DetachMe9

Hi again everyone: Here's another specific question, a natural consequence of choosing to leave my AH this past weekend. He has a 13 y/o son that lives with us 50% (one week Thurs-Sun, next week Wed-Sat, etc.) I have been in his life since he was 3 and his stepmom since he was 5. We are buds. He has no clue about the recent changes going on in the house, and he is due over after school tomorrow. What to say, and how much? As I found a fully furnished guest house, all I took was my clothes, shoes, etc. No furniture is missing or moved, all the pets are still there, everything is the same except I'm not there. I've had thoughts of temporarily making up some weird reason I'm gone (my grandmother's health, went to visit my sister out of state...), just to buy some time. However, I'm already feeling I'm going to stay away for more than just a few weeks. I asked AH what/how he was going to say and he had "no idea". I told him ultimately it's his son and it's his to explain. Despite this sounding like I'm trying to fix/codep the situation, I do feel some sense of partial responsibility to figure out the least traumatic way to break the news. Anyone experienced or ideas? Thanks very much.

LaTeeDa

You are right about it being his to explain. And how were you planning to explain it to him anyway if you are not there?

I think if the child contacts you wanting to hear your explanation, fine. Otherwise, it's between him and his father.

JMHO,
L

mallowcup

I disagree. You have your own established relationship with this child. Who in the world would want this child running around with HIS explanation of it? Some relationships work and some don't. Why not just open your door for him to come over whenever he wants? It is not your place to explain alcoholism to his son. It is within you ability to continue a fruitful relationship with this boy. Call his mom and make a point of having him over for a week end or something like that.
Why throw out the baby with the bathwater? If you care for this boy, show him.

Barbara52

I lean more towards mallowcup's response. You have a relationship with this young man. Is he aware of his father's alcoholism? I mean, I'm sure he is but to what extent? You can keep it simple when and if you talk to him, something along the lines of you cannot live in the same house with his father because you cannot live with an active alcoholic.

Jazzman

He owns his relationship w/ his son, you own your relationship with your s-son.
I have two ex s-sons and one ex s-daughter and I talked to them about splitting up with their mother just like I talked to them about everything else, honestly and openly. Of course it was an emotionally difficult subject... And they were not at all surprised that it happened. Kids know more than we give them credit for.

But I was their s-father almost full time for 5 years and I still have a relationship with them. I don't see them very often but I still do from time to time. I hope your step son takes it well.

DetachMe9

Well, herein lies the beauty of the asking for specific ideas/advice. Thank you all.

I should provide more background on my recent departure: When I left this past Saturday, it was triggered by AH's recent loss of job/relapse. We are both long-time 12-steppers AA/AlAnon; I've been sober 14 years. He hasn't been working any kind of honest program for about 2 years now, and no matter how many AlAnon meetings I've attended recently it just couldn't tip the balance back far enough this time for me. Told him I couldn't live with active alcoholism anymore, and would be staying at a friend's guest house (in exchange for some money). Didn't call it a 'separation', told him I wanted very much to stay married, didn't get mad, didn't take the furniture or the cats, didn't change my address, etc. Just finally did the smallest thing I could muster that would help me get out of the codep-dynamic I knew I was drowning in. The place I'm staying is less than 5 min from my home, and I've been over twice since to get mail, see my cats, check email, and talk to my husband about our situation, family, son, bills, etc. We are civil and have the understanding that the marriage may yet be saved.

That said, we're now at the place of helping his son understand why I'm gone with no real set "return date". He has a general understanding of why his dad doesn't drink, has heard him talk of his "meetings", but has never seen him under the influence. Hope this helps, and I'm interested in whatever anyone has to say. Thanks.

Barbara52

Hmm, that puts a different spin on it for me. It might be one of those times when you tell the child this is an adult problem, that you 2 are working on it and don't know how it will end but that no matter what happens he is loved by both of you.

WLDKATZ

I hate to say it but a child would see it as abandonment hon, he needs to know that your not angry with him and you still care but his father needs help and you have chosen the steps that you have to protect yourself.......if your husband is any type of man he will realize what is up and straighten up especially since your not there to stop him for the dealings you would have with his son.......

DetachMe9

The 3 of us typically eat dinner and watch 'Survivor' together on Thursday evenings. I'm thinking I might just be there for our usual routine, then both talk with him together. Maybe something about how we haven't been getting along that great, that we had a pretty big disagreement this past weekend while you were back at your mom's house, and I've decided to take a break for a while. That I'll be around, but not like usual. That it's not anything to do with him, etc. No divorce talk, no separation talk. Yet. One Day At A Time.....right?

kelsh

DetachMe9,

I guess what I don't understand is when does your husband drink? If your step-son is there four days each week...does your husband drink on the days he isn't there and stay sober the four days his son is there. You said his son has never seen him "Under the Influence"......!

It really doesn't matter to me but a boy his age more than likely knows some of what is going on. Our kids are smarter than we give them credit for.

My Sponsor did this same thing you are doing to "wake up her AH"...I said something to her about it being a good move and she jumped down my throat..telling me she still loved him but couldn't live with him.

She eventually went back and he didn't change one bit. It didn't seem to affect her sobriety but she attended AA and Alanon.

I hope it goes well with the son. I think you both need to be honest with him. If he doesn't know his dad is drinking again...I can't give you a clue on that!

Kelsh

DetachMe9

Yes, he was drinking on the days that his son wasn't there. The thing that finally tipped it for me was him choosing to stay out nearly all night drinking, not call, etc. about 10 days ago. That was when I started looking for a place to stay. He is one of those very "high-functioning" alcoholics, and his facade to his son has been the final frontier for him. He really has never seen his father drunk, ever. Of course his son (and I) have been LIVING with a dry-drunk situation on a daily basis, unbeknownst to his son - - until he truly relapsed 10 days ago. Thanks for any further suggestions today. Tonight is going to be difficult for all of us.