tollbooth

I realise that I'm responsible for my alanon program. But how have you gone about asking someone to be your sponsor?

Should it be someone who has worked all 12 steps, considering that I have not begun to work all of them myself?

Does having a sponsor require mutual support? If I am still in the earliest steps, would my lack of experience be seen as a negative to a sponsor? Less of a two-way street?

And what about contacting the sponsor if they are living with an active A. Couldnt this cause conflict for the sponsors' relationship, especially if their A was still in denial?

Interested in hearing how you asked someone, or if you yourself are a sponsor? Thx.

DesertEyes

I've been thru a few sponsors over the years. Here's what works for me.

The purpose of a sponsor is to have _at least_ one person in your recovery who has recently overcome the challenges that you are currently wrestling with. In this manner the sponsor can speak from experience as to what resources of the program were helpful and which were not. A sponsor is someone who can say "I did that and this is how it worked for me" and "I used to feel that way, and it was because I have a shortcoming in .... " A sponsor is someone who has the serenity that you want for yourself, and that you will learn from by following their _example_, not their words.

Here's how I pick a sponsor.

- Listen carefuly to what people say in meetings, especially listen to the _tone_ of their voice. Are they happy with their life? Are they serene in spite of problems that life throws at them? Do they mention the friendships they have in the program? Do they have a sponsor of their own with whom they share their worries?

- Pick half a dozen people from your meetings that seem to have the kind of serenity you want for yourself.

- Ask each one out to coffee _several_ times and ask them how the program is working in their lives.

- Pick each one of the six and invite them to _your_ home for coffee, and keep listening to what they say about their program.

- By the time you've done the above you will have six new friends in your life, and you will know which one you like best to be your sponsor.

My sponsor is a guy who's been married to the same lady _Forty_ years. They've been thru all the hardships of life together and never quit bettering themselves. They have the kind of relationship I hope to have some day. They _never_ give me advice. They don't have to, they _show_ me how to live life according to the principles of our program. I've been with them when one of their kids got married, when a son in law was burried, when she had heart surgery, when they were both unemployd, when they were both working too many hours to catch up on the bills. I have _seen_ how they handle life, and from them I have learned how to handle mine.

I have a good lady friend with whom I've become very close. She's driven me to doctors apointment when I was too sick, she's been there for me when I was too sick from my heart to care for myself. I've been there for her when her husband passed, when her kids were a handful, helped her with her house, her finances, her car. Her sponsor is married to my sponsor, so she calls me her "brother", cuz she says I am the brother she never had. I call her "sis", cuz she's like the sister I never had. We check out each others dates, and she refused to accept her fiancee's proposal until after I had checked him out.

All of this and more is what having a sponsor has done for me. It has made me become part of a "family" of people that are helping each other get thru the trials of life.

That's not _your_ problem. That's your sponsor problem to decide how to handle. That's the first lesson of sponsorship in al-anon, that you don't have to make decisions for your sponsor

Yup, I gotta guy who I officially sponsor. We get together on the weekends and just hang out. He's a really cool dude, retired cop, and we haven't figured it out yet but he just might have been one of the guys used to chase me around L.A., some 30 years ago * lol *

Mike