QU31

OK, you all will probably laugh, as this is probably the dumbest question ever (for numerous reasons), but here goes: how do you tell if someone has been drinking?

My youngest sister is staying with me and RABF. She got out of rehab about two months ago, where she was for a month. So far, things have gone pretty well considering the circumstances (we were already under a lot of stress due to boyfriend being fired, being diagnosed bipolar, and him filing bankruptcy all this summer). The past week though, things just seem kind of off with her. She does no recovery work and does not see a therapist. She hides her drinking very well and has a super-high tolerance. In fact, she hides everything very well and is an adept liar. Most of the time, she is so very super-sweet though, which I think is both genuine and manipulative at the same time. I have never known anyone to go from drinking everyday to drinking nothing without some kind of 12-step, therapy, or other support, especially when she had been drinking at least a case a day.

Bottom line is I can't have drinking or drunk people in my home. There is too much at stake (my sanity, boyfriend's sobriety). How do I handle it? I have already become the family bitch since I started attending Al Anon for myself, and I want to be supportive, but I feel kind of resentful that I even have to question this! Yes, I said she could stay there, so it's kind of my fault, but that was before I gave up rescuing and became the family bitch....plus, she's been very nice and I have no proof. It's just that if she is drinking, I know where this will all lead, and I don't want to be a part of the drama.

Any suggestions?

Lilyflower

My first suggestion is that you question yourself as to where this came from???

Since when has going for help for yourself made you a bitch??? And why is her relapse (if thats whats happening) your fault because you put a roof over her head???

These issues are not yours! Disown them now hunny before you fully convince yourself theres any truth in these things!

As for your sister, confront her about things? If this ain't a good idea why not go and search her room for evidence. I wouldn't worry so much over the whole co-dependancy issue of checking up on people here. If she is using, you will need to ensure the sanity of your own family. If she won't admit it, you can't walk around in the fog about it for ever.

As to your RA give him a bit of faith! He's keeping sober, and at some point he will need to confront other people wanting to drink. He is not without the ability to say 'no' to starting again. Don't mix your sisters issues with his.

parentrecovers

it's pretty obvious when my daughter is drinking. and then we drug test her, so those are "proof" i suppose.

DII

This is a no-win situation. In my experience, active A's NEVER admit to drinking. As the disease progresses you can usually see physical symptoms like puffy face, poor complexion color, look for lots of eyedrop use, lots of gum chewing. My AW recieved a DUI and still keeps to the story that she drank just once right before she got in the car, even though I saw her 2 days before and she was drunk! Until they can admit things like that.......get her out of your house!

QU31

When I said I was now the "family bitch" I was being a little sarcastic. I used to be the family hero. They are all used to me being this caretaking type of person....doing anything I can to help eveyone out. Well, since I stopped doing that, they aren't used to it and think I'm mean now. "Disown them"...that is funny. Sometimes I wish I could! Honestly though, Al Anon is helping me to care less what other people think of me, even my family...even though that's hard for me.

There's no point in confronting her. She will just lie. I will just have to wait to see how it plays out and hopefully she should have her own apartment soon, which is the plan.

You are right about putting more faith in my boyfriend. He will be fine. We will both be fine. Thanks for the responses!

denny57

I would ask her to find a place to live by a set date.

Pick-a-name

I could usually tell by the behavior and attitude change,an the look in exAH's (although most people still can not see a difference),but really after a while it is/was always in his system....BAL either falling or rising and both those things bring with them their own set of problems for an addict,imho. Bottom line,his brain is always being effected by alcohol and his system is never entirely free of it. (In Getting Them Sober--see http://GettingThemSober.com-- there is mention of this topic and I believe it takes at least 30 days without ANY alcohol for it to entirely leave a person's system!)

I think Denny's idea is best. If am alcoholic wants/needs to drink,they will. It would be a full-time spy job to stay in top of it (why would you need to waste your time doing that?) and even then, they could still get it past you,imho. Anyhow, it seems like another artificial "control" to me.........and would not change the behaviors that I found most troublesome.

Good luck; glad you are here.

I think instead of wondering if and when she has been drinking (you can never "win" and argument with an alcoholic about this anyhow) spend the time reading "Under the Influence" and "Getting Them Sober",etc. Will be more helpful in the long-run. jmho.

Lilyflower

I hope you know that when I said 'disown them' I was refering to putting yourself down, and holding bad opinions of yourself, I didn't mean your family!! ha ha.

I'm thinking Denny has a great idea here, give her a date to move out by, and stick to it, if she hasn't got anywhere by that time, that is not your concern. You have been good to her by supporting her recovery and giving her somewhere to stay. She has to stand on her own two feet. (((QU31)))

QU31

Ha! I know...I wouldn't seriously want to disown them but sometimes I wish I could!

We have a move-out date set now, she actually called me and suggested it right after I posted this morning (I don't think she knows about this forum??!!).

Pick-a-name

Wonderful! I am also thrilled that this "worked out" with her co-operation,too. How nice it was not a struggle for you to bring up the topic and argue,etc. I'd like to think her/your HP was involved.

miss communicat

Take it One Day At A Time. You actually don't know where all of this will lead. None of us do.

We may worry or fear, but the future is not here. The past is over. Stay in the day. The only drama I see here is the one you are bracing yourself against within your mind, and I say this lovingly without judgement. We all do that. But, my suggestion is: don't.

Don't awfulize the situation into the future. Today she's being nice and you have no evidence of drunkenness in your home.

That is good. Enjoy the day.

mallowcup

I'm not sure why your decisions are based on her drinking or not...exclusively. I would have it made if all I had to do was not drink to suck the life out of my sister.
I've never understood why people who attend Alanon tell anyone. Obviously your family hasn't taken her in. Alanon is for you. If you apply what you learn there, who cares who else understands it? Your relatives who pass judgements can take her in. Oh, that's right, they don't want that crap in their house. I agree with the poster who said give her a date and stick to it.

angela79

This sounds like the right idea as you are not actually acuseing here of drinking you are simply encourageing here to strike out on her own. Great idea Denny!!

QU31

Miss C- I like your post and agree with what you said. That was some very serene advice! One of my biggest challenges is stopping myself from anticipating the next crisis. If she is drinking, it's not really even that that I fear, but the ensuing family drama when everyone else gets involved. My goal will be to stay out of that drama.

Mallow--When you say you don't understand why people tell others they go to Alanon, do you mean on this forum or in general? I don't really tell anyone other than my sisters....but I do talk about it a lot here...

Also, I guess basing my decision of her being able to stay at my house based on if she is drinking or not was the recommendation of the counselors when we went to family weekend at the rehab center. Also, my bf does not want her there is she is drinking. He thinks I should confront her. I told him no, it's just useless, she will just lie anyway.

She is moving in with my mom in a few weeks, so that will solve the living situation problem. I do really care about her though...I think she has only drank the last two nights and I wish I could just nip it in the bud (I know....I'm powerless, can't cure it or control it). Also, my brother, sister and dad all paid for her rehab and it was expensive. They are going to be really hurt and mad. There will be drama. (I know I can't worry about other people's feeling all the time). I'm kind of thinking out loud here. These are some of the biggest issues in my recovery. It's just so frustrating and hard to stay out of it!!!!

Thank you for letting me vent.

mallowcup

I think we've seen the question here many times. "Should I tell people I'm going to alanon?" "should I tell him I'd going to alanon?"
One of the biggest benefits I got from goig to Alanon was that it was for me, it was about me. It was the evidence at a time when I really needed evidence that I could do something for me without anyone else knowing about it. I coulc do something private, I could think about it, apply it, I could gather strength from it without explaining it. Alanon is a secret just like this site is a secret. It is a source, a resource. There is nothing wrong with telling people selectively. I have always enjoyed having something in this life that is just for me. Having support is great.
I just think that some eiphanies have to come from within ourselves.
My husband has seen some big time changes in me and he has no clue where I found the strength to make those changes. No where in my own recovery does my husbands input factor in. I don't need or want his approval regarding alanon. I don't need or want to hear his babble about me betraying him, labeling him cluck cluck cluck.
I think by the time most people seek out help, they are worn out. My first husband would have just made it impossible for me to go. He would have made it too much of an agravation to bother. My fat as- would have entered into it and we would have twisted the topic to Weight watchers and how I should fix myself before I worry about fixing him. I'd just as soon skip that part.

QU31

I guess everyone is different. I don't feel the need to keep the fact that I go to Alanon a secret, but I can certainly understand wanting to have my own place that is just mine. When my boyfriend first got into recovery a couple of years ago his sponsor suggested he go and I was really mad and resentful. I was like, how dare he go to Alanon, it's mine! Besides, I felt like he didn't know what it was like to date someone like him and Alanon was for people like me who had gone through that experience. I have changed my tune since then. I mostly go to Alanon by myself, but I have attended meetings with my mom and sisters (although rarely) and lately my boyfriend (whose dad was a heavy and mean drinker while he was growing up) and I have been going together about once a week and for us and our relationship it has just been incredibly positive. Other people might find that strange, but it's been working, so I feel we might as well keep it up!