pepperpod

...is there anything good about being married to an A? Are we just remembering the way it was before the A, have visions in our head of what never was; or is it the grim reality of the inappropriate behaviors, compromised functionality and betrayals. I mean is my AH what he always was - did he change or did I just never know the 'rest of the story'. Will it be bad forevermore...or just now and then? I am struggling with who I pledge my life and love to. Please let me know if I stared it in the face and did not recognize the A; or if it reared its ugly head after all was legally tied up.

ARealLady

Pepperpod....I am going to suggest a third possibility because I believe this is what happened in my own case. I knew XABF was an A but I connected with him when I thought he was a recovering A. I didn't know about white knuckling or dry drunks then. In other words he wasn't working a programme.

I believed as "I stared it in the face" that I was going to SAVE the man. He needed me.

I see myself all through Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Have you read it?

ARL

minnie

I wasn't married to an A, but I was in a relationship with one for 3 years, which in truth seem like 30 in hindsight. That was more to do with the immense changes that went of within me than anything else, though.

There were loads of good things about being with him in the earlier days. He was generous, attentive, supportive, unselfish in bed, protective, respectful, great fun to be with, kind and loving towards my family, spontaneous, would never let me cook and made beautiful meals, ran me a bath every evening with candles etc, bought me gifts as tokens of his affection, listened to me, understood me, was proud to have me on his arm.

Unfortunately, hindsight has not been so kind on him. He ran me a bath and cooked my meals so that he could drink as much as he liked and knew I wouldn't disturb him. He listened to me and encouraged me to talk so that he knew where my vulnerabilities lay. He was great to my family because he knew I was close to them and knew he would need them as potential allies in the future. He was spontaneous because he needed instant gratification. His gifts were bribes, his attention led to isolation.

I lapped it all up because I was vulnerable after a LTR break up. He showed me just enough "damage" to bring out the rescuer in me. Every interaction in those early days was a test and I passed with flying colours.

I discovered much of this whilst we were still together, although I was incredibly naive (which was part of the attraction of me for him), however my hypothesis was confirmed by contact with my replacement. Lo and behold, he played the same game with her, even down to the same lingerie purchased. And guess what? He recently, supposedly accidentally, sent me an email detailing not only the fact that he was taking his new fiancee (yes, another one!) to the resort in Jamaica where we had been 3 times and that I chose in the first place, but that they are getting married next year in the hotel where we went to celebrate my 30th birthday and our engagement.

I will say, though, that the mask did not slip until after he proposed and I accepted. I can almost pinpoint it to the day. It must be mighty hard work to keep up the facade and I hope that he never gets another woman up the aisle before it drops. It was relatively easy for me to walk away as we had no kids and I chose to complicate matters by pursuing issues relating to our business. Marriage is a different story, especially when kids are involved.

My story is not everyone's, however I see it often enough on SR to know that it is not unique.

kelsh

Pepperpod,

I just sent my post to you into cyber space. I know a couple that got married after knowing each other quite a while, and they had lived together some of the time. He insisted he did not know that she had a drinking problem. She insisted she did not know he had a control, anger, and rage problem.

A few months after they were married it all came out....she would get drunk, he would get in a rage, and hit and push her...the police were called at least once a month...but looked the other way as far as arresting them.

The more he tried to control her drinking and spending time with her friends, the more she would drink. He would play games trying to get her to do behaviors that could get her in trouble. She finally got a DUI and spent one night in jail and several months on a home monitor system.

He gleefully loved it because he knew she was controlled more or less while he was at work. He would drink in front of her when she was on a two year deferred program and forget to pick her up from her out-patient alcohol class.

She finally got enough courage to divorce him when she had been sober a while. She left him and moved home to get herself back together. It was that circle of domestic violence that left a lot of scars to her belief system. He didn't seem to care one way or the other after it was all over. He just found another young chick to control.

kelsh

MsPINKAcres

as you can see - there are different answers to your question - it of course depends on you, on the situation and even on the A.

I have been married to my husband for over 15 yrs. He is an alcoholic and an addict. We have had recovery and sobriety in our home and we have had them not in our home - either way my AH still has some very good qualities. At this point in time in my life, I do believe that is my path to stay in this marriage, even tho the disease is active again in our home.

Of course, this does require me to work a strong personal program of recovery for myself - setting healthy boundaries, protecting my finances, and always having that Plan B ready to put into play if needed.

And this is a just for today option for me - tomorrow if things change - then I know I can change my decision.

Just how I am able to live - not everyone is able to do that - some are unable to live with the active part of the disease - that is the wonderful freedom of our choices - you have the ability to choose what is right for YOU.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Pick-a-name

Hard to say...the rate of progression of the disease and it's problems seem to be as individual as each person. I truly never had a clue or a problem with AH's drinking for at least the first 15yr. Then there was a difficult spell when my mom was dying and he was the COO of a starting company,I miscarried and a few other things and he had some slight ISMs and drank a few after work with a co-worker and that things escalted a bit. He quit that job and started his own business and those problems stopped....he just put that drive/obsession into his work (which I expected). Gradually the drinking increased, but was not a problem for me until about seven years ago when it started being part of his daily routine. Increased slowly, he started spending less time with the kids and me, he got so he didn't want to go to any events w/out alcohol,etc.etc...... Even more disturbing were the changes in his personality. At this point he was careful to keep all drinking at home, so only are kids and I were aware of the problem. Fast-forward to now; after 27yr he decided he wanted to have fun,sold his business (works for new owner but does not like it) divorced me, and continues to drink. Despite almost total alienation by our two young adult children.

I suppose there were signs,but even now some professionals hesitate to call him "an alcoholic" because he still keeps it together in public,etc. Frankly, his father drinks the same way and he is a retired doctor who tells him it really isn't a problem since he has not been arrested for beating me or lost his driver's license!!! WHAT??!

Who knows..sometime things are not as cut and dried as we would like them to be. There wer guys in high school and college who seemed to have "a problem" that I had know trouble steering clear of. Who knew I would be married and have children with a guy who 30 yrs later would choose a bottle over me and our family?

Obviously, I was naieve in some of this;maybe all, but it seems like his has been a very slow and tightly controlled progression....so far.

pepperpod

Gosh, thanks to all of you. I am still befuddled - wonder if I just didn't know what to look for or does he vascilate between dual personalities. I just don't know who he is and what the system is (i.e. if he is one person on Thurs and Tues and another person on Monday and Fridays). I am definitely feeling that I have to be the CEO of us lately as he is becoming increasingly the procrastinator of all things, is not organized, and just doesn't seem to have his act together. I never wanted to be the strong one. I am a southern lady and thought I would be following his lead - I choose to break away and lead which sometimes sets him off. While he has never been physically abusive with me, I find that he is obsessive and a border line controlling-wanna be. I am perceiving that as emotional abuse. I just think I need more info which is why I am searching...I will definitely read the book by Melody - and thanks for that suggestion. I can't come to terms with the fact that I must have had blinders on for a long time...and/or, he had betrayed me by hiding some of these behaviors. There have recently been times when I have been embarrassed by his behavior, have wondered if he had some sort of early dementia, or was just plain not thinking well. I have recently felt so unsure of him, that I have tied some of my personal assets up where he cannot access them...and, YOU GUESSED IT, I am feeling guilty for protecting what belongs to me.

GiveLove

minnie, you must be my long-lost twin! same sh**, different shovel here.
Seriously, I allowed myself to become involved with an A because he was "damaged like me" therefore (using sick logic) he would be the only one who could truly understand and love me....blah blah blah.

When it became clear that he was keeping me from happiness, rather than contributing to happiness, then I knew it was time to leave and let someone else a) fall for all of it, and b) rescue him from himself. Life is too short...I wasn't the right woman for that job, didn't want to be. But it only came to me much later, when I finally became clearer about what I wanted my life to be like.

Maybe you're finally realizing what you want your life to be like...and are having trouble reconciling the fact that it doesn't look like what you've got nowadays with AH.

Hard to say...everyone's different...but that's what it was for me.
Hugs,
GL

mallowcup

I didn't just marrry a man, an alcoholic. I have established a mutual home and I have a step son I adore. His family is my family and these considerations should factor in. I have invested over 10 years into this life and this family.

minnie

Hey, we are at least up to octuplets, but please join the party!!!! As I say, the the pattern is often to be found on SR, it is just whether we are in a place where we can admit it. I felt very ashamed for a long time until I realised that a lot of it was HIS stuff. I swept my side of the street clear and left him to carry on dropping litter.

Mallow, I do agree that things get way more complicated the more involved we get in people's lives. Interestingly, though, I have no contact with R's family (because of what he has said to them to maintain his illusion), but I do still have regular contact with my previous ex's family, where no addiction was present. In fact, my brother still goes on holiday with my (ex) ex and/or his brother every year and to all intents and purposes we are all a great group of friends and spend every New Year together. Such a vast difference.

Janitw

Ditto to what Pick says.....like her I knew he had a slight problem but never gave it enough credence.....and like her it had the very same turnout. The only difference was mine did have dui's....still because most of them happened 17 years ago I just chalked it up to youth...but it was the progression of the disease that sneaked up on us...

Janitw

Mallow.....yes we become invested into their lives but just remember that it can all go away in an instant......one day the AH is there and the next he is with the hooch on the bar stool.....not much of a future in my very humble opinion...

mallowcup

..and because of who I am, that has no effect on my relationships within the family. That is exactly the point. No one can make my investments go away in an instant.

Janitw

Yes and I thought so too. Until blood was thicker than water......

Barbara52

Perhaps on some level but those relationships can indeed disappear along with the A in our lives. Heck, with my first divorce, which had no addiction issues, my ex's family and some friends divorced me when the actual divorce went thru. In my current situation, my step daughters choose to cut all things off because I am a convenient target rather than dealing with their issues with their father.

Others can and do cut off that investment in the extended family.

Janitw

In my situation I had never had a cross word between myself and my XAH's family not a single instance...in 22 yrs...UNTIL - AH left the kids and I and moved in with the OW......6 months went by and then the most disturbing email came from the very MIL that I swore was the mother I had never had.....blaming me and her grandkids for his alcoholism.....all I can say to you Mallow is never say never......investments come and go every single day. And I don't just mean monetary investments.

mallowcup

I can't predict how most things start or how most things will end. I don't cling to unsupportive relationships either. Of course we lose investimetns every day. I'm not talking aobut what we lose. I'm talking about what we throw away.

minnie

Mallow, please can you explain a little further? I am interested in what you have said, but not sure I understand entirely.

Janitw

Most of us didn't throw away anything. It's just one day they were there and the next they were - POOF - Gone. Now unless you are talking about what the XAH threw away........then yes....they not only threw away everything .... they drank away everything that was anything.......

mallowcup

I'm not talking about them. One day they are there and one day they aren't. I have sister-in-law and a brother-in-law, a step son, we have mutual friends. I can;t control what my husband does. Yes, they can drink away things and throw away things. they can hook up with bar women, they can lose jobs and rant and rave.
Why do we let them define us and our other relationships? Let him or her do what ever they want. They can come go drink or not drink.
I'd like to not talk about THEM at all. I'd like to talk about you. Who are you? Who do you love? What do you love? What are you doing to detach and recover? Are you no one without him? I'm certainly not. He must rise to my standard, I wil not sink to his depths. It seems sometimes that people wil not even consder a recovery where the alcoholic isn't the hub of it. They are one person. My husband can walk away. He can not rob me of the investment I made in his son. He can not rob me of the investment I made in this home, my career, my gardens, my decorating, the friends I've made in this town. We can lose something everyday but he doesn't have the power to rob me of other equally fruitful relationships and accomplishments.
He does not have the ability to crumble my world because he is not the only important thing in it. The focus of my life is not on his drinking or not drinking. It is on me and my recovery. My recovery means talking about me, not him.