guineapigjude

Well, XAH has done it again. My daughter Julie has plans to go over her BF's house tomorrow night to trick or treat, then sleep over. She's 13, and it's her last trick or treating year.
X has decided he wants to take pics of Julie and her buddy. Julie doesn't want him over, because she's afraid he'll show up after having a few, and will embarrass her at her friend's house. (A very real possibility). She told her dad that her friend's mom would take pics, and he refused to take no for an answer.
Things went back and forth, multiple phone calls where he used every manipulation in the book to find out the friend's address, phone number, etc. At one point Julie was in tears, and despite my resolution not to get involved, I got on the phone with X and asked him to stop. That lasted for a few minutes, then he started hounding her again.
She stood her ground about not having him come over. (It was painful to listen to, but I've told her she needs to set her own boundaries with dad, I can't do that for her.) Anyway, the final conversation ended with XAH, who had promised at the start of the first "Halloween" conversation to pick up Julie and her brother at 11 Saturday for his visit, telling Julie he wouldn't be able to see her that weekend after all and hanging up on her.
OMG! What an a@#h*&e! Can you even believe it?! Lower than low. Anyway, I praised Julie for setting her boundary and sticking to it. I also told her that she had every right to feel mad, hurt, and mistreated, because she was. I also broke all the "rules" by saying that the way dad had acted was immature, selfish, and unexcusable. I also told her that a symptom of alcoholism is that it's all about them, what they want and what they feel, and that it had nothing to do with her.
You know, I've known a lot of alcoholics/ drug abusers, but never one as nasty as X.
This one really blew my mind. (and you know he's somewhere blaming me because of this~ it would never occur to him that he's the problem!

Barbara52

Sorry your daughter had to deal with this but unfortunately I'm sure she's had to do it before and will ahve to do it again in the future. It sounds like she handled it well. Be proud of her.

tollbooth

Is Julie in Alateen? Sounds like a prime candidate for it if the program runs like Alanon does!

The thought of a child having to turn down a visit by her father for picture taking due to his drinking makes me ill. I can only imagine the conflicting emotions she has to deal with. And who could possibly make her account for it by telling dad the truth "I dont want you to show up because you might be drunk".

Hope it turns out all for the better.

hadenoughnow

I don't think you did anything wrong, I have always been very open with my son (13 now) about his father's ism. The other day he mentioned that in school they watched a film about addiction and alcoholism and one story was about a mom who covered up and made excuses for the A dad with the police. My son's comment was "how could she do that? you would never do anything like that mom." Kids need to know that you will step in if necessary.

A grown adult can hardly deal with A behavior let alone a 13 year old.

LaTeeDa

I agree that you did nothing wrong. If you said or did anything to make him look bad in her eyes, then that would be wrong. The way I see it, you were validating her feelings and trying to help her to understand the circumstance. Not bad, good. If she feels bad about him, it is because of him, not you.

Carry on.

L

Janitw

I can't even count how many times my XAH embarrassed our children in front of their friends.....it came down in the end that the kids just refused to have friends over while dad was home....yes its sad alright...and the alcoholic never owns up to it. And to top it all off then they expect their children to RESPECT them...

Hope your daughter doesn't fret too much over this hun....she did well in my opinion.

Wascally Wabbit

Wow. You have come a long way, and you're raising your children to be strong! I applaud you!

You know and I know that while he may be sitting there trying to "blame" you, he's absolutely MISERABLE, but you and your daughter are doing just fine!! He's sitting there regretting every thing but unable to apologize. All he's done is punish his own self.

Oh, and the embarrassement? I lived through that hell with my mother.

guineapigjude

Thanks guys. I try so hard to stay as neutral as possible and let my kids make their own judgements, but under some circumstances I get to the point where I feel like I'm still protecting him by not calling his behavior what it is. Then of course I stress that I went too far and put ideas into the kids heads. But thats a codie moment ~ his behavior is what causes the anguish, not mine.
Luckily, after Julie vented and we talked, she seemed okay. Like Barbara suggested, this will be one of many incidents, I'm sure.
As for him regretting it? I hope he can. But it is so all about him these days, I don't know if he's still got that capacity...

Taking5

I am gonna get flamed for this but I cannot pass this up.

You are letting your 13 yo daughter have a sleep-over with her BF?

Please tell me I am missing something here.

hadenoughnow

to me BF= best friend

Pick-a-name

Ugh....I hate that.

Our kids are older now,but the band still plays on......

(((gpj and your daughter)))

keepingmyjoy

This is precisely why I am leaving now with little guy....daughter had some of that, but he is worse now. Can't let little guy have those worries......

You are a good mom....I love how you handled it.

CatsPajamas

That was my thought too!

Sorry your ex is being such a doo doo head, but it's his alcoholism talking. It's a good lesson for your daughter to learn to set her own boundaries with him, because he's her dad and will be in her life for a looooong time. If she can learn to detach from him when he's quacking, she'll have a better life for sure.

Cats

guineapigjude

LOL. I work in a middle school where the kids are always talking about thier "BF"s, meaning best friends. Never dawned on me it also stood for boyfriend! Luckily, Julie is still in the "I hate boys" phase.
Anvil, you are dead on about the limiting phone calls. I admit one of my challenges is still being too concerned I do right by him and am being fair to him. The next time she gets caught in his drama, I'll nip it in the bud.
The irony is that he gave up physical custody and doesn't even have a visitation schedule! I could, at any time, legally tell him to go pound sand. As tough as it was, I felt it was important to let Julie set her boundaries solo and deal with the "real dad'. I protected the kids from his chaos for years (and protected him), so it's time for me to step aside and let him "speak" for himself.
Thanks so much for all your input. What would I do with out all of you???

Pick-a-name

Hang in there...you are doing a good job!

guineapigjude

The update is, Dad left a message on Julie's cell wishing her Happy Halloween and saying he was sorry he got her upset. He also mentioned ~ what a surprise ~ Julie putting me on the phone and wanted to know why she did that. Then he told her to call him if she wanted to see him this weekend.
I told her to do whatever she felt was right. She is very adamant that she doesn't want to see him, and wants to see him as little as possible.
I wonder if somewhere, buried way, way down, is the guy I used to know yelling "What are you doing????!!!" to himself.

rawr_x

im glad your daughter handled all of this well