sameold

My gf that I have been seeing for the last 4 months and living with for 2 months is a recovering addict (supposed to be). From what she has told me over the last eight years she and here then boyfriend started with snorting percocets and vicadin and progressed to oxycotins and heroin. Their addiction got to the point they were shooting the oxys to get normal and then speed balling heroin and coke to get high. The out come of this was that her boyfriend died. Since then she has went through rehab/ methadone and has been clean of needles for over a year.
I recently found out that she is using pills again. I walked in on her in the bathroom actually snorting a pill that she told me was a percocet. She explained that she rarely does any pills any more and not to worry. Have been noticing my wallet being lighter in the mornings than it was the night before. Usually nothing big 10 here 20 there. But last week while I was working midnights I called her and she wasn't home and her cell was turned off. I left work early and went everywhere I thought she might be and could not find her she finally showed up at home about an hour before I usually get home. She told me her cell battery had died and she was watching movies at her girlfriends house and fell asleep.
I know with all this background I've made her out to be terrible but in her defense she's not. When we're together we have a great time. She does some of the sweetest things sometimes. Makes you just want to hug and kiss her forever. I guess what I'm getting to is that I love her very much and I think she loves me.
Any advice on this situation? Are the drugs going to get worse? How do I confront her without hurting her? Should I just hang in there and pray?
Thanks for your time
sameold

tanyapmc

My experience is that the drug use WILL get worse. As they say in NA "One is too many and 1000 never enough"

I am glad that you found SR, please keep posting.

Fishy226

Does she attend any type of NA meetings or support groups? What is she doing to maintain her sobriety?

sameold

She doesn't go to any meetings or anything. She exercise at least 2 hours a day. And smokes quite a lot of bud. I've been thinking that she's using that to help keep her mind off of other drugs. But I just don't know.

lostparent

Sounds like she has relapsed I would suggest you hide your wallet, check book, credit cards, etc. Others will be along that can give you some really good advice.

hope213

it does not get any better.a drug is a drug & she will eventually go back to her drug of choice. there is nothing u can do to help her but lots to do to help yourself.read the sticky at the top of the forum"what addicts do". hide your valuables.they will become missing.i am sure she is a not a terrible person,she is a sick person who nobody can help.they have to b ready to help themselves.it is not going to get better. welcome to S.R.& keep coming back.we r here for you.prayers,

starting_over

Just my two cents, but as I read your post I realize that as we become enmeshed with our addicts, through loving them, or marrying them, or sharing a home with them, we allow ourselves to get so far away from what a "normal" life is, and looks like. How easily we speak of needles and speedballing heroin and snorting pills in secret. As if it's normal somehow. And always with the postscript..."but I love him/her", "but he/she is a really good person when he/she's off drugs or not high all the time". How I wish I had never been exposed to this side of life. We have to remember that this is not the way average families live - I recall my husband saying to me one time, in defense of his addiction, "well at least I never robbed a convenience store or put a needle in my arm". As if these were things for a middle-aged man to be proud of. And here's the part that disturbs me...I sat and listened to him say these kinds of things while knowingly nodding my head, agreeing with him, and thinking to myself..."well that's true...he's certainly not THAT bad". But in taking a step back, I realize that my life became chaotic, I lost everything in the end, because of someone else's addiction...that he could not, or would not, attempt to deal with - I was the one who had to deal with it. Or not. As much as I believed I loved him, ultimately I chose not to deal with it. Truth was, it had me beat from the get-go. There was nothing I could offer him that could pry him away from the true love of his life...the drugs.

So if nothing else, try not to become complacent about finding her snorting pills in the bathroom. Try not to think that this is normal behavior. It's not.

Sometimes I think loving from afar is much healthier and puts the onus on our addicts to choose...life if they want it...the alternative if they don't.

lightquest

If you plan to stick it out for now, get some support for yourself. Alanon is a good place to start. You will learn the tools you need to help keep your own life stable.

One thing that I learned has been to trust my instincts. If you suspect she is using, have even caught her once, it's likely that it's just the tip of the iceberg. I'd be surprised if she could stay off harder drugs and still smoke. That would make me very concerned. My abf was also "recovering" when I met him. What that really meant to him was that he had the intention to quit. It's been a rough road.

You can still love her, and also learn to take care of yourself. (Start by putting away your wallet.)

starting_over

So true Lightquest. Sometimes the real truth comes out when we stop enabling them with money, excuses, cover-ups. See what happens when you put your wallet away...could be very revealing. I predict you'll begin to see where you honestly stand with her in pretty quick order. In the meantime, learn as much as you can and keep a part of yourself separate - protect yourself... I think that groups can be a great help.

krhea75

Sameold,
Doesn't your name say it all? Sorry for the mess, but I agree with starting over. We often excuse our loved ones crazy way of life. I did for my son. I was always trying to get him help, but he began to falter when I focused on how much I loved him instead of how bizarre our lives had become. It will be the same old until she is ready to change it. Your relationship is young, so maybe some time away from each other would put things in perspective. I find that the more time I am away from my son's addiction, the more I begin to understand it and see it for what it is. Maybe this would be true for you?
khrea

sameold

Thanks for the replies everyone. I know there's alot about her that I don't know or understand but I still have to try at least for a while. I will hide my money from her and see if that changes things. I'll post again when I can. Thanks again and God bless

Ann

Addicts are not bad people, they are sick people and they are our loved ones. They don't want to be the way they are any more than we want them too, but when they get caught up in the disease of addiction, they get lost and the longer it goes on, the further they get from the person we used to know. And if love could save them, not one of us would be here, but sadly only they can save themselves.

You girlfriend is using, there is nothing trivial or low dosage about what she is doing. Addiction is a progressive disease and only gets worse unless they find a way to stop and stay clean...that means no pills, no pot, no beer, no substitution for their drug of choice. A drug is a drug and any one of them will take them right back to where they were, or kill them in the process. Addiction isn't pretty.

I believe you that you love her, but you have only been in this relationship a short time and you might want to take a step back while you still can. It's a dark and dangerous world they live in and we can get dragged in with them or find our own way out through going to meetings and learning to take care of ourselves.

The choice is yours and either way we are here to support you, but if you were my son and asked me, I would tell you to run for the hills as fast as you can. It's much bigger than you can imagine and doesn't get better by itself.

We're here and we care and are glad to have you join us.

Hugs

Lobo

Sameold,
A lot of good advice ahead of me. I watched my RAD go down hill in the course of 6 yrs. It was not a pretty sight. I tried to stay close to her in spite of her addiction. She gradually became someone I didn't know. She looked and acted evil. There were the mellow times thrown into the mix. Because I chose to stay close to her I was exposed to things a mother should never have to see or be involved in. You really need some tough skin to endure this. I was on a mission to save my daughter. In the process I was losing myself. I became as sick or even sicker than she was. No matter what, I was going to save my child. Guess what? It didn't work. I was loving her to death.

One day after her third jail stint she decided she had had enough. Living on the streets of LA didn't do it. Her ABF throwing her out of his car and into brain surgery didn't do it. Being shot at and being tazed didn't do it. 3 rehab stint didn't do it.

Finally, she decided to do it on her own. By herself....in her own time, her own way.
I can say today she is clean and sober and doing well.
Do I worry about her relapsing? Yes, I do. She has, but gets right back on the recovery horse because she wants to.

What I have learned is that I could not change anything and neither can you. Only she can do that. Unless she wants sobriety for herself nothing will change. All of the love and support in the world will not change her behavior. If you chose to stay in this relationship be prepared for a ride that will take you places that you never ever thought that you would go.

Hugs and support coming your way...........Lo

BigSis

This sounds very much like my kid in her active ...and increasing... addiction. That old "cell battery died"... Sheesh! You know, I have to leave my phone on for something like 36 hours straight (with no talking) for MINE to die... yet my kid's would (conviently) kick the bucket every time she was somewhere she wasn't supposed to be.


It might seem that a big boundary would be the next step... that is the direction *I* went at first. But I found that I was not ready to kick my kid to the curb... was not emotionally prepared to know she would be on the street and doing drugs.

But I had to have SOME boundaries.

Some things I did that helped...

1. Get to some Alanon meetings. We suggest 6 to start, but once I really got going, I was attending several meetings a week in different towns. (they saved my life... but that's another story).


2. Protect your finances. Change ALL pin numbers and access codes. Sleep with your wallet, or hide it somewhere she cannot get it. Think about your portable valuables....IPODs, PDA, DVD, Stereo, TV, Jewelry. These are easy to transport and pawn. If you can't (or won't) lock them down, then at least record the serial numbers to take to pawn shops. Many here have lost THOUSANDS without doing this... it is far too common.

3. Believe ACTIONS, not words. I learned to actually tune out my daughter entirely when she spoke of returning to school, getting her high school diploma, her AA degree, a great job. I couldn't get my hopes up... so I would plan meals and think about laundry and nod and Hmmmm-mmmm in the right places. I often watched TV while she talked... I could not listen to her plans - it hurt.

PS - YOUR actions count more than your words, too. If you say, "If I find evidence of one more percoset here, you are out." and then fail to follow through.... what does that tell her? In my experience, I drew much, MUCH smaller boundaries... and they had to do with ME, not her.

I would take the phone off the hook when I slept... to avoid calls from the police or hospital. I only got them once or twice, but the fear of getting those calls kept me awake. I finally accepted that if she were killed, I'd rather not know until morning, and if she was hurt, God and the EMTs would take care of her. If she was in jail.... the longer she sat, the better! My daughter never knew about many of my boundaries... sometimes I just hung up on her - that was a biggy. Not being willing to listen to the quacking about where she was (ha!) or what she was doing.


This is a long hard road. Ever heard that saying time to "gird your loins"? Gird up, baby... you can do this, but it ain't easy.

Loving hugs to you and prayers for you and she. (((hugs)))

Love Prevails

What are alanon meetings? Are they for the user? My spouse is about to detox. Going cold turkey didn't work (obviously too hard!). Maybe going to try Suboxone.
Any input is greatly appreciated!!
*Peace*

greeteachday

Welcome! Lots of great experience shared before me...Unfortunately I agree that all the excuses she gives are the "sameold sameold" for active addiction...seems all the active addicts I know have chronic cell phones problems, fall asleep while doing innocent activities and that is why they don't come home or miss work or...

I am sure you both care for each other but when addiction is calling her, she is unable to truly love anyone else. I found the best thing I could do was protect myself financially and establish boundaries for me...not to stop the addict's use. Naranon meetings and coming here helped me work on me and let my addict take responsibility for her own actions.

Hi LovePrevails...welcome. You may want to start your own thread so others can welcome you as well. The meetings for addicts are NA and AA meetings. Alanon and Naranon meetings are for families and friends who love addicts. You see, we become as sick as they are when we are drawn into the dance of addiction. These meetings are where others who understand what we are going through meet and share. It is very comforting and healing. If you google Naranon or Alanon you can find meetings in your area.

Love Prevails

Greeteachday--Thank you so much! I didn't even know these meetings exist. :P
I feel so alone. We have been hiding this from everyone. That is a difficult thing to do. I hate lying to my closest friends and making excuses for my husband always being "sick."
At least he seems serious about detoxing, and has told me himself that he sees how this is destructive to our marriage. *sigh*

I just love him and not sure what to do to help him.

Thanks so much for the info!!