Son took off
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Smiths Falls, Ontario
Posts: 3
Son took off
Well my son came home last week after being missing for 5 days, his Dad and I were going crazy not knowing if he was alive or dead. He was full of remorse and told us he had been in detox, so once again we let him stay. I thought he was doing so well he helped around the house, there was no arguments; he even took his son out last night trick or treating. Then I come home from work tonight to his Dad walking down the road looking for him. He has disappeared again only this time along with him is a generator his Dads work tools wedding ring, and bank card. I now have an empty bank account except for $11.00. and today was payday. I know I should not be saying all this but just need to say it to someone anyone. I just cannot understand how he could do this to us. Believe me we have tried. I am now afraid to go to work tomorrow in case he comes back while I am not here. I know deep down that I have to tell him that he is not welcome here anymore, but as his Mother I just don’t know if I can do that. It would just kill me if anything happened to him. Sorry for going on but I am hoping that putting it in writing will somehow help me.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Believe it or not, this is a place we can come and tell anything we want to.
I frequently do!! And, just posting and getting helpful responses can made a huge difference in making my day go better.
What you explained happes a lot. It is so sad to see our children like this. I have a son in a halfway house who's finally doing ok.
I know the fear of "what's going to happen to him". As a parent, it is heartwrenching to see them suffer. I had to come to the cold hard fact that everytime I helped him, I was actually making it worse!
Now, I push him to make it on his own. It's totally his decision, not mine, what he does with his life.
I pray for him all the time.
I am sorry you have to go through this.
Have you been to alanon? If you haven't , I really recommend you go. You will meet people who can help you through this.
Keep posting. It will help.
Take care of yourself too.
I frequently do!! And, just posting and getting helpful responses can made a huge difference in making my day go better.
What you explained happes a lot. It is so sad to see our children like this. I have a son in a halfway house who's finally doing ok.
I know the fear of "what's going to happen to him". As a parent, it is heartwrenching to see them suffer. I had to come to the cold hard fact that everytime I helped him, I was actually making it worse!
Now, I push him to make it on his own. It's totally his decision, not mine, what he does with his life.
I pray for him all the time.
I am sorry you have to go through this.
Have you been to alanon? If you haven't , I really recommend you go. You will meet people who can help you through this.
Keep posting. It will help.
Take care of yourself too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
I am so sorry you are going through this and I wish there was something to say to explain it or make sense of it...I know there isn't because someone would have said it by now to me....
your son has pushed you to the point of no return...the stealing and lying won't stop until you stop it by no longer accepting it ....
there are many here at SR that will tell you to call the police and I know it is good advice....
I was never able to do it (I just couldn't) but I will say that my son (who now lives in a sober house) once asked me why I never did....
seems he half expected it and would not have been surprised...(he knew many addicts whose parents did have the courage to take that action)
anyway, I didn't but I did make him leave the house by taking him to a shelter and I know how hard that was...
you will need to define your boundaries and decide what you can live with...only you can make that decision but whatever you do decide you need to take steps to protect your home and valuables....
my heart breaks for you and I will keep you in my prayers
your son has pushed you to the point of no return...the stealing and lying won't stop until you stop it by no longer accepting it ....
there are many here at SR that will tell you to call the police and I know it is good advice....
I was never able to do it (I just couldn't) but I will say that my son (who now lives in a sober house) once asked me why I never did....
seems he half expected it and would not have been surprised...(he knew many addicts whose parents did have the courage to take that action)
anyway, I didn't but I did make him leave the house by taking him to a shelter and I know how hard that was...
you will need to define your boundaries and decide what you can live with...only you can make that decision but whatever you do decide you need to take steps to protect your home and valuables....
my heart breaks for you and I will keep you in my prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so sorry this has happened. it is not your fault. you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. you do not deserve to be treated like this. i know the pain he has caused & i hate it for you.i am also the mom of an addict son & i will tell u it will not get any better untill he wants it too. my son has been on crack for 13yrs. he treats me with respect because i demand it & he knows i will not take or listen to his crap anymore. it is not about what they want,it is about us. set your boundries or he will keep on taking from you if he does not pay consequences for it. i am sorry he has done this.i will say a pray for you,your husband & your son. i am glad you found us. we r here for you. let us know how u r..hugs, hope
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR, but sorry you're going through this.
A lot more moms will be along with their ES&H (experience, strength & hope), but you will find most of them have been where you're at, some several times.
I'm a recovering addict, and I can tell you that he's not going to get better until the consequences outweigh what he sees as benefits (using). I live with my dad and stepmom (but pay rent and have a job) and I know that if I use, I'm out the door. Luckily, I never got to the point where I stole anything, but I'm sure I would have if I hadn't been forced to deal with my consequences.
My dad didn't know if I was dead or alive for 2 years, except when he would come to the town I lived in, find me and take me to lunch. I put him through hell, but he still would not have let me come home and continue to use. I am grateful to him for that. If I'd been given a nice, soft place to land every time I messed up, I would have never WANTED to stop using.
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
A lot more moms will be along with their ES&H (experience, strength & hope), but you will find most of them have been where you're at, some several times.
I'm a recovering addict, and I can tell you that he's not going to get better until the consequences outweigh what he sees as benefits (using). I live with my dad and stepmom (but pay rent and have a job) and I know that if I use, I'm out the door. Luckily, I never got to the point where I stole anything, but I'm sure I would have if I hadn't been forced to deal with my consequences.
My dad didn't know if I was dead or alive for 2 years, except when he would come to the town I lived in, find me and take me to lunch. I put him through hell, but he still would not have let me come home and continue to use. I am grateful to him for that. If I'd been given a nice, soft place to land every time I messed up, I would have never WANTED to stop using.
Hugs and prayers!!
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
What happened to you happened many times to me, and sadly it's what addicts do.
Keeping him in your home won't save him, you can't stand guard 24 hours a day.
Something that helped me when I had to ask my son to leave was to give him a list of "help" numbers...hostels, detox, rehabs, and NA meeting list and then say a prayer and leave him in God's hands.
It hurts a lot to be the mother of an addict, but as I was reminded earlier on another thread, we just may love them right into their grave.
Let him pay his consequences, let him learn his lesson, and maybe he'll learn how to reach out and find help when there is no more soft place to land.
Hugs
Keeping him in your home won't save him, you can't stand guard 24 hours a day.
Something that helped me when I had to ask my son to leave was to give him a list of "help" numbers...hostels, detox, rehabs, and NA meeting list and then say a prayer and leave him in God's hands.
It hurts a lot to be the mother of an addict, but as I was reminded earlier on another thread, we just may love them right into their grave.
Let him pay his consequences, let him learn his lesson, and maybe he'll learn how to reach out and find help when there is no more soft place to land.
Hugs
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
lindasknitting,
Do not worry about posting anything here, rant, rave, worry...however you feel. We're a nonjudgemental group here to support you.
As for your son, I'm sorry, but what he is doing is typical drug induced behavior.
They lie, steal, and manipulate.
When the day came when I knew my son would no longer be welcome here, I made a list of the shelters, and the mission, where he could stay for free. Although, they usually have "friends" where they can find a couch for a while.
You are helping your son by making him responsible for his actions.
Thinking of you,
I know it hurts,
Do not worry about posting anything here, rant, rave, worry...however you feel. We're a nonjudgemental group here to support you.
As for your son, I'm sorry, but what he is doing is typical drug induced behavior.
They lie, steal, and manipulate.
When the day came when I knew my son would no longer be welcome here, I made a list of the shelters, and the mission, where he could stay for free. Although, they usually have "friends" where they can find a couch for a while.
You are helping your son by making him responsible for his actions.
Thinking of you,
I know it hurts,
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You write that "deep down" you know you have to tell him he can't live there. It is time to get that thought to the surface and readyu on the tip of your tongue for the next time you hear from son. Bottom line for me is if I can't trust you, you steal one thing then you are not welcome here...period end of story. We do not have to accept the unacceptable. I know it is hard to believe but now you just have to take action to protect yourself. Along with the stealing as you know, comes the lies. It is just intolerable. Post here to rant, collectively we have strenght to help ea. other make the hard choices.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
:praying
So sorry for your pain. The pain of a mother being treated as our kids have treated us is so hard to understand. But, it is not our kids, it is the addicition and the drugs. Until he is clean w/ a clear head, he really doesn't care about anything else. I don't understand it as I care too much, but I have learned that is a common thought w/ addicts. The drugs run their life, even when they know it is wrong. My AD broke in and stole computer, printer, stereo etc and lied to my face. I filed charges, and her "friend" called and said they were going to beat her up and tell the police I did it so I would go to jail and loose my license. They will do ANYTHING when they are using. That's why I do better not watching the show!!!
You are in my thoughts and prayers, and remember what someone else her on SR told me...they are still in there (our kids) the addicition is what is see, but deep down, they are there. Don't loose hope, miracles happen everyday!
susan
So sorry for your pain. The pain of a mother being treated as our kids have treated us is so hard to understand. But, it is not our kids, it is the addicition and the drugs. Until he is clean w/ a clear head, he really doesn't care about anything else. I don't understand it as I care too much, but I have learned that is a common thought w/ addicts. The drugs run their life, even when they know it is wrong. My AD broke in and stole computer, printer, stereo etc and lied to my face. I filed charges, and her "friend" called and said they were going to beat her up and tell the police I did it so I would go to jail and loose my license. They will do ANYTHING when they are using. That's why I do better not watching the show!!!
You are in my thoughts and prayers, and remember what someone else her on SR told me...they are still in there (our kids) the addicition is what is see, but deep down, they are there. Don't loose hope, miracles happen everyday!
susan
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
I have called the cops before when my son stole prescription drugs and sold it. I found evidence on an instant message he left on my computer. (talk about a cry for help!) It was so hard! But it was so important. He is getting better now, not just because I called the cops, but then he went back to rehab and is now living in a halfway house. I guess the important thing is to set your boundaries and stick with them. As someone on here reminded me, these addicts are very resourceful. They have managed to find drugs and the money for them. They will be able to take care of themselves. Good luck with your decision.
krhea
krhea
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Smiths Falls, Ontario
Posts: 3
Still no word on were my son is but I know that he will turn up soon, dirty and sorry for what he did.
I just wanted to thank everyone for there replies it really does help knowing that you are not the only one going through this even though you would not wish this on your worst enemy. I am so glad that I have found this site. Once again thanks for the support it does help
.
I just wanted to thank everyone for there replies it really does help knowing that you are not the only one going through this even though you would not wish this on your worst enemy. I am so glad that I have found this site. Once again thanks for the support it does help
.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I know that I am late on welcoming you, but welcome to SR. Another mom here, addict daughter age 21. I just had lunch with my daughter two weeks ago. First time I have seen her since March. Mine has never lived at home during her addiction so I don't have any experience there. She lives with her crack addicted boyfriend. She asked once to come home but I had to say no when I realized that she was just looking for a handout. She knows that she can't live here and use and right now using is more important to her. Sending some hugs and prayers. Addicts do find ways to survive out there. Surprising how many "friends" they can find. Marle
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((linda))))
I am so sorry you and your H are going thru this....
Please don't feel bad for posting what is going on. We come here and share with people who do understand.
It is very difficult to know what to do when a loved one starts behaving like addicts do. It is loving to tell them to stay away it is not right for us to let them hurt us. When an addict is in their mode we have to understand that they will steal lie and cheat us if we allow them to be in our space.
Our instinct tells us to try and "help" them. If they are ripping us off they will just get more crafty at doing it as we try and stop them. It takes a lot of energy to try and second guess the addicts next move on our property and hearts. It is so hard to believe that they who love us would do such things. Don't they know it hurts us??? Yes they do but, they cannot stop because it is just too easy to take from us. They probably do wish we would stop them.
After a time we learn to separate the addict from our loved one we start looking at the behavior if we can protect ourselves from their behavior the very least it will do for them is that they are not hurting us. Not letting them have access to our property is good for us and good for them. It might make them think about what they are doing to themselves and it might not. We have to do it for us not them....
Take good care of you okay???
I am so sorry you and your H are going thru this....
Please don't feel bad for posting what is going on. We come here and share with people who do understand.
It is very difficult to know what to do when a loved one starts behaving like addicts do. It is loving to tell them to stay away it is not right for us to let them hurt us. When an addict is in their mode we have to understand that they will steal lie and cheat us if we allow them to be in our space.
Our instinct tells us to try and "help" them. If they are ripping us off they will just get more crafty at doing it as we try and stop them. It takes a lot of energy to try and second guess the addicts next move on our property and hearts. It is so hard to believe that they who love us would do such things. Don't they know it hurts us??? Yes they do but, they cannot stop because it is just too easy to take from us. They probably do wish we would stop them.
After a time we learn to separate the addict from our loved one we start looking at the behavior if we can protect ourselves from their behavior the very least it will do for them is that they are not hurting us. Not letting them have access to our property is good for us and good for them. It might make them think about what they are doing to themselves and it might not. We have to do it for us not them....
Take good care of you okay???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: NJ
Posts: 702
Linda,
Welcome and I too am sorry you had to join us. I am a mother of a recovering addict. I made my son leave my home,tried of the lying and stealing. I changed the locks on the door so I felt safe leaving the home. If you change the locks and he wants to come home, and you say yes, don't give him a key, and tell him he has to leave whenever you do. This way you could feel safer leaving, or if you say no you won't have to worry about him getting in and taking your things. If someone does call the police since you don't have proof it was him.
This a long painful road you are on, and my heart goes out to you,
Hugs from another mom to you
Welcome and I too am sorry you had to join us. I am a mother of a recovering addict. I made my son leave my home,tried of the lying and stealing. I changed the locks on the door so I felt safe leaving the home. If you change the locks and he wants to come home, and you say yes, don't give him a key, and tell him he has to leave whenever you do. This way you could feel safer leaving, or if you say no you won't have to worry about him getting in and taking your things. If someone does call the police since you don't have proof it was him.
This a long painful road you are on, and my heart goes out to you,
Hugs from another mom to you
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Hello, my daughter is the addict in my life. When I came here I was looking for ways to help my daughter..what I found was ways to help myself. At the time I wouldn't call her...an addict.. I called her a drug user. This site has helped me so much, like you said just known others have an are going through the same things helps. Plus there is GREAT advice here am wonderful support..not all the advice is the same but that's good cause it gives you lots of different ideas. Keep coming back the people here are great.
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