Mommy management-slippery slope
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Mommy management-slippery slope
Now that my prodigal son has returned home after being off the rails for 5 yrs. It is becoming increasingly obvious that he has some hardwire issues of which addiction is just one of the symptoms. He obviously has anxiety, panic attacks + depression.
He can jump from one enabler to the next for a long time...I have to be careful bec I am on a slippery slope here. I've organiz a therapist/psychatrist and he is going and he is consid meds which he wouldn't a few mos. ago. However, they most likely will be counter- productive bec he cont to drink. I know he needs HELP, I know he is not willing or capable of leading a productive life at this point. But my providing a soft place to fall will have to be temporary. I am already hiding my wine, wallet etc.
I know that he is not trustworthy and that is not acceptable. He has not taken anything yet...but it is just a matter of time bec he has not found employment and has no $$$$ God grant me the serenity and the courage to know the difference between the things I can change and those I can't. Mental illness seems to manifest itself in the late teens/early twenties. Adddiction in this situation is common. What is the future for him? I know it can't be from mommy management.
He can jump from one enabler to the next for a long time...I have to be careful bec I am on a slippery slope here. I've organiz a therapist/psychatrist and he is going and he is consid meds which he wouldn't a few mos. ago. However, they most likely will be counter- productive bec he cont to drink. I know he needs HELP, I know he is not willing or capable of leading a productive life at this point. But my providing a soft place to fall will have to be temporary. I am already hiding my wine, wallet etc.
I know that he is not trustworthy and that is not acceptable. He has not taken anything yet...but it is just a matter of time bec he has not found employment and has no $$$$ God grant me the serenity and the courage to know the difference between the things I can change and those I can't. Mental illness seems to manifest itself in the late teens/early twenties. Adddiction in this situation is common. What is the future for him? I know it can't be from mommy management.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Oh wow, that's a hard one bit when you mentioned hiding the wine and the wallet I got goosebumps just remembering that nightmare. It's so hard for them to diagnose anything when they are still using something, but I hope they figure it out and get him the help he needs for that. I'm hoping he gets the help he needs for the rest.
Sending big time codie prayers that Mommy Management has a very short duration.
Hugs
Sending big time codie prayers that Mommy Management has a very short duration.
Hugs
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
I am starting to keep score:
Team Mom- what I do to promote his recovery
Team Son- what he does to promote his recovery
If his team continues to get too far behind, I know that I have a problem too.
I'd settle for a tie game...am I getting too codie?
Team Mom- what I do to promote his recovery
Team Son- what he does to promote his recovery
If his team continues to get too far behind, I know that I have a problem too.
I'd settle for a tie game...am I getting too codie?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
I have a son that went from highschool into the Navy and came home with the idea he was a teenager again....not working, sleeping all day, drinking & partying all night.
After six months my husband told him it was time to move on ....get a job and his own place....he did get a job and a place to stay that same day. :chatter
The rest is a very sad story...he went to alcohol treatment several times, went to mental health for counseling, took meds for a short time...then went back to drugs & drinking...now he has no choices...he is confined to a wheel chair the rest of his life. He has to depend on others to help him, but not Mom & Dad except for some of his banking for him.
We both helped with listening and some suggestions when asked. He knew he was predispositioned for alcoholism and depression but quit the pills to drink. I have been sober for 19 years and at different times he went with me to AA. He has to over-analyize everything and try to get something for nothing to this day.
We love our son dearly and he is only 38 years old. Such a sad situation but he chose to do what he did. He tried suicide 5 years ago and is a quadraplegic..drunk and drove over a 150 foot cliff up in the hills. He gets benefits for non-service connected disability due to the fact he was depressed and treated in the Navy and also had a dirty UA for Pot.
I hope your son can find his way. I know you are in a very slippery place and it is so very hard to avoid the slippery places when our children are involved but the co-dependency is utterly wrong due to the fact it lets them keep on escaping reality and not able to get a real life.
Lots of Love,
Retiredmom
After six months my husband told him it was time to move on ....get a job and his own place....he did get a job and a place to stay that same day. :chatter
The rest is a very sad story...he went to alcohol treatment several times, went to mental health for counseling, took meds for a short time...then went back to drugs & drinking...now he has no choices...he is confined to a wheel chair the rest of his life. He has to depend on others to help him, but not Mom & Dad except for some of his banking for him.
We both helped with listening and some suggestions when asked. He knew he was predispositioned for alcoholism and depression but quit the pills to drink. I have been sober for 19 years and at different times he went with me to AA. He has to over-analyize everything and try to get something for nothing to this day.
We love our son dearly and he is only 38 years old. Such a sad situation but he chose to do what he did. He tried suicide 5 years ago and is a quadraplegic..drunk and drove over a 150 foot cliff up in the hills. He gets benefits for non-service connected disability due to the fact he was depressed and treated in the Navy and also had a dirty UA for Pot.
I hope your son can find his way. I know you are in a very slippery place and it is so very hard to avoid the slippery places when our children are involved but the co-dependency is utterly wrong due to the fact it lets them keep on escaping reality and not able to get a real life.
Lots of Love,
Retiredmom
StrivingToThrive
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 425
Spiritual Seeker,
big hugs for you also, You have always been there for me, and I hurt also with you.
It is hard when they seem to be doing okay and then you see signs that they might not be.
As a mom we never completely know how to be. What is mom behavior?
I had a counselor explain it to me in a Way that finally made since to me.
Addictive people react to life in an opposite way than non addicts.
When we are parenting a non-addict; helping is helping, encouragement is encouragement, and yeses are often okay, healthy, and helpful. For an addict; yeses, often do just the opposite. They enable the addictive behavior, are often not helping, not healthy for both people, and encourages the wrong behaviors.
He told me I will have to do things that at the core of my being will go against every mom instinct I have. But those instincts are for parenting a non-addict.
adding mental health issues on top of this has to be really tough for both of you.
It is a constantly tough call, only you know whats best for you and your child.
Hugs and prayers for you and your son,
love,
Cathy
big hugs for you also, You have always been there for me, and I hurt also with you.
It is hard when they seem to be doing okay and then you see signs that they might not be.
As a mom we never completely know how to be. What is mom behavior?
I had a counselor explain it to me in a Way that finally made since to me.
Addictive people react to life in an opposite way than non addicts.
When we are parenting a non-addict; helping is helping, encouragement is encouragement, and yeses are often okay, healthy, and helpful. For an addict; yeses, often do just the opposite. They enable the addictive behavior, are often not helping, not healthy for both people, and encourages the wrong behaviors.
He told me I will have to do things that at the core of my being will go against every mom instinct I have. But those instincts are for parenting a non-addict.
adding mental health issues on top of this has to be really tough for both of you.
It is a constantly tough call, only you know whats best for you and your child.
Hugs and prayers for you and your son,
love,
Cathy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: homebased
Posts: 408
I know what you are going through...
my son also has been diagnosed with mental health issues...dual diagnosis
(mental imbalance chemical abuse...MICA)
his self medicating led to the years of addiction and now complicate the treatment for his mental issues
he quickly can become addicted to the medicine being used to treat him and abuse follows shortly after
I understand how difficult it is to separate the concern/assistance that we would offer to any sick person from the enabling that fails to help any addict
all I can offer is to stay vigilant....I find myself mulling over many decisions trying to weigh the motive and outcome...
also go easy on your self...it is a slippery slope and we fall too (as they sometimes do...sigh)
my son also has been diagnosed with mental health issues...dual diagnosis
(mental imbalance chemical abuse...MICA)
his self medicating led to the years of addiction and now complicate the treatment for his mental issues
he quickly can become addicted to the medicine being used to treat him and abuse follows shortly after
I understand how difficult it is to separate the concern/assistance that we would offer to any sick person from the enabling that fails to help any addict
all I can offer is to stay vigilant....I find myself mulling over many decisions trying to weigh the motive and outcome...
also go easy on your self...it is a slippery slope and we fall too (as they sometimes do...sigh)
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
(((SS))) I think you are doing well. Awareness and Acceptance are two things I had to have before I could take any Action.
Funny, in the heat of things, I never knew my kids had any mental issues at all... but today, both kids are on anti-depressants and son is also on ADD meds. I am on antidepressants as is my sister.
All of us are alcoholic/addict.
I am still not sure which came first the chicken or the egg... but I do know things are better for each of us since we added some gentle medication.
I wish your son the very best and prayers going up for clarity and comfort for both of you.
((hugs))
Funny, in the heat of things, I never knew my kids had any mental issues at all... but today, both kids are on anti-depressants and son is also on ADD meds. I am on antidepressants as is my sister.
All of us are alcoholic/addict.
I am still not sure which came first the chicken or the egg... but I do know things are better for each of us since we added some gentle medication.
I wish your son the very best and prayers going up for clarity and comfort for both of you.
((hugs))
get it, give it, grow in it
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Thank you. I am in awe of our collective wisdom and the power of our group strength.
I have even come to believe in the power of prayer.
1st I surrendered and then I came to believe in a power greater than myself.
A few yrs. ago I was a non-believer and at 1st glance just didn't get how the 12 steps could apply to the non-alcoholic. My son's hasn't come to believe or worked the 12 steps (yet) but I am glad that I have.
I have even come to believe in the power of prayer.
1st I surrendered and then I came to believe in a power greater than myself.
A few yrs. ago I was a non-believer and at 1st glance just didn't get how the 12 steps could apply to the non-alcoholic. My son's hasn't come to believe or worked the 12 steps (yet) but I am glad that I have.
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