Disappointed Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Layton, UT
Posts: 9
Disappointed Again
He was sober for a week and a half. Basically he has been on heroin for the entirety of October. He lied and lied again and I am so mad that I knew the truth but didn't just walk out. I kept making myself believe and disbelieve my heart. Now I'm sitting here just angry. I am so so mad at him. I have nothing but resentment for what he's done to us, and to me. And he ONLY confessed because his doctor ordered a blood test, and when he brought the results/info from his doctor, we'd all know he was using, AGAIN.
I began seeing a doctor - he urged me to do so because he said I was "bi polar" - and what I found was that I am not bi polar or any of the other things he insulted/berated me with, I am co-dependent. I am a scared person. I am a controlling person. I am a sick person. All because of him. I was never that way before. Now I am this crazed person, who has severe anxiety at night every time he moves because I think he's going to go smoke heroin in his car, like he did before. I can't sleep anymore. I don't understand how it all went wrong.
I read Addict in the Family (A VERY good book), and the author's advice was to Let Go of Expectations, Accept the Situation for what It Is, and Learn to Forgive. I don't get HOW people do that? How do you give up having kids when you've always wanted them? How do you give up the notion that you're destined to have a happy, normal marriage with trust, intimacy, respect? How do you accept that your loved one will always carry this cross? How do you accept that any day you may be lied to/deceived/stolen from? How do I stop being so MAD? How do I finally say "it's OK that you lied to me, watched me deteriorate inside from your lies, watched me suffer every night and day because I didn't sleep"? He could have STOPPED my pain by confessing, or even talking to his doctors, but he didn't.
And him and his family believe that relapse is a one-time deal (even though he's on strike two). I don't know how much more of that insanity I can take. They're all in denial - they think he'll never have a craving/relapse/problem again. And after his "confession" last night, he has the audacity today to tell me to stop being mad and to stop talking about it because it isn't helping. I believe that I have the right to express myself about his problem and the consequences without concern of how he will react. I deserve at least that much, after my life and being has been turned upside down, I should be allowed to talk about it with the person who caused it. I will always believe that, even though his mother says I am making him guilty by doing so. I didn't make him guilty, the drugs/lies/deceit/stealing made him guilty.
I guess I am just so exasperated by all of this. I don't know how to begin rebuilding all of this, and even if I want to do that. Is it selfish of me to want to live in my own place while he gets his act together? I can't provide support in my condition, and he can't make me better because I don't trust anything he says about anything.
Thanks for reading my rant.
__________________________________________________ _____________________
"If he told me the sun was shining and I could see it with my own eyes, I still wouldn't believe him" - Anonymous
I began seeing a doctor - he urged me to do so because he said I was "bi polar" - and what I found was that I am not bi polar or any of the other things he insulted/berated me with, I am co-dependent. I am a scared person. I am a controlling person. I am a sick person. All because of him. I was never that way before. Now I am this crazed person, who has severe anxiety at night every time he moves because I think he's going to go smoke heroin in his car, like he did before. I can't sleep anymore. I don't understand how it all went wrong.
I read Addict in the Family (A VERY good book), and the author's advice was to Let Go of Expectations, Accept the Situation for what It Is, and Learn to Forgive. I don't get HOW people do that? How do you give up having kids when you've always wanted them? How do you give up the notion that you're destined to have a happy, normal marriage with trust, intimacy, respect? How do you accept that your loved one will always carry this cross? How do you accept that any day you may be lied to/deceived/stolen from? How do I stop being so MAD? How do I finally say "it's OK that you lied to me, watched me deteriorate inside from your lies, watched me suffer every night and day because I didn't sleep"? He could have STOPPED my pain by confessing, or even talking to his doctors, but he didn't.
And him and his family believe that relapse is a one-time deal (even though he's on strike two). I don't know how much more of that insanity I can take. They're all in denial - they think he'll never have a craving/relapse/problem again. And after his "confession" last night, he has the audacity today to tell me to stop being mad and to stop talking about it because it isn't helping. I believe that I have the right to express myself about his problem and the consequences without concern of how he will react. I deserve at least that much, after my life and being has been turned upside down, I should be allowed to talk about it with the person who caused it. I will always believe that, even though his mother says I am making him guilty by doing so. I didn't make him guilty, the drugs/lies/deceit/stealing made him guilty.
I guess I am just so exasperated by all of this. I don't know how to begin rebuilding all of this, and even if I want to do that. Is it selfish of me to want to live in my own place while he gets his act together? I can't provide support in my condition, and he can't make me better because I don't trust anything he says about anything.
Thanks for reading my rant.
__________________________________________________ _____________________
"If he told me the sun was shining and I could see it with my own eyes, I still wouldn't believe him" - Anonymous
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sara, I will tell you what I was relieved to hear myself a while back..."You are not crazy, you're codependent".
All the chaos and emotional frustration is something we do to ourselves, I know that is true for me. I was so wrapped up in my son and what he thought and what he said and wondering all the time if he was using or getting clean just took all my emotional energy and left nothing for myself or anyone else in my family or friends.
When I took the focus of him and began going to meetings to take care of me, my life began improving, slowly but surely, one day at a time.
Is it selfish to want to live in your own place? Absolutely not. Self-care is not selfish and having a safe place to just be away from all that is a healthy thing to do.
How do you get past the anger and resentments? For me it happened when I found my own program. Today I don't care what anyone else thinks of my life of my choices or how I live it. I can do that by just being the best person I know how to be, and take care of myself. That's good enough for me.
Hope things get better for you soon.
Hugs
All the chaos and emotional frustration is something we do to ourselves, I know that is true for me. I was so wrapped up in my son and what he thought and what he said and wondering all the time if he was using or getting clean just took all my emotional energy and left nothing for myself or anyone else in my family or friends.
When I took the focus of him and began going to meetings to take care of me, my life began improving, slowly but surely, one day at a time.
Is it selfish to want to live in your own place? Absolutely not. Self-care is not selfish and having a safe place to just be away from all that is a healthy thing to do.
How do you get past the anger and resentments? For me it happened when I found my own program. Today I don't care what anyone else thinks of my life of my choices or how I live it. I can do that by just being the best person I know how to be, and take care of myself. That's good enough for me.
Hope things get better for you soon.
Hugs
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Sara,
Vent away...I know it helps me.
For me, "accepting" did not mean learning to live with it, it meant accepting what it was, not what I wanted it to be.
There's a big difference.
Just like him, you have choices. And if that choice is to remove yourself from this toxic environment then thats what you do. Do what you need to do for you, even if right this minute the answer to that is do nothing.
You are right...he can't make you better...only you can.
Wishing you peace and clarity...I know this is hard
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Vent away...I know it helps me.
For me, "accepting" did not mean learning to live with it, it meant accepting what it was, not what I wanted it to be.
There's a big difference.
Just like him, you have choices. And if that choice is to remove yourself from this toxic environment then thats what you do. Do what you need to do for you, even if right this minute the answer to that is do nothing.
You are right...he can't make you better...only you can.
Wishing you peace and clarity...I know this is hard
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 5
No advice here-I am in the same boat.The stealing,the lies.... I don't understand how he can look me in the eye,cry and tell me how much he loves me,tell me he will never use again,steal again,lie again and then I find $300 missing.Again.I must be so stupid. He has stolen so much from me but most of all my inner peace.I am acting like a person I don't even know. The sad thing is despite all this,I love him,miss him,and cry for him. Pathetic.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
(((((sara)))) i am sorry he has done this again but he is an addict & if he wants to use he is.you are codependent & if u want to get better u will. u do not have to agree with what he does.you have to accept the fact that u can not make him change.you can not change him, only yourself & how u look at it.his using will drive u insane. read "what addicts do " at the top of the forum.you have to decide if this is what u want & how u r going to cope with it.that is what we call recovery for ourselves. learning to live with or without our addicts & be happy. saying prayers for u & him.keep coming back & let us know how u r.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
((((Sara))))
Well, heck sweetie, you're not crazy, not a bit.
But, boy, he sure had you believing something was wrong, right?
That's what they do best, manipulate, lie, and deceive...and us codependents buy right into it....until.......we start focusing on US, not them.
You've found a good support system right here for you, we understand what you're going through.
Also, face to face meetings are great too!
Hugs to you,
Well, heck sweetie, you're not crazy, not a bit.
But, boy, he sure had you believing something was wrong, right?
That's what they do best, manipulate, lie, and deceive...and us codependents buy right into it....until.......we start focusing on US, not them.
You've found a good support system right here for you, we understand what you're going through.
Also, face to face meetings are great too!
Hugs to you,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: ca
Posts: 103
Sara - I can totally relate to many of your feelings. My husband is addicted to cocaine and I can't even count the number of times he has relapsed. He has now been clean for 18 days...as far as I know.
I am extremely angry and resentful and find many of my own thoughts echoed in your post. I like what Ann says helps with the anger and resentment - getting on your own program. Once I start really thinking about it, I am most angry that I have let myself become a bitter, resentful person. I feel less angry when I start to work on the one thing I can change - myself. I have found it helpful to monitor my own reactions to things. My life had become (and still is, although I'm working on it!) me reacting to the things my husband was or was not doing. Some days are a step in the right direction for me if I can stop myself from reacting in a controlling, manipulative manner just once!
I don't know the right thing to say, but I guess I just want you to know that I feel you, you're not alone.
I am extremely angry and resentful and find many of my own thoughts echoed in your post. I like what Ann says helps with the anger and resentment - getting on your own program. Once I start really thinking about it, I am most angry that I have let myself become a bitter, resentful person. I feel less angry when I start to work on the one thing I can change - myself. I have found it helpful to monitor my own reactions to things. My life had become (and still is, although I'm working on it!) me reacting to the things my husband was or was not doing. Some days are a step in the right direction for me if I can stop myself from reacting in a controlling, manipulative manner just once!
I don't know the right thing to say, but I guess I just want you to know that I feel you, you're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6
Sara,
Everything that you ranted about is the same stuff that I've been saying since July 24, 2006. It felt like you read my mind and typed what is going on inside my head.
[QUOTE]He lied and lied again and I am so mad that I knew the truth but didn't just walk out. I kept making myself believe and disbelieve my heart. Now I'm sitting here just angry. I am so so mad at him. I have nothing but resentment for what he's done to us, and to me.[QUOTE] That is exactly how I've felt, especially these last 2 relapses that he's had. I knew the truth and I didn't do anything about it. I believed the lies that were told instead of facing the reality that was staring me straight in my face.
- If you or anyone else out there has the simple way of Letting go of expectations, Accept the situation and Learn to forgive please tell me!!! I struggle with this everyday. Our 2 year wedding anniversary is coming up in less than 2 weeks and there hasn't even been a marriage this entire time because of the drugs, the lies, the manipulation, the deceipt, everything. The maddness and anger you are feeling I am sure I can relate to. The only thing I can say about that is from my experience is that you will have a good day and you will have a bad day but you have to talk to someone about it because if you don't get it out you will explode and most likely you will explode on him and that could turn into a disaster.
As far as the family goes - I am there with you. My mother-in-law leads the boat down "denial". I've been told to stop talking to him about it to - by him, by my family but you know what I told him up front that whatever I say to anyone else-whether its a stranger, naranon, the people in the family group that i attend, my family, friends, his family - that I will say it all to him too. If it makes him feel guilty that's not my problem because I didn't cause it but I am not going to keep everything bottled up inside of me because he's an addict trying to work through recovery. My husband made it 31 days than relapsed and when he finally told me about it 4 days later I don't know how I did it but I kept my calm....for about 3 hours than I blew up! And I felt so much better after I blew up because it was all out there. We were back at square 1 again (for the 3rd time in 7 months) that the mistrust was back, the doubt, the sceptism (?), the "policing", everything was back again and he needed to know where i stand this time.
What is different this time is that he's in an Intensive outpatient program where he is held 110% accountable for everything that he has done and I am attending a family program conducted by the same counselor who runs his IOP program and it has started to help me. My codependent/enabling characteristics are pointed out to me and I am given other ways to think about things..especially before I blow up!!! And if I say something of concern in my meeting my husband has to face that counselor for the next 3 nights in a row and he will be in the hot seat to face what he has done.
Naranon has given me a lot of hope and is helping me to open my eyes to focus on me more...if you can get to meetings I highly recommend it.
This site has proven to be extremely helpful to me - even if I don't post anything but to read what is out there and to pick and choose what applies to me, what I can apply to me and my situation so keep coming back.
Hang in there. Find a strong support network - those who will listen to you rant when you need to (here, over the phone, face-to-face) - because we've all been there or are there and we all can relate. That's the one thing about this disease that those of us who love and care for the addicts will always be able to find someone to relate to where our day-to-day friends and family can not.
I will pray that things will work out for you and for him. But remember - you need to take care of you and you will make the right choice for yourself. I still love my husband and right now I am just taking it day-by-day. I am starting to do little things for myself and trying not to concentrate on him too much (boy is that hard!!!). But I know what I want for myself and my future and taking it day-by-day is all I can do, all I can control right now.
Thanks for letting me rant! I am sending prayers to you and most importantly because I know this helped me I am sending Hugs!:ghug2 :ghug2
:ghug2
Doodlemcg
Everything that you ranted about is the same stuff that I've been saying since July 24, 2006. It felt like you read my mind and typed what is going on inside my head.
[QUOTE]He lied and lied again and I am so mad that I knew the truth but didn't just walk out. I kept making myself believe and disbelieve my heart. Now I'm sitting here just angry. I am so so mad at him. I have nothing but resentment for what he's done to us, and to me.[QUOTE] That is exactly how I've felt, especially these last 2 relapses that he's had. I knew the truth and I didn't do anything about it. I believed the lies that were told instead of facing the reality that was staring me straight in my face.
and the author's advice was to Let Go of Expectations, Accept the Situation for what It Is, and Learn to Forgive. I don't get HOW people do that? How do you give up having kids when you've always wanted them? How do you give up the notion that you're destined to have a happy, normal marriage with trust, intimacy, respect? How do you accept that your loved one will always carry this cross? How do you accept that any day you may be lied to/deceived/stolen from? How do I stop being so MAD? How do I finally say "it's OK that you lied to me, watched me deteriorate inside from your lies, watched me suffer every night and day because I didn't sleep"? He could have STOPPED my pain by confessing, or even talking to his doctors, but he didn't.
As far as the family goes - I am there with you. My mother-in-law leads the boat down "denial". I've been told to stop talking to him about it to - by him, by my family but you know what I told him up front that whatever I say to anyone else-whether its a stranger, naranon, the people in the family group that i attend, my family, friends, his family - that I will say it all to him too. If it makes him feel guilty that's not my problem because I didn't cause it but I am not going to keep everything bottled up inside of me because he's an addict trying to work through recovery. My husband made it 31 days than relapsed and when he finally told me about it 4 days later I don't know how I did it but I kept my calm....for about 3 hours than I blew up! And I felt so much better after I blew up because it was all out there. We were back at square 1 again (for the 3rd time in 7 months) that the mistrust was back, the doubt, the sceptism (?), the "policing", everything was back again and he needed to know where i stand this time.
What is different this time is that he's in an Intensive outpatient program where he is held 110% accountable for everything that he has done and I am attending a family program conducted by the same counselor who runs his IOP program and it has started to help me. My codependent/enabling characteristics are pointed out to me and I am given other ways to think about things..especially before I blow up!!! And if I say something of concern in my meeting my husband has to face that counselor for the next 3 nights in a row and he will be in the hot seat to face what he has done.
Naranon has given me a lot of hope and is helping me to open my eyes to focus on me more...if you can get to meetings I highly recommend it.
This site has proven to be extremely helpful to me - even if I don't post anything but to read what is out there and to pick and choose what applies to me, what I can apply to me and my situation so keep coming back.
Hang in there. Find a strong support network - those who will listen to you rant when you need to (here, over the phone, face-to-face) - because we've all been there or are there and we all can relate. That's the one thing about this disease that those of us who love and care for the addicts will always be able to find someone to relate to where our day-to-day friends and family can not.
I will pray that things will work out for you and for him. But remember - you need to take care of you and you will make the right choice for yourself. I still love my husband and right now I am just taking it day-by-day. I am starting to do little things for myself and trying not to concentrate on him too much (boy is that hard!!!). But I know what I want for myself and my future and taking it day-by-day is all I can do, all I can control right now.
Thanks for letting me rant! I am sending prayers to you and most importantly because I know this helped me I am sending Hugs!:ghug2 :ghug2
:ghug2
Doodlemcg
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by SaraUT 
How do you give up having kids when you've always wanted them? How do you give up the notion that you're destined to have a happy, normal marriage with trust, intimacy, respect?
It is not selfish to take care of yourself, Sara. Anyone can see that this is causing an enormous -- and dangerous -- amount of stress for you. You are under no obligation to live with him while you support him. If nothing else, the extra sleep you get every night will help you to be more healthy and therefore more supportive. You will have time and space to plan for your own happiness, while he deals with his own "stuff."
Think on it. You don't have to live like this. You can change any aspect of it that you want...as long as it's not his behavior. That's HIS side of the street.
Wishing you luck with this. You deserve to be happy.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: GO PENS
Posts: 1,151
I know, Sara....believe me, I know. You will continue to lose yourself as long as nothing changes. I lost myself so many times I can't even count. Finally you will be so sick of the way you are living that something will break. I can only hope for you that it will be you breaking away from the lifestyle that you are living now and set yourself free from the hell that you are in today. Remember nothing changes if nothing changes.
Hugs...........Lo
Hugs...........Lo
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
[QUOTE=SaraUT;1545489]He was sober for a week and a half. Basically he has been on heroin for the entirety of October. He lied and lied again and I am so mad that I knew the truth but didn't just walk out. I kept making myself believe and disbelieve my heart. Now I'm sitting here just angry. I am so so mad at him. I have nothing but resentment for what he's done to us, and to me. And he ONLY confessed because his doctor ordered a blood test, and when he brought the results/info from his doctor, we'd all know he was using, AGAIN.
I began seeing a doctor - he urged me to do so because he said I was "bi polar" - and what I found was that I am not bi polar or any of the other things he insulted/berated me with, I am co-dependent. I am a scared person. I am a controlling person. I am a sick person. All because of him. I was never that way before. Now I am this crazed person, who has severe anxiety at night every time he moves because I think he's going to go smoke heroin in his car, like he did before. I can't sleep anymore. I don't understand how it all went wrong.
I read Addict in the Family (A VERY good book), and the author's advice was to Let Go of Expectations, Accept the Situation for what It Is, and Learn to Forgive. I don't get HOW people do that? How do you give up having kids when you've always wanted them? How do you give up the notion that you're destined to have a happy, normal marriage with trust, intimacy, respect? How do you accept that your loved one will always carry this cross? How do you accept that any day you may be lied to/deceived/stolen from? How do I stop being so MAD? How do I finally say "it's OK that you lied to me, watched me deteriorate inside from your lies, watched me suffer every night and day because I didn't sleep"? He could have STOPPED my pain by confessing, or even talking to his doctors, but he didn't.
And him and his family believe that relapse is a one-time deal (even though he's on strike two). I don't know how much more of that insanity I can take. They're all in denial - they think he'll never have a craving/relapse/problem again. And after his "confession" last night, he has the audacity today to tell me to stop being mad and to stop talking about it because it isn't helping. I believe that I have the right to express myself about his problem and the consequences without concern of how he will react. I deserve at least that much, after my life and being has been turned upside down, I should be allowed to talk about it with the person who caused it. I will always believe that, even though his mother says I am making him guilty by doing so. I didn't make him guilty, the drugs/lies/deceit/stealing made him guilty.
I guess I am just so exasperated by all of this. I don't know how to begin rebuilding all of this, and even if I want to do that. Is it selfish of me to want to live in my own place while he gets his act together? I can't provide support in my condition, and he can't make me better because I don't trust anything he says about anything.
Thanks for reading my rant.
[CENTER]
He didn't cause the choices you made, we choose the what we do. You chose to not walk out.
Just the same, you now have the power to live your life the way YOU want to live it, and yes you have the right to express yourself, and do whatever you want. We give our power away and we get beat down, as soon as we take it back we can rebuild it. Don't underestimate yourself, your choices and the power you have. People can only take what we give to them.
Vent away all you want, need to, you have that right, you are with a lot of good people that will help you. :ghug3 Drugs suck, I'm sorry you are going through so much pain because of them....
I began seeing a doctor - he urged me to do so because he said I was "bi polar" - and what I found was that I am not bi polar or any of the other things he insulted/berated me with, I am co-dependent. I am a scared person. I am a controlling person. I am a sick person. All because of him. I was never that way before. Now I am this crazed person, who has severe anxiety at night every time he moves because I think he's going to go smoke heroin in his car, like he did before. I can't sleep anymore. I don't understand how it all went wrong.
I read Addict in the Family (A VERY good book), and the author's advice was to Let Go of Expectations, Accept the Situation for what It Is, and Learn to Forgive. I don't get HOW people do that? How do you give up having kids when you've always wanted them? How do you give up the notion that you're destined to have a happy, normal marriage with trust, intimacy, respect? How do you accept that your loved one will always carry this cross? How do you accept that any day you may be lied to/deceived/stolen from? How do I stop being so MAD? How do I finally say "it's OK that you lied to me, watched me deteriorate inside from your lies, watched me suffer every night and day because I didn't sleep"? He could have STOPPED my pain by confessing, or even talking to his doctors, but he didn't.
And him and his family believe that relapse is a one-time deal (even though he's on strike two). I don't know how much more of that insanity I can take. They're all in denial - they think he'll never have a craving/relapse/problem again. And after his "confession" last night, he has the audacity today to tell me to stop being mad and to stop talking about it because it isn't helping. I believe that I have the right to express myself about his problem and the consequences without concern of how he will react. I deserve at least that much, after my life and being has been turned upside down, I should be allowed to talk about it with the person who caused it. I will always believe that, even though his mother says I am making him guilty by doing so. I didn't make him guilty, the drugs/lies/deceit/stealing made him guilty.
I guess I am just so exasperated by all of this. I don't know how to begin rebuilding all of this, and even if I want to do that. Is it selfish of me to want to live in my own place while he gets his act together? I can't provide support in my condition, and he can't make me better because I don't trust anything he says about anything.
Thanks for reading my rant.
[CENTER]
I knew the truth but didn't just walk out.
I am co-dependent. I am a scared person. I am a controlling person. I am a sick person. All because of him. I was never that way before. Now I am this crazed person
I believe that I have the right to express myself about his problem and the consequences without concern of how he will react. I deserve at least that much, after my life and being has been turned upside down, I should be allowed to talk about
Just the same, you now have the power to live your life the way YOU want to live it, and yes you have the right to express yourself, and do whatever you want. We give our power away and we get beat down, as soon as we take it back we can rebuild it. Don't underestimate yourself, your choices and the power you have. People can only take what we give to them.
Vent away all you want, need to, you have that right, you are with a lot of good people that will help you. :ghug3 Drugs suck, I'm sorry you are going through so much pain because of them....
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by SaraUT
Is it selfish of me to want to live in my own place while he gets his act together? I can't provide support in my condition, and he can't make me better because I don't trust anything he says about anything.
Living with an addict can drain every ounce of energy right out of you. After a while you find you haven't got one molecule of energy for your own self because of allways having to keep up with the addict.
Active users are liars by nature. This won't change either. Not untill they are dead serious about quitting for good. Sure, a relapse happens occationally, but when they "continue", it's not a relapse, it's using.
Sometimes we do need to get away from the chaos and turmoil so we can rest.
We can't take care of anyone on earth if we don't take care of our self first.
Also, for me, getting out of it for a while helped my thinking become clearer.
What ever you do, we are all here to support you.
Good luck and don't feel responsible for someone elses mess.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 34
been there
Sara, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can completely relate to everything you're saying, and can't add much to what's been said above. However, I can let you know that you're not alone - the past year of my life was the worst year. It also happened to be my first year of marriage to an opiate addict. Up and down, clean and sober, lies and truths. It was an absolute nightmare - I've never been so lost in another human being.
However, the acceptance came for me when I admitted to myself that this isn't the man I thought I was marrying (I had no idea about the addiction - he's fully functional and hides it well). He won't be the amazing husband and father that I anticipated. Three times throughout that year I put my fears aside and prayed for something to change - but it didn't. He continued to lie to my face. After the third time, I accepted that I deserved more than this man could offer me. I accepted that my future children deserved more. This realization came to me mid-summer; we were divorced last week.
I won't give up my dream to have a loving and stable family. I hope you don't either.
However, the acceptance came for me when I admitted to myself that this isn't the man I thought I was marrying (I had no idea about the addiction - he's fully functional and hides it well). He won't be the amazing husband and father that I anticipated. Three times throughout that year I put my fears aside and prayed for something to change - but it didn't. He continued to lie to my face. After the third time, I accepted that I deserved more than this man could offer me. I accepted that my future children deserved more. This realization came to me mid-summer; we were divorced last week.
I won't give up my dream to have a loving and stable family. I hope you don't either.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((Sara))
Everything everyone said above is so true. But let me share my struggles with this issue. I used to read and understand that concept of letting go and concentrating on myself, at least I thought I did. In reality, I was still holding on to that dream of a normal relationship, the hope that he would miraculously change and be the man that I fell in love with. I wanted my reward for all the sacrafice and pain I had endured, damn it, I wanted him to see and others to see, why can't he and they see? Why can't they just stop what they are doing?
It wasn't until I gave up on him and them. When I say gave up, it doesn't mean I lost all hope, it means that I seperated myself from him and what he was doing with his life. I gave up trying to have any impact on any of it. I just quit trying. I had to accept the fact that no matter what I did or said, I had no control, no impact, not even a smiggen of effect on him or his family. I had to truelly in my heart accept that my dream with this man probably would not happen. I had to hand it all over to my HP and trust that what was meant to be would be.
That was the key for me, handing it over and accepting that it may not turn out how I wanted, but that it would turn out the way it was supposed to.
That left me with a lot of time and energy to devote to ME. I started concentrating on me and my life and realized I had neglected it to the point that it took all my energy and time to start getting it back. It was my mimmie me life. It was the life I had to build for myself that made me safe and sane with or without him.
I guess I just gave up. Gave up trying to change him and concentrated on changing myself. That was so very hard for me. I never give up on anything. I am controlling and feel like a failure if I can't make things right. But I wasn't a failure. I was just trying to take on my HP's job in someone elses life. I just wasn't qualified for that job. In the process I was neglecting my real job, myself.
Try this, just for one day, set it all aside. Forget about his problems, forget about the extended family, and go out there and do something nice just for yourself. It will all be there for you to pick back up later, but just for one day, concentrate completly on yourself, everything else in the world be damned. Enjoy that day to the fullest that you can. If you have to, pretend that it's the last day that you have, so make it count.
If you do this, then you will have a taste of what it really feels like to truely let go. You will feel the weight of the world lifted from your shoulders.
I hope some of that helps.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Everything everyone said above is so true. But let me share my struggles with this issue. I used to read and understand that concept of letting go and concentrating on myself, at least I thought I did. In reality, I was still holding on to that dream of a normal relationship, the hope that he would miraculously change and be the man that I fell in love with. I wanted my reward for all the sacrafice and pain I had endured, damn it, I wanted him to see and others to see, why can't he and they see? Why can't they just stop what they are doing?
It wasn't until I gave up on him and them. When I say gave up, it doesn't mean I lost all hope, it means that I seperated myself from him and what he was doing with his life. I gave up trying to have any impact on any of it. I just quit trying. I had to accept the fact that no matter what I did or said, I had no control, no impact, not even a smiggen of effect on him or his family. I had to truelly in my heart accept that my dream with this man probably would not happen. I had to hand it all over to my HP and trust that what was meant to be would be.
That was the key for me, handing it over and accepting that it may not turn out how I wanted, but that it would turn out the way it was supposed to.
That left me with a lot of time and energy to devote to ME. I started concentrating on me and my life and realized I had neglected it to the point that it took all my energy and time to start getting it back. It was my mimmie me life. It was the life I had to build for myself that made me safe and sane with or without him.
I guess I just gave up. Gave up trying to change him and concentrated on changing myself. That was so very hard for me. I never give up on anything. I am controlling and feel like a failure if I can't make things right. But I wasn't a failure. I was just trying to take on my HP's job in someone elses life. I just wasn't qualified for that job. In the process I was neglecting my real job, myself.
Try this, just for one day, set it all aside. Forget about his problems, forget about the extended family, and go out there and do something nice just for yourself. It will all be there for you to pick back up later, but just for one day, concentrate completly on yourself, everything else in the world be damned. Enjoy that day to the fullest that you can. If you have to, pretend that it's the last day that you have, so make it count.
If you do this, then you will have a taste of what it really feels like to truely let go. You will feel the weight of the world lifted from your shoulders.
I hope some of that helps.
Hugs and Prayers
B
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