ladyregah

I don't know what happened today... I was in such a good mood earlier today thinking that my mil would be going home early tomorrow morning and maybe my life would get somewhat back to normal.... Then when the kids got home from school and my dd had 14 double sided pages of home work I knew I was going to have a fight with her on my hands... I maintained my cool for so long and then when I felt like I was losing it I tried and tried to call my ah and of course he was at a friends house (drinking) and I couldnt get him on his cell phone.... For some reason this revelation shattered what was left of my cool.... I called his friends house and heard that all to familiar beer slur in his voice and I lost it again and said some pretty mean things before I hung up on him.... well needless to say he came home and thought that he was going to take the kids back up to his buddies house... I think not! I dont think that their drunk father can handle looking out for our 9, 4, and 3 year olds. We had an arguement while he was here in which i told him that I didnt understand why he thought that he had to get sh!tty drunk with his friends all the time, to which he replied he didnt know why I didnt cook his mother a 5 course dinner the night she came in. The kind of threw off my train of thought but as usual when he is drinking if I say a word to him about it he will think up some reason why he drinks. Sometimes it is I don't keep the house clean enough or I dont take good enough care of the kids. Sometimes it is even that I am gone to much (working). God forbid that he should take responsibility for his drinking. I want so badly to just pack up the kids and leave... I dont want to care that he drinks... When I say that I dont care if he drinks himself to death I want to mean it.... but I dont... I dont want him to drink at all... and I am at least a little realistic that as long as he has one more will follow... I just wish that I could get ahold of that detachment thing and stop letting it get to me... I dont know whether to scream or cry today... maybe it is both...

Someday I am going to figure it out and I am going to find the real me... I know that I am not really this b!tchy and emotional.... I hope that it comes sooner rather than latter.... Thanks for listening...

Debbie

Hey ladyregah

I have done both many a day. Scream, cry and vent. It helps. The detachment thing isn't easy, I still don't do it very well, but I am learning and seem to be getting better at it

I hope you have a good night. Do something nice for yourself.

Many hugs,
Debbie

EyesOpen

You're having a normal response to an abnormal situation...oh, have I been there!

A father of three young children like yours should be more interested in being home and spending quality time. That would be the mature thing to do. Not hanging with his buds and drinking like a juvenille delinquent or something. But, such is the nature of alcohol. It turns the most logical, reasonable people into complete morons.

YES! I know the rage. I know the desire to try to make them understand the damage they're doing. But they don't, and can't understand because they're not sober. Their reality isn't the same as ours.

How would you have handled it if he had been out of town? Would you have dealt with helping with homework all on your own? Assume he's not available to help, and just procede. Looking for him to help you out when he's been drinking with the boys will just set you up for dissapointment.

And, feel free to vent anytime..... you won't shock anybody here!

Sarah2003

((((((((((Lady)))))))))))

Thank you so much for responding to my plea for support when you are having a tough time yourself. I wish I had some positive feedback for you right now.

Please know that I do empathyze with you. I do understand your feelings of total frustration and resentment.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm sad right now, but I know that I always feel better in the morning.

Take care....

Sarah

matters

Hi there ladyregah!

Disappointment is one of the things I felt the most over the years.
I was always counting on him to be on time for open house at school or one of the kids birthday parties and either he came late and was drunk or didn't show up at all. Now why would a parent want to miss these things? We can't understand because we are responsible and care a great deal about our childrens feelings. Our A's on the other hand are encapable of being responsible. I guess I shouldn't say that because my husband is responsible about working and bringing home money for bills. It would just be so sad when he wouldn't come through for the kids.Drinking would be his top priority at the time.

Keep coming back and take care of you,
matters

Ann

Lady

He blames you and digs up old garbage because the alternative would be to blame himself, and active A's choose to blame anything and anyone except themselves.

You did not cause his drinking, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

Without recovery, we codependents live our lives as a reflection of how they are living their's. If they are fine, we are fine...if they are not fine, we are a mess.

Learning to take care of our needs first, learning to heal, and learning that we are blessed children of God worthy of love and respect can give us the strength to get out balance and to discover the wonderful people we really are - with or without them.

If you haven't been to Al-Anon, please give it a try. The 12-step program can save your life - I know it saved mine.

My hugs and prayers go out for you and your children. May the darkness in your life be replaced with the light of recovery.

lyn_blossom78

Let me first assure you that you are a great mother and homekeeper! Don't kill yourself trying to prove it! Did you see how your "A" turned the attention off of himself and onto your so-called deficiencies?

I know we are suppose to ignore what they say, when they are being hurtful, and detach from it, but I believe our brain is still hearing it. So, what I'm beginning to do is say out loud to myself (after he is gone) I am a great mother (10 times) and I am great at keeping house (10 times) to make my brain hear more positive than negative. Don't second guess yourself! You are doing great!

You really need to do something for yourself today. Fix yourself a pot of English Breakfast tea (or your favorite), and burn some candles, and scan through some neat magazines--and just sit and relax for awhile with your feet up--you deserve it.

Lyn

Sarah2003

Lady.....just wondering how you're doing today. We were both having tough days yesterday and I want you to know that I'm thinking of you....

Sarah

Daffodil

((((LADY))))

Repeat after me;

Just because he says it ; Doesn't make it so!!!!!

You have no idea how many times I've said that over and over.....somehow like the Serenity Prayer it works....I don't know how, I don't care how...It just works...Probably if I could firgue out how and why it works I'd try to make it work better and faster...so I don't question the why's anymore...I just do it, especiallly since my Al-Anon sponsor told me to and she knows everything and is such a grand person...

Do be kind and gentle with yourself...If you can, do try Al-Anon there you will find love and acceptance, and the best support group ever...It not only saved my life but brought me to a sane way of living, loving and learning..

God blessings!

bonbon

Lady,
Just wanted to give you a hug. As the others said you are reacting to an abnormal situation. That is really difficult. Everyone here can help, getting involved in al-anon can help too. You have to keep in mind that you can choose to grab that life preserver, Its always right there hanging up outside of the deep end of the pool, you dont have to drown with him.


Big hugs to you!

ladyregah

Thank you all so much!!!!! My m-i-l Left this morning before I Neven got up so that should help some.... AH is in bed taking a nap... I supposed he is feeling the effects from drinking so much yesterday... Although he will say he never gets ahangover there are times when it sure looks like it to me..... (IF I ever drink enough to get a buzz which is a RARE occasion I will get a hangover as soon as I stop drinking... My body isnt even nice enough to me to wait until the next morning)
When he finally came home last night we didnt really talk much besides being civil to one another. He went to bed early and that was probably a good thing... Well except for the stale beer smell and the snoring thing.... Today has been better... He took his mother to the airport and dropped her off at about 4 a.m. and then didnt get back until after noon. We live about 2 1/2 hours from the airport if the traffic is light...
This morning I was talking to one of our neighbors/friends who said that the reason AH and his mother came home so early last night was that m-i-l was so drunk she wet herself... I was just thankful at that point that it isnt my problem....

I did however decide that there is nothing I can do about their problem.. I need to work on remembering who I am... I want to be the fun easy going person I used to be.... I want to be a mom that isnt so wrapped up in what dad is doing that she doesnt spend lots of quality time with her kids... He is going to do what he does... with or without me... You all are right tho... I have to do for me and remember that no matter what I am going to be ok.... Years ago and several bad relationships ago I read "co-dependant no more" I had forgotten what i learned i guess... I used to make signs all over my apartment that said thing like "I am my best friend" "I am important to me" ect... It worked very well for me then and I thought that I was on top of my co-dependant issues... I guess somethings dont always change for good.... but at least maybe they will be easier to get back...
Thanks again Ladies!! Sometimes I just need a good rant..lol
Tomorrow will always seem brighter than yesterday...
(((((((((((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))))))))

prettywoman

Take your children and start a healthy and loving life, if not for you , they deserve it and you owe them to bring them up in a healthy, safe and loving home! We as adults have got to STOP being so damn selfish about all of this. Our children matter! they have a right to live in comfort and love and being with an alcoholic is not going to do it! There is nothing to think about or consider! Much love to you!!!and good luck!

ODAT

One of the neatest and worst things I have found over the years is that just like the recovering alcoholic who doesn't go to meetings for a while is setting himself up for a relapse, if I don't do something active about my recovery......I too am setting myself up for a relapse.

In a way, that is why I am here after being in and out of Alanon for 10 years.....still struggling with admitting that my life is unmanageable even though the alcoholic is and has been out of my life for quite some time. See, even though the alcoholic is out, I am STILL suffering from the sickness of alcoholism. I was still raised in the home I was that came with it all of the beliefs that I learned......that fit me so well its almost like a glove that was made for me.

As I get better from going to meetings, reading literature....doing the program I find myself happier and in more sane situations and then for some reason I hit a plateau, think everything is cool now....maybe the alcoholic is out of the life now, maybe things don't feel quite so crazy.....and so I stop doing all the things that I did to get me to that plateau. And then some time later I hit back at another low and look around me and realize that yup, I took back those beliefs, took back that glove......and am back to being almost where I was before.

Its almost like I grew up in one pile of doodoo and am comfortable there....then I slowly gain the courage and energy to move out of the pigsty and then......well I forget and hop back into the same old pile again.

Is probably why they keep saying 'come back' you know? And its so nice to know that no matter how 'good' I get at this.....I will never, ever graduate.

This time round, I am here for me. Not because the AA in my life is driving me crazy, not because I am in a dangerous situation and can't cope.....but because I am getting better and quicker at recognizing that I need to be here for ME. It isn't HIS fault or my mother's fault or anyone elses responsability that I am how I am....and in order to be able to function somewhat normally, to be able to make good choices for myself and my family.....I have to come to a place where I remember the basics.

I am powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanagable.
I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity.
,,,and onward...