gns

I am trying to see the things that were unhelathy in my relationship with my ex a little more clearly. What were some of the things in your relationships that seemed normal but really are not normal?

I realized recently that my ex-never really asked me how I was doing. I don't think he knows my favorite color, or my favorite food (he forever thought chocolate was my favorite dessert - not true) after 4 years. We would go to a museum and I would be curious what he thought about this and that. He would marginally listen if I talked, but was never interested in what makes me tick.

Recently I was flirting with a cute guy at work and realized in about 4-5 conversations, he never once asked anything about ME. He just talked about himself.

Wascally Wabbit

That's a good question. Actually, being from an alcoholic family then marrying in to it, I thought all of it was normal.
When I got some alanon under my belt, I began to see how really messed up my thinking was.
Was it normal to berate someone you "love"? Was it normal to beat someone you "love"? It was to me.
As much as I hated it, it was NORMAL.
My normal has changed. I no longer tolerate abuse of ANY kind towards myself.

daisies

OMG. Your post is making me realize that my AH is just as self-centered as all A's are. I thought you were talking about my AH. LOL.

A huge argument with my AH has been the fact that he has been too busy drinking the past 14 years to know who his spouse really is (me)and what makes me tick. I too wonder what a healthy relationship is like.

My AH does not know my fav color, food, music, etc. An example is the fact that he was helping me pack for a business trip and thought he was helping me out by bringing my son's watch to me and saying "here is your watch, dont forget it". I told him that it wasnt my watch and then said "Do you even know what kind of watch I wear?" He did not know that for the past 10 years I have been wearing the exact same Mickey Mouse watch!!!!!!!
Yes, that is not a healthy relationship.

I have had men sit next to me in various trainings, etc, that say they sat next to me because I wear a Mickey Mouse watch and thought I would have a fun personality. Go figure!!!!

There are men out there who will pay attention and listen to you.
I know what is unhealthy, time will help me figure out healthy.
Trust your gut.

CatsPajamas

I recently bought a book called the Total Idiots Guide to Healthy Relationships. I realized that I wanted a healthy relationship, but I didn't really know what one looked like. I can tell you what UNhealthy looks like, and I bet most of you can too!

Lately, I have been making my list again. The things I want in a partner, the things I don't want... must haves, deal breakers and things I would compromise on.

One of my main requirements is that a person's words and actions need to match up. I have spent too much time living in that awful place where a man told me one thing and did another.

Hugs
Cats

Godhelpme

Great question! I can mostly speak to what ISN'T a healthy relationship and can relate to what the others have said. My xAH didn't know much about me either -- even after 21 yrs of marriage. We were very disconnected, no surprise. That's how it is living with an active alcoholic.

I never again want to feel like a ghost in my own home.

~ghm

8675309

That is a great question, one I have been thinking about lately too. I know what a healthy relationship isn't so for me if I see the signs of what it isn't, I will retreat. I can only imagine what a healthy relationship is. One where the other takes an interest in you, what you are saying and gives respect. One where your feelings, wants, and needs are taken into consideration. One that is not selfish but a relationship of mutual giving, a relationship where fun actually happens, one with laughter. Also, one with honesty. Wow, maybe I'm dreaming, does something like that really exist?

lostmdboy

When I was drinking I tried to convince my self that was normal. I now know that was wrong. When you find out let me know. I am just trying not to hurt anyone today.

GiveLove

Yes, it does. And that's all you should settle for!

I love Cats' book....I think it should be required reading for all of us codies. Especially ACoAs....it took years for me to piece together what a healthy relationship should look like FOR ME. It's all individual, remember.

Think of it this way: each of our lousy experiences contributes to the list you should be building of what you want & need out of a romantic relationship. You just need to put it in the "Won't Tolerate" column. And don't.

Personally, I know my husband couldn't tell someone what my favorite dessert is or what kind of watch I wear (none) but he knows when to put down the paper or the TV remote and just hug me silently when he sees what kind of day I've had. And he remembers to always say "Thanks" when I cook us a meal, and shows me the pretty rocks he found while he was hiking. That kind of thing is far more important to me.

One thing ACoAs like me tend to do: We hang out with people who are damaged like us, reasoning that these are the only people who can accept us as we are.

They (I) don't see that they're not learning anything about being in healthy relationships by being around someone who has ALSO never had the experience. When I started forcing myself to be around more people who had their heads screwed on straight, and didn't come from alcoholic/addict/messed up backgrounds, I started being able to see what a healthy relationship looked like. Once you get over the sensation that people like that are boring because they don't have a trail of tragedy behind them, it really starts to feel good.

Anyway....it's fun to start a list of the traits we're looking for in a healthy relationship -- remember to put YOUR contributions in there too. This is a two way street. It's an enlightening exercise!

XOXOX
GL

LaTeeDa

I agree with GL. Healthy relationships do exist and you can have one! One of the things I read many moons ago on this site was that you should make a list of the traits you want in a partner. What kind of person would you want in a healthy relationship? Get all those traits (honesty, openess, sense of humor, physical health, whatever) down on paper. Once your list is complete, you have a road map of things to work on in yourself. Yep, I said yourself. Like attracts like, so in order to find that ideal someone, you have to be that person first.

Try it, it works.

L

mushroom

Boy am I an expert in unhealthy relationships. Healthy ones, no direct experience there. here's some things I picked up from previous relationships:

If he gets angry when he finds out you like a musician he hates, or voted for someone he didn't.

If he says, You're the only one for me., we were made for each other. What, 3 billion women in the world, and only ONE is the right one for you?? What are the chances, statistically, of meeting that ONE in 3 billion??

If he won't discuss or argue with you. Caving in, or expecting you to, are unhealthy. Both parties should expect to discuss conflicts and come up with compromises.

Mishandling responsibility. Either shirking it or taking it all on. Someone who takes on all the responsibility is probably trying to buy your love because he has poor self esteem. Someone who dumps it all on you is looking for a mommy, not a partner.

If he doesn't listen when you talk, doesn't ask questions that aren't demands, tries to fix all your problems when all you want is to vent, brushes off your problems and complaints and unhappinesses.

Oh here's a good one: if he ever says, "Why can't you be like other women?"

If he allows you to 'fix' him, or treat him like a little boy.

If he gets too personal too fast - I'm sorry, but I'm not sharing my menstrual history with male coworkers. Or if he tries to portray himself as being so knowledgeable about women's issues and sympathetic towards womens' problems. Sorry guys but until you've lived it you have no clue, and trying to pretend you do just makes you look foolish. How can I not laugh out loud when same male coworker tries to discuss the spiritual awakening women experience in childbirth??? I won't tell you what being kicked in the balls feels like, you don't tell me what childbirth is like.

If he's judgmental about other people for no real reason, or makes racist or sexist or anti-semitic remarks, or ridicules people.

If he's a know-it-all and tries to impress you with how much he knows. This goes over real well when I have some guy trying to tell me about something he doesn't realize I'm more knowledgeable in than he is - like mushroom identifications!

Inability to control temper. Lashing out at the world. Being indifferent to animals or children, or too wrapped up in them. Following professional sports, or news, or pop media. Correcting you when you say something he disagrees with. Letting you correct him. Telling you you can't do things because he doesn't want to go with you. Watching too much tv, or playing video games, or being plugged into the iPod rather than living life.

Wow! See, I told you I'm an expert in unhealthy relationships! And yes, I am working on not doing the things I don't like done to me.

luvmyfurbabies

Just last week, I told my AH that for once I would like to live a "Normal" life. His response...."Well, I think that the last 12 years have been pretty normal". I said, "It is not "Normal" to drink everyday. Most normal people don't". The thing is, I don't think either one of us actually has a clue about a normal relationship, although I'm learning and growing and he isn't. That's a bad thing for him. I can see myself outgrowing him.

denny57

I realized I have plenty of healthy relationships - with the friends, male and female, I have brought into my life. Even though I thought AH and I were friends, we were not. He was like no other "friend" I had. So I had to do the work figuring out why I made my romantic relationship/marriage so different from my other friendships.

prodigal

Normal? To some degree, "normal" is a subjective term. However, I believe the crucial element each partner must bring into a relationship for it to have any chance of being considered normal is honesty with oneself. I have to be honest about who I am, work on issues I feel need correcting or improvement, and be comfortable with myself.

Not a chance of that happening when attempting to relate with an active addict ....

chrisea

I have wondered the same thing... I ~ maybe ~ have seen and heard about these healthy relationships, but haven't ever been in one. My X dry AH, didn't know my fav color, music, likes of any thing... The past xabf, taught me, that I may not be in a happy healthy relationship... But until and if I ever am, I'm happy & at peace, with myself and that was a long time learning that valuable lesson...

ghilend

how will i know what that looks like. i try to find joy in certain things. satisfaction more than joy really. living with an AH is mundane. i just am happy when i keep up. i find myself thinking sometimes, when i hear others talk about an outing, a vacation, visiting with friends, family occasions. i've become even more of a home-body out of habit. my heart yearns for certain things but first i need to keep things in order. wish i could provide more of an answer. but i am seeking one too.

pineapple2007

Thank you for this topic. It is something I am trying to figure out and I am confused most of the time

Now that I am forcing myself to be around healthy people, I am having a hard time figuring out if they are compatiable with Me... they could come from a good back ground, healthy family, solid job, education, is respectful, etc... but their personality FEELS like it is lacking something.

I am confused because I dont know if is it the "Crazy-ness" my ex's had (you know, that stuff that always made us excited) that is lacking... or the person really doesn't click with me (because not all people will click with you). I am constantly questioning myself "What is missing? Is it the crazy-ness or is this person generally boring!?"
It's so hard....

I guess my questions is, How do you know if a healthy person is truly boring or if the boringness is coming from the lack of having the "trail of tragedy"(like GiveLove explained)...that is making them boring...?

I don't know if you guys understand this.. I hope I explained it clearly...
Any advice is appreciated...

jopenn

yes what is normal how do i help my recovering a. jp