Barbdee

Since AS is going to be here for a month, I know all the things I'm NOT allowed to...can't make him go to meetings, can't even help him with his responsibilities.
However it's MY house...am I allowed to MAKE him clean up after himself?
He's only been here a few days and he's got PILES of clothes and stuff laying all over the house. We've had the clean up after yourself lecture more times than I can count, but I really don't want to tolerate it for a full month. I also do not want to be the "boss of him" anymore and know that I shouldn't be. So what should I do? Or NOT do? :-)
B
PS..I know killing him is not allowed :-) My mom sent me a "new" serenity prayer that fits my state of mind quite well today, what do you think?:
God grant me serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I cannot accept and
The wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

pjbs55

Barb,
Show your son the new prayer and tell him that is how you feel with him leaving his things around the house. It is your home so he should live by your rules, clean up after yourself etc. You are not doing anything that you would not ask someone else living there to do. I heard at my meeting recently that the person ask themself if they would do or allow it from a sober person, if the answer is yes do it if the answer is no don't. So if you had a sober child living with you would you make them clean up after themself, if yes than have your AS do it. You will not be controlling anything other than what you can and still stay sane at the same time.
Good luck

lostparent

I've been known to throw the stuff lying around into garbage bags set them off to the side if they're not moved, by garbage pick up day off they go. If it's in their room I leave it alone, but not if it's in my space. It gets really old having to get on her like she 's a 12 yr old. Is being a slob something that comes with addiction?

I love it!

mooselips

Barbdee,
I guess to see this objectively, you would have to imagine he is a guest staying in your house, No?
I wouldn't suppose a guest would be leaving their stuff lying all over the place. (If they did they wouldn't be my guest for long... )

Your house, your rules.

Hugs,

BrokenBridges24

I love your new prayer!! It is great. If I were you, I would shut the door to his room. Let his room stink to high heaven. As long as he kept the door shut I would care less. Clean clothes?? Guess he has choices... wash them or turn them inside out...that is the clean side.

It is your house.. Your rules. If he bothers you that much how about a heart to heart about cleanliness...

(((hugs)))
Broken

Ann

I agree, your house, your rules. That's not about controlling him, that's about maintaining your sanity in YOUR home, your safe place.

How you enforce your rules is up to you. I used to tell my son that he could respect my rules and live at home or live however he wanted anyplace else and I'd love him just the same.

I'm sorry he's behaving like a child. I love your new prayer

Hugs

cmc

Hi barbdee,
What I did was go to lots and lots of meetings. There were too many times that there was just no way possible to predict what type of boundary I needed to set ahead of time. A new situation would arise and I didn't have a 'rule' for that. I'm not saying that I didn't have preset boundaries...we had several, but I learned that I have to think on my feet or I'll lose my serenity and health real fast.

The more I went to meetings and began to really grasp the heart of recovery, the less I had to worry about 'what if this' and 'what if that' plus I didn't live with the roller coaster emotions I used to have. The codie roller coaster I ride these days doesn't have those steep turns and sharp highs and lows.

I went to meetings- as many and as often as possible. I did it like my life depended on it, because: it did. Later on I just kept it to an one open AA and my Alanon home group each week, but would step it up when _I_ slipped. That's the only way all this really began to sink in for me.

It was hard for me to change and I was highly educated about it all and yet blind to the truth about me, and I refused to accept what was working for others. Just like it is for everybody else- when I became desparate and my son got worse and worse...I had no choice. I went to about 5-7 meetings a week- for almost 2 years.

I'm glad you have posted and asked about this, because that is a very good sign that you are learning and wanting to change what you do or don't do. The thing for me was- as I said before, I had to finally let it sink in and believe what others said, and think things through in the light of what I learned by constant repetition.

It's not that we codies are slow learners in other areas of life, but it's been my experience I can easily let my emotions create a block and get stuck in my progress. I remember one time after I thought- no, I knew that I had this recovery thing under control... and then I said to somebody: "My son is just using a little bit." Queen of DeNial! Just how much is a little bit? I almost felt my head spin around as I heard the words come out of my mouth! Huh? Who said that? At that time I knew better but I needed it to become more of a natural reflex. It's like learning to fish for myself or having someone always catch them for me.

Old habits can die hard and although I love your little prayer...I really do!...I'd rather bury my old codie habits and not let others **** me off like I used to! It's just too tiring for me to allow those emotions anymore! BTDT...for way too long. I think I will always need to stay on guard because I can lose my hard won serenity in a nanosecond!

The kinds of situations that unfortunately arise suddenly or with special circumstances, will always be a challenge. I've made lots of mistakes as I took those baby steps. I still make mistakes, but when things get intense I know that I have to hear all the other people share their version of my story...over and over. It saved my life and certainly had a positive effect on those around me because I became more sure of myself and less frantic over small and little problems.

Like they say at the meets: "Keep coming back, It works if you work it, so work it your worth it...and it won't if you don't."

Elana

Not allowing someone to slob around in YOUR house sounds like a boundary. I would set that boundary myself.

So, the question then becomes, if you set the boundary (no leaving clothes around all over the house), what are the consequences of him breaking it? (BTW don't tell me, tell him!)

BigSis

What I discovered the REAL problem for me was... I was struggling with my boundary.

I knew I deserved to have a clean and orderly space to come home to.
I knew I paid the bills and earned the right to have my home my way.

But I also knew I was not ready (at that point) to put my immature, 17 year old, no job skills daughter out on the street where she might resort to selling herself in order to make her way.

THAT was what I struggled with.

So for me, I had to weigh the real issues ... Dirty room vs. Daughter on street

That made it easier for me to accept some of her unacceptable behavior... for a period of time.

I am not saying that is the "RIGHT" way... I am saying that is what I did.

I do like the idea of garbage bags, tho... And I like your version of the serenity prayer (for those certain "days").

What I found was my kid did unacceptable behavior because I think she wanted to try the streets again. She told me, more than once, she wanted to use with impunity. She wanted to use without restriction... so she could find her "real" bottom.

Those comments scared me worse than any others... and today she admits it was just her addiction trying to tell her she "deserved" to leave a perfectly decent home with all her needs met in order to get what she "really wanted". It is not logical... but it is normal for addictive thinking.

My daughter eventually went out on the streets for a while... admittedly, she mostly sofa surfed with other addict friends, and I knew in a general way where she was. But she had some bad events during this time which turned using from an exciting part of adolescence into what it really is. There is no way I could have given her that same experience at the same time I was trying to protect her.




Dammit, Barbdee... I don't want to scare you. I just wanted to share my ESH. But this is hard. And even today, I struggle with "letting go". During this time, I started having an increased awareness of things happening that seemed bad on the surface... but turned out to be stepping stones to something better long-term. I couldn't identify them in the moment, but they became clear in retrospect.

I guess I would urge you to continue to pray ... even if you are like me and those prayers are filled with doubt and anger... and then to extend your awareness, looking for events and people that may be shaping events, even... or ESPECIALLY... when we are practicing "hands off the addict". Once I had this increased awareness, I began to accept the idea that I was not absolutely in control of, nor even absolutely NECESSARY to my child's future.

It was an interesting time for me. Awareness. Acceptance. and then Action.

My "action" piece? I started working the program of Alanon by attending more meetings in more locations. Calling some of the meeting folks on a regular basis. Reading the literature. Writing out my feelings and fears. And simple prayers for guidance that replaced my specific prayers for particular outcomes.

Please know you are in my prayers, as is your son. ((((Barbdee))))

Barbdee

Thx, for all the great feedback and advice. Unfortunately, AS does not have his own room here, since our guest room is also husband's music room. There was NO WAY I was gonna kick hubby out again (college son just left and he "just got it back again").
So AS is sleeping on the "daybed" in the rec room, although I gave him an empty dresser and closet. Both of which are still totally empty.
So I will be laying down the law tomorrow (his first day not working).
And I really appreciate you letting me "vent" here. I was upset, and totally forgot my boundaries...heck, it's been nine months and I can barely remember yesterday :-)
Thx, B