mnt10barbie

o.k - we have been together 17 yrs, married 10, we have a beautiful 6 yr old daughter who is very sensitive and wants everything to be perfect, i don't want to disappoint her but my feelings for my AH aren't there anymore!! I'm so tired of the broken promises - he's a physical wreck, again, promising me he will quit (which has happened repeatedly) he says everything he does is for us (my daughter and I) and that i can't leave. I have agreed to go to marriage counselor, he said that i have put up a wall and i'm not giving him the chance to make things right. I asked him to give me some space, but he won't - he says where is he going to go? I feel so trapped - i dont work full time, i have no family around me (my mom & dad live 1 1/2 hrs away) my mom even asks "what am i gonna do and where am i gonna go?" she asks how am i gonna survive financially if i leave? she tells me i need to crack down on him and straighten him out, i am so tired, i don't want to be here, he said he needs me to help him get thru this, i am gonna look like the bad person for leaving but nobody has lived like this for sooo many years!! I told him maybe if he leaves for a little bit, absense might make the heart grow stonger but he won't.

What am i going to do?? My daughter goes to school here, her friends are here, she will hate me it i don't make this work, i always look like the bad person for fighting with daddy when he's drunk. I have nowhere to go, i can't afford my own place, this is her home, i can't afford child care, she will need me more now than ever, i can't just hand her over to daycare (let alone pay for it and the house and the groceries and the heat and necessities). If I did have to send her to daycare then she will feel abandoned by both parents!! She needs me here when she gets home from school!!

Someone, please help. where do i go, what do i do?? Everytime I turn around he's here wanting to talk about more promises and telling me how he will stop and we are going to a marriage counselor and how he is going to make this right (again). I don't know if I want him in my life anymore.... am I being selfish? unreasonable?? unsupportive??? I have seen too much and been hurt too many times over the years. Even though he is promising, I really don't want to try, I feel like a horrible person!! Don't i deserve to be happy??

Please if anybody thinks i am being unreasonable, you need to tell me, guide me, help me.... please. How do u start over when you have nothing to begin with - how am i going to pay the house payment, how can i take her out of her home? How did i end up in this situation. He is soo sad because i'm not responding to his attempt at resolving the drinking problem!! He wants so badly for me to say it will be ok and i love you and fall into his arms but i can't!! I even went as far as to ask if him and his drinking buddy were gay because thats all he worried about "where is he?" "whats he doing" , "i need to call him". My grandmother died about a month ago after the funeral we went to eat and I decided to stay (my daughter, hattie, is the only grandchild and I thought it would really help my dad, it was his mother who passed away, to have hattie there) my husband told my mom he had so much to do at home cut grass, close the pool, he left and called me at 11:30 pm so drunk and on a 4 wheeler, he did nothing around the house, he came home found his drinking buddy and drank until he was sloppy drunk, then he lied to me and told me he was at a party in a field when he was actually at the local hot spot and then i had to hear from everyone how drunk he was!!! Its embarassing....

Please. Please, I need your advice, has anybody ever felt this way or been in this situation? Where do i go, what should i do, how can i start over when i have nothing? we have no savings. I could go on and on but i need to get this posted and pray for someone to give me some advice of what to do. I don't want to be here, how can i convince him to give me some space and what do I tell my beautiful, innocent 6 yr old daughter without breaking her heart?

Thanks in advance to anyone who can possibly give me their advice or guidance. I can't believe this is my life.... Thank god for my daughter she is the best thing I have ever done and lately i am so preoccupied with my life falling apart around me that I don't feel like I have been the best mother and that is my #1 priority.

steve11694

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
you can't cure it.

Learn about setting boundaries and not enabling his drinking. Attend support groups for families of alcoholics/addicts. Usually hosted by rehab counselors. Check your local area to find it.
Read what others on this forum will post.

You should not feel guilty or liable for his addiction. Take care of your child and yourself emotionally.

AWEDA

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. You sound exactly like me! I have 2 children and do not want to take them from their home either.It is so hard to be in this situation. So many on here have been where you are so we feel your pain. I have been lucky enough to have had my husband removed by law from the home. It was the best thing I coukd have ever done,he is now embracing sobriety and for the first time in my life I am learning who I am. I did not realize how ill I had become by living with an alcoholic for so many years. I don't know how much education you have on addiction and codependency but please gather all the info you can and begin to learn about yourself. There is awonderful book called getting them sober and it is free online they will mail it to your home. Just type getting them sober in your google bar,it is wriiten by toby rice drews. This book opened my eyes and explained alot of my feelings,it was wonderful. Please keep posting ,there are many wise people on here.

queenteree

Barbie, you are beating yourself up. Please don't!!!! I really don't want to go into my whole story here (trust me, everyone knows it by now) so if you want to go back and read my prior posts, you will see that my AH has said and done all those things that yours did. You will also notice similarities in most other posts. A's are famous for guilt trips, broken promises and lies. Trust me, I do not say that with bitterness, I say it with a sad realization of the truth. And I was in denial about this for a very long time. My therapist pointed out to me two weeks ago that I first started going to her in Jan. 2006 and asked me what the date is now. I told her Oct. 2007. She said "what's changed?" And you know what, she's right "absolutely nothing." She actually called me yesterday to see how I was (hadn't been there in 2 weeks) told her about my order of protection, she was actually glad that I did it, that something had to give and I needed to take action and make changes or nothing was going to change (and this is coming from a therapist that is all for keeping families and marriages together if possible). And I am an adult child of an alcoholic. My father was an alcoholic, and I loved him to death. I was a "daddy's girl", totally spoiled and pampered by him. I used to wish my parents would get divorced and I could go live w/him instead of my mom. Until I hit 111 years old, when I'd have to sit up and listen to him drunken ramble until 12 or 1 in the morning (while my mom just sat and watched her TV, she didn't want to listen to it), and when I brought friends over he was drunk and embarassing or when he'd pick up me and friends from a movie or beach drunk and we wouldn't want to get in the car (but in those days, you respected the adult and did what they said). So your daughter will forgive you for leaving if need be. Also, I take my granddaughter to Alateen meetings, in my area they start at 5 years old, and she loves it.

insights

Dear I know how you feel, I am almost exactly the same situation including a 7-year old who has never been in daycare. Please get yourself to an al anon meeting as soon as you can. Read all of the literature you get your hands on. Alcoholism is a family disease. You are caught up in the chaos your AH is causing and losing yourself in the process. You can find serenity and peace of mind through al anon. Al anon will teach you to set boundaries to protect you and your child, and how to detach from your A with love.

denny57

Sometimes when I have too many things on my plate - or swirling in my head - I write it all down and then put it in a manageable order. I see 2 major separate issues in your post - your desire to separate and those all too well known feelings of self-doubt.

Al-Anon and therapy were 2 avenues that helped me enormously. Could you attend counseling on your own, for your own benefit?

Just what is your husband doing to "make it better?" Attending marriage counseling? Many counselors who know and understand substance abuse won't even counsel a marriage until the addict is in recovery.

There is nothing you can do to make him stop drinking. I stopped taking advice from people who don't understand that, including family. Of course everyone wants you to stay and deal with him; otherwise they'd have to.

Educate yourself as much as possible, reach out for support from those who have been there. Take good care of you and your daughter. She will not hate you.

Sending you (((()))'s and love.

Pick-a-name

Hi!..glad you found us! This place (and the great people here) have helped me in more ways than I can say, probably more than I even know.

I understand how you are feeling (except my exAH doesn't think his drinking is "a problem" like he used to,now that he moved out and is able to spend more time drinking with like-minded folks!). You have already recieved some great information in the other posts. All I would like to add is to keep reading and posting...it helps you and everyone else soooooo much,imho.

Also; read and learn as much about alcoholism as possible. Two of my favorite books are short and "sweet": "Under the Influence" amd "Getting Them Sober" (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for a few "preview" chapters).

Good luck and keep coming back!

QU31

Hi, and I am sorry you are in such a desperate situation. I will say a prayer for you and your family..

Whenever someone says they are staying in their relationship because of their children, I always feel compelled to share, because I was that child. If your daughter is six, I really don't think she is going to hate you if you leave. I actually think the opposite is true. I certainly don't hate my mom for staying, but I think things would have been much better for my siblings and me if she had left my alcoholic dad sooner. If you stay, chances are she will grow up thinking that's how dads are supposed to act. Chances are she will marry someone just like her father and find herself in the same situation you are in right now. That is just the way the cycle works.

I know this is soooo hard. When I was in desperate situations like this, and people would say, "one day at a time," I would think, "I just need to get through the next minute!" But you will be ok. You will get through it. Support is key, so keep posting. Also, if you try Al Anon, you will meet people who have been right where you are.

hadenoughnow

I am sorry to hear about your situation. I would see if you can attend an Alanon meeting and read the "getting them sober" books (vol 1 & 4 were helpful to me).

Take a deep breath

I would get a consultation with an attorney to see how much support your AH would have pay in a divorce first, then you can work from that to see if you would need to move and if you need to get a full or part time job.

Ok, I can see how you think that you MUST be home for your daughter but an hour or two of day care a day after school won't hurt her if you do need to work. If your AH keeps drinking you WILL suffer financially eventually anyway whether you stay or not (just keep reading here you will see). An A who can keep a job, stay out of trouble with the law, and not spend his himself and his family into debt eventually is rare indeed.

LaTeeDa

You don't have to figure everything out RIGHT NOW. Get some support, give yourself some time, and you will be amazed at the solutions that come to you. None of us can do it alone, we all need help and support from people who are not directly involved in our situation.

I agree with the suggestions to find a counselor or go to Alanon, or both. Just take one step in the direction of helping yourself. You can worry about taking more steps later. In addition to the suggested reading above, I reccommend "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. The more knowledge you have, the better prepared you will be to make changes.

Glad you're here.

L

wan2help

its sounds like you are stuck between a rock and hard spot. I'm soo
sorry to hear that you are in this situation. First and Foremost, with
god all things are possible!!!!! Remember God only gives you what you can handle. You Seem to be a very strong woman to endure 17 years with a man that is being controlled by alcohol. I know someone very close to me is going through the beginning stages of this- she was just married and round 1 has started. Know that you are not alone. This website, I hope, will give you the courage and stregth you need to carry on. Try counsling, see what happens. The fact is, it sounds like your AH wants to change but cannot.Your absolutely not being selfish, he is. You must work together. Try counsling,
research counslers of your faith. Someone I also know went to a weekend retreat, it saved their marriage. I can get you the info and maybe they have it in your area. It will be hard, but remember your AH is ill and its worse than cancer as far as I'm concerned. You have been a devoted wife who has been put through ringer,
you deserve to be happy!!!! I highly recommend this website, check it out. joel osteen dot com- sign up for daily words of encouragement- its all via email. It will help you through! It helps the person I know everyday. Pray- and pray hard- God listens. You have spent 17 years, spend a few more trying to make
it work. Start saving money, go to school, do what you need to do b/c if things dont change, I do not blame you for wanting to leave. As far as your daughter, I think she will understand. It will be hard for her and maybe she will need someone to talk
to, but as she gets older she will understand and will forgive you. First though, try turning to God, bettering your life and praying that you AH will better his. I really will pray for you and i hope that God will give you the stregth you need to get through these difficult times. I believe with God- encourage your AH to turn to God too. Join a really great Church/Masque/ whatever. I hope this helps you. Hang in there- you have made it this far. Remember, you only get what you can handle. Take care of yourself and your child. Be there if she doesnt understand whats going on, try to explain it to her the best you can. Join al-anon- it may help. There are so many people like you that you need to talk to, to get through this.



God Bless You!!
:praying

mnt10barbie

Thanks so much for all ur responses - u all are wonderful... i just keep wondering how i ever ended up at this point. My mom asked me last nite why i ever married him when i knew how much he liked to drink, honestly, i liked to go out and drink too but after my daughter came everything changed (except him) should i have seen this comming? my mom also got a little irritated with me when i told her i don't feel i love him anymore and didn't know if i ever would again. he went last nite and talked to his daf (who had the same problem and has been sober over 30 yrs) i told him to tell him how i feel, i told him i needed space and time away from him - when he asked his parents if he could stay there a few nights he told me they told him he needs to stay here and that staying away from me isn't the answer - does that make sense?? we have a child here who is sensing the tension!!! i feel trapped, as i said, i have no family here, this is where she goes to school, i need to be here (i told him last night if it wasn't for her, i would be able to leave, go to my parents or something!!!). Does anyone have an opinion as to why his parents aren't supporting my wishes? Does this make sense?? His mom told him that it's not that i don't love him anymore, she said i am very angry. i am angry but i really don't feel the love that i think i should be feeling!! i truely think he is trying but i'm not responding very well and i'm looking like the bad person... why is it that i always feel like i'm the bad person here? i'm so thankful that i have found all of you - u all seem to understand me better than anybody and that in itself makes me feel so much better but why doesn't anyone in the immediate family understand? especially his parents, they have been thru it. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated and again, thank you all!!!

Barbara52

From my point of view, it comes down to it doesn't much matter what your AH thinks, what his parent's think what your parents think, what anyone thinks other than you. Only you can decide what is right for you and your child.

When I was coming to my decision on whether to go or stay, the first thing I did was figure out what my options were and what steps I could take immediately and what had to wait a while.

Talking to an attorney will let you know what your options are as far as who leaves, what child support or spousal support can be ordered immediate, what a legal separation would entail and what would be the best way to go about it if you decide to do that.

You do not have to make all the decisions immediately. Getting information on what your options are will let you better ddecide what you can do for yourself and your child.

Mr. Christian

Greetings,

Seems to me that everybody around you wants to ignore the problem that he’s a drunk.

Living with one is near to impossible.
Without making the effort to get into “AA” broken promises are just that, broken promises.


When such things happen in a family there may be a need to relocate and a child’s school can be changed also.
Believe me a change in schools and a better environment at home is far less damaging then years of growing up with an alcoholic.

His parents don’t want to admit that their son is what he is, no parent really does.

In the mean time, I strongly suggest you get to some Alanon meetings.
You will find strength and support in the walls of those meetings.

There is a lot of good advice on this site. You can see if you fallow the stories here that most are the same.
Struggles do go on but in the end the outcome is pretty much the same also.
Each takes their own time to get there.

lostmdboy

I think you really need to concentrate on your own recovery. Living with an alcoholic is hell. Unfortunitly I am looking at it from 10 months sober. I ould start by going to an alanon meeting. There is nothing like face to face support, and that is what you will find. Take care.

denny57

They went through THEIR experience. You are you. I spent many years trying to be happy with what I had, thinking I was wrong somehow to want more.

What are some choices you have?