I wish ....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: toronto . ontario
Posts: 75
I wish .... 
I wish my mother could grasp the whole concept of enabling .
A little update on me , I haven't posted but I lurk and read , I find that helps me deal with my niece . She is 28 and lives with us , mostly my mothers choice , I would have had her leave long ago ! She has had numerous chances to get clean and has taken advantage of my mother many times. You already know all the rest of the crap we have dealt with. Anyways fast forward to last night , my 68 year old mother decides she is going alone to confront someone who she thinks sells my niece her crack . My mom doesn't tell anyone until this morning what she did !! I am freaking out . My niece has court today , she is facing a few years at least for trafficking cocaine . She left yesterday morning and no one heard from her since . She was supposed to be in court this morning .
My heart breaks for my mom , with all she is going through . She is just old school and really believes she is going to save her from herself . But this was the last straw . I am asking my niece to leave on thursday. I think I may have gotten to my mother , I quoted the " If you love me , let me fall " thread . I can only hope she is getting it and processing it . Life here for my niece is pretty easy , all she has had to do is had over her rent money , my mom buys all the rest of life's needs , toilet paper , shampoo , laundry soap , etc....
I love that my mom has the biggest heart out there , she just keeps trying to make things better for everyone . But this one is a losing battle.
Thanks for listening to my rambling LOL it feels better to type it all out .
Take Care .
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
Mewoman,
I'm happy you're not lurking anymore!
Welcome!
My mother, who now is 88, also had a problem enabling my oldest son, it took a LONG time for her to understand the concept of "loving someone to their death"
(heck, it took ME a long time too!)
Hope your niece ends up with a sentence for court ordered rehab, or a least some jail time, to perhaps clear her head.
Hugs to you,
I'm happy you're not lurking anymore!
Welcome!
My mother, who now is 88, also had a problem enabling my oldest son, it took a LONG time for her to understand the concept of "loving someone to their death"
(heck, it took ME a long time too!)
Hope your niece ends up with a sentence for court ordered rehab, or a least some jail time, to perhaps clear her head.
Hugs to you,
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((Mewoman)))
I'm sorry, I know its so hard to watch as another gets pulled down by addiction (both your neice and your mom)
Perhaps the court ordeal is a blessing in disguise. Your niece needs to reach her bottom, and jail is sometimes a good vehicle to get there.
And that, may be the blessing in all of this. Your mom will not be able to prevent the courts from following through.
As a mom of an addict I had to be pushed out of the way on many occassions. I understand better now what I didn't then.
I'll be sending prayers for your family.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
I'm sorry, I know its so hard to watch as another gets pulled down by addiction (both your neice and your mom)
Perhaps the court ordeal is a blessing in disguise. Your niece needs to reach her bottom, and jail is sometimes a good vehicle to get there.
And that, may be the blessing in all of this. Your mom will not be able to prevent the courts from following through.
As a mom of an addict I had to be pushed out of the way on many occassions. I understand better now what I didn't then.
I'll be sending prayers for your family.
((((Hugs))))
Cece
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
sorry for your mom, i hope she "gets it". as far as your niece,if she did not show up for court, that will be out of your hands. she will be arrested when she is found. prayers for u all, hope
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Omak WA
Posts: 1,049
Hi MeWoman,
My Mom and Dad did the same thing, that your Mother is doing, with my Brother. I wasn't told everything that happened with him because my Mom thought it would affect me and my sobriety.
Our Mom died in 1996 and our Dad in 2000. I spent a week with my Brother getting the arrangements made for my Dad's funeral.
He drank from morning to bedtime, if he made it to the bed. Actually, he wore his clothes to sleep in the whole week until the day of the funeral. Our parents had bailed him out of debt, jail, and most anything else that came along.
He was arrested after I went back home and had his girlfriend call me to see if I would bail him out. I told her No! I told her to have him bail himself out and pay his warrents/fines out of his part of the inheritance.
He had been sober 14 years mostly due to a ten year suspended sentence over his head....then started drinking again. I told him that what I missed about Mom and Dad being gone is buying them Mother and Father's Day Cards. He said..."Now that they are gone I have no one to depend on." My gosh...he was 58 years old and still needed his parents to depend on? They were very co-dependent and enabling with him.
He is angry with me because I hired a lawyer to help get the family home sold so he hasn't talked with me for two years now. We are co-owners of the home and he wasn't keeping the house up so I wanted to sell it before it went into foreclosure. I was paying the property taxes to keep this from happening but decided it wasn't good...because I was enabling him to continue on in his addiction due to the fact he was renting a bedroom out to "Street People" w
hich isn't all bad but I was worried someone might get hurt or whatever and he let the homeowners insurance lapse. I even got new insurance one time after he let it lapse the first time. The mill he worked at for 15 years closed so he was doing carpentry work which he was very good at. He sold his house and moved in with our Dad to help care for him. I had no idea that he would not go back to work. He told me his drinking was too out of control to work. Now he gets Social Security and I suppose is still renting out a bedroom. There are five bedrooms. The house went through court to assign a reality agency to it but my Brother had the price way out of the ballpark for an older home so I don't know what is going on now. I have written to him twice because he let the phone get turned off and doesn't have a phone now. I have asked him to call me collect but he hasn't even done that. I feel I have done all that I can so have to let it go....!
It is a never-ending story with me....I should write a book about my life-experiences.
Good luck to you and your daughter & a hug for your Mom too.
My Mom and Dad did the same thing, that your Mother is doing, with my Brother. I wasn't told everything that happened with him because my Mom thought it would affect me and my sobriety.
Our Mom died in 1996 and our Dad in 2000. I spent a week with my Brother getting the arrangements made for my Dad's funeral.
He drank from morning to bedtime, if he made it to the bed. Actually, he wore his clothes to sleep in the whole week until the day of the funeral. Our parents had bailed him out of debt, jail, and most anything else that came along.
He was arrested after I went back home and had his girlfriend call me to see if I would bail him out. I told her No! I told her to have him bail himself out and pay his warrents/fines out of his part of the inheritance.
He had been sober 14 years mostly due to a ten year suspended sentence over his head....then started drinking again. I told him that what I missed about Mom and Dad being gone is buying them Mother and Father's Day Cards. He said..."Now that they are gone I have no one to depend on." My gosh...he was 58 years old and still needed his parents to depend on? They were very co-dependent and enabling with him.
He is angry with me because I hired a lawyer to help get the family home sold so he hasn't talked with me for two years now. We are co-owners of the home and he wasn't keeping the house up so I wanted to sell it before it went into foreclosure. I was paying the property taxes to keep this from happening but decided it wasn't good...because I was enabling him to continue on in his addiction due to the fact he was renting a bedroom out to "Street People" w
hich isn't all bad but I was worried someone might get hurt or whatever and he let the homeowners insurance lapse. I even got new insurance one time after he let it lapse the first time. The mill he worked at for 15 years closed so he was doing carpentry work which he was very good at. He sold his house and moved in with our Dad to help care for him. I had no idea that he would not go back to work. He told me his drinking was too out of control to work. Now he gets Social Security and I suppose is still renting out a bedroom. There are five bedrooms. The house went through court to assign a reality agency to it but my Brother had the price way out of the ballpark for an older home so I don't know what is going on now. I have written to him twice because he let the phone get turned off and doesn't have a phone now. I have asked him to call me collect but he hasn't even done that. I feel I have done all that I can so have to let it go....!
It is a never-ending story with me....I should write a book about my life-experiences.
Good luck to you and your daughter & a hug for your Mom too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: toronto . ontario
Posts: 75
I just got off the phone with my sister ( her mother) and no one has heard anything to her wherabouts but my sister spoke to her daughters lawyer . He informed my sister that there is going to be a warrant out for her not showing up. This is going to be the blessing in disguise for sure . I really feel crappy for wishing any of this on her but right now she is only going down a bad road and taking her grandmother along for the ride .
It kills me when my sister starts crying on the phone and I feel bad for saying she has to move out but I can't do this anymore and I won't stand and watch my mom be stressed to death over this !
It kills me when my sister starts crying on the phone and I feel bad for saying she has to move out but I can't do this anymore and I won't stand and watch my mom be stressed to death over this !
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Sorry for the pain, but it is for the right choice....asking her to leave. You can't let her addiction pull all of you down, and you can't make her better. You have to let her experience the consequences of her actions. It is so hard, and yet once you start doing it, it becomes easier in a way. We are not God. We are just the people who love these addicts. Hang in there!
krhea
krhea
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