I got lost out there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 42
I got lost out there.
Hi everyone,
I know I'm pretty new to SR still but I wanted to let you know I'm still around. I got lost in my head for a couple of weeks and it's a pretty dangerous neighbourhood to go into alone. I withdrew from everyone and was isolating myself. NOT GOOD. So here I am scared, confused, with a whole bunch of anxiety. I feel like my brain is in a blender on high. I'm working a program and trying to figure out what I'm feeling and then expressing it. I've also got a couple of really good books. "Codependant No More" has been a real eye opener.
My AAH is still using and drinking. He did do the stint in rehab but I think he was there for the wrong reasons and relapsed. I don't know if I should stay or go, kick him out? We don't have any kids living in the house. He's started returning stuff to the store to get cash, I think he's sold or pawned some other stuff but I'm not 100% sure. We all know where this path leads...
He doesn't think anything is wrong, minimizes everything and is really good at it. You all know how smooth they can be at manipulating, most of the time you don't even know it's happening. Next thing you know your apoligizing to him for something he did.
Thanks for "listening". I already feel better just getting that out.
I know I'm pretty new to SR still but I wanted to let you know I'm still around. I got lost in my head for a couple of weeks and it's a pretty dangerous neighbourhood to go into alone. I withdrew from everyone and was isolating myself. NOT GOOD. So here I am scared, confused, with a whole bunch of anxiety. I feel like my brain is in a blender on high. I'm working a program and trying to figure out what I'm feeling and then expressing it. I've also got a couple of really good books. "Codependant No More" has been a real eye opener.
My AAH is still using and drinking. He did do the stint in rehab but I think he was there for the wrong reasons and relapsed. I don't know if I should stay or go, kick him out? We don't have any kids living in the house. He's started returning stuff to the store to get cash, I think he's sold or pawned some other stuff but I'm not 100% sure. We all know where this path leads...
He doesn't think anything is wrong, minimizes everything and is really good at it. You all know how smooth they can be at manipulating, most of the time you don't even know it's happening. Next thing you know your apoligizing to him for something he did.
Thanks for "listening". I already feel better just getting that out.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((prairie))
It sure sounds like you and I live in the same neighborhood. LOL It's a good thing though to get out of that isolation. Maybe you should take a breather and just go do something nice for yourself. Give yourself permission to put thinking about everything on hold, and go get your hair done, or take a walk by the lake and feed some ducks or anything that will give you a break.
Hugs and Prayers
B
It sure sounds like you and I live in the same neighborhood. LOL It's a good thing though to get out of that isolation. Maybe you should take a breather and just go do something nice for yourself. Give yourself permission to put thinking about everything on hold, and go get your hair done, or take a walk by the lake and feed some ducks or anything that will give you a break.
Hugs and Prayers
B
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Originally Posted by prairie 
He doesn't think anything is wrong, minimizes everything and is really good at it. You all know how smooth they can be at manipulating, most of the time you don't even know it's happening. Next thing you know your apoligizing to him for something he did.
This is what addicts and alkies do. They blame everyone but themselves. We are all responsible for our own lives and so is he.
Stay strong and refuse to be blamed.
Finding things to do that get you out of the chaos such as a hobby will give you space and something to look forward to.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Prairie, when the time comes that you've just had "enough" you will know what to do.
And forgive me for smiling at that sentence, but it really defines codependency well 
I'm sorry he returned to active addiction but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and reading Codependent No More (she hits the nail on the head, yes?)
Just keep working on you and take it all one day at a time. One day you will wake up and know what you want.
Hugs
Next thing you know your apologizing to him for something he did.
I'm sorry he returned to active addiction but I'm glad you are taking care of yourself and reading Codependent No More (she hits the nail on the head, yes?)
Just keep working on you and take it all one day at a time. One day you will wake up and know what you want.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you are back & that is what matters. the addict does have the way about him/her they can manage to get anything they want from us codies untill we work our program & learn to take care of ourself. codepentant no more is an excellent book. i have read it a couple of times. you are on the right track.keep coming back.prayers,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Edmonton, AB
Posts: 42
Just an update.
I feel pretty centered today, wow it's been a long time since I've been able to say that. I feel strong and firm in many of my thoughts. I think my AAH senses something is up too. Last night for the first time in years he helped me with supper. I'm not sure if he's reacting to some of the changes in me or if he really just wanted to help. I know I'm not happy with where our relationship is right now but I need to figure out where I would like it to be. Then I need to decide what my role is in changing that. Also figuring out when I'm giving more than my fair share. It's then when I will know that enough is enough. Who knows maybe with me being better he will become better too.
On the up side he's starting to recieve consequences of his actions from others. Work has put him on counselling and probation. All I got from him was "they said they wouldn't do this if I got help", "they can't make me sign the paper". He went on for a while but I wouldn't side with him and I wasn't letting him suck me into getting all worked up like he was. I just calmly stated that maybe this wouldn't be happening if you hadn't of got yourself kicked out of your aftercare program. He did it on purpose too. I do feel bad for him because this means he could loose his job which will affect me in the end. Strangly though it doesn't scare me. Maybe I do have a HP, I've been working on that for a while. But I have this small sense of satisfaction that this is finally happening. For so long he has walked around like he is untouchable and it just grated on me. He made me think of teflon...anything that came along slides right off. In some ways I hope more things creep up and finally start to bite him back.
Here's the guilt again because I feel bad for saying that but it's the truth.
Any thoughts??
I feel pretty centered today, wow it's been a long time since I've been able to say that. I feel strong and firm in many of my thoughts. I think my AAH senses something is up too. Last night for the first time in years he helped me with supper. I'm not sure if he's reacting to some of the changes in me or if he really just wanted to help. I know I'm not happy with where our relationship is right now but I need to figure out where I would like it to be. Then I need to decide what my role is in changing that. Also figuring out when I'm giving more than my fair share. It's then when I will know that enough is enough. Who knows maybe with me being better he will become better too.
On the up side he's starting to recieve consequences of his actions from others. Work has put him on counselling and probation. All I got from him was "they said they wouldn't do this if I got help", "they can't make me sign the paper". He went on for a while but I wouldn't side with him and I wasn't letting him suck me into getting all worked up like he was. I just calmly stated that maybe this wouldn't be happening if you hadn't of got yourself kicked out of your aftercare program. He did it on purpose too. I do feel bad for him because this means he could loose his job which will affect me in the end. Strangly though it doesn't scare me. Maybe I do have a HP, I've been working on that for a while. But I have this small sense of satisfaction that this is finally happening. For so long he has walked around like he is untouchable and it just grated on me. He made me think of teflon...anything that came along slides right off. In some ways I hope more things creep up and finally start to bite him back.
Here's the guilt again because I feel bad for saying that but it's the truth.
Any thoughts??
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((prairie))
I too used to think that the A's in my life were "getting away" with so much & secretly wished they would maybe get "caught". Once I started recovery, my sponsor & I worked on this and MY reason for wanting them to get "caught" was because I thought that once they were caught then maybe they would "straighten up & fly right" - So I was actually still sort of trying to control things -
hmm imagine that????
Today, when I see the A's in my life do things that I believe aren't exactly the "best" choices - I try to just turn it over - try not to wish for them to get caught or to have unhealthy sympathy for them either. Just try to stay in the neutral area about - Repeating to myself - It's none of my business, it's not about me.
This way, I don't have guilt, don't enable and keep my codie hands out of their HP's way.
Good for you for not getting pulled into the drama about his work - keep taking care of you!!!!
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
I too used to think that the A's in my life were "getting away" with so much & secretly wished they would maybe get "caught". Once I started recovery, my sponsor & I worked on this and MY reason for wanting them to get "caught" was because I thought that once they were caught then maybe they would "straighten up & fly right" - So I was actually still sort of trying to control things -
hmm imagine that????
Today, when I see the A's in my life do things that I believe aren't exactly the "best" choices - I try to just turn it over - try not to wish for them to get caught or to have unhealthy sympathy for them either. Just try to stay in the neutral area about - Repeating to myself - It's none of my business, it's not about me.
This way, I don't have guilt, don't enable and keep my codie hands out of their HP's way.
Good for you for not getting pulled into the drama about his work - keep taking care of you!!!!
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
Hey prairie,
you have a good way of describing things. I liked your line about them getting you to apologize to them and the teflon example. You have a lot going for you, and you need to take care of you. What are you getting out of this relationship? Remember that any relationship has to have a give and a take, not all take. We codies like people who need us, but then we complain when they do. Sigh....I did this so much with my sons, and I am now learning to let go, but it still is part of my mom psyche. I missed your earlier story...how long have you been in this relationship? How long has he been using, etc. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
krhea
you have a good way of describing things. I liked your line about them getting you to apologize to them and the teflon example. You have a lot going for you, and you need to take care of you. What are you getting out of this relationship? Remember that any relationship has to have a give and a take, not all take. We codies like people who need us, but then we complain when they do. Sigh....I did this so much with my sons, and I am now learning to let go, but it still is part of my mom psyche. I missed your earlier story...how long have you been in this relationship? How long has he been using, etc. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
krhea
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
((((prairie)))))
Keep posting if you can...withdrawing and isolating are things I think we're pretty good at (I know I am) when things are tough. It takes courage to reach out, but please always know we are here and understand. I'm glad you are working a program....just keep taking those baby steps. Sometimes I feel like I have stalled, but I keep reading and going to meetings and posting when i can and I get past that feeling. I always find that I make a huge step forward in my recovery if I just keep working past the stall. (if that makes any sense) Hugs.
Keep posting if you can...withdrawing and isolating are things I think we're pretty good at (I know I am) when things are tough. It takes courage to reach out, but please always know we are here and understand. I'm glad you are working a program....just keep taking those baby steps. Sometimes I feel like I have stalled, but I keep reading and going to meetings and posting when i can and I get past that feeling. I always find that I make a huge step forward in my recovery if I just keep working past the stall. (if that makes any sense) Hugs.
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