I just want to be loved.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 4
I just want to be loved.
So what if I'm a people-pleaser? It makes me happy. The problem is that I am drawn to those who need rescued. I think I can rescue them and show them love that they've never know. I do that. I give 100% of myself....and then...something goes wrong. It's never "me" of course...it's always "them".....I pull back the curtain to whatever I was trying to heal for them and they become aware of their weaknesses. They run.
Doesn't anyone want to love me as much as I love them? Can't anyone see how much I have to give of myself? I'm a good person, I already know this. I already love me. I take care of myself. I want to take care of someone else. I want to be in a partnership.
Am I co-dependant? Maybe....but how can I change that? I have to withdraw from the love that I generally give out? I have to be more like the people who don't love me enough in the first place. Forget it.
Doesn't anyone want to love me as much as I love them? Can't anyone see how much I have to give of myself? I'm a good person, I already know this. I already love me. I take care of myself. I want to take care of someone else. I want to be in a partnership.
Am I co-dependant? Maybe....but how can I change that? I have to withdraw from the love that I generally give out? I have to be more like the people who don't love me enough in the first place. Forget it.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
Hello!
This is a symptom of ACOA's. We didn't get enough love as a child and now we are trying to get it by trying to make people love us. We can NEVER do enough to MAKE someone love us.
May I reccomend reading the best book about the codependant subject?
"Codependant no more" by Melanie Beatty.
Also, try finding a 12 step meeting that deals with ACOA.
Yes, you are a good person and deserve love.
This is a symptom of ACOA's. We didn't get enough love as a child and now we are trying to get it by trying to make people love us. We can NEVER do enough to MAKE someone love us.
May I reccomend reading the best book about the codependant subject?
"Codependant no more" by Melanie Beatty.
Also, try finding a 12 step meeting that deals with ACOA.
Yes, you are a good person and deserve love.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I've been reading a lot today. Claiming Your Self- Esteem
Then there's a little print and it say....
A guide out of codepency,addiction and other useless habits.
I know as an acoa or codi it sounds bizard.
I know I'm capiable of love.
Anyway , i was getting an impression the book as trying to tell
me.
Treat myself as I would treat others.
You know...that saying " treat others like you want to be treated"
Well, I've been doing that all my life and it seems i don't get it back
in return. And for some stupid reason i get involve with people that's
not mentally, emotionally, and spiritually avaiable to me. And i would
bend myself backwards just to get that love. So I basically spend a lot
of my time and energy picking up someone else's mess and forget about
myself. Then i feel like I'm drain and I don't get nothing in return
except heartaches and my life is a freaken mess.
The means dosn't justifed the end.
So I have to come up with backwards stuff for me to change
becuase my thought process is wacked or fractured.
I have abandonment issues...it's painful.
But what really sucks is...I've abandent myself.
No wonder I'm hurting all the time.
I'm going to try not to do that anymore.
Yeap... that's it, all i've ever wanted was to be loved, like everyone else.
i guess that's too much to ask for for a person like me.
and what I've done in the pass sure the heck didn't work
and I don't want to hate anyone either.
I guess there's different rules for me to live by..becuase I'm specail..i guess.
I'm not going to hate myself either.
Then there's a little print and it say....
A guide out of codepency,addiction and other useless habits.
I know as an acoa or codi it sounds bizard.
I know I'm capiable of love.
Anyway , i was getting an impression the book as trying to tell
me.
Treat myself as I would treat others.
You know...that saying " treat others like you want to be treated"
Well, I've been doing that all my life and it seems i don't get it back
in return. And for some stupid reason i get involve with people that's
not mentally, emotionally, and spiritually avaiable to me. And i would
bend myself backwards just to get that love. So I basically spend a lot
of my time and energy picking up someone else's mess and forget about
myself. Then i feel like I'm drain and I don't get nothing in return
except heartaches and my life is a freaken mess.
The means dosn't justifed the end.
So I have to come up with backwards stuff for me to change
becuase my thought process is wacked or fractured.
I have abandonment issues...it's painful.
But what really sucks is...I've abandent myself.
No wonder I'm hurting all the time.
I'm going to try not to do that anymore.
Yeap... that's it, all i've ever wanted was to be loved, like everyone else.
i guess that's too much to ask for for a person like me.
and what I've done in the pass sure the heck didn't work
and I don't want to hate anyone either.
I guess there's different rules for me to live by..becuase I'm specail..i guess.
I'm not going to hate myself either.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
It's hard for tone of voice to come across well in text, so I'll state that my tone of voice is not confrontational when I ask the question I'm about to ask, but one of concern and caring.
Do you give to yourself as much love as you give to others? Do you love yourself as much as you love others? If the answer to either of those questions is "no", then you must first learn to love yourself before others will be able to love you in equal shares.
Do you give to yourself as much love as you give to others? Do you love yourself as much as you love others? If the answer to either of those questions is "no", then you must first learn to love yourself before others will be able to love you in equal shares.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2007
Posts: 25
Inluv,
I completely understand what you are saying. I've had people tell me I'm a people pleaser since Jr. High. I, too have felt those thoughts, and I am still feeling them. Sorting through those ironies is mind boggling. "What do you mean I have to accept lower standards? What do you mean I shouldn't give 100% of myself in a relationship? What do you mean wanting to take care of people may be unhealthy?" Those thoughts were completely foreign to me.
I've given so much of myself to people over the years, and quite frankly, I'm not any happier. People pleasing is a temporary high, and it doesn't last. I've realized, I want people to like me for me and what I do with my life, not because of what I do for them. I want people to like me because I love amusement parks, or mountain biking, or do community work, or because I'm learning to play the piano, or because I'm successful at work, or because I won an award, or because I'm friendly.
What I don't want is people to like me because I clean up after them, make them dinner, or don't argue with them when they come home late. I don't want people to like me because I did their homework, or lend them money, or because I never say no, or I take on their responsibilities.
We all know we're good people, and OMG do we have so much love to offer, but we have to offer it in healthy, productive ways, specifically to people who won't take advantage of that love. We also deserve to have relationships with people who will give 100% of their love in return. I've learned that the hard way.
Someone who wants to love and someone who wants love will always find each other, but the relationship will be unbalanced from the very beginning.
Loving people and pleasing people are something we are good at, it comes very natural, and very easy to us. In fact it comes so easy to us that we foolishly think it must come that easily to everyone. Going through recovery and just opening my eyes, I definitely found it doesn't. And knowing this has helped me with those expectations about love and about relationships. I'm not saying that I'm cured, because I'm defintely cleaning up the messes I have made in my life, but should I ever choose to have any new relationship (intimate for friendship), I now have way better tools to determine who I want to have a relationship with and what expectations to have when going into it.
I completely understand what you are saying. I've had people tell me I'm a people pleaser since Jr. High. I, too have felt those thoughts, and I am still feeling them. Sorting through those ironies is mind boggling. "What do you mean I have to accept lower standards? What do you mean I shouldn't give 100% of myself in a relationship? What do you mean wanting to take care of people may be unhealthy?" Those thoughts were completely foreign to me.
I've given so much of myself to people over the years, and quite frankly, I'm not any happier. People pleasing is a temporary high, and it doesn't last. I've realized, I want people to like me for me and what I do with my life, not because of what I do for them. I want people to like me because I love amusement parks, or mountain biking, or do community work, or because I'm learning to play the piano, or because I'm successful at work, or because I won an award, or because I'm friendly.
What I don't want is people to like me because I clean up after them, make them dinner, or don't argue with them when they come home late. I don't want people to like me because I did their homework, or lend them money, or because I never say no, or I take on their responsibilities.
We all know we're good people, and OMG do we have so much love to offer, but we have to offer it in healthy, productive ways, specifically to people who won't take advantage of that love. We also deserve to have relationships with people who will give 100% of their love in return. I've learned that the hard way.
Someone who wants to love and someone who wants love will always find each other, but the relationship will be unbalanced from the very beginning.
Loving people and pleasing people are something we are good at, it comes very natural, and very easy to us. In fact it comes so easy to us that we foolishly think it must come that easily to everyone. Going through recovery and just opening my eyes, I definitely found it doesn't. And knowing this has helped me with those expectations about love and about relationships. I'm not saying that I'm cured, because I'm defintely cleaning up the messes I have made in my life, but should I ever choose to have any new relationship (intimate for friendship), I now have way better tools to determine who I want to have a relationship with and what expectations to have when going into it.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Leaving Sparta
Posts: 2,912
The problem with being a people pleaser is our emotions are tied in with that person being pleased all the time. What happens when that person is not pleased?What happens when that person becomes angry, critical, moody and withdrawn?
I too felt I gave 100% of myself and in return I expected the same. The next problem with this scenario is that very few people can give 100% of themself 100% of the time and I very often misunderstood my partners need to be alone as a sign of rejection and abandonment. We very often push people away with our need to love and our need to feel loved.Such is the cycle of the love addict and the codependent.
Loving ourselves does not seem as equal or important as the love we crave from someone else but it is in fact the highest form of love. It might sound cliche but when we understand self love we can accept it when we see it in others and can accept the limitations in others.
I too felt I gave 100% of myself and in return I expected the same. The next problem with this scenario is that very few people can give 100% of themself 100% of the time and I very often misunderstood my partners need to be alone as a sign of rejection and abandonment. We very often push people away with our need to love and our need to feel loved.Such is the cycle of the love addict and the codependent.
Loving ourselves does not seem as equal or important as the love we crave from someone else but it is in fact the highest form of love. It might sound cliche but when we understand self love we can accept it when we see it in others and can accept the limitations in others.
Power is not having to respond
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Wabbit Hole
Posts: 1,923
I am also thinking that is good to be who we are! We are wonderful, giving and loving people. I believe that we always choose what can never be ours and don't look for the other people who are loving and willing to love us. The picking partners that aren't any good for us is just another good ole symptom of the ACOA.
We never had that foundation of love and trust and we don't think we're worthy of it. Why should we? After all, as much as we wanted to be loved by our alcoholic parent, the love was never there. The more we did for them, the more they expected and the worse things were for us.
We're programmed to hook up with people like our parents!
Thank GOD for alanon. That's what saved me this time. I learned what my value really is and I won't waste it on someone who can't give love back in return.
We never had that foundation of love and trust and we don't think we're worthy of it. Why should we? After all, as much as we wanted to be loved by our alcoholic parent, the love was never there. The more we did for them, the more they expected and the worse things were for us.
We're programmed to hook up with people like our parents!
Thank GOD for alanon. That's what saved me this time. I learned what my value really is and I won't waste it on someone who can't give love back in return.
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