queenteree

Last night when he got home he didn’t appear to be intoxicated, so I didn’t call the police. He brought me home dinner (I didn’t eat it though). But then he was just sitting on the steps for a while. I had to ask “can I help you w/something?” He said “no, I’m just sitting in the common area.” I said “OK, suit yourself.” Then he proceeds to tell me how he can’t forgive me for doing this to him, to have police involved, courts involved, that he’s never had anything on his record before and now all this. I said “it’s of your doing, I had to do what I had to do.” He said “well you pushed it too far this time Ter, it’s over between us, you just pushed it too far.” I said “ok, I’m glad we’re in agreement, you’ve pushed it to far w/your drinking and attitude and if you feel I pushed it to far in what I’ve did, call the divorce lawyer, I thought you were meeting w/him tonite anyway.” He told me the lawyer was his PI lawyer (who knows nothing about matrimonial BTW). So, I go in the LR and he keeps sitting on the steps, then he comes in and says “you know, I could forgive you and let this whole thing go and work things out with you if you if you would just accept the fact that I’m going to continue drinking.” I said “well I’m not accepting that in my life, so I guess we’ll just move on and don't think for a minute I won't call the police if you are drunk and harassing me.” He said “OK, but thanks a lot cause I’m going to be put in jail next week when I have to submit my urine sample.” I said “why do you think that?” He said “cause I’m not going to stop drinking.” I said “well that’s your choice then to drink and fail the test and go to jail, not mine.” Then he says “what would you like me to do, Ter?” I said “go upstairs and go to sleep.” Then comes how he wishes he would go to sleep and never wake up, he's tired of it all, etc. blah blah blah. I just continued to watch TV. End of conversation, I watched TV and got some rest. I know I should not have engaged in any conversation, and had any harassment ensued, I would have called the police, but I kinda wanted to know who his matrimonial lawyer is (so I can look them up – I work for attorneys – and find out how good they are and what I’m up against) and feel out his MO. Funny thing is, if you read everyone else’s posts on this forum who is leaving or has left their A, all the A’s have the same lines, and I feel sorry for the people who live w/A’s who don’t know this board, and actually believe them. Let’s see what tonite brings.

denny57

I don't have to, I choose to. I'm the only one who knows why I do what I do.

parentrecovers

BINGO!

sorry you're going through this...hugs, k

Pick-a-name

Well.....sounds like the "talk" we had before exAH proceeded with divorce. It is sad,but I guess in a way it is a kind of "closure" of sorts. My ex finally said he never stopped drinking (kids and I had been living separately for several years) and he never would (my problem is that I never believed him or wanted to believe him). I would not live with it and he would not live without it. Neither one of us "wanted" it to come to this (the third "option" did not seem an option to AH).

Glad that it seems that the "steam" went out of your husband. Sorry that it has come down to all this for you and him........and all of us here.

Take care.

Rella927

QT sorry that you are going through this!

IMHO you did was right for yourself and that is what matters here and yes they all pretty much are predictable with using the same tactics.

Be proud of yourself and be gentle with yourself-

Sending positive energy towards you!

GiveLove

Only an alcoholic can make logical sense out of:

I drink and refuse to stop drinking --> therefore I fail a urine test --> therefore it's all your fault.

Glad you're keeping your head screwed on straight, Teri.

hopeangel

ter - first i am soo happy i could jump for joy that you are finally doing the right thing and standing up for yourself

"Then he proceeds to tell me how he can’t forgive me for doing this to him, to have police involved, courts involved, that he’s never had anything on his record before and now all this. I said “it’s of your doing, I had to do what I had to do.” He said “well you pushed it too far this time Ter, it’s over between us, you just pushed it too far."

WAKE UP CALL - i was talking to ah the other day and these were his words - as far as the physical and emotional abuse that has happened in our relationship " it NEVER happened because there has never been a police report and the police have NEVER been called" now, who is responsible for that? - I AM because I have never called the police and he has never had to be accountable for his actions and has never had to take responsibility for them and probably never will. he will go on doing the same thing - another woman could get hurt because i didn't take a stand.

i told him that he was going to have to start respecting me - his reply "why??? i never had to before"

THIS IS THE REALITY. good job calling the cops ter!!! you did the right thing period.

LaTeeDa

Or:

My behavior is legally unacceptable--> therefore the police and courts are involved--> therefore YOU went too far.



L

queenteree

Actually kinda pathetically twisted, isn't it?????

Buffalo66

I know these conversations all too well. I am to blame because HE attacked me?

I am to blame for being the only one in this outfit who is willing to face the heat and the pain of the truth of HIS addiction? It is adding insult to injury. It is INSANITY.

You are doing the right thing. My sober, recovered A friend(35years) told me that when an alcoholic or addict lives his/her life the way they want, and they feel justified, and they hurt people...We as loved ones can only protect ourselves as best we can, and then when they become a big enough problem for society, SOCIETY puts the pressure on them. They break rules of human boundaries, and they have to be dealt with. It is out of your hands. If you hadnt called the police, he would have driven drunk, gotten into an alteracation... Some how he would be faced withy his inability to conform to being a person in our world who doesnt harm others with his actions.

Just for your sake, know that I didnt even call the police on mine. The neighbors did. He has been incarcerated for assault in bars 2x before. HE STILL SAYS it is ME!!!

It is hard to always be the one who is rising above. It is hard to keep trying to hold it together, and then they blame you on top of it. I honestly dont know how they sleep at night, OH, wait...they get loaded and dont have to feel it all, mine just passes out, I guess...

I am sending you support. B66

miss communicat

terree

insanity does get old after a long time, doesn't it?

I remember ending an abusive alcoholic marriage (20 years ago) (before SR) and would go crazy with the conversations. Just apoplectic trying to stay sane with a nutter.

honestly, I think if I had listened to MYSELF, and counted how many times I used the word "he", I would have seen how far off my own center I'd gone. As a result of giving all my power to him, all of my vital life force was leaking into his life, his brain, his feelings, his next move, because i was untrusting of my own strength to survive on my own, I ended up being the persecuted victim of him twice over. By what he said and did, and by what i said and did to myself.

Its good to see you withdrawing your own energy from his insanity.

persevere. It will get better.

minnie

Of course he does!!! Because the chickens are coming home to roost and he don't like that. Just remember the concept of projection - often when an unhealthy person makes accusations etc, they are really talking about themselves i.e. that he knows HE pushed it too far this time.

You handled the exchange really well. Why, though, did you not just leave him be on the steps? Then, perhaps there wouldn't have been an exchange to deal with at all.

Did you you read my post on the other thread? Plough your own furrow, hon, and let him plough his. Trying to figure out his MO is just fuel to the drama fire. Serenity is your goal, no?

queenteree

Yes, Minnie, as usual, you are right!!! A's don't even know their own MO. Thanks for the reminder (be patient w/me though, I'm doing baby steps LOL).

parentrecovers

you going to alanon meetings, qt? good time to double up

Impurrfect

QT -

I just wanted to say that I think you have made a LOT of progress since you started posting. Baby steps are GREAT and it's the only thing most of us can start with. So, you engaged in conversation with him - you STILL stood your ground, didn't drag it out. Next time, maybe you'll just let him sit on the steps and talk to himself.

I'm proud of you!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

laurie6781

QT you have come a very long way since you first arrived here!!!!!!!

You did good last night, but please, please do not let your guard down for one second, stay on the alert....................................last night may have just been a little calm before the real storm is to begin.

He, as you have surmised, is not ready to give up the booze and now that you have gotten the court involved he will continue to blame you and drink and blame and drink, and we all know what that does to a practicing alkies moods and actions, sure wasn't good for mine all those years ago.

Please keep your cell phone and keys with you at all times.

Keep posting you know we care and please stay safe.

Love and hugs,

ARealLady

A's don't even know their own MO.

I need to keep remembering that and then maybe the threats stay just threats.

ARL

Wascally Wabbit

Oh the TON of manipulation I see here. He's trying EVERYTHING to control you.
But, you don't fall for it. That's so awesome! I am very proud of you.

I used to listen to the same things all the time. Even the threats of suicide. He's still alive and it's 20 years later.
Stay strong.

guineapigjude

Amazing. It's everything but the booze. You are doing great! Stay safe and be good to yourself ~ you deserve it!

kglast

QT - my XAF too, has said he does not intend to ever stop drinking....so the options are, i deal with it (NOT AN OPTION) or I move on....trying like hell to do that. slipped a bit last month and trying to get back on track...hopefully I will emerge stronger than before...