addicts quit their substance -- they spend all of their time thinking about their substance and their relationship with it. In a way, I'm really jealous of him -- he has the ability, as an A, to self-medicate all of his feelings about this, so I'm left holding all of the pain, all of the anger, and all of the sadness for the two of us. Any suggestions from those of you that have been there?
So, it has been a little over a month since my axbf and i broke up, and to be perfectly honest, I feel like I'm in some sort of withdrawal. It occupies 85% of my thought time during the day and I can't really concentrate on much else, in part because I still need to find an apartment (I'm staying at a friend's place) so I'm dealing with the real consequences of our break-up every day. My cyclical thinking focuses less on the things that are worth missing about him, and more on the craziness of his behavior and my anger and sadness over being mistreated in such a cold, callous, and unempathatic way. We've had no real contact since we broke up, and given that there was very little processing that happened, I'm left with all of these strong feelings without anything to really do about them. I'm sure this is something like what happens when addicts quit their substance -- they spend all of their time thinking about their substance and their relationship with it. In a way, I'm really jealous of him -- he has the ability, as an A, to self-medicate all of his feelings about this, so I'm left holding all of the pain, all of the anger, and all of the sadness for the two of us. Any suggestions from those of you that have been there?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
All of us have been there! Seriously, what you are describing is something all of us go thru when we've finally had enough and leave. We all follow the same patterns simply because that is the normal human reaction.
I went into thereapy right after I left to deal with the range of feelings that I was going thru and founf it very helpful. I learned how to deal with the emotions in a healthy manner and how to move on from the negative aspects.
I went into thereapy right after I left to deal with the range of feelings that I was going thru and founf it very helpful. I learned how to deal with the emotions in a healthy manner and how to move on from the negative aspects.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
The great part of it is you are out of the storm with him.
The down side is you now continue to whip up your own.
What happens with your life now is totally up to you, you now have ALL the power.
The times you stress and feel bad are great times to get to a ALANON meeting.
You have to stay busy and focus on yourself now.
The down side is you now continue to whip up your own.
What happens with your life now is totally up to you, you now have ALL the power.
The times you stress and feel bad are great times to get to a ALANON meeting.
You have to stay busy and focus on yourself now.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by gabenyc 
so I'm left holding all of the pain, all of the anger, and all of the sadness for the two of us. Any suggestions from those of you that have been there?
It's simple, but it ain't easy.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Gabe, I think you're spot-on in comparing it to withdrawal from a drug. At least it was for me. There was a strong chemical element to my relationship, endorphins or whatever it was, and it took a while to feel normal again.
What helped a lot -- took a great leap -- was normalizing my life. Finding my own place that I could start crafting the way I wanted it to be, focusing on my own work in this life, adding in a few things that I'd always wanted to do but had always found an excuse not to give myself (certain workshops, working with a coach or therapist, learning a new sport, etc.) just to keep my mind and body busy.
It's hard not to reach for the drug (relationship) instead. I think it's normal to have lots of thoughts of him. You're still only partially rebuilt, like a building missing a wall or two. It's harder to keep him out until you're on your way to something better.
But once you're healed, you're stronger and wiser and happier.
You might start by identifying the core of what you miss about having that relationship, and being truthful with yourself about it. Was it the affection? The physical contact? The drama/adventure? Not being alone? Intellectual stimulation? Laughter?
These are all things that you can build more of in your current life. Sometimes, it's helpful to think of it that way, just to help things along.
Take care of yourself, and give it a little time.
GL
What helped a lot -- took a great leap -- was normalizing my life. Finding my own place that I could start crafting the way I wanted it to be, focusing on my own work in this life, adding in a few things that I'd always wanted to do but had always found an excuse not to give myself (certain workshops, working with a coach or therapist, learning a new sport, etc.) just to keep my mind and body busy.
It's hard not to reach for the drug (relationship) instead. I think it's normal to have lots of thoughts of him. You're still only partially rebuilt, like a building missing a wall or two. It's harder to keep him out until you're on your way to something better.
But once you're healed, you're stronger and wiser and happier.
You might start by identifying the core of what you miss about having that relationship, and being truthful with yourself about it. Was it the affection? The physical contact? The drama/adventure? Not being alone? Intellectual stimulation? Laughter?
These are all things that you can build more of in your current life. Sometimes, it's helpful to think of it that way, just to help things along.
Take care of yourself, and give it a little time.
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
P.S. gabe, I really liked therapy. I had a counselor who helped me sort through everything, tweak some things about my life, just make it clearer and better overall. No couch, no freudian anything, just talking and clarifying. It was one of the greatest gifts I ever gave myself. Just a few sessions and I started feeling like a new person. Maybe because someone was listening?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in the present moment
Posts: 2,060
after an emotional ending, I usually go thru what I call a relationship detox.
Detox of any variety is comprised of 2 parts:
first part is removal (of offender)
second part is the active re-nourishing of the core need
both parts are usually simultaneous to some degree, but its helpful for me to be conscious of what each phase feels like: Is this pain/sadness/depression the feeling of letting him go? Is older sadness and loneliness coming up to consciousness as it is leaving my body, so that it can be healed? What does my body and whole self truly need? what is the source of my feeling safe and connected?
To me, its to my higher power. I find reconnecting daily a source of nourishment.
I also usually do some good things for myself, and get out and stay active.
Hope that this may be useful for you, too/ Good luck~
Detox of any variety is comprised of 2 parts:
first part is removal (of offender)
second part is the active re-nourishing of the core need
both parts are usually simultaneous to some degree, but its helpful for me to be conscious of what each phase feels like: Is this pain/sadness/depression the feeling of letting him go? Is older sadness and loneliness coming up to consciousness as it is leaving my body, so that it can be healed? What does my body and whole self truly need? what is the source of my feeling safe and connected?
To me, its to my higher power. I find reconnecting daily a source of nourishment.
I also usually do some good things for myself, and get out and stay active.
Hope that this may be useful for you, too/ Good luck~
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
All breakups hurt....but I remember the physical symptoms of the emotional pain. I know how you feel...this too will pass. Make yourself do at least on thing ea. day that brings you pleasure and takes your mind off of "it"
I have learned to stop looking at any one else's part in my life, misery, situation, etc
and look at my own part. That is where I can grow, change and have control over.
Pain has been my best teacher in the past couple of yrs. Take the time to learn your lessons. (((((GabeNYC)))))
I have learned to stop looking at any one else's part in my life, misery, situation, etc
and look at my own part. That is where I can grow, change and have control over.
Pain has been my best teacher in the past couple of yrs. Take the time to learn your lessons. (((((GabeNYC)))))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Time my friend will make you strong, i first posted here about 5 months ago, same as you left holding the hurt and the pain. My addiction was him and still is to some extent, i jumped on and off the rollercoaster so many times always getting hurt that in the end whatever it was that i was addicted to began to whither away, i started to look at my ab with different eyes no longer did I feel like I would die without him, i no longer desired him or longed for him (when he was sober even) which means that my addiction is getting better; unlike the alcoholic in my life.
Mair
Mair
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